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What It Means to Break Your Penis, As Told By a Guy Who Broke His Penis

If you’ve ever been worried about getting a couple of cracks in the ol’ walking stick, you’ve come to the right place. I am, after one sexual encounter and two emergency surgeries, a qualified broken penis expert. You’re welcome, parents.

I get DMs at least once a month asking what exactly to do in case you find yourself experiencing more pain than pleasure (in a non-BDSM way).

RELATED: Penis Health Care

Here, I’ll cover what a broken penis really is, what are the scientific risks, what to do in case of emergency, and then end with a prayer for all the pipers of the universe. My hope is that I went through this not fun experience so that you won’t have to. Read this with the same mindset as you would from about what to do if you get bitten by a shark.

Probably not going to happen, but f*ck that shark if it does.

What I Mean By “Broken Penis”

Since a penis isn’t a bone that you can technically break, what exactly does it mean to break your penis? Here’s my not-a-doctor explanation: The penis has three relevant parts to this article — two spongy tissues sacks (corpora cavernosa) that fill up with blood when you get erect and the urethra (that thing you pee and squeege out of). If you’ve ever heard of a break, it’s actually a tear of one of those tissue sacks or a fracture of the urethra. Since I’m the expert, you should know that I tore both of my spongy sacks and severed my urethra. Booyah!

Proper Positioning

Not all positions are created equally. With women constantly trying to twerk and men going to Pound Town, sex, even before collateral damage, has become more dangerous than we care to admit. If you are the type of bottle rocket to only shoot your shot in exclusively missionary, congrats, you are probably married (but also at risk).

A comically small 2017 study of 69 men with this injury called “Relationship between sexual position and severity of penile fracture” concludes that doggy-style posed the most threat. If you’re bored or turned on by abstracts, you can read the rest here.

I wrecked my ship in doggy-style, and you could too. Also, in case you were wondering, doggy-style does not have a proper medical term.

How Will You Know If It’s Happened?

My friend ... you will know. The nice thing about the penis is that it has crazy elasticity. The unfortunate part? The more turned on you are, the less bendability there is. Your partner is literally putting you at risk for being too sexy.

While being in pain during sex could be from your penis break, it's not the only thing that could cause such an event to occur. The real sign is going to be any swelling that occurs. If you look down and you see your penis is larger than it usually is, take a picture. You’ll be in shock, but it really is incredible how the little guy can expand. As the swelling continues, there will also be some discoloration. There may be blood, but unlike the film with Daniel Day Lewis, it is not a requirement. In my case, the blood discharged out of the tip like I’d just picked up a spread fire gun on Contra.

Again, think shark attack. Gruesome but good to know.

What to Do If You’ve Broken Your Penis

First of all, don’t DM me. Follow me, for sure, but from the waiting room.

The best advice that I can give you is the same reason that I can laugh and write about it now. The first thing you need to do is call 911, or just have your partner take you to the emergency room. My recommendation is to have your partner go with you. There is a huge culture of embarrassment around this kind of injury that causes a lot of people to stay at home or not seek professional medical attention immediately. Having your partner there is good for emotional support, but also so that the doctors believe you.

Also, tell the truth. If you were getting freaky in an unconventional way, say with some gardening tools and a leftover meatball sub, they need to know. Once the accident has occurred, it’s a ticking time bomb until they figure out how to remedy your situation. I had the absolute worst possible scenario, but I had the best possible outcome because I wasted zero time getting to the hospital. We are dealing with precious cargo here! If you break your toe, maybe you could make a splint at home or rub some essential oils on it. This is not your toe.

Let me tell you what happens if you don't go to the hospital. If you don't get medical attention immediately, your penis will heal improperly. That means you won't have the blood flow that you need to get an erection. What's worse is that when you do get an erection, it will be painful. If you heal only partially, your penis might have a different curvature (aka Peyronie's Disease). The truth is that even if you get medical attention, there are going to be small changes to your equipment post-incident.

Regardless, you have the best chance of full functionality if you don't wait around. In cultures that have shame around sex (including married couples), men often wait to seek medical attention only to end up in unfavorable situations. The long term effects of short term inaction are irreversible. If you even think there’s a problem, set your ego aside, do not play it cool and get that hose to a doctor.

Before you hit the bedroom next time, remember that shark bites happen every year. Stay hard (but not too hard), have insurance and maintain a firm hold on the hips for the safety of everyone involved.

Want to read more about Ross's experience with a broken penis? Check out his book, Broken Bananah: Life, Love, and Sex... Without a Penis, right here.

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Ross Asdourian, Khareem Sudlow