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When my grandfather passed away in 2009, I posted a status on MySpace that read, “rip grandfather <3”. Looking back, it seems cringey and performative — it’s not like he could see my status, and I wasn’t friends with anyone in my family on the platform (as a 13-year-old, I was too young to be on it anyway). But still, I felt compelled to publish that post. I wanted to not only feel like I was doing something tangible to recognize and acknowledge the death of someone I loved, but to invite others to grieve along with me, too.

We’ve come a long way since MySpace. Platforms like Facebook took off not long after top-eight lists ruled our lives. Instagram soon entered the picture along with Snapchat, LinkedIn, and most recently, TikTok, amplifying our reach and connections to others across the internet. And while social media is often seen as the highlight reel of our lives, there are instances in which people can get pretty deep and vulnerable with what they choose to share. As social media has evolved, so have our public displays of grief. From entire photo albums to heartfelt posts to carefully crafted video montages, our compulsion to share remains the same, but our feeds seem to play a role in shaping how we memorialize those we’ve lost.

Hayley Hendricks lost her father earlier this year. She posted the news to her Instagram and Facebook profiles, alerting her friends, family, and followers of his passing. As the months have gone on, Hendricks has continued to share photos and stories of her father whenever she feels low, or comes across something that makes her smile. “When my dad passed, I realized I had so many pictures and beautiful memories with him that I wanted to share,” Hendricks tells Refinery29. “It made me feel better posting pictures of us on vacation, videos of us dancing and laughing, and just showing people on social media how great our relationship was. I miss him all the time and when I share something on social media it makes me feel like I’m keeping his spirit alive.”

In many ways, Hendricks’ approach has become the norm. Plenty of people turn to social media while grieving to memorialize and remember what they loved about the person they lost, and to share the memories that they still hold onto. Far from being unusual, sharing in this way may actually be vital to the grieving process. “One of the things my favorite author and speaker, David Kessler, says is that grief needs to be witnessed to be healed,” says Liz Kelly, LCSW, therapist at Talkspace. “When we post on Instagram or Facebook about our loved ones who died, we’re allowing other people to be able to witness our grief.”

Kelly says this is why funerals and memorial services are so important; they help us process loss. But during the pandemic, not everyone was able to gather in this healing way. Hendricks’ father’s funeral, for instance, was a lot smaller than her family had anticipated because of COVID-19 precautions, something that she says “broke my heart.” “I wanted everyone to be able to say goodbye to my father, and they didn’t get the chance,” she says. “I needed more closure than I got.” For many, social media has become an increasingly important way to allow others to witness our grief.

Shannon O’Reilly’s brother, Thomas, passed away from addiction in 2019. Every so often, O’Reilly will post a memory or a photo of Thomas on Instagram. “With grief, I can be fine one day, but tomorrow I could be drowning. It’s this wave, where you’re out in the ocean and you’re just floating and trying to tread water and some days you can keep your head above and some days you can’t,” she says. “On the days I can’t, it helps me to find an old picture of him and put it on Instagram.” And sometimes, her brother’s friends will use the comments of the post to share their own funny or touching memories of Thomas. “I do enjoy the stories or somebody saying something about him, because it makes me realize that we all don’t just remember the bad times with him, that there actually were really good times. If I didn’t [share], I feel like I don’t know how else I’d keep his memory alive with other people not forgetting him, that he was here and that he mattered and that he wasn’t always like this.”

The grieving process doesn’t have a set end date, either, so social media can become a way to let your friends, family, and even coworkers know where you are in the process and how you’re doing, says Courtney Grady, whose father died in 2018. Grady started posting daily letters to her father on her Instagram page, where most of her colleagues followed her. “I could write how I was actually doing on my Instagram in a letter to my dad, and my coworkers could see that and could know,” she says. “It gave me that outlet in the morning so that I could have a little bit more strength to grin and bear the work day.”

But sometimes, the thought of exposing our grief and innermost thoughts to an audience can be intimidating. Before her husband, Mo, passed away due to a heart attack at the end of 2019, Dr. Alisha Reed had already built a substantial social media platform. After her loss, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to continue using social media at all. “At the time, I thought that I was going to be in a dark hole and crawl into a ball and just cry every day,” she says. But Reed did briefly share the news of Mo’s passing on her social media platforms, and in response, she received an immense amount of support from friends, family, and followers. “Everyone was so supportive and just reaching out and sharing memories and telling me to take my time and they would be here when I came back,” she says. “I decided to keep going and share my life as a widow and a single mom. And what I found was that a lot of people don’t share that part of their lives. They don’t talk about grief or loss, and it’s just blossomed into an even bigger platform because people were able to see how I was dealing.”

