Harmony* was drinking red wine on a boat the first time she heard Adele’s new album, 30. She and her friend were talking about love — or, rather, Harmony was venting about her very recent ex, who she’d begun seeing during the height of the pandemic. What had started as a dreamy, intoxicating, and relatively carefree affair had spiraled into a toxic, stressful nightmare. And when she tried to talk to him about their problems — including his habit of flirting, blatantly, with other women — he’d deflected, disrespected, and even gaslit her. Gutted, Harmony (whose name has been changed) had ended things. And though two weeks had passed between the breakup and November 19, when she and her friend met up on the boat, she was still processing.

Even before she started opening up about her romantic woes, Harmony’s friend had suggested that the new Adele album would make the perfect background music for their catch-up. Harmony only half-listened to most of it as they chatted, until the song “Woman Like Me” came on. The chorus of the poignant ballad — about knowing what you deserve, and the torturous nature of dealing with a partner who isn’t meeting that standard — immediately grabbed her. “It talks about complacency being the worst trait to have, and says that consistency is the gift you give for free,” the 33-year-old tells Refinery29. “That seriously hit me.” 

When Harmony got home, she played the song over and over again while cleaning her apartment. “I’m a Capricorn, so it’s my nature to listen to songs incessantly on repeat,” she says. As she Swiffered and scrubbed the dishes, the song continued to hit her differently on each play. “The more you listen, the more you can tell that Adele wanted to be lost in this relationship, but not this way,” she says. “For me, the moral of the story is she’s not going to tolerate a complacent person who doesn’t fully honor her and is going to move on. I needed to hear that, and I think I found that song at the exact right moment in time.” 

If Harmony had to go through a breakup, she’s not really mad it was during so-called “Sad Girl Autumn” — the perhaps inevitable aftermath of the ill-fated “Hot Girl Summer.” Fall 2021 has been punctuated by (and, perhaps, informed by) a veritable soundtrack of sadness: “The Only Heartbreaker” from Mitski, Adele’s 30, and Taylor Swift’s re-recorded version of Red. The songs tugged at our heartstrings, begging us to walk around moodily while listening, and relistening, and reliving our most recent, or our most painful, breakups.

For people like Harmony, who were going through a split this fall, the Sad Girl Autumn chart-toppers felt like fate, or a serendipitous gift. Harmony has continued to play “Woman Like Me” constantly since it came out, occasionally mixing in Solange’s “T.O.N.Y.” She says the songs supported her through her breakup and helped her make sense of some of the confusing emotions the split had brought up. 

Indeed, music has the power to shift people’s emotions, sometimes helping them cope with a breakup and other times potentially spurring them to consider initiating one, says Amy Morin, a licensed social worker who, as the editor-in-chief of Verywell Mind, helped launch a survey about music and mental health. “[Music] definitely has the ability to change the way we think and feel,” she explains. “For a lot of people, it stirs up emotions. It might remind them, ‘Hey, it’s not okay for myself to be treated like this.’ Or, ‘I can do better.’ I think it could empower people to create change in their life. In some cases, that may involve changing the relationship or making peace with ending it.” 

A 2019 study of more than 2,500 people in China and the U.S. found that, across cultures, different music can evoke different emotions: sadness, anger, nostalgia, excitement, or fear. ​​And it’s not just about lyrics. “The current thinking is that the acoustic features of music resemble how we communicate emotion with our voice,” says Dacher Keltner, PhD, a professor of psychology at UC Berkeley and one of the study’s authors. Sad songs sound, well, sad, so they activate melancholic memories. “Your brain is saying, ‘That song is representing sadness, and I’m feeling it, but I’m feeling it in this aesthetic, musical context.’ This makes it a different kind of emotion than your own actual sadness,’” Dr. Keltner says. Listening to sad music, then, lets us be objective about our own sadness. It’s like we’re on the outside of our own situation, peeping in through a bay window. 

In that way, even sad songs can have positive effects. In fact, many people leaned on music more than ever during the pandemic, Morin says: We couldn’t have coffee with a friend, but… we could turn on the radio and feel a little bit less alone.” 

While it can be cathartic to listen to sad songs that allow you to sit with the emotions you’re having, some experts argue that staying in those feelings for too long can do more harm than good. Dr. Keltner says that more research is needed before we can say for sure whether listening to sorrowful music too much can ultimately make you sadder. But even so, Morin urges people to check in with themselves periodically during a marathon-listening session. “If you’re feeling sad and this music is making you feel even sadder, it’s important to take a moment to be present and analyze how that sadness is serving you, if at all,” she says. 

Morin also has concerns about the glamorization of sadness. The TikTok trends that have cropped up around Adele’s and Swift’s heart-maiming albums are often light-hearted, and aim to tap into the universal experience of getting in your feels over a somber playlist — think, people scream-singing in the shower to Taylor’s version of old classics. But Morin says it’s important to also get across the message that “you don’t have to stay stuck” in the so-sad-it-hurts phase of a breakup or other low period. 

Anthony*, for example, says he’s found listening to the music of Sad Girl Autumn to be helpful, but only to a point. In October, he ended things with the “amazing person” he’d been seeing for about three months. He still sometimes finds solace in listening to tear-jerkers from Adele and Mary J. Blige while lying by his hamper on his carpeted bedroom floor. But although this is cathartic for him, he also knows that “Adele is not a professional therapist.”

“There’s still work I need to do,” Anthony (who asked to be identified by his middle name) tells Refinery29. “At the end of the day, I need to be working on myself to make sure I can bring good energy in order to attract quality guys.” 

Lately, Anthony has also started to crave music that he knows will put him in a “better headspace,” such as “I Knew I Loved You” by Savage Garden. Harmony, too, says that — even though she suspects she still has another week of listening to “Woman Like Me” on repeat in her — she wants to start switching up her repertoire to include more upbeat music, such as “Savage” by Megan Thee Stallion. “Sometimes you want to listen to music that makes you feel dark and cozy and makes you want to cuddle up in your snuggie,” she says. “But you need a good balance of being alone and dwelling in your thoughts and music that makes you feel better and confident — music to be used as a vehicle to know your worth.”

So while sad songs helped Harmony and Anthony make sense of their breakups, they’re relying on happier tunes as they move into the next stage — reclaiming their confidence. As Dr. Keltner points out, there are plenty of things you can do to “shift towards a happier state, like seeing a film or getting out with your friends.” Music is just one tool we have, but it’s a powerful one. “There are many reasons we choose music, and that speaks to its richness,” Dr. Keltner says. 

Music can even mark the passage of time. Someday in the future, “Woman Like Me” might come up on a random Spotify playlist Harmony is listening to and instantly transport her back to how she felt in this moment — and, hopefully, show her how far she’s come. “Music,” she says. “I don’t know how you could go through a breakup without it.” 

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My Breakup TikTok Went Viral. Here's What Happened

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I’m not afraid to admit that the selection of lubes in my bedside table is nearly as robust as the selection of makeup products in my medicine cabinet. Look, I’m a health reporter; I need them for research, okay!? And my commitment to quality testing made me particularly interested when TikTok introduced me to an entirely new way to use sexual lubricant: as a makeup primer. 

The #lubeprimer hashtag on TikTok currently has more than 10.6 million views, and the reviews are mixed. Some claimed that using lubricant in place of regular primer made their faces look as dewy as a blade of grass after a fresh-fallen rain. Others said the effects weren’t worth the bad breakout that followed. I’d never considered putting lube on my face before, but I was intrigued and, frankly, hyped to try it myself. 

So, on a Thursday night, I washed my face, then slathered on a healthy dollop of an organic, aloe-based lube I had on hand. After giving it a minute to dry down, I applied my foundation and highlighter as usual. When I was done, I stared at myself in the mirror and nearly gasped aloud. My skin glowed like it never had before. I wondered if this was what fireflies felt like when they lit up. A once-weird-looking bug mystically and briefly transforming into a shiny, fun bug — that was me! 

