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How to Kiss a Girl

Humans have been kissing each other for probably as long as they’ve had lips, and it’s no secret why: A good kiss is a blissful experience, like taking a bite of a delicious snack, high-fiving the coolest person you know and acing a difficult test all at the same time, while fireworks go off in the distance. 

It’s physical, it’s psychological, it’s emotional — hell, in some circumstances, it might even approach the spiritual. 

A couple kissing on the lips is almost a universal stand-in for the concept of romantic love, and even before we’ve ever locked lips with someone for the first time, most of us can detect what subtle variations in kissing mean: a quick peck is unemotional; a tongue-heavy French kiss is passionate; long is intimate, short is nervous and shy. 

Location matters, too — lips are expected; on the cheek is platonic, even distant; the forehead is parentally protective; on the neck is seductive and raw. (And, well, there are a few other places you can kiss someone, too…)

But when you’re first starting out, the lips are the place to go. That puts both partners on the same level; there’s no kisser-and-kissee dynamic; just two people who want to be very close to each other in a special, specific way enjoying the sensations of desire in a way that only kissing can bring you. 

Sound good to you? Most likely, you already know that you want to kiss someone. You might have a specific person in mind, or you might have specific persons in mind — or you might not. 

But if you’re nervous about kissing someone for the first time, have no fear. We spoke to two different dating experts, as well as a number of men and women about their first-kiss experiences to put together this guide. 

It’s been explicitly constructed to help you overcome your first-kiss jitters and with any luck, you’ll be a kissing expert in no time. 

1. Kiss Preparation & How to Practice Kissing

"We met online and were long-distance for two months before meeting in person, and we kept talking about whether we were going to kiss right away or not, and how and when, in painful detail — and then as we approached each other I panicked and hit him with my keys." - Rachel, 27

The first kiss between any two people can be a nerve-wracking experience — even if they’re both experienced kissers. That’s because kissing someone for the first time changes the dynamic between you in a big way. 

You’re expressing in a real, physical way the reality that you’re attracted to them, and because attraction is such a powerful and often confusing feeling, the prospect of kissing for the first time can often feel overwhelming and nerve-wracking. 

Since there’s a natural desire to practice things a little bit before trying them for real, you might wonder if there’s a way to practice kissing. The answer is yes — and no. While you can familiarize yourself with the physical sensations of kissing, you can’t really practice kissing without another person to kiss, since the emotional component is such a big part of it. 

That being said, if you want to get comfortable with the physical mechanics of kissing, there are definitely ways to work on that without another person present. 

“Practice kissing using a piece of ripe, soft fruit, like a peach or plum,” says dating coach Connell Barrett. “Start by softly, lightly brushing your lips against the skin of the fruit. After a minute or so, gradually increase the pressure, and use the tip of your tongue.”

You can also just practice kissing yourself on the arm or hand — joining your thumb and forefinger together into a mouth-like shape where your thumb is the bottom lip and your index finger is the top lip — and experiment with kissing each “lip” in turn, putting your lips together and pressing softly against the “mouth” of your hand. 

Dating and relationship coach and host of the “Man Whisperer” podcast Laurel House suggests that being gentle is much, much more important than asserting your dominance when it comes to kissing, especially in the early going. 

“Think about how you lick an ice cream cone,” she says. “Your tongue is soft and moving around. It’s sensual and slow.”

Though you might not be bringing your tongue into the equation right away — kissing with tongue, also known as ‘making out’ and ‘French kissing’ is something you’ll want to wait on until you’re both comfortable with lips-only kissing — the ice-cream cone mentality is a good one to keep in mind. You’re not trying to destroy or devour your ice cream, you’re trying to slowly enjoy it with a soft touch that won’t knock it sideways off the cone or lead to brain freeze. 

It’s also important not to get too nervous about kissing. Particularly if the person you’re going to kiss is also a first-timer or relatively inexperienced, it’s OK if it takes you a few attempts (or more!) to figure out a kissing style that works for both of you. 

“If you aren’t great kissers together at first, that can change,” says House. “Everyone has their own kissing style, and your styles can mesh in time.”

The most important thing about a good kiss is both people wanting to kiss each other. Everything else can be lacking, but if the emotional component is just right, that won’t matter. On the flip side, if you do everything right but you or the other person isn’t particularly really interested, it’s likely to be an unpleasant experience at best. 

2. When to Kiss & How to Initiate a Kiss

“My first kiss was in a subway station a few weeks before I turned 16. I was saying goodbye to my girlfriend, and as the train came in I said, ‘Kiss?’ and she said, ‘OK!’ and that was that. Consent is important!” - Ian, 30

As great as a kiss can be, the feeling of getting rejected is just as powerful — but in a bad way, not a good way. 

It can feel like an overwhelming failure; like you’re unattractive or overall worthless. Of course, there are lots of reasons someone might say no to a kiss, but in the moment, it can be hard not to feel extremely disappointed. 