Reed touches on another benefit of using social media to share grief: Doing so can help others who have experienced a similar loss feel less alone. “Any time that a difficult issue, behavior, or experience is shared, it helps normalize that experience for other people who are going through it,” explains Pamela Rutledge, PhD, media psychologist and director of the Media Psychology Research Center.

By sharing on social media, Reed was able to connect with other widows. She started “Mo Mondays,” inspired by the trend Man Crush Mondays, to post her thoughts and feelings surrounding his death at the start of each week. “That kind of caught on to where people were looking forward to seeing the pictures of us and the memories,” Reed says. “I felt like it allowed other people to grieve too, people that may have been holding it in and not wanting to express it. That was a huge part of my healing for me, being able to share those experiences.” Although Reed no longer posts an Instagram every single Monday, she has created a growing Facebook group for young widows in her area and started a podcast where she discusses grief along with other widows. She describes the community that’s blossomed as comforting.

“We are just able to share our thoughts and emotions with each other because we understand each other,” she says. “We’re able to communicate with each other and share our events and anniversaries and milestones with each other.”

Grief is often isolating, — especially during the pandemic, when we’re already disconnected from our wider social circles. So being able to create or find a community that understands how you’re feeling or what you’re going through can be indescribably helpful. And for all its flaws, one huge benefit of social media is its ability to host communities.

After losing her best friend and her twin in a tragic car accident, Leah Vanderpool posted about it on TikTok. She took part in a trend in which users post video montages of their “soulmate.” “I wanted to show my twin sister, Lane, because she’s my soulmate,” Vanderpool tells Refinery29. “Then it blew up, and I didn’t realize how many twins also lost their twins.” Now, the original video she posted has over 4.6 million views. “It actually really helped, because a lot of twins recommended me to join some groups on Facebook for twin loss… I joined, and it’s just twins posting about their grief and their experiences and people commenting and being supportive,” she says. “I personally haven’t posted or anything, but I do go through and read everyone else’s.”

While sharing one’s grief on social platforms can be healing, being vulnerable about such personal and sensitive experiences online does come with some risks. “Brené Brown, another one of my favorite authors and speakers, said that we should only share our story with people who have earned the right to hear them,” Kelly says. “Something to remember when you’re posting online is that you’re actually sharing your story with everyone, you’re not just sharing your story with people who have earned the right to hear it.”

In other words, when you post online, you don’t have control over other people’s responses or reactions — and with platforms like TikTok, where content can go viral in an instant, you may be welcoming in some not-so-productive comments. “At first when I gained a lot of followers, I was kind of scared,” Vanderpool says. “It’s not that I get hate comments, it’s more insensitive comments, like people being nosy and wanting to know the full story about everything.”

That’s why it may be helpful to take a beat before posting about grief, or before checking the comments and reactions to any sensitive posts you have shared. You can also enlist a trusted friend to scan the comments or reactions on vulnerable posts for you, and to weed out anything that may be upsetting. But even when the reactions are all positive, it’s still smart to be prepared for any kinds of emotions that may come up for you after opening yourself up to a wider audience.

People grieved online before the pandemic began, and will continue to once it ends. But exactly how we use technology to process and share grief is sure to continue to change. “The platforms change, and then people change, and then the platforms change,” says Dr. Rutledge. “This is an evolving system. As people start sharing more personal experiences, it becomes a more normal thing.”

While Kelly says she loves “that social media is really shedding some light on what grief actually is,” ultimately, whether or how you choose to share your journey on a public or semi-public forum is up to you. Some may choose to grieve quietly, while others are more inclined to be open about their ongoing process. No matter what feels right, though, it’s nice to know that, in this way, social media is there for us if we need it.

Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?