A glow like this couldn’t be wasted, so I rallied my friends and hit the town. In the bathroom at my favorite neighborhood watering hole, I racked up my first compliment on my glow. “Your skin is amazing,” a stranger said. I was flattered but also didn’t take it too seriously because everyone knows people tend to be overly friendly in bar bathrooms. They’re better than Meetup when it comes to making new pals — but not the best when you need clear-eyed feedback on a new look. 

@lukeketuhok

💚💚💚 #lubeprimer #fyp #gay #makeup #makeuptutorial #makeuphacks #dojacat #sayso #nickiminaj #fentybeauty #nyxcosmetics #natashadenona #hudabeauty

♬ sayso nicki verse – da big crybaby.

The second time I wore a full face of lube out of the house, I stopped off at a grocery store. I almost forgot I had it on — until the checkout person told me that I looked like “a doll.” I knew my TikTok makeup hack was to thank. When I don’t have lube on my face, the best compliment I’ve gotten while food shopping is, “I like that brand of tomato sauce, too.” 

At that point, I considered the lube primer to be a personal success. But part of me was still somewhat skeptical. Despite what initially seemed like radiant results, my research had indicated that — even though some lubes contain similar ingredients to skin-care products, such as dimethicone and glycerin — lube could potentially wreak havoc on the skin. (I’d also read that it could seriously burn if you got any in your eyes, so I was extra-careful around that area.) Sure enough, the day after my second trial, a pimple popped up on my chin. Even so, I felt it was too soon in my experimentation process to confirm or deny it was caused by the lube, as this is a typical problem area for me.  

The dermatologists I spoke to, however, were clear that using lube on the face could lead to breakouts and irritation. Oil-based lubricants, in particular, are likely to clog pores, says Marisa Garshick, MD, FAAD, a board-certified dermatologist in New York City, NY. Lube may also contain ingredients like preservatives or fragrances that irritate or harm the skin — especially lubes that promise to add sensation like warmth, or that are flavored, adds Dennis Gross, MD, a board-certified dermatologist, dermatological surgeon, and the co-founder of Dr. Dennis Gross Skincare. Additionally, spermicide, which is found in some lubes, is a pretty harsh, potentially irritating ingredient to be rubbing onto your face. “It may be tempting to try the latest buzzy experiment, but remember your skin is an organ,” Dr. Gross cautions. 

@nikescanvas

I’m seriously thinking deep about continuing this 🤷🏿‍♀️😅 #lubeprimer #fyp #makeup #beauty #thankyouLord

♬ original sound – Adenike Akinpelu

Dr. Garshick says that a good rule of thumb is to only use products specifically formulated for the face on your face, since they tend to be gentler than products formulated to use elsewhere. But as the derms listed all the ways lube could irritate your precious face skin, I found myself wondering whether the stuff could be all that safe for traditional use. After all, what’s more sensitive than your genitals?  

One difference is that lube is meant to be on the skin temporarily; most people wash up after sex, but leave makeup on for hours, Dr. Garshick says. “You’re trapping any dirt or oil or anything below the surface of the skin, and you’re going about your day and sweating and doing all these other things, and you can worsen your potential for clogged pores which can lead to breakouts,” she notes. 

But the fact is, many of those face-irritating ingredients can bother the genitals too. Glycerin can cause yeast infections in people prone to them; the spermicide Nonoxynol 9 can irritate skin and kill healthy vaginal bacteria; and petroleum, another common ingredient in lube, can cause bacterial infections in some cases, says sex educator Erica Smith. 

Dr. Garshick says that dermatology patients do come in from time to time with genital irritation or rashes from the lube they’re using. “For those people, we recommend fragrance-free and water-based lubricants,” she says. “It goes to show that it’s definitely important to always consider the ingredients in any product you’re using.” Certified sex coach Myisha Battle names Good Clean Love, Sustain Natural, and Dame as options with “limited ingredients that are less likely to disrupt pH levels and lead to common infections like UTIs and bacterial vaginosis.” But there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. As Smith puts it, “We need to recognize that we all have different bodies that may be more sensitive to certain ingredients, and find the lube that works best for us.” Dr. Gross adds, “We should be holding the sexual wellness industry to a higher standard to ensure the safety and health of consumers.”

Maybe one reason my lube-primer experiment went so well, then, is that I was using an organic lubricant that contains soothing aloe — a gentle option that worked well on face skin. Or maybe I just happened to pick an option that complimented my unique skin chemistry. Regardless, Dr. Garshick stresses that not everyone reacts to products the same way. So while she says “it’s not completely crazy” to use lube as primer and she wouldn’t put it on her “must not do” list of skincare pitfalls (which includes using abrasive scrubs or harsh soaps), she certainly wouldn’t go so far as to recommend it. And if someone’s going to do it anyway, she suggests dabbing a little lube on a small area of the skin and leaving it for 24 hours to see if you have a reaction before applying it all over the full face. That’s especially important if you have more sensitive or acne-prone skin, she notes.

In a surprising twist, Durex takes a slightly stronger anti-lube-primer stance than Dr. G. “Consumer safety and responsibility are our top priorities, and we advise against using products aside from their intended purpose,” a Durex spokesperson told me. “However, we love seeing people openly use lube and encourage everyone to keep using it for their sexual experiences because wetter is better!” The sexual wellness brand Maude declined to comment on the story, and representatives for K-Y didn’t respond to Refinery29’s request for comment. 

While TikTok has a way of making trends feel new, this makeup hack (or mishap, depending on how you look at it) has been around for a while. Beauty vlogger Huda Katan tried K-Y Jelly as a primer way back in 2016. Even Lukáš Kohutek, a beauty lover and TikToker who’s been credited with sparking the most recent resurgence in the #lubeprimer trend, says he began incorporating the product into his routine three years ago, when his best friend’s mom suggested it as a skin-care product to help with acne scarring. Although he stopped using it in his skin-care regimen, he later realized it could be a great primer. “Even though I have oily skin, I have a few dry patches around my face,” he says. “But with the lube, it looks amazing, and I think that every foundation glides on smoothly and looks healthy and beautiful.” 

Kohukek, 20, realizes it might not work for everyone, but he hasn’t noticed having more or less breakouts while using lube on his face. And while he loves the unique glow the product gives him, he also loves what the trend represents: people experimenting and playing with different makeup and beauty techniques. “I’m still a bit scared of going outside with a full face on because I live in the Czech Republic, and there are a lot of people who are accepting it but most people don’t,” he says. He calls the internet “a safe space,” and says, “I take makeup as an art, so when I’m happy about the result, I’m the same way as an artist with a painting he loves, showing it off to everyone.” 

Of course, every artist needs to be mindful about their own canvas and the paints, oils, or watercolors they use to make things beautiful. If lube doesn’t work with your skin or doesn’t seem worth the risk of a breakout, leave it in your nightstand. There are plenty of other ways to tap into that firefly-like glow… like actual makeup primer. 

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The day Ava* decided to stop cheating on her partner started like any other. She woke up, poured herself a mug of coffee, did her makeup, got dressed. She drove her toddler to daycare, then herself to work. As she was getting out of her car, she heard the ping of an email — a note from her lover. They emailed often, and while at first his messages made her feel desirable and wanted, lately, she’d been feeling overwhelmed by the affair. This message, though, changed everything. 

In a few, short paragraphs, Ava’s lover described a dinner he’d had with his wife, in which she’d expressed that he felt “distant.” As she read, Ava’s stomach dropped like she had just careened over a rollercoaster’s highest peak. “To hear that she had brought that up hit me like a ton of bricks and made it real for me,” Ava tells Refinery29. “I was picturing her, waiting for him to get home from work and having dinner ready for him. Noticing that her husband was acting different towards her, and working up the courage to share her worries about their marriage.” 

One reason that particular image hit home for Ava is because she’d been in the wife’s position. Ava’s husband had cheated first, sustaining another relationship for two years, including while Ava was pregnant with their child. Though she’d suspected something was off for months, she’d actually found out about the cheating on her first Mother’s Day, after calling the vet to check in on their dog, who was sick and had stayed overnight; her husband’s mistress had called first, and the secretary unwittingly exposed the affair. It “completely destroyed me as a person,” Ava says. 

