DMT Beauty Transformation: 10 Things You Should Know to Keep Your Marriage Hot and Fiery
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10 Things You Should Know to Keep Your Marriage Hot and Fiery

July 20, 2019DMT.NEWS

#DMTBeautySpot #beauty



Sex Tips for Your Marriage

When it comes to marriage, the common dream is that you die peacefully in each other’s arms via spontaneous romantic heart failure at the ripe, old age of 100, having led a life together that was full, and warm and loving. 

In reality, things are usually much different, and one of the biggest things that guys seem to struggle with when it comes to marriage — if pop culture and Google searches are to be believed — is married sex. 

RELATED: The Top 10 Reasons to Get Married, Revealed

As the story goes, once you’re good and married, the sexual passion that once inflamed your relationship’s early days begins to dwindle (if it hasn’t already). Add things like bills, kids and career woes to the mix, and you have a decidedly non-sexy scenario lined up. 

This person probably sees you at your best and worst, day in and day out. You can’t pull tricks like you used to, tidying up for their arrival, and you can’t really pretend you’re someone you’re not after all these years. 

The beauty of love is that you know each other, but that’s still a daunting proposition when so much of sexual attraction and arousal seems to hinge on how sexy people are when we don’t fully know them, when they’re a blank slate we can project our fantasies onto. 

So how do you make married sex … well, sexy? How do you make it fun, spontaneous, naughty and exciting all in one? The truth is, there’s no single answer. Every couple is different, and different things will work for different couples. 

To help narrow it down, here are 10 generalized tips for amping up the sex in your marriage — both in terms of quality and in terms of quantity — to keep your life as a husband a happy one. 

1. Be a Better Husband Around the Home

What’d you expect, a suggestion to buy a sex toy? The real hack to having more sex is being someone your spouse wants to have sex with. That starts with showing them you care about the marriage by taking on your fair share of responsibilities. 

“When you help out around the house, especially without being asked — say, you can see the trash is full, or dishes in the sink — your wife understands you care about her and your home,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of “How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together.”  

“Letting her know you see what she does, and thanking her for doing the laundry or cooking a good meal, as well as doing it yourself, makes her feel connected to you; you’re partners. That brings her close to you.”

There’s nothing less sexy for many people than watching the person they married turn into someone who expects them to do everything around the home. Even if you’re the primary (or sole) breadwinner, putting in a concerted effort to pull your weight on the homefront can make a huge difference in how sexy you seem. 

After all, women find lots of non-sexual things sexy, and a guy who takes care of basic chores and responsibilities ranks high on the list.

2. Lower Your Spouse’s Stress Levels

One of the biggest drains on a couple’s sex life can be stress. Not only is stress a bad sign about how the rest of your life is going, simply being stressed can drastically lower someone’s sex drive. 

That’s because stress impacts your hormones — and can seriously inhibit the hormones that help regulate arousal. Meaning, any potential for getting turned on is already nipped in the bud when you’re super stressed out. 

Making stress reduction a priority in the marriage can not only help those feelings of arousal flow more freely, but your spouse will be more likely to appreciate your focus on helping them get unblocked. 

“A married guy helping to reduce his wife's (or spouse's) stress levels can have a big positive impact on their sex life, and enjoy secondary gains by deepening the established marital trust,” says Dr. Fran Walfish, a Beverly Hills-based couples, relationship and family psychologist and author of “The Self-Aware Parent.” 

“When your spouse feels safe, cared for, and  trusts you she opens her body and soul to you in deeper ways, including sexually. She wants to be closer and more intimate with you.” 

3. Talk About Sex Together

If you’re really unsatisfied with your sex life, at some point, you need to have a conversation about it. 

“As strange as it may feel and as difficult as it can be, the most important part of improving your sex life is to talk to your partner,” says Kayla Lords, sexpert for JackAndJillAdult.com. “That means sharing what’s good and what’s not working. It also means listening to your partner’s concerns, needs and desires. You both have to give up the belief that the other ‘should just know’ [...] what you want and need. They don’t know until you tell them — and sometimes you have to tell them multiple times and in multiple ways before they understand.”

You might cringe at the thought if you feel married sex should be organic and spontaneous, but if it’s already difficult, t’s not going to magically get easier. You solve this like you solve any other marital problem — by putting the work in … together. 

“You and your spouse may have to navigate whatever shame or stigma you’ve been taught about sex,” notes Lords. “For some people even talking about sex is shameful and that makes it even more difficult ... [but doing so] “allows you both to put away assumptions and deal with what’s actually going on.” 

4. Consider Talking About Sex With a Professional

The next step? Bring in a third party, whether that’s a therapist or counselor. 

“In almost every realm of your life [...], you likely turn to experts for guidance and support,” says Jess O’Reilly, host of the “@SexWithDrJess” podcast. “Sex and relationships, however, remains the exception. A sex therapist or marriage counsellor can offer a range of support and tools to improve relationship satisfaction and fulfillment. A professional may be able to help you to more clearly identify, understand and communicate your own needs, desires and boundaries.” 

RELATED: Here’s What You Need to Know About Couples Therapy

So if you’ve tried talking one-on-one and it hasn’t gotten you anywhere, it’s time to ask for help from someone who genuinely knows what they’re doing. Among many other things, they can also help you work through any shame or insecurity you have around sex.

But whatever you do, don’t let your spouse’s reluctance end the discussion.

“If your partner won’t go to therapy with you, go on your own,” adds O’Reilly. “Don’t use their unwillingness to attend as an excuse to avoid personal growth and accountability for yourself.”

5. Intentionally Schedule Quality Time in the Bedroom

Despite feeling that sex should be organic and spontaneous, sometimes, busy schedules take over. The reality is that sometimes, you just have to buckle down and put time aside in your calendar for sex. 