Why Sharing Publicly About Grief Is So Important

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Elizabeth Gulino, Khareem Sudlow

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When we talk about sustainability in Hollywood fashion, we usually only focus on the red carpet. But there’s an overlooked piece of the industry that can be even more wasteful: costuming. According to Sinéad Kidao, who’s worked in the costume department of film projects like Small Axe and Little Women, the amount of energy that goes into outfitting actors on a single project can be massive. She told fashion sustainability agency Eco-Age that “on any given project [costume designers] buy or make more clothes than the average person will own in a lifetime,” a fact that was confirmed by the various industry professionals I interviewed for this story. 

If Hollywood produces over 700 films every year, and the average person will own more than 3600 clothing items in their lifetime, then the movie industry will send over 2.5 million garments into fashion limbo after production is wrapped. In an industry dominated by best practices, union regulations, and strict protocols, there is a surprising lack of universal standards around costuming to ensure that these sustainable practices are applied to every Hollywood production set. 

It’s important to note that movies backed by large production companies usually rely on costume warehouses that hold pieces from past sets that can be reused. Phoenix Mellow, a costume designer for projects like Sylvie’s Love and Black Panther, highlighted the sustainability opportunities within this resource: “[They’re] great because you can reuse pieces for different needs and anybody can go in there to get a great head-to-toe costume for any era,” she said. However, if the production is not backed by a large production company or is not set in L.A. or N.Y.C., it can be difficult to have access to these warehouses. Even when costume designers can pull from costume rental houses, sometimes the options can be limited which leads many to source clothing from vintage and contemporary stores, pull samples from brands or collaborate with them on designs, or create costumes from scratch.

For many productions set in the present-day, costume departments often rely on Amazon or fast fashion stores to outfit extras because the clothing is inexpensive and arrives quickly. According to Bobbi Sue Luther, a producer who has worked in Hollywood for 20 years, fast fashion is considered invaluable: “[It’s an] asset to a costume designer because of fast casting.” Extras sometimes go to costume fittings just a few days before production begins. Moreover, costume departments often buy in bulk because they may not know the exact sizing for characters on set. They return items that don’t fit, but it’s been reported that these items are sometimes never restocked, and are thrown away or burned instead. 

Mellow suggests that if more costume warehouses, which typically only carry older styles, held ‘90s to current clothing, fast fashion shopping would be reduced. “If you think about that, 30 years of clothes are sitting at the Goodwills and other places. I would love to see costume houses start collecting these brands from the ‘90s on for us to reuse,” she said. Beyond that, establishing costume warehouses in more cities like Atlanta, New Orleans, and Seattle would go a long way in offering local sustainable options for costume departments.

Once on set, cleaning garments can quickly add up. Due to union laws, clothing has to be cleaned at least weekly — sometimes more often. Earth Angel, a full-service green production partner that helps create eco-friendly sets, recommends using “Energy Star washing appliances and cold water” to reduce energy use. Some productions even carry washing logs to calculate their water consumption. The more special garments have to be dry-cleaned rather than washed, which releases harmful PCE solvents into the environment. Recommendations for alternatives include PERC-free dry cleaning and wet cleaning.  

Then comes the aftermath: Where do costumes go after production ends? Any of the custom pieces that big production companies own will end up going back to their costume houses so they can be checked out and borrowed again for other projects. Some clothing ends up in dead storage in case there is another season/another movie. Organizations such as Earth Angel work to donate the remaining items to local organizations and recycle any scraps. “We implement textile recycling programs for all the productions we work with. Always the first priority is donating any reusable clothing items, anything that can have a second life,” founder and CEO of Earth Angel Emellie O’Brien stated. 

In the absence of sustainability standards, companies like Earth Angel are working with productions to create greener sets on a case-by-case basis. O’Brien highlighted how sustainability efforts have to be just as easy and obtainable as other methods. “[Sustainable options] have to be part of the infrastructure. It has to be just as easy as picking up the phone and calling that one vendor that they used to call all of the time. And it will show up tomorrow. It’s got to be like that,” she said. 

For sustainability practices to be standard in the industry, there needs to be more oversight and requirements from top industry professionals. Luther proposed that a solution could come from local film commissions. “[If] I get a call on a Friday that somebody wants to hire me to do a job and it’s in the middle of the country in Oklahoma, I don’t know what’s there. I don’t know what kind of practices are there. If it starts from the local level with film commissions creating infrastructure for out of towners to know how they can participate and make their community greener, that would be an ideal solution for out of town productions to start at the local level.”

Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?

Sustainable Fashion Should Look Like My Basement

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Why Are Brands Claiming: “We Are Not Sustainable?”

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Reana Johnson, Khareem Sudlow

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Theresa Ukpo is a 34-year-old, living in Brooklyn. She works as an in home childcare provider. Earlier this month, she started coughing. Days later, she was lying in bed with a fever, sweating profusely, and unable to breathe. At her age and as a runner, she was surprised that her body was reacting this way. Read what she had to say about her symptoms, trying to tested for the Coronavirus, recovering and why y’all need to stay your asses in the house.

 

How long ago did you start noticing some type of symptom?

I want to say maybe around March 9. That first week in March, my boss had gone to Denmark and she was already feeling ill. So she took an international trip, came back. When she came back, I was at work that week and all of her symptoms, I suddenly had. So cough, cold, occasional chills. Just because of the nature of the job and being in such close proximity with parents and kids, I thought maybe I caught something from someone. Nope. This was definitely not the case because I have never had a cough or cold that has progressed in this way. Literally, made me feel like my entire body was deteriorating. I’ve never had a fever this bad in my life. I think the closest I’ve ever felt like this was maybe having malaria.

This is worse than malaria?

It’s close enough and especially when you add the breathing component to it. The shortness of breath is the thing that kills me. Just imagine not being able to draw a full breath.

So it started with a cough, how soon did you experience the next symptom?

It started off with a dry cough that was super frustrating. So no immediate shortness of breath. Then I started feeling feverish. So I was like, alright, I’ll take some Dayquil. Fever reducers are really terrible because they don’t help cure anything. They just stop the actual symptoms of what you’re feeling. As soon as the four hours go back, I’m right back to square one where I’m feeling feverish in broad daylight in 60 degree weather. It was ridiculous.

Then things came to a head like Saturday (March 14)/Sunday (March 15) where I was stuck in bed. My coughing was through the roof. Coughing physically hurt my body. And I just felt like I could not draw breath for anything. And you try not read these internet things where it says ‘Hold your breath for ten seconds and if you don’t cough, then you don’t have it.’

Girl, I barely made it to six. And I started freaking out. That weekend, on Sunday, I went outside. I think I went to the bodega and came back up. And I’m on a third floor walk up and it just felt like I was about to pass out by the time I got back into my apartment because I could not breathe. I could not catch my breath.

Definitely by Saturday when I could not breathe.

Did you try to get a test?

I tried to get a test. So, I went over to my local urgent care. My primary care physician is there as well. Which is very fucked up to be honest, because the very first question that they ask on the phone when I was trying to get an appointment was, ‘Are you trying to come in and get a COVID test?’ I was said no and they were like, ‘Alright, great.’ I asked, ‘What does that mean?’ And she said, ‘Because we don’t have the facilities and we don’t have enough tests available.”

So when I eventually set up the appointment, I asked the receptionist, “What if I did want to set up a test, what would be the protocol?’ She said, you would have to go to a different emergency room.

Because my appointment was set up for the next day, I did go through the process of trying to get a COVID test. And it was this entire run around between Urgent Care telling me to call CDC [Center for Disease Control]. CDC saying, ‘We don’t have any answers for you. Call DOH [Department of Health].” DOH saying, ‘Well, you’re S.O.L. (shit outta luck) right now so you might want to call your local emergency room if you’re really dying.”

Damn.

No one was trying to do anything.

Were you scared?

It was definitely very scary because I have no preexisting medical conditions. No respiratory issues so just feeling like I couldn’t breathe was my primary motivator to go to the doctor in the first place. And I was incredibly scared because you hear all these stories of the disease progressing and people having pneumonia and then you die. And you’re like, ‘Oh God, what if that happens to me.’ So that was one of the major motivating things as far as me going to the doctor and having them, at the very least do a chest scan and see what the heck was happening. So I was told that I had flu symptoms and it was post nasal drip. Alright, well…so what’s the protocol for that? Rest and hydrate.

Like, okay…that doesn’t really help me right now. But I can’t imagine being a medical professional at this time because there really aren’t any answers. There is no cure. So the basic protocol is stay away from people, hydrate and take care of yourself.

And they just don’t have what they need.

They don’t have what they need.

When you went to the doctor, were there a lot of other people there?