Although her husband ended the affair, Ava struggled to recover. She was still trying to feel like herself again after giving birth, and learning about the infidelity felt like her partner had taken “a butcher’s knife” to her self-esteem. 

After going through that pain, Ava didn’t set out to cheat herself — but when she reconnected with an old contact, 25 years her senior, at an industry event a year after learning of her husband’s cheating, their flirtations felt reaffirming, a reminder of her own attractiveness and worth. The flirting turned into a full-fledged emotional affair, which later turned physical. “We were both in an emotionally vulnerable place, so it was a ‘the stars aligned to start this’ type thing,” she remembers. Over the next year, Ava often felt guilty, but the relationship also made her feel like she was regaining her power and sense of self. “He helped me feel more confident and rebuild that part of myself that I had lost,” Ava says. “I felt validated.” 

The email shattered the spell she’d been under. She couldn’t stop thinking about her lover’s wife, and even looked up photos of him and her on social media. “Looking at her face, I felt like the most horrible human,” Ava says. “I was doing the same thing to someone else that had been done to me. I thought, If she finds out, her world is going to end just like mine did.” Not long after getting the email, she called to end things with her lover. Six months after that, she left her husband. 

Ava believes this email changed the course of her entire life. And in fact, many people who’ve strayed say that, similarly, they can point to one specific event that made them realize that they wanted to stop, says Moraya Seeger DeGeare, MA, LMFT, co-owner of BFF Therapy.  “I think it’s many series of events that can lead up to someone deciding to stop cheating, but often it is a specific moment of clarity or moment of higher functioning that we pinpoint as the pivotal change,” explains DeGeare. 

That pivotal event may be getting caught, but Tammy Nelson, PhD, a sex and relationship expert and author of When You’re the One Who Cheats, says that affairs often end when they either serve their purpose — for example, when they get you out of an unhappy marriage or scratch a sexual itch — or when a person realizes that they’re not serving any purpose.

But figuring out what happens next can be complicated. No matter how a person decides to get out of an affair — by breaking up with the lover, or the primary partner, or both; by coming clean about the infidelity, or by keeping it a secret — after ending things or just deciding they want to end things in the future, many people benefit from looking at why they crossed a boundary in their relationship or with themselves in the first place. 

Individual therapy can be helpful to someone going through this, says Damona Hoffman, OkCupid’s dating coach and host of The Dates & Mates Podcast. Cheating is almost always more about the cheater than the person or people they’re cheating on or with. But many people who have been unfaithful deal with a deep sense of shame, which is, in part, reinforced by societal stereotypes that paint all cheaters as bad people. “Changing behavior is hard, especially when it’s deeply tied to shame,” points out DeGeare. “If you’re feeling worthless deep down, it’s actually easier to continue with those behaviors than change behaviors that don’t match with how we see ourselves.” Therefore, that shame must be worked through in order for a person to be able to honestly look at why they cheat, and how they want to grow.

Sorting through a person’s motivations for infidelity can be much like detangling a delicate gold necklace chain — it’s slow work, and it requires time, dedication, and care. Someone’s first impulse might be to blame their partner, as Ava initially did. But oftentimes there’s internal work that needs to be done too. “Usually the process is doing deeper therapeutic work to understand the underlying beliefs and patterns that led you here,” Hoffman says. 

One way of examining one’s motivations is by unpacking what straying did for them, DeGeare says. “It’s about asking, ‘What is making you put this energy out there that you’re available? Is it because you love the feeling of being wanted? What’s the reason for that?’” she says. “For example, is it because a parent was neglectful and never made you feel like you were enough or had all their attention? Is it time to go have a conversation with that parent if they’re still alive? How can you feel good about yourself on your own, without the validation of other people?” 

Of course, there’s no one smoking gun that’s true for all situations. Affairs and the motivations for indulging in them are complex, as Ava’s story reveals. Ultimately, Hoffman notes, almost all people who are trying to recover from an affair will need to do some self-inquiry to better understand their impulses, emotions, and motivations, while also showing themselves some understanding and self-love.

The work can be grueling but is ultimately worth it. On the other side is an opportunity to live more authentically, and to build happier and more honest relationships. For example, some people who cheat realize that they want to explore their sexuality, their gender identity, or non-monogamy. Others realize that they’ve been stuck in an unhealthy pattern that’s affecting more than just their romantic relationships. “Sometimes an affair is a way to discover an alternative self,” Dr. Nelson adds. “It may not always be about finding a new person, but becoming a new person.” 

That was true for Ava. After ending both her marriage and affair, she moved to a new town with her child and started going to therapy. “I discovered my self-worth again on my own, without a partner,” she says. “I grew my business and became a solid single mother who learned to co-parent with the one who broke my heart. In time, I felt whole and complete again. I worked out, I admitted awful things about myself, and I forgave myself.”

It may have been a long time coming, but when looking back at the story of her life, Ava can’t help but credit the events of that one morning — reading her lover’s email, feeling her stomach queasily drop — as her impetus for ending both her complicated affair and her mercurial marriage. Today, she still considers it one of the most important moments of her life, the final tug that unraveled what had previously seemed to be a hopelessly tangled knot of deceit.

*Name has been changed for privacy.

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When Lauren Petrullo was about 9 years old, she told her dad that, when she grew up, she wanted to be so rich that she could “buy a boyfriend.” She figured this would be necessary, because she would be “too busy with my successful career” for dating. Petrullo imagined that she and her boyfriend — who she wanted to be tall and big-hearted, like her 6’8” stay-at-home dad — would live at Disney World together, in a house with princess beds and rooms for all her friends to stay in when they visited, which would happen often thanks to the private jet in her driveway, “so that I could fly them out.” 

Far-fetched? Maybe. But research has shown that this kind of childhood daydreaming about the future is common, and can have an impact on kids into adulthood, says Scott Barry Kaufman, PhD, a humanistic psychologist, founder of the Center for the Science of Human Potential, and host of The Psychology Podcast. Whether that impact is positive or negative depends a lot on how people interpret those hopes and fantasies. Our dreams can either haunt us, or help us navigate as we travel down the road from adolescence to adulthood, bobbing and weaving around obstacles along the way. 

Daydreaming vividly about could-be achievements allows young people to try out different identities: Will I be an astronaut? A politician? An oceanographer? A parent? Dr. Kaufman’s research has shown that this kind of “positive constructive daydreaming” (a term coined in the 1960s by psychologist Jerome L. Singer) can help kids flex their creativity, practice planning for their futures, and engage in healthy self-reflection. It can also encourage people to cultivate hope — exactly the thing that often motivates us to actually take action to achieve our dreams, says Valerie Maholmes, PhD, author of Fostering Resilience and Well-Being in Children and Families in Poverty: Why Hope Still Matters. “[We’re all able] to see beyond our current circumstance, but it’s hope that makes us do something about it — along with having mentors, a supportive environment, and resources to help you get where you want to go,” she says. 

When kids’ dreams are encouraged, it increases their ability to believe they can succeed, adds Jessica Lahey, author of The Gift of Failure. “The more self-efficacy they have, the more they feel they can make a decision or take action that will result in positive change and the more likely they are to have bigger dreams that they can achieve,” Lahey says. 

Of course, kids’ fantasies about their future aren’t necessarily the same as goals that are meant to be accomplished. “What really matters for adult success and happiness is not what you dream about, but more the process of how you dream,” says Mary Helen Immordino-Yang, EdD, professor of education, psychology, and neuroscience at USC. She says daydreams give kids a chance to practice “constructive internal reflection,” or the process of thinking critically about what they want their future values to be and represent. Daydreaming about their adult life allows children to discover their “values-driven goals,” which, Dr. Immordino-Yang explains, can answer the question: “What kind of person do you want to be, no matter what opportunities you have?” 