“We schedule everything in our lives, and just because something is scheduled doesn’t mean that parts of it can’t be spontaneous,” says O’Reilly. “Just as food doesn’t magically appear in your mouth (you have to plan to cook, order in or go out to eat), but you can still switch from Thai to Chinese at the last minute, so too can you balance planning and spontaneity in your sex life.”

That doesn’t mean you set an agenda with minute-by-minute plans for what you’re doing. Instead, it just means you recognize that without some concerted planning effort, it can be easy for sex to slip by the wayside when other, seemingly more pressing demands are piling up.

“You might take turns scheduling sex or plan to have sex on a specific day, but leave the specific window of time more flexible,” points out O’Reilly.

6. Make Your Spouse Feel Desired

One thing that might be holding your sex life back is if your spouse just isn’t feeling sexy anymore. Over the years, people’s bodies change, and feeling like you no longer meet the standards of beauty you used to can be a real blow to a person’s sexual self esteem. 

“Don’t get unrealistically focused on appearances,” cautions Tessina. “Focus on how you feel about your partner. [...] You can happily have sex with each other into your dotage if you learn to accept the changes that come with age. You may no longer be beautiful people, but you can have a lot more love, sex and fun [...] if you are comfortable with your inevitable changes.”

One way you can make your spouse feel sexy and special? Bring a little bit of romance back into your relationship.

“When you’re married and living together, it is too easy to let romance slide,” says Tessina. “For most of us, ‘romance’ is important to some degree in encouraging a sexual mood. The relaxed anticipation produced by the right music, soft lights and sweet words makes an ideal atmosphere for intimacy, which leads to verbal and physical affection. As well, simply making time to remind your partner that you find them attractive, arousing or sexy can go a long way towards helping them feel that way themselves.” 

7. Make Yourself Feel Desirable

Of course, it’s possible what’s holding your sex life back is your own feelings of not being sexy. 

“If you feel body shame and worry that your partner judges you during sex, it will cause performance anxiety and distract you from the moment,” says sex educator Kenneth Play “If you have body image issues, you'll be worried about positioning yourself in ways that are more attractive, or sucking in your belly or the light being too bright — which will all detract from your ability to actually focus on the sex.” 

Dealing with enough experiences like that would make anyone associate sex with frustration, embarrassment or awkwardness — and then start finding excuses to avoid it. 

If that’s the case, it might be time to start working on your own self-image. That might mean working out and getting back in shape, coming to terms with how you look and loving it regardless or a combination thereof. But being able to feel genuinely good about yourself can definitely have a big impact on your sex life.

“If you're more confident in yourself and have good self-esteem about your body image, you'll be able to focus on having sex with your [spouse], your mutual pleasure and connecting,” adds Play. “Also, confidence is just sexy.”

8. Engage in Lots of Foreplay

Lots of people think of sex as being primarily about penetration, but that’s an incomplete picture of what sex is (and can be). One of the best things you can do for your sex life, especially if your spouse is a woman, is to amp up the role that foreplay plays in the bedroom. 

“When you have a long-term relationship, responsive desire is the most reliable form of desire,” notes Play. “It's backwards to think that in long-term relationships if you look at your partner and don't get aroused, you must not want sex. But especially for heterosexual women, responsive desire, which is arousal via responding to stimuli, is much more reliable and how things often work.”

In short, it’s easier to get your partner interested if you start slow rather than expect them to already be ready for penetration.

“Foreplay helps kickstart responsive desire,” adds Play. “It's the equivalent of smelling fresh-baked cookies and then salivating for them. Foreplay wakes up a dormant desire in your partner. A good sex life in a marriage needs good foreplay and non-penetrative sex skills because they will ignite desire and deepen arousal,” suggesting a sensual massage to kick things off. 

9. Try Kinky New Things

While trying fresh things (like kink or BDSM play) can mean unlocking a world of sexual potential, the important thing is to build on what you already like.

“If you enjoy a little spanking during rough sex, then you might enjoy spankings in other ways,” says Lords. “As part of role play, with a toy like a paddle, or a spanking for no reason other than you both like it.”

Whatever you do, make it a journey where you explore together — don’t spring it on them.

“Find a time when you’re both calm, relatively relaxed and fully clothed,” she adds. “Ask to set a time to talk about it. [...] You don’t know how your partner will react to your kinky desire, but the answer will nearly always be ‘no’ if you ask at the wrong time.”

Similarly, it’s best not to go all in on a new fetish immediately.

“You shouldn’t jump into the deep end the first time,” cautions Lords. “Instead of trying anal sex when neither of you have ever had anything in your butt, start with a finger or a small butt plug. Whatever kinky thing you want to do, start slow and build your way up to the fantasy in your head.”

10. Change Your Expectations

At the end of the day, perhaps the biggest impact you can have on your sex life is to work on accepting it as it is, and resetting what you’re expecting out of it instead of struggling to change it to meet your expectations.

It’s normal for a couple’s sexual habits to change over the course of a marriage. Unfortunately, expecting things to stay the same over the course of years and decades just isn’t realistic. 

Sure, if you’re in a slump, there are lots of things you can do to make things more exciting or more romantic, but you’ll never be able to perfectly recreate the sex you had when you just met — and that’s normal! 

Recognizing what your marriage does bring to the table, and not frustrated by what it doesn’t,  means you’ll be able to appreciate what you have a lot more instead of trying to make it match up with an unrealistic standard. 

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Why Married Sex Is Actually Better How to Talk About Your Unsatisfying Sex Life How to Have Better, Hotter Sex Tonight

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via https://www.DMTBeautySpot.com

Alex Manley, Khareem Sudlow

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