“The biggest kissing-related challenge guys face is knowing when to move in for the first [one],” says Barrett. “It’s about fear. Going for it and getting the cheek can feel awkward, even painful.”

So how can you know that the person you want to kiss wants to kiss you back? How can you know for sure that you’ll get a kiss and not a rejection? Well, it’s tricky. Without the ability to read minds, you’re left with two possible ways to figure it out — the other person telling you, and a good guess about what they want based on contextual clues. 

“Sadly, your date won’t hold up a flashcard that reads, ‘Kiss me!’” Barrett says. “So look for indicators that they’re connecting with you and are ready to [start kissing]. Start with the eyes — look for a deep, steady gaze. It’s a good sign if they’ve been casually touching your arm, knee or thigh, and leaning their body into yours.”

In addition to touching you, House notes that your date touching themselves can also be a sign that they’re ready for some kissing action.

“If you notice that she keeps looking down at your lips, she starts playing with her hair, or she touches her lips, those are signs of interest in kissing,” she says.

“No matter how many signs you get, initiating the first kiss usually takes good old-fashioned courage,” Barrett says. “Assuming you feel a nice connection, simply make a decision that you’re gonna go for the kiss, then slowly, confidently move in. It helps to wait for a window — a silence of two or three seconds with continued eye contact. That’s a great time to lean in and lock lips.”

RELATED: Here’s What You Need to Know About Sexual Consent

However, if you don’t get that window, don’t force it. It’s better to ask if the other person wants to be kissed than it is to kiss them out of nowhere — which could be confusing at best or deeply shocking and traumatic at worst for the other person, and could technically constitute sexual assault depending on how they feel about the experience. 

3. How to Kiss & How Not to Kiss: Kissing Dos & Don’ts

“I banged my teeth against the other person’s teeth the first time I kissed someone at the ripe old age of 15. But I very kindly asked for a do-over — and that went well.” - Bryan, 35

Still not sure how to get your kiss on without committing any horrible mistakes? The experts I spoke with helped break down some basic dos and don’ts to ensure your kissing game is up to par. 

Do: Check Your Breath

An otherwise great kiss can be tragically ruined — or prevented from even happening — if you have some seriously bad breath. Some people will be willing to overlook (or oversmell?) a mouth that smells like it hasn’t been cleaned in a while, but regardless, why gamble?

If your breath is smelling great, your kiss won’t just be a great sense experience, it’ll also mean you can feel confident and worry-free. If you think you might be kissing someone — say, on a date — it’s a good idea to prepare yourself in the breath department. 

“Brush your teeth and brush your tongue,” Barrett advises. “The tongue’s large surface area and countless crevices make the perfect home to odor-causing bacteria. Give your tongue a good pre-date brushing,” he suggests — or even consider getting a tongue scraper, which could be more effective.

It’s also a good idea to bring something with you to freshen up closer to the kiss itself — especially if you’re eating beforehand or the first-kiss moment drags on until you realized you brushed your teeth hours ago. 

“It’s OK and not cheesy to use a breath mint,” House advises. “Gum is less good, unless you can spit it out right before making out.” 

Carlee Ranger

Don’t: Overdo the Tongue

“The biggest don’t? Keep your tongue holstered at first,” says Barrett. “A man who’s all tongue is bad as a man who’s all hands. Start slowly and softly and let her decide that she’s ready to use tongues. If she does, let the Frenching commence.”

House agrees that a subdued approach is better, tongue-wise. Once you get the go-ahead, she says, “Make sure to soften your tongue.”

“You don’t want to be jabbing her with your tongue. You’re not a lizard. You also don’t want to be shooting your tongue in and out and in and out. It’s more of a figure-eight and a dance.”

Don’t: Take Your Cues From Porn

For starters, even if many of the kisses you’ve seen in your life have been in porn, it’s not a great place to get an idea of how to kiss. The actors in porn aren’t trying to recreate a romantic first kiss; they’re trying to titillate the paying customers. 

“Porn is not the best example when it comes to how to kiss, since it tends to be more extreme — like spitting in each other’s mouths,” House says. “In general, licking a woman’s entire face (yes, people do this) — is generally not sexy. Except maybe during very dirty sex.”

RELATED: 5 Porn Moves You Should Never Try in Real Life

If you’re really intent on watching people kiss to get an idea of what to do, kisses in romantic movies are more likely to approximate what you’re going for. 

Do: Listen to Your Kissing Partner

Regardless, the best approach is to ask what the person you’re kissing likes — if not beforehand then at least early on, and certainly before you try anything new or extreme. It’s great to want to experiment, but you can’t know for sure how the other person will feel unless you talk about it.

“Every [person] likes something different, so just because one person likes something, or you read a book about one person liking something, doesn’t mean that [this person] will,” House cautions. 