When Keesha Clark was young, for example, the now-34-year-old social worker and founder of Born Noir Nails had a fairly common career-related dream: She wanted to be president. Lying on her bed in her childhood home in Brooklyn, NY, Clark’s fantasies focused not only on what her life would look like, but also on what she’d be able to do with the job. “There I was, the first Black woman president sitting in the Oval Office, answering calls, signing policies, creating world peace,” she remembers. “I envisioned images of my heroes — MLK, Shirley Chisholm, and Angela Davis — proudly perched along the walls, and the Spice Girls jamming in the background as I signed the groundbreaking legislation.” Clark wanted to make real changes, and dreamt “of the world I wished to see.” Although Clark never got to become president, she still found ways to make a difference. She’s been extremely involved in Black Lives Matter, as an organizer and educator. She’s a leader in her community, acting as an advocate for Black maternal health and as a therapist. “It’s fulfilling work, and although my dreams now don’t look the same as they did, I believe my values have stayed the same,” Clark says. “I don’t want to be president now, but I’ve found that there are other ways to make change.” 

Children’s imaginations, glorious and wandering as they may be, don’t take flight without context; like everything else, they are susceptible to outside influence. This can be a good thing; Petrullo says that her parents “were always encouraging me to think more expansively,” meeting even her most over-the-top fantasies with the question, “Is that all you want?” You should always think bigger, her parents would say —  if you order a burger, don’t just settle for adding a slice of cheese. Ask yourself if you want to add avocado or sweet potato fries. Petrullo and her mom still remind each other to “add avocado” to this day when discussing their hopes and dreams, and how important it is to figure out what you really want and then ask for it. This type of positive motivation — to think beyond the moment at hand, and believe in all the possibilities to come — helped Petrullo even before she reached adulthood. Her father — a retired veteran and the “emotional epicenter” of her family — died when she was 13. Petrullo believes her parents’ early encouragement was to thank for her resilience and tenacity during the difficult years that followed. The family struggled financially; at one point in high school, Petrullo worked three jobs to help make sure her youngest brother had all the toys he wanted on Christmas, just as her parents had been able to provide before her father’s death. “Then, it wasn’t that I thought, No, I can’t achieve all the big dreams I have, but the ‘how I would achieve them’ part changed, and the ‘why’ mattered more. Why do I want this and what will it mean for my family?” she explains.

Not every child is given validation to dream big, though. Many times, parents, teachers, and caregivers can have a detrimental effect on kids’ aspirations for themselves. One common way this happens is when adults project their own dreams onto a child, says Moraya Seeger DeGeare, MA, LMFT, the co-owner of BFF Therapy and an anti-racism business consultant. “If you say, ‘Here’s your one talent: You’re a physical person and you’ll be good at football, so we’re going to be proud of you for physical things,’ that’s different from letting kids have many dreams,” she says. Some adults may also give “reality-checks” to kids’ dreams, like, “Don’t be a teacher, you won’t make enough money.” Or, “You can’t be the next Taylor Swift, you’re tone deaf.”

It’s not just the people in their lives who influence children’s dreams. “Kids are impacted by the media they get exposed to,” DeGeare says. Watching a diverse group of people in the media, in government, and in their lives working various jobs is key to unlocking kids’ abilities to dream big. Clark remembers when she was 6 years old, she was handed a large, plastic ruler in school that had all the former presidents’ names and faces on it. “I remember seeing that it was all white men,” she says. She found this discouraging, but still believed she could be the first Black woman to get her face on the ruler. She largely credits her ability to believe in herself to her parents, who not only exposed her to videos and books that showed Black role models such as Rosa Parks, Malcolm X, and Mary McLeod Bethune, but also didn’t sugarcoat the hardships they went through as Black people in America. “I hated the fact that I was aware that people would not like me because of the color of my skin,” she says. “That was so heartbreaking to me and I wanted to change it. My idea at the time was that if I was president, I could make the change.” 

Kids who aren’t exposed to diversity can have a harder time seeing a big and hopeful future for themselves. We know that institutions that are steeped in bigotry can have a detrimental effect on our lives, and that extends to our aspirations, goals, and fantasies. “Our dreams get so commercially influenced by pop culture and capitalism, even from a young age,” says DeGeare. In the U.S., what “success” looks like has largely been defined by capitalist ideals, DeGeare adds, something that has led to people having a very narrow idea of what constitutes adulthood: the corner office, the designer clothes, the luxury car, the marriage-plus-two-kids-by-30. A particular vision of success can also be re-affirmed and re-taught through TV shows, movies, and other media that depict big houses with chandeliers in every room and casual rides on private jets. “People need to look back and ask, ‘Was that really your dream, or was it based on something MTV Cribs told you that you should want to have?” DeGeare says.

We’re inundated with messages that tell us to equate material goods and patriarchal, privileged markers with feelings such as accomplishment, happiness, security, and even love, DeGeare says. And, these messages can limit kids’ dreams just as much as individuals’ reproval can — if not more. And blindly trying to achieve dreams like this as an adult can lead to burnout and regret. “If someone believes they’ll only be a good father if they can provide this monetary thing for their family, either because their father was able to or because they weren’t and they wanted it based on the models they saw in media, it can be a tricky thing to work through,” DeGeare says. “If my goodness is tied to what I can afford, it can be tied to grief and disappointment.” 

Childhood ambitions and fantasies can be viewed as tools to help young people reflect on their values and establish their sense of self. But, just as we grow out of our beloved childhood pajamas and eventually stop reading our favorite picture books, our dreams do — and often should — change, grow, and even fall apart over time. That’s only natural, and a function of organic evolution. But the inverse is also true: The dreams that are unhealthily implanted and reinforced can be much harder to release, even though (and perhaps especially because) they’re disconnected from and sometimes damaging to our true principles. Holding onto these types of dreams can have long-lasting, sometimes devastating effects: DeGeare says that many of her clients feel bad about certain childhood dreams they never achieved, like the married-with-kids-by-30 timeline, for instance, and experience depression, anxiety, or feelings of failure when they deviate from that goal. 

As a child in Dubai, Ferwa Chevel Khalfan pictured herself growing up and moving to New York to attend Parsons School of Design, marry the perfect guy at 24, have a posh penthouse like the ones she’d seen on Gossip Girl, and, ultimately, making Forbes’ “30 under 30” list. Now, at 28, she sees how these visions of success were too “materialistic.” 

“I had very rigid ideas about when I should get married and have kids and hit certain career milestones,” Chevel Khalfan says. She moved to New York in her early 20s, but soon after started to get down on herself. She was struggling in her relationship, she didn’t have the apartment, and time was ticking and she was nowhere near the Forbes list. “My life wasn’t following the timeline I’d set for myself, and I didn’t know how to deal with that,” she remembers. “I shut down and got depressed. I knew what I could do to help myself, but I was unmotivated to actually do it. I couldn’t afford therapy. I felt like I’d crashed and burned.” 

Eventually, Chevel Khalfan got the mental health help she needed, an experience that later inspired her to start a business that aimed to help kids work on resilience and mental wellbeing — but it took a lot of work. The thing that helped her the most was to focus on what she had achieved, rather than what she hadn’t. This let her detangle her core values (like a strong work ethic) from material achievements (a spot on the “30 under 30” list). Instead, she identified the ways in which she was fulfilling her values (such as starting her business and working to improve her relationship), which in turn helped loosen her grip on an old dream that was weighing her down. Now, Chevel Khalfan says, “Life doesn’t really happen the way you plan it, but is what happens as you’re planning.”

Children seem to intuitively understand what adults forget, which is that the content of their dreams matters only a little, but the act of thinking big allows us to understand what really matters to us. We can and should look behind the material face of our dreams and identify the things we consider precious — and those which we’ve been taught should be precious, but which might not actually matter much to us in the end.

Still, every now and then, some or all of a person’s pure, deeply desired childhood dream will come true. When it does, it doesn’t mean they’ve reached the mountain top of success, but it can be meaningful nonetheless. 

Petrullo, for instance, didn’t end up living in Disney World, but she did go on to work for Walt Disney Company — and in Cinderella’s Castle, no less. But her path to getting there was different from what she’d once pictured: The first time she applied for the job, she got rejected. Even so, she believes she ended up at her dream job at the right time, because that’s how she met her future husband. She says he’s better than any boyfriend she’d imagined “buying” when she was younger. He’s tall, he’s big-hearted, and, like her father, he always encourages her to think big and add avocado.