There were a lot of other people who had similar symptoms, none of them as visible as mine, which was super frustrating. Because you can see that I’m wheezing. I’m out of breath. I’m having these visceral symptoms. And you’re telling me that you can’t test me. And you’re telling me that I’m low risk for this because I didn’t travel internationally.

But you told them that you had been in contact with someone who had?

Exactly. So they diagnosed me with post nasal drip.

That’s crazy.

Y’all really weren’t serious. You just needed to put something on a chart so you could get me out. It felt like walking into an infirmary. And just the general air of uncertainty and fear. I’ve never felt that walking into a doctor’s office. Fear of the unknown. It feels like we’re fighting an unseen enemy, so to speak. It’s literally in the air. So the idea of me having this terrible cough and being asked to cough so someone can check my chest is just…oh goodness.

All I’ve been doing, really is old African homeopathic remedies: your garlic, your onion, making thyme tea, and literally resting. You have to let the disease take its course on your body. Which is really scary because you wake up in the middle of the night and you’re coughing. And you feel like you cannot breathe. So you cough and it knocks the wind out of you and you can’t take a full breath back. I know my mother is paranoid and just very afraid. She has called me every single day, just to be able to hear me breathe on the phone. And my sister, who has respiratory issues, she said that I sounded terrible.

At what point would you say you started to feel better?

Today is Sunday (March 22), I want to say Thursday, Friday. Wednesday was the worst night, I literally felt like I was circling the drain. My fever was through the roof. It was 104/105. I was just laying here in a pool of my own sweat just ready to go. But it broke and by Thursday morning, I didn’t have a fever and I wasn’t feeling feverish but I was achy just because my body had been in such disarray. By Friday, I felt that the cough had subsided a little bit, enough for me to breathe. Where I could take a deep, diaphragm breath and wouldn’t cough.

So from the March 9th to Wednesday, which was the 18th.

Umm hmm. Today’s the 22nd of March. I’ve been feeling terrible since the 9th of March.

Can you recall the first time you heard discussions about coronavirus? How seriously did you take it?

Initially, I didn’t take it as seriously, truly. Because we’ve been through multiple things. We went through SARS, we went through Ebola. Multiple things. So you’re not thinking it’s as close as what it is until there’s progressive shut down and you hear about the death tolls and you hear about the cases in New York City. And then I think I started physically freaking out when I had the dry cough. And you look through the symptom chart and I’m going through every single thing on that symptom chart. That’s when it became very real for me.

Do you have roommates?

Umm hmm.

How has that been working out?

So I live in a three bedroom. Everyone has been quarantined in their own room. So as for general public spaces, I have not been outside or socializing. As far as bathroom and kitchen use, it’s been a lot of bleaching and disinfecting after use. It just smells like bleach. But we’ve been able to manage distancing ourselves and not creating areas for infection or anything of that sort. So far, so good. It’s been fine.

So my appetite has been shot. I have not had much of an appetite. Thursday/Friday was the first time I was able to eat and hold something down. Prior to that, I was eating grapes and gelato. That was it. That was all I could physically manage to old down and not hurl back up.

So you did have an upset stomach?

Yes.

Interesting because people have been saying upset stomach is not a part of it.

I didn’t have a headache but I definitely had a fever. Feeling very feverish. The shortness of breath, dry cough and then just my appetite was completely gone. But not just I don’t feel like eating. I physically can’t hold down food. I was throwing up. And obviously if you’re coughing so violently, you’re throwing up as well.

How did this affect your work—because you were taking care of a child. How did that go?

I mean, I have to…It’s so weird because I feel like my employers are not taking this as seriously. It didn’t become serious until my fever spiked. The cough wasn’t terrible for them. I guess because the mom was already sick and she was already coughing. And she thought, well if I’m coughing and you’re coughing we probably have the same thing, not factoring in that it could actually be the coronavirus and not just a simple cold you brought back from Denmark.

Her symptoms didn’t progress like mine did. But she also had a longer period where she was home and not commuting back and forth and coming in contact with anybody else but her family.

It seems like they didn’t take this seriously up until the point where I said, I wasn’t able to move because I had such a terrible fever. So I was the one who nominated and said, ‘I can’t come into work. I need to stay home. I physically cannot even do this.’ But more than anything, I would be so disappointed in myself if I gave that little child anything.