So if you ignore everything else in this article — at least pay attention to this and keep the other person’s requests and desires in mind when kissing. 

4. How to Be a Good Kisser: Advanced Kissing Techniques

“My first real hardcore makeout kiss that I can remember was at an amusement park in like eighth grade. He was really tall and lanky — and a Juggalo — but he was an amazing kisser.” - Jennifer, 29

OK, so you’ve got the basics down. Congrats! But what about the next step up from that? What separates an amazing kisser from a merely competent one? 

To some degree, that will be more a question of your chemistry with the person you’re kissing. Are you both into the same kiss dynamics? Do you like long kisses or slow ones, lots of tongue or none, lots of hand action or barely any? 

That being said, a really good kisser will be flexible and able to adapt to his partner’s preferences — as well as have a few tricks up his sleeve. Here are some advanced techniques that the average guy might not know about: 

How to Ask Smoothly

It’s always better to ask before you try to do something new or unexpected to someone’s body, and kissing is no exception. However, asking can feel awkward, and if you’re concerned about ruining the moment, Barrett suggests you try this approach: 

“To test the waters, make deep eye contact with your date, give a mischievous smile, and say, ‘Close your eyes.’” he says. At this point, there’s a good chance that she’ll know what you’re getting at. “If she’s ready, she’ll shut her eyes,” says Barrett. “It’s a smooth way to get the green light without having to ask, ‘Can I kiss you?’”

“If she doesn’t close her eyes, wait for another window of opportunity to open,” he suggests — or if she asks why, admit that you want to kiss her. Framing it as a desire on your part enables her to consider what she wants without putting pressure on her to answer yes or no right away. 

Trying Different Techniques

At the end of the day, kissing is always going to be variations on two people putting their mouths together. That’s not to say that you can’t get creative, however. 

“Techniques like sucking her tongue, licking the inside of the top of her lip, and biting [her lips] can be fun, but [might be] better during intense sex than during everyday kissing,” says House. Regardless, she notes, “It’s OK to ask her what she likes and what she wants more of.” 

Similarly, if your kissing partner suggests something new, you can try giving that a shot — not everything you try needs to come from you. 

Stop and Start

As pleasant as kissing can feel in the moment, realistically, doing the same thing over and over can get repetitive and even boring after a while. A good solution to this is to work little breaks into a kissing session. 

“Sometimes you are going to kiss for long periods of tongue-in-mouth, then you might do a couple of different pecks for different periods of time close-lipped, then go back in for tongue kisses for a few seconds or even minutes or more if it’s really great,” says House. “Pull back a couple of times to look at her, then push forward towards her again for another kiss.”

Taking a little break is also a great way to check in with your kissing partner to make sure they’re still enjoying themselves. 

“If she does a quick and short peck,” says House, there’s a good chance “she doesn’t want to continue kissing.” If you have any doubts, just let your partner take the lead for a change — or ask! 

5. Trying Different Kissing Positions

“We were listening to Avril Lavigne in my bedroom in the sixth grade. He made the first move, but I was definitely ready.” - Essie, 28

While much kissing is envisioned or depicted with both participants standing up facing each other, when it comes to kissing positions, you’re really only limited by your imaginations (and the space you’re in, and each other’s physical abilities). 

You can kiss with your bodies parallel; lying on top of each other; or lying next to each other on a bed, or with one of you hanging upside down; one or both of you could be sitting; you can kiss up if your partner is taller or down if they’re shorter; if you’re really ambitious, you can kiss each other while walking side by side at a brisk pace. If you and your partner are both open to trying things, you can experiment and see which kissing positions you like best. 

One technique that’s great when it comes to what to do with your bodies is using your hands. That doesn’t necessarily mean letting them roam wherever you like — after all, your kissing partner might not be ready for full-on heavy petting, where you fondle their erogenous zones — but that using your hands can amp up the intensity and intimacy of a kiss. 

And, as House points out, there are lots of ways to do that without touching body parts that aren’t yet ready to be touched. 

Carlee Ranger

“You can put your hand in her hair while kissing, support the back of her head, put your hand on her lower back, hold her face, with your hand on her cheeks, she says. “There are so many styles to play with and practice.”

Depending on how much experience you have, kissing can feel like the most exciting thing ever — or something you already feel almost bored of. But a good kiss, or kissing session, between two people who are truly into each other can be an incredibly delightful experience. 

“Kissing can be even sexier and intimate than sex if you do it well,” House says. “It’s an essential connector. Kiss hello and goodbye. Once you start kissing, you’ll likely find that you’re more emotionally connected, too.“

All illustrations by Carlee Ranger.

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What Is Compersion (And How to Foster It in Your Relationship)

Male sexual jealousy is a fact of life, and frankly, hard to avoid. It’s the fistfight at the bar, the plot of the movie you’re watching, the guy in court for stalking his ex, the love song that touts possessiveness as romantic. 