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I first started getting emails about “fighting the COVID-15,” or pandemic weight gain, more than a year ago, at the beginning of May 2020. God, how I hoped it would be a fleeting buzzword, but the “quarantine 15” content kept coming. Companies like Pepperidge Farm and Prego were seeing higher sales, and people were absolutely losing their shit about the consumption of so-called “unwholesome” processed foods. In my eyes, these messages were harmful — and there were bigger (Gold)fish to fry — particularly amid the first wave of a pandemic that would go on to infect millions and kill more than 583,000 people in the U.S. 

But the phrase took off and has even found a new life recently, as we come out of the pandemic. Weight loss companies have begun ramping up their promises to help you lose the quarantine 15 (a “play” on the toxic and problematic concept of the “freshman 15”). 

The messaging about end-of-pandemic weight loss isn’t just coming from ads, but also memes and mainstream media. Articles that shame folks for gaining weight over what was the worst and most stressful year of many people’s lives have been common lately. “While some spent the year of the pandemic creating healthy meals or riding their Pelotons for hours, many others managed their anxiety and boredom through less healthy means,” The New York Times wrote this week. “They spent the pandemic sitting on their couches, wearing baggy sweatsuits, drinking chardonnay and munching on Cheetos.” Not only did this create a binary where there needn’t be one (you can obviously enjoy Peloton and drinking wine and eating Cheetos; or you can do both at the same time! People contain multitudes, as folks on Twitter pointed out), it also perpetuated a culture that judges people, women specifically, for their weight and snack choices. (The journalist who wrote the article hasn’t responded to Refinery29’s request for comment.) 

why is the NYT so obsessed with shaming women who gained weight during the pandemic pic.twitter.com/paQAFfdVa3

— Emma Gray (@emmaladyrose) May 11, 2021

“My reaction to the COVID-15 is, ‘Oh, here we go again,’” says Joy Cox, PhD, a body acceptance advocate, program development analyst at Rutgers New Jersey Medical School, and co-founder of the fitness app Jabbie. “This is a new iteration of an old thing, which is rooted in unrealistic beauty standards and diet culture… Particularly among women, how you look makes a big difference, culturally, and it’s attached to your body. We value smaller, thinner bodies more, is what this is saying.”

“People have been navigating life as best they can, and it seems so unimportant to place the emphasis on weight gain during these unprecedented times,” says Chelsea M. Kronengold, MA, associate director of communications at the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA). In fact, doing so is harmful even in non-pandemic times, she adds. And the more we drill down on weight loss as we head into “hot vax summer,” the more our anxiety about reemerging post-vaccine may morph into body-related concerns. This may prompt people to try crash diets, and in some cases could lead to more disordered eating, which we already know thrives in isolation, Kronengold says. 

Kristin Kirkpatrick, MS, RD, a dietitian from Cleveland Clinic, isn’t necessarily against the phrase, though. She says some patients may feel reassured by the term. “They have had a ‘See, I’m not the only one who gained weight’ approach,” she says. But many of the other experts I spoke with stressed that the term’s capacity to cause harm surpasses any possible advantages.

The pandemic has accelerated fatphobia and fat-shaming, especially once reports began to draw links between weight and COVID-19 complications. Terms like “quarantine 15” are inherently shaming, and “you absolutely cannot shame anyone into losing weight… and weight isn’t necessarily an indicator of health anyway,” Kronengold says.

“I’m curious how experiencing weight stigma — which we know leads to healthcare avoidance, fewer preventative and diagnostic tests, poorer quality of healthcare, and weight-cycling history, which leads to a variety of adverse health outcomes — influences that perceived risk [of more severe COVID-19],” notes Kimmie Singh, MS, RD.

Experts also told me that the quarantine 15 rhetoric drives an unhelpful narrative about the body. “Not only is it fatphobic and implies that having a fat body is something to be actively avoided… but it also implies that trying to control your body size is a worthy goal, when, in reality, we know that focusing on weight loss tends to lead to weight regain and disordered eating,” Singh says. “We know diets fail, and when you put that much pressure to lose weight on a group of people after this trauma?” Her question is rhetorical, but her point is clear: It can lead to serious struggle. 

“There are biological, genetic, and environmental factors that are all at play that may influence someone to develop an eating disorder or to relapse, and some are more likely than other people [to develop disordered eating] when they come across this type of messaging and cultural pressure,” Kronengold adds. “For many people who have, are susceptible to, or are recovering from an eating disorder, they’re already having an internal dialogue with themselves about the fact that they need to lose weight, and all of these cultural pressures that we always hear but have been extra loud during this time, these external voices are confirming what the eating disorder is telling them, and it’s extra harmful.” 

All this comes at a time when eating disorder behaviors are already on the rise. NEDA’s helpline has seen a 54% increase in volume throughout the pandemic, Kronengold says. She expects that as more posts and news come out about losing weight gained in quarantine, more people will suffer. 

While we wish everyone would just let the idea of the quarantine 15 die out already, it may not. If you feel mentally capable of calling out messaging like this when you see it, it can be beneficial, but choose your battles and assess your bandwidth before you do, Dr. Cox says. And if it brings up difficult or triggering emotions, it’s important to protect yourself first. 

Dr. Cox recommends editing your social media feed to avoid messaging like this. “Be mindful of what you allow on your newsfeed,” she says. Facebook has a function that lets you “hide all ads” from specific advertisers, and Instagram lets you “hide” and report ads. If people you follow are posting about weight loss or constantly tossing up before and after photos, it’s okay to unfollow them, or at least hide their posts. 

She also recommends when you hear this messaging or begin feeling body-related anxiety, to “reframe your focus, and not home in on the idea of ‘image’ as ‘function.’ Remember that your body has brought you through this pandemic.” In other words: Try to focus on being grateful for what your body has done for you, and more broadly for the new experiences we’re able to have again. “I have a younger and older sister, we all live in different states,” Dr. Cox says. “After being separated for so long, the last thing I was concerned about was how wide my hips had become. I was just excited to see them. When you begin to focus on things that have a bit more substance and value, that’s helpful.” 

In the end, Dr. Cox says that during this time of transformation and change, it’s important to practice self-compassion, and remember that you’re a force for making it through the past year. “Whether you’ve gained or lost weight during COVID, you are enough the way that you are,” she says. “Our bodies, they make up just one piece of who we are as individuals. We bring so much to the table, whether that be our intelligence or capabilities. My hope is that people [won’t] limit themselves just based on their image, how they present in the world, or based on a standard that somebody else has set as to how you should show up in the world. We’re so much more than what we see in the mirror, and that’s something to reflect on as we’re transitioning back into our daily lives post-pandemic.” 

If you are struggling with an eating disorder and are in need of support, please call the National Eating Disorders Association Helpline at 1-800-931-2237. For a 24-hour crisis line, text “NEDA” to 741741. 

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My first New York City apartment was pretty dismal. My room could barely fit a full bed and a dresser, and the walls badly needed a fresh coat of paint. But what I remember most is that through those walls, which seemed to be made of construction paper, I frequently heard my neighbors going at it. 

The sound of their bed springs screaming — er eek er eek er eek! — was the soundtrack to my first year in the big city. Thankfully, I’ve since moved out. But with “the horniest summer of all time” on the horizon, I have a feeling that many of us are going to be hearing those same squeaks and moans all season long.

As I began to read more about how randy everyone would be in the coming months as more vaccine shots went into arms (“gotta get vaxxed to climax, gotta get pricked down to get dicked down,” one internet poet tweeted), I began to notice a narrative that annoyed me more than my former neighbors ever did. It wouldn’t just be the new summer of love (making), but a season of sexual transmitted infections (STIs), outlets such as Telegraph UK predicted. 

It wasn’t the predictions that bothered me — I’d talked to experts who agreed that a summer of increased sex could bring the potential for more STIs spreading. But the delivery got on my nerves. The “summer of STIs” was pitched as a sort of terrifying reality, one more thing to worry about after more than a year of staying inside to protect ourselves from COVID-19. And it felt shaming, too. After all, one in two sexually active people under 25 will contract an STI at some point, “ho girl summer” or not. Human papillomavirus will impact more than 80% of sexually active people in their lifetimes. 

