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Male Sexual Consent: Why Men Can Be Raped & How to Know If Its Happened to You

When it comes to violations of sexual consent, men are typically seen as the perpetrators. 

They’re the ones drugging drinks at the bar, copping a feel on a bus and grabbing children in the park. Men are the ones saying increasingly inappropriate things, giving increasingly inappropriate looks at work, in the taxi and in the elevator. 

Wherever and however it’s happening, in our imaginations, the perpetrator is almost exclusively a man. 

RELATED: Here’s What You Should Know About Sexual Consent

However true that perception may be — and numbers suggest that nearly four out of five perpetrators of sexual violence are men — it doesn’t account for another important fact: In many cases, and regardless of the gender of the perpetrator, the victims of rape, sexual abuse, sexual assault are male. Toddlers. Boys. Teens. Adult men. 

On top of male victims not receiving much airplay, the people at the center of these incidents are poorly served when it comes to understanding what has happened to them (and what to do about it). Because boys learn early on that they need to be strong in order to be “real” men, acknowledging the horrible things that have been done to them can feel incredibly difficult, if not impossible. 

But while sexual trauma is a horrific thing to experience, it’s not something that needs to define you. 

AskMen spoke with several therapists, psychologist and experts in sexual trauma, as well as a man who was sexually assaulted as a boy, in order to give guys a better framework of how violations of sexual consent can affect them as survivors.

What Do Male Rape, Sexual Assault and Abuse Mean?

“When I was 6 years old, I was at a friend's house,” *Curtis said over the phone.

“There was an older boy there. At some point, we all got separated from playing, and he pinned me down. He beat me and pretty aggressively molested me. It was unambiguous sexual abuse. It happened two more times that I can remember over the course of that one summer. I only really recently came to terms with that. It was 28 years ago. I only spoke up about it recently.”

We reached out to Curtis after seeing a now-deleted note on Twitter about something that had happened to him as a kid. For many men, that’s where sexual trauma begins — as children. 

In Curtis’s case, it was repeated physical molestation paired with physical abuse, but sexual trauma can take many forms. 

A violation of your sexual consent is “any type of sexual behavior that is done against someone’s will,” says Dr. Janet Brito, a sex therapist based in Hawaii. “This may include being touched in a sexual manner, having one’s genitals touched, rubbed, caressed, being penetrated, being made to penetrate, forced to perform or receive oral sex, etc.”

In sum, she says, it’s “when you are forced, coerced or unable to consent enthusiastically.” 

Rape

Different forms of those violations are typically described in distinct ways. From a criminal perspective, the most serious one is generally understood to be rape.

“Rape, a legal term, generally refers to forced penetration (no consent is present or one is coerced) from a penis into a vagina,” says Jor-El Caraballo, a relationship therapist and co-creator of Viva Wellness. “It is only recently that the federal definition of rape has changed to include a victim of any gender and penetration by any object by a perpetrator.”

Assault

However, even if you weren’t forcibly penetrated, what happened to you could still qualify as sexual assault. 

“Sexual assault occurs when consent is not present and can happen by brute force (which is more rare), intoxication (from drugs, medications or alcohol), psychological coercion or manipulation, or due to age differences (statutory rape laws differ by state),” notes Caraballo. “While we don't often think about men being the victims of sexual assaults, the reality is that men are sexually assaulted or raped at a rate of one in six men,” he adds, citing a figure that’s well-known in the sexual psychology community but perhaps shocking to those outside it. 

Harassment

Even if no physical contact has occurred, you can still be the victim of sexual harassment if someone else uses sexual words, threats or gestures that make you feel uncomfortable despite repeated attempts at making them stop. 

It might not feel like it, but sexual consent violations are a fact of life for many men — whether it’s penetrating them anally in a hazing ritual, thwacking your scrotum on them in a so-called “teabagging” in a dorm room or using sexual language towards them in an attempt to rattle them during a backyard basketball game.

How Being Assaulted, Raped or Abused Can Make You Feel

Knowing that sexual consent violations can take all kinds of forms, the real metric for what constitutes it is how it makes you feel. That can also take on many different forms, but the constant will be that it’ll make you feel negative, intense emotions. 

For instance, the abuse Curtis suffered at the hands of the older boy when he was 6 had an immediate and powerful impact on him. 