But it’s worth considering for a moment what things would be like if men weren’t, as a whole, intensely jealous. 

What would our relationships, our flirtations or our love look like if men didn’t feel compelled to fight off other men? If seeing someone approach your wife, your girlfriend, your partner, your date or your crush didn’t lead to a triggering of your fight-or-flight reflex? 

RELATED: 5 Things Men Get Wrong About Love 

It may come as a shock, but there’s actually a term for what that might look like. It’s called “compersion,” and it was coined during the late 20th century by French anthropologists to define a feeling of happiness that people can feel when seeing their partner getting sexual or romantic attention from others. 

1. What Is Compersion?

“Compersion is both a complex and very simple thing,” says Kayla Lords, sexpert for JackandJillAdult.com. “In the most basic terms, it means being happy for your partner because they’re happy — specifically when they’re happy in another relationship or while spending time with another person. It’s a term most commonly used in polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous relationships.”

Yes, not only is it possible to be supportive of the person you love getting together with someone else, there’s a word for it, too.

While men often grow up being taught a version of love that’s based on possessiveness and control, the truth is that no romantic or sexual partner can give another person every single thing they need. You can’t be someone’s husband, best friend, chauffeur, cook, masseur, personal assistant, roommate, co-parent, interior designer, nurse, and so on; we have different people in our lives in part as an acknowledgement that no one person can be everything to someone else. 

The same way you need friends you can talk with about non-relationship things, and family you can reminisce about the past with, your partner needs a variety of different things from different people. Rather than being weak, it’s healthy to acknowledge that you can’t always fulfill all of those needs — even those that are sexual or romantic. 

In essence, compersion is the sexualized version of being thrilled when your significant other tells you about something good happening to them (think in a similar fashion to something like promotion at work, or simply having a nice night catching up with an old friend). 

2. The Relationship Between Compersion and Polyamory

Consciousness of compersion is on the rise, and one of the main reasons for that is the normalizating and mainstreaming of polyamorous relationships over the past decade or so. 

Without compersion, polyamory wouldn’t just be difficult — it would be deeply painful; every date or sexual encounter that your partner engages in would feel no different than cheating. 

But being able to feel positively about your partner getting happiness from others is a huge step towards the kind of non-possessive love that genuine self-confidence can engender in a romantic or sexual context. 

“Many people are able to feel compersion,” says Lords. “Specifically those who are comfortable and secure in their open or poly relationships. This could be people who’s relationship includes swinging, getting cucked or poly relationships where someone has a romantic and/or sexual relationship with multiple people.” 

RELATED: Here’s What It’s Like to Be Cucked (And Why It’s Hot)

The core of this is the notion that your partner’s happiness isn’t something to fear just because it’s not directly linked to you. 

It’s worth considering, for instance, how many otherwise functional relationships end because one partner needs something the other can’t give them, and rather than open things up, one or both people decide to break up. If your reaction to your partner kissing someone else and then coming back to you is one of anger or fear, that’s logical.

But if you can recognize (and feel comfortable with the idea) that you can give your partner something other people can’t, even if you can’t give them everything they need, an arrangement can be easily made that benefits both of you without pulling the plug on everything you’ve worked to build together. 

3. The Relationship Between Compersion and Jealousy

If you still think compersion might be an idiotic concept, well, that might be a sign that you struggle with jealousy issues. That’s not intended as a slight, though, but rather as an acknowledgement that societal ideas about love and sex come pre-packaged with significant amounts of jealousy-based preconceptions. 

Growing up, people of all genders tend to understand that love is wrapped up in possessiveness long before they ever actually feel romantic love. Being able to experience anything else is a bit of a miracle, so those who don’t shouldn’t beat themselves up about it. 

“Compersion is most often not experienced by people who feel insecure in their relationships or for whom open or poly relationships aren’t a good fit,” says Lords. “Some people are fully monogamous and would feel hurt if their partner had a sexual or romantic relationship with someone else.”

That being said, there’s a middle ground when it comes to jealousy and compersion — a comfort with your partner’s potential attractiveness that’s rooted in your own self-confidence. 

If you don’t believe that, watch the famed rapper-turned-actor Ice T discuss the way jealousy is a non-factor in his relationship with his wife, Coco Austin:

Ice T (@FINALLEVEL) gives the best dating advice pic.twitter.com/yDzZeMNMVT

— Jenn Takahashi (@jenntakahashi) December 12, 2018

His model, that not being jealous is the more impressive, manly response to other men paying attention to your partner, is an interesting take on male jealousy that often gets left out of the narrative. 

“Jealousy is often an indication of insecurity in a relationship — sometimes we don't feel ‘good enough,’” says Jor-El Caraballo, a relationship therapist and co-creator of Viva Wellness. “If you let jealousy run your relationship, it's likely it will only exacerbate those feelings of insecurity, chipping away at your self-esteem even more over time. This can make the jealousy worsen over time as well as your own confidence in your ability to be a balanced partner.”