It’s true that some STIs, such as gonorrhea and chlamydia — which, like the coronavirus, often spread asymptomatically — can negatively impact health, especially when left untreated. And, of course, education that encourages regular testing and safer sex practices is essential. But speaking about STIs in stigmatizing ways isn’t helping anyone, and in fact can keep people from getting tested or treated. 

So before you start freaking out about the so-called summer of STIs, check out what the experts are saying about what the next few months mean for our collective sexual health.

Will it really be the summer of STIs? 

Many experts agree that this will be the summer of sex. “I think there will be an uptick in sex because when you take away people’s autonomy and freedom and put restrictions on their behavior, they’re going to eventually go in the opposite direction,” says Emily Morse, PhD, host of the podcast Sex With Emily. “After being locked down and social distancing for over a year, people are going all out and saying free love, free sex.” 

But that doesn’t necessarily have to mean a summer of STIs, says Jill McDevitt, PhD, a sex educator and resident sexologist for CalExotics. Especially not if people implement safer sex practices. “Hopefully people can do it responsibly,” Dr. Morse agrees. “You can still be out there free-loving and make sure it’s not the summer of STIs. You prevent it.”

It’s worth noting that STI prevalence reached an all-time high in the U.S. for the sixth consecutive year in 2019, according to data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) released this month. Some experts have predicted these numbers will dip in 2020, since people weren’t dating or hooking up as much in quarantine. People may also have been avoiding non-essential doctors’ visits in the last year, and therefore were getting tested less often, Dr. Morse notes. But we don’t have the official CDC figures for 2020 yet. 

How to stay sexually safe this summer

First: COVID-19. Before sleeping with someone outside of your household, ensure both you and your partner are fully vaccinated, or have followed the guidelines for unvaccinated people before seeing each other. 

Then, before getting down to business, ask any potential sexual partners when they were last tested for STIs. This talk can be a little awkward, but it’s crucial. And luckily, we’ve all probably had some practice having tough conversations about testing and protection during the pandemic. “During the pandemic, we were forced to look at our health and be our own best advocates,” Dr. Morse explains. Now, we can bring this philosophy into our sex lives. 

The idea that the pandemic may change how we approach safer sex conversations isn’t without precedent. The HIV epidemic, for instance, changed how people in the LGBTQ+ community, especially gay and bisexual men, talked about testing and history. As Anu Hazra, the director of STI services at the Chicago Center for HIV Elimination, told BuzzFeed News: “I feel like a lot of cisgender, heterosexual folks were having discussions around status and protection and history, and asking these questions that I think a lot of queer folks have been comfortable asking for a long time around HIV and STIs.”

Dr. Morse suggests saying something like this: “Hey, this is a little awkward for me, but I’m trying to adopt a new protocol. I’ve been sexually healthy, I’ve recently been tested, and I’d be happy to show you those results. Can you share where you’re at with all this?” If your potential partner is not willing to share this information, you can choose not to have sex with them. “The more people have this conversation before sex, the more people will start to expect that this conversation is a requirement if you care about your sexual health,” she adds. 

If you have an STI, such as HPV or herpes simplex virus, the conversation will be a little different. “You can say, ‘Listen, I want you to know I have herpes.’ Tell them if you have outbreaks at certain times of year, or only once a year, or if you haven’t had an outbreak in a long time. Say something like, ‘I know when it’s going to happen and take a daily suppressant, which makes it less likely for me to spread this to you, I just want you to know that. Do you have any questions?’, Dr. Morse suggests. This can be nerve-wracking, because although HPV and herpes are common, they’re often misunderstood and stigmatized. “If someone has an STI that’s being treated, those people are often much safer to get in bed with than people who won’t even look at it or get tested,” Dr. Morse says. If someone’s a jerk about your disclosure, they’re probably uneducated on the topic — and, most likely, not worth your time. 

“STIs are more common than we think, but what isn’t common is the conversations about it that will help us normalize it,” Dr. Morse adds. There will be times when people won’t be able to see past this issue, and that may be disappointing. But even in those cases, you can know that you’ve done the right thing and have prioritized your and your potential partner’s health. Which is a win. 

Finally, regardless of how this conversation goes, it’s also a good idea to use condoms or dental dams with new partners (until you’ve had a conversation about how to safely fluid-bond), to wash your sex toys after every use, to visit the OB-GYN regularly, and to get tested for STIs at least once a year (now’s a good time!). As a longer-term strategy, you can also protect yourself by getting the HPV vaccine, which is now available to folks up to age 45 and protects against the most dangerous strains of HPV, which can lead to cervical cancer. 

What to know if you test positive for an STI

If you test positive for an STI this summer, you won’t be alone. All it means is that “you’re human,” says Emily L. Depasse, a sex educator based in Pennsylvania. “But there are a lot of resources out there. If you’re feeling any shame or stigma, it likely stems from a place of miseducation.” 

Be compassionate toward yourself, and take steps to re-learn facts about your own STI. Seek out fact-based resources. Depasse recommends the Something Positive for Positive People podcast-turned-nonprofit, the American Sexual Health Association (ASHA), and the Positive Results herpes support group. It’s also worth listening to sex and culture critic Ella Dawson’s TED Talk. Much of what we’re taught in media and in school (if we’re taught about STIs at all) sounds scary and can lead to unnecessary shame. “With learning, there’s often unlearning,” Depasse says. “You think it’ll never happen to you, and then when it does you’re like, ‘Oh crap.’ You go through an identity crisis, ‘Am I this person?’ But know it’s not a determinant of who you are. It’s biology. And it happens.” 

As we learned with COVID-19, shaming people does nothing to change behavior, and shaming someone for contracting an STI certainly doesn’t help anything either, Depasse says. If a recent sexual partner calls you and tells you to get tested, try to avoid pointing fingers. Get tested as soon as possible, and if you do test positive, follow your doctor’s treatment plan. 

Whether “ho girl summer” ends up being real or not, remember that your STI status doesn’t define you — and that the more on top of your sexual health you are, the safer and happier you’ll be. 

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For most of the pandemic, Frankie, a social worker living in Kentucky, took barely a single day off work. She had her usual weekends and national holidays, but she didn’t use any PTO until March 2021 — and that was only because she had to have her gallbladder removed. Instead, she threw herself into her work. 

About a month after the gallbladder surgery, however, she realized she was hitting a wall. “I was so stressed out by my medical bills from the surgery, and in my field we also deal with a lot of emotionally exhausting things,” Frankie tells Refinery29. “I just got to the point where I realized I really needed a day to myself.” That night, Frankie emailed her boss to say she was taking a mental health day and wouldn’t be coming in tomorrow. When she woke up, she called the hospital and asked about payment options for her bills. Once that stress was off her shoulders, she masked up and went to her favorite park. 

Taking PTO has been particularly fraught in the past year. “Especially earlier on in the pandemic, people were not taking [time off] because, for one, there was no place to go,” says Lisa Frydenlund, an HR Knowledge Advisor at the Society for Human Resource Management. “Staycations are good, but not as fun as vacations. Plus, taking time away may not have been a whole lot different from your regular life if you were working at home with four-legged creatures — I mean dogs! — or children or family members. It was still in the same space and you were not getting a moment to yourself.” 

But even pre-pandemic, WFH employees were likely to take fewer breaks and sick days than those who worked in offices, a 2014 Stanford University study found. This trend only worsened over the last year. Approximately 66% of employees working from home thought their employer would disapprove of them taking a sick day for anything other than COVID-19, a study of 2,000 people by OnePoll and ColdCalm found. 

WFHers often felt that with no risk of spreading a cold — or something worse — to other employees, no need to suffer through a commute, and much less pressure to look professional (no one can see your sweatpants on Zoom), they couldn’t justify taking a sick day. “There’s a different expectation because before, you couldn’t get up and go to the office if you were really sick, but at home you can tell yourself, ‘I can roll over to my chair and make it work,’” Frankie says. 

