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Everything You Need to Know About Blowjobs

Penetrative sex is defined by sensation.

No matter who's involved and which orifice is being penetrated, both partners are (at least in theory) experiencing pleasure with their erogenous zones stimulated. But oral sex switches up that dynamic by putting all the pleasure focus on one person in particular. It's not a give-and-take anymore — now it's a give-and-give. 

That can be a wonderful feeling (or it can be nerve-wracking) for the participants involved. At the core of blowjobs, many men’s favorite form of oral sex, is power, control and the concept of vulnerability. 

In order to properly appreciate blowjobs, it might be worth learning a little bit more about them. AskMen spoke to three different sexperts to get the low-down on going down, whether you’re giving or receiving. 

What Is a Blowjob?

In order to understand the appeal of blowjobs, it’s important to first define them. What is a blowjob, exactly? 

“A blowjob is the term most typically used for sucking dick (oral sex on a vulva doesn’t have quite as simple a name, and ‘blowjob’ isn’t used for this form of oral sex),” says Kayla Lords, sexpert for JackAndJillAdult.com. “The technical term for a blowjob is ‘fellatio.’”

So there you have it — a blowjob is someone using their mouth to kiss, lick and (especially) suck on another persons’ penis, but otherwise how it goes (how deep the penis goes into the mouth, whether the giver’s hands are involved in touching the penis and whether the testicles are sucked on or played with) are all up to you two to decide, and it’s a blowjob regardless of the answers to those questions. 

(That being said, despite the name, it doesn't actually involve "blowing on" the penis.) 

Why Do Guys Like Blowjobs?

While many people think the term “sex” only refers to penile penetration — i.e. a penis thrusting in and out of a vagina or anus — technically, blowjobs are oral sex, and thus a form of sex. 

From that perspective, it’s no secret as to why they feel good: They’re a form of touching a sensitive erogenous zone in a pleasurable way, using the mouth to create suction, friction and lubrication to stimulate the penis, that can often end in orgasm. 

“Why people like receiving blowjobs is pretty understandable: It feels good,” states Lords. “It’s often better than a hand. Depending on the technique the blowjob giver uses, the right suction can create a better squeeze than a vagina or anus might.” Done right, she says, “a blowjob feels like no other sex act.”

But beyond just how it feels physically, giving and receiving a blowjob can also feel sexy on a psychological level. 

Why Giving a Blowjob Is Sexy

Despite what you may think, if you’re into men, sucking dick can actually make you feel very in control.

“Giving a blowjob can be a powerful and pleasurable experience,” says Jessica O’Reilly, Ph.D., host of the “@SexWithDrJess” podcast. “Not only are you using one of your most intimate areas on your lover’s most sensitive regions, but many folks report that they experience the complex power play of both dominance and submission. You’ve got their most tender parts in your mouth in between your teeth, which gives you a sense of control. You can also tap into the excitement of subjugation, since you’re at their feet and at any point, they could thrust down your throat.”

This sense of vulnerability and control at the same time is why, according to O’Reilly, “blowjobs, like all sexual activities, require trust and ongoing communication.”

Sex educator Kenneth Play agrees that the vulnerability can be a big turn-on for those who enjoy being submissive, particularly if they like it when the receiver becomes more active than passive. 

Blowjob givers “could be really turned on by feeling that it's taboo or naughty, the feeling of surrendering to your mouth to being f*cked (think face-f*cking vs. a blowjob), or just the pure joy of giving pleasure to their partner,” he says. 

Why Receiving a Blowjob Is Sexy

If you’re used to being in charge during penetrative sex, a blowjob can be a great opportunity to experience pleasure for pleasure’s sake without any obligations to your partner.

“As for receiving, it can be really wonderful to be passive, receiving sensation, and being able to really focus on it without the distraction of moving yourself,” says Play. “It also can create a really amazing worship energy of being appreciated, embraced or even like a service act.”

Just like how giving a blowjob can be exciting where you’re making a partner feel special, receiving a blowjob can make you feel special. The other person is devoting time and energy to your sexual pleasure without necessarily receiving any in return. Though you can still touch their body in a sexual way while they go down on you, you’re still the focus, and being the focus can be a mentally thrilling feeling above and beyond the physical sensation for many guys. 

Is a Blowjob Better Than Penetrative Sex?

While it’s hard to judge which one is more pleasurable, to prefer one to the other doesn’t necessarily mean anything about the guy in question. 