Compersion, then, is the opposite — adding to the health of your relationship rather than chipping away at it; supporting your partner’s happiness on its own terms rather than prioritizing your wants to the exclusion of all else. 

4. Can You Teach Yourself Compersion?

If you’re like most guys, you probably don’t feel much in the way of compersion right now, and the idea of ever feeling it might feel like an unlikely prospect. But it raises the question: Is a tendency to feel compersion innate, or is it possible to develop it over time?

“I don’t think you can teach yourself compersion, but you can grow into it,” says Lords. “If it’s not something that comes easily, it may simply require more time to trust the relationship you’re in and your partner, as well as the time it takes to learn that someone can love or like more than one person without it being a reflection on you as their partner.”

In that sense, the best thing you can do for yourself is to simply focus on the health of your relationship. What is it about your relationship with your partner, or your relationship with yourself, that leads you to feel jealous? Are there things you’re not saying, out of fear or insecurity? Is there something you or your partner could be doing to help foster an atmosphere of trust and confidence in the relationship? 

RELATED: Here’s What You Need to Know About Couples Therapy

Those might be questions that are easier to answer with the help of a professional, but regardless of whether you ever make it as far as feeling compersion, being able to lessen your sense of jealousy will only improve your relationship (or future relationships) going forward. 

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Why Women Don't Like Mama's Boys

The relationship between mother and son is one that’s been studied for millennia. 

From classical Greek plays like “Oedipus” Rex and the fascination with the Biblical significance of the Virgin Mary in medieval Europe, to Hitchcock’s thrillers “Psycho” and “The Birds,” motherhood has long been a fascinating concept to humans in many different ways. 

In particular, there’s a sense in modern culture that a man who has a close relationship with his mother is suspect. Termed “mama’s boys,” such men — whether teenagers on the cusp of manhood or fully grown adults with families of their own — are often seen as weak, or at least strange. 

Along with the concept of a “daddy’s girl” — which also has iffy implications — mama’s boys are derided for caring too much about the approval of the opposite-gender parent. And while caring too much about parental approval is often seen as a weak trait in men, men who bond more closely with their fathers don’t receive the scrutiny that so-called mama’s boys do. 

What’s the deal with that? To get a better picture of what a mama’s boy is, how he’s perceived by other men (and women!) and what the strengths and weaknesses of a powerful connection to your mother entail, we had some experts chime in on the topic.

1. What Is a “Mama's Boy”?

“A mama’s boy is a man who is unusually tightly attached to his mother,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of “Dr. Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today.” “He usually consults Mom in all things, and is dependent on her approval.”

Laurel House, dating and relationship coach and host of the “Man Whisperer” podcast, agrees to the above, but notes that it can group together a variety of different guys whose relationships with their respective mothers might not all look exactly the same. 

“A mama’s boy is a man who has a very close connection with his mom,” says House, though she notes that “the name is broad, and can be assigned to men who have an unhealthy relationship with their mom, as well as those who have a very healthy and loving relationship with their mom.”

In short, it might be a pejorative with some weight to it, or it might be an insult born from jealousy, dislike or some other factor. Whether a man’s relationship with his mother is healthy or not can be tricky to determine from an outside perspective; being termed a “mama’s boy” alone certainly isn’t an indication that there’s anything wrong per se. 

2. The Psychology Behind a Mama's Boy 

What causes some men to have strong bonds with their mothers? How about those who see their mothers as extraneous to their lives or somehow unimportant? 

Despite a mother’s role in carrying a pregnancy to term, giving birth to a child, and (in most cases) raising them — sometimes, despite the best of intentions, a mother’s love is rejected by her children. 

When it’s her son doing it, it may be due to a personality clash — but it might also be due to gendered reasons. 

Because we live in a culture that is often dismissive to females, it’s possible for boys to develop sexist attitudes even quite young in childhood. Coming to associate women and femininity with weakness can mean even your mother could come to represent primarily negative connotations for a boy not yet out of grade school. If that’s the case, developing a strong mother-son relationship over time is less likely.

Other boys, meanwhile, come to see their mothers as sources of comfort, love and guidance. It’s this attitude that likely leads to a boy growing up to be seen as a mama’s boy — possibly even earning the sobriquet as a child.

As Jor-El Caraballo, a relationship therapist and co-creator of Viva Wellness, points out, the term does tend to have negative connotations when used.

“Traditionally, ‘mama's boys’ were seen as less attractive mates,” he says. “Having this label typically mean those men were stereotyped as less masculine or underdeveloped and immature. Those stereotypes still persist, with many women fearing that committing to a mama's boy also means committing to being a surrogate mother for the duration of the relationship.”

That being said, again, it’s not necessarily an insult, and even if it’s intended as one, it might be reflective of positive traits rather than negative ones. 