Yes! And I’m surprised they weren’t thinking like that.

No because they need the help…but not really if you think about it because the mom is able to work from home and the dad doesn’t really do much of anything, in that he doesn’t have a day job. He’s perfectly capable of taking care of kiddo but he doesn’t do that. That’s a whole other story.

So they’re both at home?

Umm hmm.

And they still wanted you to come.

Oh absolutely. I’m supposed to have a check in conversation today to see how I’m feeling about coming in this week.

That’s so interesting that they would potentially risk exposing their child to that?

Just for having the convenience of having someone take care of your child. Especially now that we’re quarantined, what am I going to do? I’m not taking him to the playground. I’m not going to risk taking him outside until I know it’s actually safe.

How do you know when you’re no longer contagious?

Exactly. I don’t know that I’m no longer contagious. There are people out here who aren’t exhibiting symptoms who have been exposed to this. And I’m coughing and physically trying to recover from coughing. This could be laying dormant for who knows how long.

I’m really dreading the idea of getting up, getting on a train and potentially having to go to work and potentially feeling winded running after a 15-month old.

I think that’s the most ridiculous thing in the world. Again, we are fighting an unseen enemy in the air. It is viral. Obviously, you take as many precautions as possible to keep yourself safe but if you’re going to get it, you’re going to get it and you just have to get yourself through it.

I think what’s irresponsible is sitting out here going to hookah spots and day parties and just being in close proximity with people. And then spread it to someone who doesn’t have the constitution to deal with it. It’s really unnerving feeling this incapacitated. Just a cough is rendering me winded. Right now, I’m trying to get my lungs back to where everyday tasks don’t make me feel so out of breath, so winded. I went outside yesterday to go for a walk, get some air in these lungs. A noble effort but it was a lot. I’ve never felt like that.

This is not the type of winded you feel when you run and recover. This is physically my body is not able to do this right now. I think people just need to take this as serious as possible as far as keeping away from people. I know this is incredibly difficult. I know something that was super helpful was having a virtual happy hour with some friends. That definitely made me feel less alone. Because I know we crave human contact. Facetime your friends, do what you need to but by all means, stay inside.

What are some other things you did to feel connected to people?

I’ve just been on the phone as much as I can with people that I haven’t caught up with in a really long time. Video-chatting. Getting lost in the abyss that is YouTube. You plan dates with people and it doesn’t seem half as bad. I’ve been talking to my cousin in the UK and that’s been nice. So I get to hear what life is like across the pond.

What are you doing for lung recovery?

If you look up breathing exercises on YouTube, there are tutorials there on deep diaphragm breathing. The first couple of days, I felt like I had to have a stool in the shower, just to be able to sit and take a bath.

Is there anything else you want to add?

No, just stay your ass in the house. Stay your gotdamn ass in the house. I’m thankful I am here. It’s not worse. It’s not pneumonia. It hasn’t progressed and my lungs haven’t been eviscerated but I just know that it’s going to be an uphill climb just getting back to where my lungs are typically. I’m a runner. This makes no sense for my body.

I remember a point last week, I couldn’t even cry because I couldn’t take a full breath. So imagine being stuck in your body that is not working.

Well, they might cancel it…

Exactly. They canceled The United Half. So they will likely cancel this Brooklyn Half as well. Even if they didn’t, I cannot imagine running that with the way I’m feeling right now.

If you have the opportunity to quarantine and stay home, take it in stride because the less people that are outside, the less people are within 3-4 feet of each other, it makes a very big difference.

You know when you’re in the pit of your own despair, you start to think back to where this might have started, where exactly could I have gotten this? And honestly, it could have been anywhere. It could have anywhere from my house in Brooklyn and getting to Jersey.

Literally anywhere.

Breathing next to people on a crowded Subway train looks very, very different now in the age of Corona. Because all I’m seeing now is liquid spores in the air of this wonderful virus that keeps on giving.

 

Veronica Wells-Puoane is the creator of the website NoSugarNoCreamMag. She is the author of “Bettah Days” and You’ll Be All Write, a question and answer journal for Black women. She is also the culture editor at MadameNoire.com.

Find more of her articles by Veronica on Curlynikki.com, HERE!