“If you like blowjobs more than intercourse, it simply means that you like blowjobs more than intercourse,” says O’Reilly. “You like what you like and you don’t have to analyze your preferences. Having said that, some people prefer receiving blowjobs because it allows them to focus on their own pleasure without the pressure to perform.”

RELATED: Why Some Guys Struggle to Orgasm from Blowjobs

Beyond just personal preference, a person’s past experiences might shape how they feel about a given sex act, too.

“Many guys who’ve had really good blowjobs might be willing to skip penetration or a handjob for the right blowjob,” suggests Lords. “But guys who haven’t had a good one might not feel the same way.”

Blowjobs 101: How to Give and Receive

Dos and Don’ts for Blowjob Givers

1. Do: Go Easy on Yourself

“Don’t feel that you have to go all the way to the base on every stroke,” says O’Reilly. 

“Use your hands as an extension of your mouth. Warm them up (because your mouth is warmer than your skin), slather them in lube and attach them to your lips to create a tunnel. Breathe as you approach the head, so they anticipate your mouth and not your hands.”

2. Don’t: Use Your Teeth

“Don’t use your teeth unless you know he likes it,” cautions Lords, who notes that some guys do enjoy a blowjob with some teeth sensations. 

As it could be a painful and unpleasant experience for everyone if they aren’t a teeth fan, be sure to check how the blowjob receiver feels about the issue before experimenting.

3. Do: Use Your Hands

“Use both hands!” notes O’Reilly. “Interlace your fingers to increase the pressure along the base while you suck on the upper half.”

As well, you can “use your fingers to ‘cheat,’” she says. “Suck away, but allow your lips and jaw to relax — use your fingers to squeeze your lips tighter so that they do all the work even though your fingers are in contact with their penis.”

4. Don’t: Start Fast

“Start slowly to build anticipation and desire,” suggests O’Reilly. “You don’t have to go straight to your ‘money moves’ right away, especially because deep sucking and intense pressure can be physically exhausting.” 

Instead, she says to consider “increasing pressure over the course of several minutes, adding extra pressure (or suction) to the base or lower third [of the penis] — this area is sometimes referred to as the orgasmic platform.”

5. Do: Pay Attention to the Whole Penis

“Focus on the entire penis — the shaft, testicles, glans, frenulum — all of it,” says Lords. “If you can’t deep-throat, that’s OK, use your hands.”

Dos and Don’ts for the Blowjob Receiver

1. Don’t: Make Demands

For many guys, blowjobs fall below penetration on a hierarchy of most desirable sex acts. Because of that, there can be a certain negative attitudes towards blowjobs where they’re considered to be either a consolation prize, or some type of necessity. As you can probably imagine, that approach is likely to turn off potential blowjob givers. 

“Don’t automatically expect a blowjob,” says Lords.”Both partners have to consent, [and] don’t think that a blowjob doesn’t ‘count’ as sex. It does.”

2. Do: Ask for What You Like

That being said, that doesn’t mean you should just shut up and let the blowjob giver run the show. If there are things you specifically want or don’t want to happen, speak up about them! 

“I think it's really important for guys to work on how to communicate their desires,” says Play. “Know how you like your blowjobs, and how to give those tips to your partner. It's about feedback and calibration. Think of how much you love when your partner tells you what feels good for them, and now do that for you.”

3. Don’t: Be Rough

Mainstream porn might show blowjobs as intense, messy affairs that leave the givers choking, gasping, tearing up and covered in saliva, but that’s not a realistic expectation for a real-life blowjob. Unless they specifically tell you they want you to be more rough with them, treat your blowjob giver with respect.

“Don’t shove your partner’s head down to your crotch without making sure you have consent first,” notes Lords. As well, don’t attempt to thrust into their throat (“face-f*cking”) unless they explicitly ask you for it. 

4. Do: Respond Positively to What Feels Good

While the blowjob giver is working their magic, they may have no real idea whether you like what’s going on or not. What works best for everyone is slightly different, so it’s important to take an active role in letting them know how to blow you.

“Show appreciation and give feedback,” suggests O’Reilly. “Make noise. Breathe deeply. Give compliments as encouragement!” Even simple clues like this will help go a long way towards improving the experience for both of you. 

5. Don’t: Ejaculate Without Warning

Once someone’s given you a fair number of blowjobs, they’ll likely recognize the signal of an approaching orgasm. But for first-timers in particular, it’s a good idea to let the giver know as soon as you sense yourself approaching orgasm. 

“Warn a partner before you ejaculate into their mouth,” says Lords. Not only is this common courtesy that allows them to decide whether to take the ejaculate in their mouth or not, letting a partner know you’re about to cum can be really arousing for them. 

