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How Emotionally Intelligent Men Deal With Difficult People

No matter how much you work on your mindset or how well you avoid workplace quarrels, we’re all faced with difficult people in our daily lives – but those people and their issues don’t have to bring you down, especially if you know how to handle the situation.

The most essential part of dealing with difficult people – and the part most of us struggle with – is remaining calm and respectful during the interaction and not allowing them to bring you down to their level.

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Speaking to them in a respectful and calm manner, whilst asserting boundaries and reframing the situation to see how you can be effective rather than be “right” or “logical,” is a great starting off point. This can help disarm their frustration and let them know that they are being heard and acknowledged – but there are plenty of ways emotionally intelligent men effectively deal with difficult people.

We spoke to a marriage therapist, a psychologist, and a college professor to get their insights on how to effectively handle difficult situations at home and in the workplace. Here, their best advice for dealing with difficult people in your day-to-day:

Try to Agree With Them (Even If You Disagree)

You know those people in your life that just have to be right, all of the time – even when it doesn’t matter or is totally trivial. They share something, then you add your input, yet it’s considered wrong. This is a tough thing to deal with on a daily basis – especially if this person’s going to be around for awhile.

Consider the following: you have a friend who complains to you every single day about how crappy the weather is. I mean they totally let you have it, and if you dare to say anything different you’re wrong. It’s a frustrating scenario. However, the entirety of your day doesn’t have to go to ruins anymore, just try agreeing.

Jacob Kountz, Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, suggests trying something different. The next time they complain about the weather, say something along the lines of “Yeah, you’re totally right, the weather has been crazy lately.” Chances are your conversation will be short and sweet because they have no one available anymore to combat with. You might say this isn’t as authentic as you’d like to be, but choosing your battles wisely could determine the rest of your day. So, why not take a chance, agree with the difficult individual, and move on to a better day without conflict.

Share Your Dilemma

“If the first technique doesn’t sit well with you, then you’re likely to be inclined to practice this one,” says Kountz. “As a therapist, I sit down with many who want to be there as well as those who don’t. Some therapists may say that these are considered difficult clients to work with. Whenever my gut tells me that I’m stuck due to an obstacle, such as someone not wanting to talk that day, I simply share my dilemma.”

According to Kountz, this would look something like, “Hey, can we pause for a moment? I’ve got to share something with you. As we’re talking I’m noticing that I’m getting stuck, like I’ve hit some obstacle that we can’t get past, and it’s hard for me to move forward because I’m getting the vibe that you might not want to be here today with me. Tell me your thoughts.”

“Verbiage like so can be helpful while dealing with someone who is giving you a difficult time,” he explains. “The goal is to pause them to get their full attention, share what your mind has been telling you, and lastly, check to see what their thoughts are about what you’ve just shared.”

Practice Assertiveness

“Assertiveness is one of those powerful communication tools that can be easily misconstrued as being mean, controlling or an attempt to dominate a conversation,” says Kountz. “This is far from the truth. If you are dealing with someone who is giving you a pretty hard time, assertiveness can be a helpful way to get exactly what you need, and on your own terms.”

Sometimes, assertiveness is a good way of letting others know your boundaries, and not to cross them – especially if it involves trying to pull you into a spiral of negativity. “Let’s say you know someone who, whenever you run into them, they attempt to immerse themselves into your life without warrant. This can be very invasive of your privacy, yet sometimes it can feel like a major obligation to disclose information – most of the time just to give them what they want so they can leave,” says Kountz. “But, in order to ameliorate this, it’s going to take some good ol’ honesty. This will require you to look directly in their eyes, face them, clear your throat and simply tell them, ‘No, there’s nothing I’d like to share.’”

They may ask why, and you can again practice assertiveness and not give a reason, depending on your level of comfort. Or, be more honest and share that you’d like to keep the information to yourself and are not comfortable sharing details with this person. The number one thing to think about is to not say “sorry”, as tempting as that may be. You should not be sorry for setting a boundary with a person who never respected boundaries in the first place.

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Ask Questions That Seek Clarification Rather Than Argument

“Difficult people tend to be poor listeners and do not have a whole lot of empathy,” says Danni Zhang, a psychologist and owner of New Vision Psychology. “They may prefer to demand rather than negotiate, and can often appear to be passive-aggressive in their communication. As such, questions that seek clarification (more details, further information) can resolve any miscommunication and prevent spiraling into a personal confrontation.”

Zhang suggests speaking to them in a respectful and calm manner, avoiding trying to control or demand compliance, and listening to what the person is saying (or in many situations, not saying) and clarifying with them what they want. This can disarm their frustration and let them know that they are being heard and acknowledged.

Don’t Fight With Them

It can be tempting to spar, and make your point, but according to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, licensed clinical psychologist and professor of psychology, it's a waste of time, delays what you need to get done and, most importantly, it exhausts you, which over time can take a toll on you.

“Keep your interactions limited to what is essential,” says Dr. Durvasula. “Otherwise, you will find yourself into the same toxic conversational loops, which often consist of gaslighting, insults, criticism, deflection of blame, etc.”

Don't Personalize What They Say

It is easy to take what they’re saying personally, especially if what they are doing or saying is making your life difficult, but it is often not personal, it's who they are. “Keep your eyes focused on your prize, your true north, what matters to you and you often need to view them as a workaround. If you waste time personalizing it, you waste time having unnecessary conversations,” says Dr. Durvasula.

Lots of people can lose a lot of themselves to these relationships – and often maintain false hopes of change. Set healthy boundaries and let those boundaries be informed by the fact that this person will not change and what they’re doing reflects only on them.

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Kaitlyn McInnis, Khareem Sudlow