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Jacqueline Samaroo, Khareem Sudlow

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Outfit Details:
Brock Collection Dress, Hunting Season Bag (old, similar here and here), Hermes Sandals (similar, less expensive here)

Black and white dresses are classic pieces that may or may not have already found their way into your closet. They certainly have in mine and have for many many years. What I love most about these long-standing favorites is how relaxed I feel when wearing one. There is something strangely soothing about an all white or all black dress that feels simple, solid and refined. And, of course, always elegant, even if I’m pairing it with a favorite sneaker, slip-on sandal, or walking around the house barefoot all day (which happens a lot lately!). Find an assortment of black and white dress styles below, perfect for upcoming events and outings, or just to lounge around in at home.

The post A Simple Black or White Dress appeared first on Julia Berolzheimer.

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annika, Khareem Sudlow

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So you think you're dating the perfect woman…

You immediately hit it off with her, she looks amazing, your friends love her…only something isn't quite right.

Arguments keep breaking out and tension is building up.

When things aren't going right, it's important to recognize red flags.

Identify them sooner rather than later and you can work to resolve issues or end the relationship before anyone gets hurt.

The problem is, some red flags are agonizingly subtle, particularly when you've only known a girl for a short period of time.

I've had my share of rocky relationships and wish I'd learned to recognize these months earlier than I did.

That's why I've plugged myself into the Reddit hivemind to save you the pain and share the most common red flags men have noticed, often too late to save themselves:

Click Here To Watch – 10 Red Flags In Women You Should NEVER Ignore

 

These first four points come as a package deal. They are the result of the 40 years experience John Gottman has as a recognized relationship expert and professor emeritus at the University of Washington. He says men should be on the lookout for criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Together, he calls them the four horsemen of an apocalyptic relationship.

Relationship Red Flags In Women #1 She Criticizes You

Now there's a big difference between complaining and criticizing:

Complaining is “I was concerned when you were running late and didn't call me.”

Criticizing is “You're not forgetful, you're selfish. You never think of me!”

See the difference?

Everyone lashes out and criticizes from time to time, we're only human. But, repeatedly using you as an emotional punching bag shouldn't be tolerated and can lead to the other three horsemen.

 

Relationship Red Flags In Women #2 She Treats You With Contempt

To treat someone with contempt means using mockery, sarcasm and disrespect. Essentially, it means your girlfriend is not taking discussions seriously.

What effect is this going to have on you? It will make you feel unloved and devalued. Nobody deserves this, so if this seems familiar you should try to work on this as a couple.

 

Relationship Red Flags In Women #3 She Gets Defensive

The third horseman of an apocalyptic relationship comes in the form of blaming other people for their own problems.

When someone makes a mistake, they can either say sorry and admit they made a mistake or defend themself. Defensiveness will only escalate the conflict though, it places the blame on someone else.

In life, but especially in a relationship, ‘sorry' is a golden word. If your girlfriend won't say it to you and own her mistakes (because nobody is flawless) then this is a sign you

(Pro tip: saying “I’m sorry you’re upset” doesn’t count!)

 

Relationship Red Flags In Women#4 She Stonewalls You

Stonewalling is an alternative route to contempt that people in a relationship sometimes take. Instead of your girlfriend not taking a conversation seriously, she refuses to engage.

John Gottman says refusing to talk, acting busy or otherwise evading and refusing to participate with you means your girlfriend is physiologically flooded and is not in a place where she can have a rational discussion.

If this sounds familiar, you need to take a break. For some people, it could be as little as 20 minutes just to calm down, for others it could be days or more in which case you might want to consider if you are committed to the relationship.

This next red flag I saw come up frequently on Reddit:

 

Relationship Red Flags In Women#5 She Has Different Cleaning Habits To You

This seems small, right? Moving into a place with your girlfriend can be a really exciting moment in a relationship.

Yet, it could lead to arguments, here's why:

Does your girlfriend like things tidier? She will always be upset with you for not cleaning up more often.

Does your girlfriend not tidy up after herself? She will become increasingly frustrated she can’t leave things where they are.

The frustration between the two of you will build over time and this is a deeply ingrained habit that is very hard to change. It's not impossible to overcome, but I strongly suggest you find out how tidy your girlfriend is before making any major decisions.

 

Relationship Red Flags In Women #6 She Has Poor Self-Esteem

This red flag might seem harsh, but it's the truth.