Blowjob Pro-Tips

1. Learn to Communicate

“Negotiate you and your partner's preferences for techniques,” says Play. If you’re the giver, he suggests asking questions like:

‘If it gets to be too much, what's a cue to tell me to slow down?’

‘Do you like your balls touched?’

‘Do you like more suction on the way up?’

For the receiver, he suggests questions like: 

‘Is dirty talk OK?’

‘Can you move your hand in a twisting motion while you suck?’

‘Can you use the flat of your tongue against the ridge of my penis?’

As Lords puts it: “Ask your partner what they like — and then do that.”

2. Clean Your Crotch Up

Would you put someone’s unwashed foot in your mouth? Unless you have a powerful foot fetish, probably not. Your crotch gets sweaty, particularly if there’s a lot of pubic hair, and over time, sweat beings to smell bad. 

RELATED: 5 Myths Guys Need to Unlearn About Sex

You might not realize that, but anyone giving you a blowjob will. They will greatly appreciate having a fresh and clean playing field to work with. Not every blowjob happens with enough advance warning to allow for a shower, but if you’re at home and not in a rush, consider showering up, or even just doing a quick cleanse of your pubic area, before the fellatio starts. 

2. Make Use of Sound

Though the blowjob giver has a penis in their mouth for much of the process, that doesn’t mean they can’t communicate. 

“Talk with your mouth full,” says O’Reilly. “Let them know that you’re enjoying it and allow yourself to be a little sloppy. Allow your sounds and sucks and slurping to emanate freely. Don’t worry about gagging (unless you dislike it). Many partners enjoy the natural sounds of gagging.”

4. Get Creative

The average blowjob giver might focus primarily on the shaft and the head, or glans of the penis, but if you want to really blow the receiver’s mind, there’s more you can do than just that. 

“Pay attention to the frenulum, suggests O’Reilly. “This small notch of connective tissue on the underside of the shaft just below the head attaches the foreskin to the penis. Roll your tongue around it or flick gently with every suck/stroke.”

She also notes that you can “pulse along the base right before and during orgasm. This can intensify and in some cases, even prolong the orgasmic contractions,” as well as “press your tongue along the underside to create extra suction and the feeling of your mouth enveloping the shaft as you suck.”

5. Try It Upside Down

Typically, a blowjob happens either standing or sitting (with the giver kneeling before the receiver), or lying down (with the giver straddling the receiver’s legs). However, if the giver is comfortable having less control and letting the receiver be the active partner, a new option opens up. 

“If you're both into throat-f*cking, one pro tip, position-wise, is that the giver lays flat on the bed with their head slightly over the side, creating a straighter line for the receiver’s penis to follow down their throat with their hands on the receiver’s butt, which helps them control depth and speed and communicate if they need a break.”

Blowjob Endings: Spitting vs. Swallowing

The climax of a blowjob is often, though not always, an orgasm that produces an ejaculation. 

If that happens with the receiver’s mouth around a penis at that moment, they’ll experience a squirt of semen into their mouth or throat. 

How much semen a given ejaculation produces will depend on a number of factors: how long it’s been since the receiver last orgasmed (more recently will mean less semen), how old the receiver is (semen production is thought to peak around age 30) and the receiver’s diet (various foods can increase your semen production). Typically, however, it will be roughly a teaspoon’s worth, or 5 ml. 

At that point, the blowjob giver can do one of two things with the semen in their mouth — spit or swallow.

RELATED: The Great Spitting vs. Swallowing Debate, Explained

“Spit or swallow has always been a big debate, with the common stereotype being that swallowing is somehow better,” says Lords. “[But] there is no single right answer. Some people will spit. Some will swallow. Some don’t want semen in their mouth at all — preferring their partner to finish by ejaculating on their skin, inside their body (vaginal or anal) or in a tissue (or somewhere other than their body). All of those desires are valid and should be respected.”

In order to navigate that conversation, Play says talking about it beforehand is a must, and respecting the blowjob giver’s desires is a necessary part of being a blowjob receiver. 

“Practice ejaculation etiquette!” he says. “Ask ahead of time about their preferences, be honest if you have preferences, and be precise. Use your words and ask.”

And if you’re the blowjob giver, you should feel free to do what you feel comfortable with. 

“Do as you please,” says O’Reilly. “And don’t feel pressured to do anything that doesn’t feel good for you.”

After all, you just gave your partner an incredible gift. You should get to decide whether to keep or throw out the wrapping. 

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Alex Manley, Khareem Sudlow