Fear may also explain why employees have been so reluctant to leave their (remote) desks. Unemployment rates soared to 14.7% amid the pandemic — a high reminiscent of the Depression era — compared to 3.5% in February 2020. This prompted some folks to overwork themselves, hoping to prove their worth to their employers. 

Of course, workers’ anxieties about taking time off aren’t always imagined. If you’re working in a toxic environment, you may not feel comfortable taking vacation or sick days, even if they’re available to you, says Denise M. Rousseau, PhD, a professor at Carnegie Mellon University, who has researched worker well-being. Many other Americans don’t have any PTO to take, especially folks who work for smaller employers, says Dr. Rousseau. The U.S. enforces no federal or state statutory minimum paid vacation, and only some states require paid sick leave. And many people aren’t able to choose where they work based solely, or even partially, on PTO policy.

It’s often the workers who need time off the most who don’t have it. “One factor in Hispanic and [Black] populations being more likely to contract COVID-19 is employment in occupations associated with public contact and that cannot be done remotely,” Texas Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee said during a discussion of the American Rescue Plan. “The sad fact is that most workers in these occupations are less able to be absent from their job or to have paid time off.” 

Megan Rice, PsyD, a Talkspace therapist, says that the onus to ensure workers have and take adequate time off should fall on employers. “Vacation and sick leave are good for the worker and employer,” Dr. Rousseau agrees. “They help people recover, especially if they have discretion over when they take the time… It’s just good work hygiene to insist people take time off.”

But Dr. Rousseau adds that it’s also up to employees to advocate for themselves if they need a break. Some people truly can’t take time off — but many others don’t take PTO often because they’re afraid of upsetting their bosses or coworkers. Sometimes that fear is based in reality, and other times it has more to do with self-inflicted pressure. It’s important to know the difference, and advocate for yourself when possible. “We get what we tolerate,” Dr. Rousseau says. “You don’t owe your employer your mental and physical health. These are resources only you can control.” She recommends that people who struggle with letting themselves take a break remind themselves that it’s not just normal to take time off and sick leave — it’s critical.

PTO really is that serious, especially this year. “We need more recognition of the need for recovery,” Dr. Rousseau says. “Current events and things going on in the workplace are driving employee depression and anxiety, and taking huge tolls, not only on the mental well-being and physical well-being of employees, but also on their performance on the job.” 

The lack of time off may have been less damaging had the pandemic not lasted so long. Early on, most people weren’t sure how long we’d been dealing with COVID-19 and the related restrictions, so they often planned to just wait it out — in another month, many of us kept telling ourselves, we’d be back to normal. “We were pushing through,” says Andrea Agalloco, MSW, LICSW, a social worker and mental wellness counselor at Liv by Advantia Health. 

But, although the vaccination roll-out is looking successful, a year-plus into the COVID-19 crisis, it’s now clear that a return to workplace normalcy is going to be a long, slow process, she says. And workers can no longer afford to wait to take time off. Forty-one percent of employees are feeling burned out from their work amid the pandemic, the Society for Human Resource Management’s COVID-19 research report found. People like Frankie are hitting their breaking points now. And though it seems like a small step, a mental health day can be hugely beneficial. 

Over time, a lack of breaks will begin to wear you down and disrupt your ability to function in all areas of your life — work and home. “If you’re starting to notice burn out and it’s harder to get up in the morning or harder to fall asleep at night because you’re overstimulated from your workday, you’re probably not operating in terms of your full potential,” says Agalloco. “When someone is able to take a break, oftentimes they can return to their work and feel more able to do it.”

A day off can also be the wake up call you need if you’re in a workplace with problems. It can give you the energy to get yourself out of a toxic situation, Dr. Rousseau says. “One of the features of PTO and recovery days is they get people out of the tunnel vision from day-to-day pressure so that they can put their head up, look around, and reassess,” she notes. “That reappraisal and looking around at the broader options, they’re important for the mental wellbeing and for [figuring out] the next steps you take.” 

“Increased irritability, an increased need to isolate, and a higher tendency to get lost in our own dysfunctional thoughts” are a few indicators that you may need a break, Rice says. So are “escape fantasies,” which is when you wake up in the morning and almost immediately begin plotting excuses to call in sick. If you’ve noticed these red flags — or if you are at all physically ill — it’s likely time to take a day off.

If you can’t take a full day because of childcare responsibilities or your employer’s policies, Agalloco stresses the importance of carving out space to decompress and focus on your own mental health needs. Try to find 30 minutes a few times a week to do something that you love — or to give yourself a chance to rest. “Listen to your body and your mind and give it what it needs during this time,” she says. 

A few hours or a day can be restorative, but it’s not a cure-all. “If you feel like you can’t unwind, even when engaging in hobbies or otherwise enjoyable activities, it means that it’s time to rethink your personal care plan,” Dr. Rice says. Seeking the guidance of a therapist can be helpful in reducing burnout; so can turning to less-formal social support systems, like family members or friends. 

But for many people, a mental health day (or even a half-day) is a great starting point on the road back from burnout. “Taking time away from work means leaning into disconnecting, relaxing, and being present,” Dr. Rice says. “We know that down time actually boosts productivity down the road and boosts our creativity in the moment. We would all be better people if we took time off from work.” 

This was the case for Frankie, who says she came back to work on April 7 after her mental health day feeling refreshed. “I needed the day to handle things with my medical bills, but also to just breathe,” she says. “I’ve been so stressed, and I’ve been crying my eyes out. I knew I needed to do something about that and take the time for myself ” 

At the park, Frankie and her boyfriend enjoyed the nice weather, held hands, and sat on their favorite bench, where they used to hang out and talk pre-COVID. “There was a nostalgia to it,” she says. “It was freeing.” 

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On April 27, The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced some news that will surely cause some to breathe (an unmasked) sigh of relief. Americans who are fully vaccinated against COVID-19 will no longer have to wear masks at small outdoor gatherings, the health agency said. Folks who aren’t fully vaccinated can go without face coverings in some situations as well, the CDC noted. 

The federal health agency didn’t, however, say that vaccinated people can shed their masks altogether just because they’re outdoors. In crowds or large-to-medium-sized gatherings with strangers, for example, everyone needs to keep their mask up. 

This is a major shift, as for most of the past year, the CDC has been asking Americans to wear masks outside, especially where social distancing is difficult.

This news comes as more than half of American adults have gotten at least one dose of a COVID-19 vaccine. President Joe Biden and other federal health officials indicated the success of the national vaccination campaign had to do with the changes in mask guidance, The New York Times reports. The more people are vaccinated, the more lives can return to a new, more optimistic normal, they noted. 

“It’s the return of freedom,” Mike Saag, MD, an infectious disease expert at the University of Alabama at Birmingham, told The Associated Press. “It’s the return of us being able to do normal activities again. We’re not there yet, but we’re on the exit ramp. And that’s a beautiful thing.” Although we’re not yet out of this pandemic — and variants and high levels of COVID-19 cases in some areas of the country are still worrying to health experts — Saag said that this guidance was reasonable and can serve as a kind of carrot-on-a-stick-reward for more people to be vaccinated. 

With the new guidelines, all people — whether they’re fully vaccinated or not — won’t have to wear masks outside if they’re walking, biking, or running alone or with members of their household. This may be in line with what many Americans have been doing already, but having the official go-ahead is still a relief.  I, for one, am psyched to not have to pull my mask up and down on my runs in Central Park (unless I run through a crowd for some reason). 

Everyone can also shed their mask during small outdoor gatherings with fully vaccinated people. So if you’re the only unvaccinated person at a small get-together of fully vaccinated friends, you can keep your mask off. 

Unvaccinated people (a group that includes anyone who isn’t two-weeks out from their final vaccine shot) do need to wear masks at outdoor gatherings where other unvaccinated people are present. They should also keep masking up when outdoor dining at a restaurant with people from outside your household. However, the fully vaccinated can do these things with a bare face. Ah, freedom. 