If your girlfriend cannot make themselves happy, they will drain all your willpower and mental energy trying to do it for them.

Everyone needs an emotional pick-me-up now and then. How is she going to do that for you though if you have to be constantly ready to support for her?

One of the hardest lessons in life I've had to learn is: You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.

 

Relationship Red Flags In Women #7 She Has Her Ex On Speed Dial

I'm going to come right out and say it, your girlfriend chatting to her ex on a regular basis if they broke up less than 6 months ago is a really bad sign.

Chatting to an ex from time to time is ok. In fact, I would even argue that a girl blocking every one of her exes is a red flag all of its own.

BUT, frequent contact with her immediate ex indicates the relationship is not fully over. You should prepare yourself for the fact there is a good chance you could end up becoming ‘the rebound boyfriend'.

 

Relationship Red Flags In Women #8 She Is A Drama Queen

Does this one sound familiar?

Somehow, nobody has it worse than your girlfriend. Everything is a soap opera and everyone has a vendetta against her – or so she says.

Engaging in oneupmanship is a contest with no winner.

As on Redditor put it:

“If you’re sick, she’s on her deathbed”

You won't feel emotionally supported which is incredibly important.

 

Relationship Red Flags In Women #9 She Does Not Read

If you're anything like me, you love to read. Maybe you attend courses at the local college or university to expand your horizons, maybe you're just a generally curious person. If your girlfriend isn't interested in reading and learning or even looks down on these things, that's a very bad sign.

As a quick litmus test, ask a girl on a first date if she is reading a book currently. If she hasn't read any book in the last year, you might want to enquire why that is. Life can be hectic, but a year is a long time…

Ultimately, you are the sum of the people you surround yourself with. How can you learn and grow as a person if your girlfriend or wife is not developing alongside you and not encouraging you?

Want to recommend a book to your girlfriend? Here are 25 books everyone should read.

 

Relationship Red Flags In Women #10 She Is On The Phone To You 24/7

I love when my wife messages me when she's out and about. It tells me she's thinking of me. There's a natural limit to this though.

Here's what one Redditor said about an ex though:

“When I told her we texted too much, she would text me saying there were things she wanted to text me about but didn't because she thought I would get mad at her for texting.”

If your girlfriend is messaging you every hour of the day and expecting you to respond every time, this is overstepping natural boundaries. It will get in the way of you doing focused, productive work and spending quality time with friends and family out of business hours.

 

Relationship Red Flags In Women #11 She Shares Other People's Secrets With You

Gossip is sometimes looked down on, but it has played an important function in society for thousands of years – after all, how would one man know another man is a good hunter without already going hunting with them? They would hear it on the grapevine.

Gossip is one thing but what you should never do is share another person's secrets. If your girlfriend is doing this, she is breaking a bond of trust with her friends by going behind their backs. This also means she is likely sharing your secrets too so be careful what you say.

Here's a tongue twister a Redditor said they heard as a kid:

What Susie says of Sally says more of Susie than of Sally

Think about it, what's worse? Someone doing something embarrassing or someone gleefully telling the world about it?

 

Relationship Red Flags In Women #12 She Plays Games With You

A girl who enjoys playing head games, testing you…

It doesn't matter if you're 18 or 88. However old you are, I promise you you're too old for her and her games. Enough said.

I'll let the Reddit hivemind sum up here:

We're not in high school, and you aren't on the Bachelorette. Be honest, sincere, and forthcoming, and we'll get along just fine. I'm in my mid-thirties, and thus am too old and rickety to jump through hoops.

 

Relationship Red Flags In Women #13 Using You To Cheat

They will tell you you're different to their exes and they would never do it to you. Reality check: you’re not ‘different to their exes’

The hard truth is, they will break up with you too when the next ‘Mr Right’ comes along.

 

It can be difficult to face objective facts when you're in a relationship. I hope these red flags help you recognize if you're in a difficult relationship or, if you don't see any of these, maybe just appreciate what you've got!

 

Resources

Lisita, Ellie. 2013. “The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling”. The Gottman Institute. Link

Reddit:

• Relationship Red Flags – what did you ignore and later regret? Link
• What are some subtle relationship red flags that are often overlooked? Link
• What are some major red flags you should never ignore? Link
• What is an immediate red flag about someone? Link

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