Source: bernardbodo/Depositphoto

Most of us look forward to the summer, time with family, vacations at the beach, road trips. Until the end of the first week and we lock horns with our children. The minor skirmishes of the school year turn into big battles as we spend more time together. Frustration turns to bitterness, and both parents and kids are hurt. It doesn’t have to be this way, of course. But stopping the war-cycle can be a challenge, even more so if you haven’t spent time recently cultivating a strong relationship with your children.

Research in the field of parent attachment, parent-child relationships, and family psychology has shown a significant positive correlation between secure and positive parental attachment (i.e., positive parent-child relationships) and positive child development. In a recent meta-analysis of attachment and child development from middle childhood through adolescence, findings indicated that secure parent attachments lead to increased child autonomy, increased use of positive behavioral strategies in the home and decreases in the use of harsh discipline strategies.³  Additional studies have connected poor parent-child relationships with increases in anxiety, depression, and even criminality in youth.²

Where can you begin? Focus on your relationships with your children. Start with a quick relationship inventory.¹ Take a few moments to evaluate all of the relationships in the household—define what is working in the relationships and what areas need improvement. Once that is complete, target a few specific areas in need of improvement and use the following tips to intentionally improve the relationships with your children.

5 Tips To Improve Your Relationships With Your Children:

1. Invest in quality time with your kids. Positive relationships don’t happen by accident—they take intentional time and action. Plan out quality time with your children. My mom did this one with me—as a single parent, she seldom had time to spend with me. But, once a month she took a day with me to do something special. We went hiking in the local mountains, build sand castles at the beach, etc. We were not fiscally secure, so we did things that didn’t cost much more than gas. These are some of the most cherished times in my life and things I reflect on often now that she has passed. Make dates with your kids. Honor the time and let them lead the activity when possible. This time isn’t about WHAT you do, but about being together, fully invested in the time with your children.
2. Turn off the tech. Nothing ruins quality time more than the distraction of the smartphone, tablet, video game, Vimeo, etc. Turn off the tech. Make that an expectation and be sure to live up to it. In our household, we like to watch movies together with our adult child a few times a month when everyone is around. Those movie times are tech-free zones. It’s one of our most cherished norms. And while it isn’t always easy (especially if we aren’t all into the movie), we value the time together over everything else. Plan tech-free times into the day. If you want more info on the effects of screen time, check out my article on developing screen time plans.
3. Play often. As adults, we often undervalue the impact of “play.” Taking the time to play with your children may feel like a luxury—something you only do if you “have time.” You may have such a packed schedule with sporting events, lessons, etc., that there doesn’t seem to be the capacity to “play.” If this is true, I encourage you to reevaluate. Play is an opportunity for a child to learn a variety of skills, including the ability to entertain oneself, self-soothing, creativity, and more. When the playtime includes you or peers, this time also becomes critical opportunities to develop social skills, including empathy and compassion, and build positive relationships. Play has been shown to reduce stress, increase resilience, and improve EQ.¹ Seems like a pretty vital thing to me! Schedule a little playtime with the kids. You will marvel at the positive impact in your family.
4. Spot their strengths and call it out. One of my favorite areas of study in the positive psychology movement is the area of character strength development. Learning our strengths, taking time to develop them and notice them in ourselves and others is linked to reductions in depression and anxiety.⁴ Taking the time to see when your children are demonstrating both character strengths and positive behaviors has a significant positive impact on their social-emotional development.⁵ Take the time to witness your children’s good behavior and call their attention to their strengths. This simple act will go a long way to improve your parent-child relationships and make everyone feel great! It will also make those moments when you do need to correct behavior more meaningful because you speak about both strengths and areas of growth.
5. Enjoy everyday moments fully. Through my book, The Caring Child: Raising Empathetic and Emotionally Intelligent Children,¹ I speak about the everyday moments we have to positively interact with our children in ways that will develop and build their emotional intelligence. This can not be stressed enough. It is vital that we maximize our time with our children, and view every moment as opportunities to build or tear down our relationships, enhance or decrease their emotional intelligence. These moments are transient. We can’t “wait” until a better time – there isn’t one. Take each moment to build a positive relationship. Take every opportunity to support your children in developing stronger social-emotional skills. Not only will your family benefit from the effort, so will the planet!

Relationships are the key to so many things, including our parenting. Take a moment to reflect and improve as needed your relationships today.

1. Fonseca, C. (2019). The Caring Child: Raising Empathetic and Emotionally Intelligent Children. Waco, TX: Prufrock Press.

2. Harold, G. T. & Leve, L. D. (2018). Parents and partners: how the parental relationship affects children’s psychological development. In A. Bolfour, M. Morgan, & C. Vincent (Eds) How Couple Relationships Shape Our World: Clinical Practice, Research and Policy Perspectives (pp 25-56). New York, NY: Routledge.

3. Koehn, A. J. & Kerns, K. A. (2018). Parent-child attachment: meta-analysis of associations with parenting behaviors in middle childhood and adolescence. Journal of Attachment & Human Development, 20, 378-405. doi: 10.1080/14616734.2017.1408131.

4. Niemiec R. M. (2013). VIA character strengths: Research and practice (The first 10 years). In H. Knoop & A. Delle Fave (Eds.), Well-being and cultures: Perspectives from positive psychology (Vol. 3, pp. 11–29). Dordrecht, Netherlands: Springer.

5. Park, J. L., Johnston, C., Colalillo, S., & Williamson, D. (2018). Parent’s attributions for negative and positive child behavior in relation to parenting and child problems. Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology, 47, 563-575. doi: 10.1080/15374416.2016.1144191.