The caveats: Whether you’re vaccinated or not, you should wear a mask to concerts and outdoor spotting events, or anywhere with crowds. And this doesn’t exempt you from following previous guidelines for masking inside. Keep your mask on in public indoor spaces or when indoors with unvaccinated or high-risk people, and avoid crowded indoor spaces entirely. The CDC points out that we’re still learning how well the vaccines keep people from spreading disease (though the early research looks promising) and how long they’ll protect people, so showing a little caution is still essential. But, when it’s appropriate, enjoy the fresh air. 

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When Kelvin Bivins and Nicole* first met on a dating app in August 2020, neither of them thought it was a perfect match. Bivins, who goes by KB, introduced himself with a non-traditional line: “I’m just sitting here eating candy with my niece.” 

“I thought, That’s weird,” Nicole says now, laughing. “But let me just see where this goes. I asked him, ‘What kind of candy?’ It was something fruity.” Meanwhile, KB initially pegged Nicole as a “bad texter.” But once they met up they hit it off. On their first date, they ended up talking for hours. By the end of October, they were dating exclusively. Soon, they were spending weeks at a time at each others’ homes in Georgia. They’d make breakfast together (KB would whip up omelets and Nicole, admittedly less skilled in the kitchen, would cook oatmeal), work in nearby rooms, and then snuggle in to watch sitcoms or Marvel movies in the evenings. 

It was a classic pandemic romance, heavy on the nesting and short on in-public dates, meet-ups with each others’ friend groups, and time spent apart. And now, with more people getting vaccinated by the day and an end to the strictest COVID-19 restrictions in sight, both KB and Nicole are feeling excited — and nervous. 

“As we return to another state of normal, people are going to start realizing that they were in Covidships,” says KB, the host of the upcoming Dating, Explained podcast launching in May. “The glue of a Covidship is COVID — you were only in that situationship to survive the pandemic.” 

He doesn’t think that describes himself and Nicole, “because that’s not what brings us together: It’s the laughs and great conversations,” he tells Refinery29. “But I’m honestly not sure from her perspective, and when I brought it up, her tone and her whole body language changed.” 

“He asked me if we were in a COVID relationship, and I was honestly offended,” Nicole says with a laugh. “Like, how dare you ask me that? I don’t think so, but do you think we are?” Still, she admits she’s worried their lifestyles won’t align as well as they have in lockdown as things open up. 

“I don’t expect any post-vaccination break-ups,” KB told me. “But she’s one shot in too, so we’ll see what happens.” 

The Great Uncuffing 

Most of us have thought at least a little about what life will be like as more people get vaccinated and the world begins to return to some semblance of normalcy. Maybe you’re anticipating a sense of renewal, like after a heavy rain. Or a sparkling rainbow of sweaty bodies, debauchery, and breakout dance parties. But this next phase of the pandemic may also become “a season of breakups,” says Damona Hoffman, OkCupid Dating Expert and Host of The Dates & Mates Podcast. 

“Dating was operating on hyper-speed throughout the pandemic,” she notes. “Once people found a suitable partner, things moved very quickly as people preferred to bubble together for safety, rather than date around casually. Yet, in my 15 years of coaching singles, I’ve seen that when relationships move forward too quickly and skip building a foundation of slow love, they can often burn out fast.” She says state reopenings will only compound this sort of flame-out. “As things open up more, people are likely to be eager to get out, and some of these deep bonds that have been established while being isolated together are likely to be challenged,” she notes. 

For some quarantine couples, the Great Uncuffing is already underway. David Baratta broke up with James*, his across-the-street-neighbor whom he’d been seeing since before the pandemic, in mid-March, two days after getting his second shot of the Moderna vaccine. James had begun hinting at the two of them moving in together, but as soon as Baratta got his first shot, he started to rethink their relationship. Yes, they had fun. They were both into film, with James schooling Baratta on the appeal of dark movies like Midsommar and Baratta introducing James to the joys of “really delicious, mindless but well-crafted” flicks such as Love Actually. But it wasn’t enough for Baratta. 

“We never fought but we also never were so enamored,” he says. “We stuck together to have something at a time when there was nothing. And now that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, we don’t really need that.” After giving it some thought between his two shots, and getting over an initial pang of guilt, he was sure it was the best thing for both of them to end things. “I was starting to get resentful of having to be someone’s quarantine crutch  — I knew if he didn’t have me, he probably wouldn’t have ever eaten a vegetable for all of lockdown,” he says. “But this needed to be done.” 

Another reason he felt empowered to cut the cord: Baratta was ready to move on to the next chapter in his life after “a garbage year.” 

“It wasn’t just me breaking up with him, it was me breaking up with the past year,” he says. “2020 really sucked, and this is a new time period. I just moved to a different apartment, and I’m ready to meet a new, different person.” 

This isn’t uncommon, says Danielle Forshee, PsyD, LCSW, a psychologist and marriage therapist. She notes that many people will associate their quarantine hobbies and pod-mates with the COVID-19 pandemic. And, since it was a difficult time for so many people, that may not always feel like a good thing. So, subconsciously or not, many folks may try to rid themselves of these reminders. 

That’s not the case for everyone, though. Eve*, a New Yorker who’s considering breaking up with her pandemic partner, says that she likes that they remind her of this time in her life. “There were so many hardships this past year with the deaths and the Black Lives Matter movement,” Eve says. “But for me, this was a time of serious personal growth and development, and he helped me with that. This was not the worst year of my life, and I really credit him for that. He’ll remind me of pandemic times, but it’ll be a blessing because, without him, I would have felt much unhappier.” 

Her motivations for uncoupling are much more run-of-the-mill: She’s worried their lifestyles will be too different post-COVID. She likes to go out with friends multiple nights a week, while he’s more of a homebody. Eve has a suspicion they won’t be compatible in the long run, but she plans to wait it out, and see how the summer goes before pulling the trigger on a breakup. 

“There’s a part of me that thinks I might be settling for a partner who doesn’t want the same things,” Eve says. “But I love him and I don’t really know what to do about that.” 

Turn Up The Heat

Even pre-pandemic, early summer brought a spike in breakups, according to Facebook Data Science. Thanks to nice weather, people’s social lives are much more active. They want to go out and mingle and have new flirtations. They’re also busier, potentially making less time for snuggling their SO and more for showing off their sundresses to new hotties. 

Summer 2021 — which has already earned the moniker “ho girl summer” — just turns up the heat on all those factors. OkCupid predicts Sunday, July 4, will be the single biggest dating day of 2021, based on the progress of the vaccine roll out in the U.S., Hoffman told Refinery29 exclusively. “We predict there will be a sizable increase in conversations and matches on the app — and an overall surge in online activity that day before people move to dating offline,” Hoffman says. This is big news, because historically the first Sunday in January is the biggest dating day of the year. “While this winter was huge for online activity, people still had reservations about dating in person at that time,” Hoffman says. “Once people are vaccinated, they’re going to want to date IRL again.” 

Baratta agrees that it’ll be a wild summer. “I’m nervous about what the dating world is going to be like out there now,” he admits. “I feel like gay men are going to want to fuck everything and nobody’s going to want to date anybody in the city.” Still, he says he’s optimistic that some people will be looking for more serious matches, and Hoffman agrees. She says the pandemic has forced people to reevaluate their priorities.  In fact, people are 12 times more likely to be looking for that special someone after the pandemic, versus date around, according to OkCupid data.

How To Stay Cuffed

The end of the pandemic doesn’t have to be a death sentence for your relationship, but for newer couples especially, staying together will likely require some intention and honest communication. Talk about your lifestyle differences and any compromises you may have to start making, Dr. Forshee suggests. “The best advice I can give is to play it out and see if you guys grow together on the same track in the post-lockdown world,” she says. “If you notice over time that you’re not, then it’s time to reevaluate and talk about it.”

KB and Nicole plan to implement such a strategy, while remaining realistic. They have different values, Nicole says. KB likes to spend his leisure time playing video games and experimenting with technology, while Nicole loves to travel and have new experiences. Since I first spoke to them, they’ve talked about where their relationship is headed post-vaccine.

“We didn’t come to a real consensus other than that we’ll have to talk about things as they come up,” Nicole says. “Right now, I know what I need to know. And that’s that I like him — and it’s not just because of the pandemic.” 

*Names have been changed.

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