“Name-calling is so common in this day and age, that we tend to assign names like ‘mama‘s boy,’ and assume it means the worst,” says House. “It might not mean that this man is clinging to his mother, needy of her approval, incapable of making decisions without her. It could simply mean that he is a good man, respects women, was raised primarily or entirely by his mom, and because of all that he is more emotionally intelligent, romantic, kind, and wants his mom‘s approval because she has good judgment and he trusts her.”

In such a case, if he’s dating women, a female partner “will eventually come first, just as he believes that women in general should be put on a pedestal.”

In short, those dating a mama’s boy might be in for a treat rather than an unpleasant experience. 

3. Signs That He’s a Mama's Boy

What distinguishes a mama’s boy from any other guy? How exactly do you quantify the closeness of a relationship with one’s mother? Well, that’ll depend on the mother and son in question, and, crucially, on the person using the term. 

However, there are some signs that might help you identify one. 

“Mama’s boys are often well-mannered, well-groomed and very personable,” says Tessina. “The mother may also have encouraged him to have a good education and career. It depends on what her vision is for her son. Criminals can be twisted mama’s boys, too, so there’s a wide spectrum.”

Of course, a close relationship with one’s mother is no guarantee that you’ll be spending time in a corner office or a jail cell, but Caraballo agrees that there are positive and negative aspects at play. 

“Mama's boys might be more adept at understanding the emotional needs of women (or even themselves),” says Caraballo. “This could be due to a more natural inclination towards sensitivity, but also may be related to positive reinforcements throughout childhood in being a mama's boy. They might have also received positive reinforcement from other sources as well (friends, girlfriends, etc.).”

On the other hand, he says that some see mama's boys as those “not having the skills needed to be a provider, especially if the mama's boy relies on his mother for daily living support well into adulthood (he doesn't know how to do laundry, clean, make meals well into his 20s, for instance).” 

In which case, his love life could be taking a hit — especially if he’s looking for a traditional husband, wife and kids set-up. 

RELATED: How to Be a Better Husband, Revealed

“If a woman wants a husband, she wants someone that can take care of themselves as well as help take care of her (and potentially their children in the future),” adds Caraballo. 

4. Dating a Mama's Boy

Yes, whatever other guys say about mama’s boys, much of the implication is that it’ll be a problem in a dating context.

Whether the man in question is dating women or not, his mother’s role in his life could scare off potential partners. As well, if he’s unable to do things for himself, his mother’s controlling nature might be less concerning than simply the fact that he’s not very macho or grown up. 

That being said, being a so-called mama’s boy can actually carry dividends in the dating game.

“Mama’s boys can be very good at dealing with women, which makes them attractive,” says Tessina. House agrees, noting that mama’s boys “tend to be more romantic, emotionally intelligent, thoughtful, understanding, listeners, and more outwardly loving.”

There’s a big “if” here, though, as those traits can cease to be attractive if the man in question’s relationship with his mother is a massive factor in his life, overwhelming his ability to date without his mother’s interference. 

Basically, things are in the clear “until the entanglement with Mom comes to light,” says Tessina. “It depends on how strong the attachment to mother is. If she encourages him to date, and she wants grandchildren, she can be very helpful and supportive in the dating area. She can be very close to her son, yet allow some room for him to marry, because she wants grandchildren.”

And if the attachment is stronger? It could spell doom for the mama’s boy’s dating life. 

“A mama’s boy might compare every woman to his mom, looking for a woman who has similar traits,” says House. “Because every woman and mom is different, his mom might be nurturing, driven, active, traditional or unconventional. He might be more attracted to women who align with and are similar in interest and general characteristics to his mom.”

Thus, anyone who falls outside of his mother’s approval — or simply isn’t interested in being close with their boyfriend’s mother — will likely be on the outside looking in before long. 

5. How to Deal With Being a Mama's Boy

If you’ve come to the conclusion that you’re a mama’s boy, well, don’t fret. The term can imply both positive and negative things, and it might be easier for a mama’s boy to work on improving his boundaries with his mother than for an average guy to learn all the life lessons he missed out on due to a weaker, distant or non-existent relationship with his. 

“Embrace it,” advises House. “But also check yourself to see if you are a mama’s boy in a negative way. Are you unable to be in relationships with women because no woman is as good as your mom?”

If that’s the case, it might be time to start creating some space in that relationship.

“Learn to be a grownup with your mother,” says Tessina. “Set boundaries so you can have a personal life, and don’t bow to her wishes in all things. You can be close to and loving toward your mother without going overboard. Learn to make your own decisions and set your own goals.”

In particular, making sure that aspect of your life doesn’t spill over and negatively impact your love life is important. 

