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Why Dry Humping Is Actually Incredibly Sexy

The Dating Nerd is a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we do know is that he is really, really good at dating. He’s been on more dates than you can shake a lengthy bar tab at, and he’s here to help the average guy step his dating game up a notch — or several.

The Question

Dear Dating Nerd,

I was on a date recently that was going great. We were laughing, flirting, she was subtly touching my arm here and there, and I could tell there was real chemistry. I walked her home, confident it was about to turn into a really hot hookup … until we kissed on her doorstep, and she told me if I was going to come up, I would have to promise that there wouldn’t be any sex. 

I was baffled. I asked if she was joking. She said she doesn’t do penetration on the first date, or really anything except kissing. I told her I wasn’t sure kissing would be enough for me. She said we could dry hump, and I said I’d rather go home and masturbate. The date ended there. 

I was caught by surprise — who wants to stop at kissing and petting on top of the clothes? The last time I dry humped, I was 15 and covered with acne. Is that a normal request? Did I screw everything up ... or was I right to bounce? 

- Jerked-Around Jeremy

The Answer 

Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy.

What a sad story. This woman gave you a great opportunity, basically handing it to you on a silver platter, and you slammed it in her face. 

Yes, that’s a normal request. Yes, you screwed everything up. You should have graciously said yes, I’d like to come up, and done everything but sex with her. You should have kissed her deeply, touched her with your hands and tantalized her with your clothed body.

That’s because — let me let you in on a little secret — dry humping is actually one of the best tools in a man’s sexual skillset. 

First off, I know you’re disagreeing with me. “No way,” you’re saying. “Dry humping is boring. Dry humping is something only virgins do when they’re too nervous to take their clothes off in front of each other. Dry humping is for those afraid to take the plunge of full-on penetration.” 

Well, to put it bluntly: You’re wrong, you’re wrong and you’re wrong. 

Allow me to explain. 

Most men these days conflate sex with action. They think sex is the process of something happening, like an extremity filling a cavity, or a protrusion entering into an orifice. And sure, if you want to be technical, that can be sex. 

But sex isn’t what your bodies are doing. In reality, it’s what your brains are doing. It’s a mood more than it’s an action. Sure, you can be deep inside someone’s body, or vice versa, but what are you thinking about? And what are they thinking about? If a f*ck happens in the forest, but nobody involved gives a damn, was it really sex? 

Certainly nobody would be making any sounds.

Still not following? Let me tell you a story. On a nice second date a few years back, I kissed my date for the first time in front of a fountain in a park. And yes, it may surprise you to hear this, but the Dating Nerd sometimes skips the first date kiss if he’s not sure the mood is there.

Anyway, her apartment was a few minutes away. She invited me up, but with a caveat: no sex. The clothes would stay on, and she was clear on that point. 

Now, lots of guys would balk at this, as you did, or they would agree to it, but mentally plan to do their best to change their date’s mind (which is the game-plan of creeps, leches and rapists). But when she made her request, I said yes — and I meant it. No nudity, no penetration, no oral, no handjobs or fingering, no sex. 

But no mood? Far from it. We spent about two hours in her bed kissing each other, rubbing our bodies against each other, touching, groping and stroking each other with our clothes on the whole time. Yes, we were dry humping. Every few minutes we’d break and look at each other, our eyes full of passion, and then go back to dry humping. 

By the time I left, we’d established a few things. First, we had sexual chemistry in spades. Second, there was definitely going to be a third date. And third, you don’t need penetration to have an incredibly hot bedroom session. 

All that dry humping was just buildup. It was foreplay, it was prologue and it was the hottest first time hookup I’d ever had, though it wasn’t the first date and it wasn’t, strictly speaking, a hookup, either. If we’d torn each other’s clothes off after half an hour and had traditional penetrative sex for the remainder of the evening, it wouldn’t have been remotely as memorable, hot or as exciting. 

Sex is action, but delayed gratification is a big part of it. Who enjoys a night of good sex more, the guy who’s on a different Tinder date every night or the guy who, if he’s lucky, goes on one per financial quarter? 

The same principle applies in the heat of the moment. What’s the better orgasm, the one that takes 45 seconds or the one that takes 45 minutes? That’s why edging is such a great sex technique — delayed gratification means buildup. Buildup means tension. Tension means mood. Mood means good sex. 

Next time you have a chance at a first date hookup? Don’t try to rush into it. Say you want to take things slow. Make your date wait for it, rather than the other way around. Opt for a little dry humping, and see if it doesn’t turn out to be the best non-sexual sex decision you’ve ever made. 

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The Dating Nerd, Khareem Sudlow