“Ultimately, there's nothing wrong with being a mama's boy,” says Caraballo. “Each man, whether he's a mama's boy or not, has to cultivate the skills necessary to live independently. If a man is concerned about how dependent he is on his mother (or his partner), I suggest he focus on learning the skills of independence (how to maintain a household, budget, take care of self, etc.) as well as learn how to self-soothe and manage his own emotions effectively (which will also help him better support his partner).”

In short, as with many things in life, if you’re aware of a problem, it’s far from impossible to start taking steps to address it. The first step is awareness, and the second is willingness. If you have those two in hand, there’s no reason to fear. 

After all, this is hardly the mother of all personality problems.

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Alex Manley, Khareem Sudlow

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Male Orgasm: What It Feels Like & How to Intensify It

Before the scientific advances that led to the development of in vivo fertilization, the male orgasm was directly responsible for the existence of every human being in history.

Of course, without eggs, wombs, birth canals, midwives and everything else that goes into growing a sperm into a living human, none of those orgasms would have amounted to anything. But it’s still an interesting thing to consider, and helps explain, perhaps, the intense importance that many men place on their orgasms.

Of course, modern-day sex is very rarely about procreation. Even so, we’re not exactly looking at a shortage of humans being born, so the importance of a guy ejaculating is quite likely as low as it’s ever been. But it’s still worth asking the question — what is the male orgasm? Why is it such a big deal? How, if at all, is it different from the female orgasm?

We spoke with two doctors who specialize in such things — a urologist and a sex therapist — to help get to the bottom of all this.

1. What Is a Male Orgasm?

In most mainstream pornography, the male orgasm is the literal and figurative climax of the story, acting as the goal towards which all the participants are working. In real-life sex, that’s often the case, too, but it doesn’t need to be. It is something that requires work, however, since you can’t just orgasm accidentally, First, you need to enter into a state of physical arousal, i.e. achieve an erection.

Then, what happens next relies on your brain in a big way.

“The male orgasm is a sensation that is basically driven by the sympathetic nervous system, activated by your five senses,” says Dr. Koushik Shaw, MD of the Austin Urology Institute. “It is a complex interplay between your brain, your brain stem and your spinal cord. It can be heightened through your sense of touch, smell, and visuals. All your senses can activate the sympathetic nervous system, which in turn helps trigger the sensation of orgasm.”

And how long does this sensation last?

“That is going to be varied between different people and across various excitement states,” says Shaw. “Usually between a few seconds to 30 seconds.”

What Does the Male Orgasm Feel Like?

“Most people describe it as a pulsing, wave-like release of pelvic tension, associated with high levels of sexual arousal and pleasure,” says Dr. Jason Winters, founder and director of the West Coast Centre for Sex Therapy. “It's the release.”

That being said, when you experience an orgasm, you’re not “most people” — you’re you. So your specific experience of orgasm can differ from other people’s.

“This is different for each person,” says Shaw. “It could be a feeling of euphoria, or just a general ‘feeling great.’ Your blood pressure can go up, your heart rate goes up. There could be a tingling sensation in your spine or your brain. It can really be a multitude of sensations and is different for each person.”

He also notes the “release of endorphins and enkephalins — the same hormones that give you a runner's high or are released when you win a prize” that you feel during an orgasm.

“They are the ‘feel good hormones’ that will be released during an orgasm,” he adds. “So, in short — you'll know because you'll feel good.”

You’ll also likely know because you ejaculate — that is, shoot a quantity of semen, a white-ish sticky liquid out of your urethra — though sometimes younger boys can achieve orgasm before they begin producing semen to go with it.

Are There Different Types of Male Orgasms?

Are there kinds of orgasms you’ve yet to experience, new and unexplored forms of orgasm?

“In terms of what's going on in the brain, no,” says Winters. In short, an orgasm is an orgasm. But, he notes that “from a sensory point of view, however, any add-on sensory stimuli can make the experience feel different. This can be from stimulating other parts of the body (i.e., other than the penis) during orgasm, for example, or different ways of stimulating the penis.”

RELATED: 7 Different Masturbation Techniques Every Guy Should Try

Basically, an orgasm you get from masturbation might feel different from one you get from a blowjob, which might feel different from one you get from penetrative sex, which might feel different from one you get from a handjob with additional prostate stimulation.

Apart from that, Shaw notes that your orgasms are likely to change slightly as you age.

“Orgasms are generally better when you're younger, and not as strong as you get older,” he says. “Also, heart disease, diabetes, a high-fat diet, lack of exercise and anything that can affect your neurovascular system and sensation pathways negatively can diminish your sense of orgasm.”

2. Can Men Orgasm Without Ejaculating?

While most people associate orgasming and ejaculating together, they’re actually different things. Though this might be relatively rare cases, it is possible to ejaculate without orgasming, and also to orgasm without ejaculating.

“Orgasm without ejaculation is called 'dry orgasm',” says Winters. “It's achieved by flexing the PC [pubococygeus muscle] during orgasm. This pinches the urethra shut, preventing ejaculation.”

Not sure what that means? Essentially, you’re performing the same move you’d do in order to stop peeing. If you know how to do that, you already know how to flex your PC muscle — now it’s just a question of trying to do it during your orgasm. Easier said than done, perhaps, but still possible if you’re willing to put in the effort.

However, in some cases an ejaculation-free orgasm might be an accident rather than an intentional outcome.

RELATED: How to Work Out Your PC Muscles, Revealed

“Alternatively, it can be the result of a problem called retrograde ejaculation (ejaculate goes up the urethra into the bladder, rather than out the urethra),” says Winter. “It's also possible to ejaculate without orgasm.”

Shaw notes that ejaculating without having an orgasm could occur post-pelvic surgery.

“Prostate surgery can have this effect,” he says. “In other words, some medical procedures can have you lose your orgasm, but still ejaculate.”

And on top of physical procedures having an impact, chemical ones can affect your orgasm, too.

“People on certain antidepressants may keep their erection for minutes or hours and potentially delay their ejaculation for quite some time,” explains Shaw. “Sometimes, we use low-dose antidepressant medication to help treat people for premature ejaculation.”

3. What’s the Difference Between Male and Female Orgasms?

When it comes to sex, particularly between a man and a woman, people often focus on the differences between the male experience and the female experience.

But when it comes to the difference between the male orgasm and the female orgasm, apparently, there’s not much to focus on.

“There isn't really much [difference] at all,” says Winters. “The few brain-imaging studies that are available show wide-spread activation of a whole bunch of regions of the brain in both males and females. There isn't really much to differentiate the patterns of activation when you compare the sexes.”

That being said, what’s going on in the brain and what’s going on in the rest of the body are different things.

“If you compare female orgasm with male orgasm and ejaculation (which is a separate, but related, process), then differences emerge,” says Winters.

Which isn’t to say that women can’t also ejaculate — but female ejaculation is a wholly different phenomenon.

4. Can Men Have Multiple Orgasms?

Perhaps the main difference between men’s orgasms and women’s orgasms is how many they’re able to give themselves.

While men might have a hard time giving women orgasms, women are quite good at giving themselves orgasms, courtesy of an elevated capacity to be multi-orgasmic.

“Some people have the capacity to be multiorgasmic,” says Shaw. “Women tend to be more so than men, however, men can definitely have multiple orgasms.”

If you don’t have a ton of orgasm experience (or even if you do), that may be news to you. After orgasming, most guys experience “a refractory period, which is ‘how long before you can go at it again’” notes Shaw. “That can be anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours when you’re younger to a few days as you get older.”

RELATED: How Men Can Achieve Multiple Orgasms, Too

During the refractory period, Winters says “the body enters a state of sexual inhibition.”

“Arousal can't continue or happen,” he states. “This is why guys typically lose their erections after ejaculation and no amount of stimulation will get them hard again.”

So are multiple orgasms on the table at all? Well, it seems to all come down to your ejaculation.

“The refractory period can be circumvented by preventing ejaculation during orgasm,” says Winters. “This can be achieved by pinching the urethra shut with fingers, or by learning (i.e., training) to flex the PC hard enough to prevent ejaculation.”

5. Can Men Intensify Their Orgasm?

Regardless of whether you ever achieve multi-orgasmic status, if you’ve had enough individual orgasms, you’re likely to realize that some of them feel more intense than others. Which raises the question — why? And the follow-up question: Can I make my orgasms more intense?

For starters, orgasm intensity is, according to Shaw, “complex, and also affected by testosterone.”

“Higher testosterone levels at a younger age can lead to a more intense orgasm,” he says, while “age-related lower testosterone, stress, lack of sleep, etc. can affect it negatively.”

As a result, “it is important to take good care of your penis and your sexual life, along with your health, to maximize the quality of your orgasms,” he adds.

That being said, it’s definitely possible to amp up certain factors in order to make your orgasms more intense. For one, using an erection-enhancing sex toy like a cock ring could potentially help. But more broadly, a lot of orgasm intensity is tied to build-up. Meaning if you just came a few minutes ago, having another orgasm not long after is likely to produce a relatively weak one. If you’re orgasming several times a day, you’re likely to have weaker ones in general.

Staving off orgasm over a long period, whether by avoiding masturbation and sex or by using a technique called “edging,” can help produce an extra-powerful one when you do.

RELATED: Understanding (and Mastering) the Edging Sexual Pleasure Technique

At the end of the day, everyone’s orgasm will be a unique experience brought on by a combination of factors — their sexual triggers, their surroundings, how much stimulation they’ve experienced since the last orgasm, and so forth.

But no matter the exact feeling, weak or strong, having the opportunity to bask in one of the best sensations known to humankind isn’t so bad, is it?

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DMTBeautySpot

via https://www.DMTBeautySpot.com

Alex Manley, Khareem Sudlow