“It does a couple things. It teaches you to lie and it teaches you to hide things,” he says. “You're scared that people will think it was your fault. Then you're embarrassed — you feel like less of a man. You feel like your masculinity is diminished. You don't necessarily understand it in those terms, but you feel weak and less-than. You hate yourself and you pray that no one will ever find out because you're afraid that if they do, they'll think you're a piece of garbage.”

Not everyone will experience that exact sensation, but it is a common one for men and boys who’ve been abused or assaulted. 

“In my experience, most people who have experienced sexual assault (or rape) experience a mixed bag of feelings,” says Caraballo. A lot of survivors experience a range of emotions, including shame, fear, panic, anger, irritability, nonchalance, etc. The emotional (both internal and external) responses of survivors are varied and tend to also change over time. For anyone who has experienced this, try to be patient with yourself, especially if you experience dramatic shifts in your thought process or feelings after the fact. This is normal and a licensed therapist can help you sort through the experience and heal with non-judgmental support and tools for recovery.”

In fact, Curtis did seek out therapy as an adult, but after becoming so good at hiding what had happened to him as a child, he also hid the full truth in his sessions. 

“I had been in therapy for years, on antidepressants, drinking a lot, doing whatever I could to numb the pain,” he says. “You bullsh*t a therapist for an hour and you're like, ‘OK, I feel a bit better.’ Underneath it all, you feel like you're disgusting. You feel like a net negative for the world. You being alive feels like a problem for so many people. You might not be thinking that in so many words, but you're always feeling it.”

Until he was able to open up about the pain this experience had been causing him for almost his entire life, that feeling self-hatred was a constant for Curtis, and some version of that is common for many men who’ve been abused or assaulted. 

Until then, he says he’s “never felt whole, never felt safe,” but that he “channeled some of that into [his] work, trying to help people, buying my soul back or trying to redeem myself constantly.”

A few moments of pain and fear as a young boy changed the course of his life forever. 

Sexual Assault and Sexual Arousal

One myth that’s important to debunk around how sexual assault makes people feel is the idea that it’s atotally separate concept from consensual sexual touching. 

The roots of this notion are present in the idea that most rapes are perpetrated by strangers (most sexual assault victims knew their assailant beforehand), and the idea that someone must have deserved, earned or wanted their assault (a practice known as victim-blaming that’s particularly prevalent in conversations around female victims). 

When it comes to male victims, however, the conversation tends to go in a different direction. Particularly if it’s a woman violating a man’s consent, the situation is often reframed as perfectly normal consensual sex. It’s not uncommon for people to read stories of boys being victims of statutory rape by older women, coming to the conclusion that the boy is a “real man” now, having loved the experience. 

The truth? Even if you experience physical sexual arousal in the moment or afterward, that’s not a sign that you fully consented. 

Consent is something that can only be given by someone who’s legally old enough to have sex, who’s of sound mind enough to agree to it, isn’t being coerced, threatened or misled, and who is genuinely enthusiastic about what’s happening. However, it’s possible to exhibit signs of sexual arousal even if not all of the above are true. 

"An erection is a biological response that may occur with or without sexual or psychological stimulation,” says Brito. “Some men may feel sexually aroused but may not have an erection, while others may have an erection without feelings of sexual excitement. This is called arousal non-concordance.”

Basically, if you’re scared, confused, uncertain or you don’t know how you feel, your penis being erect is not proof of consent, either for you or anyone else. 

Under some emotional states, Brito also notes that “some men may show physical arousal (get an erection, orgasm, and ejaculate), but it may not mean they want to engage in sexual activity. The presence of an erection does not mean consent. Consent to engage in any sort of sexual activity or bodily touch involves: 

a verbal ‘Yes,’  a ‘Yes, I want to do what you are asking me to do,’  ‘Yes, I want to do ________________.’ 

Physical arousal needs to correlate with emotional arousal to constitute consent."

RELATED: How to Talk About Consent in Bed

Let’s say it again: Having an erection, whether a full or partial one, doesn’t mean you consented. 

And if you didn’t consent but still became aroused when thinking about it, had a sexual dream about it or masturbated watching porn that reminded you of it in some way, that’s also not a sign that you consented. Sexual assault is merely a deeply complex issue that’s never going to be straightforward. 

How Common Is It for Males to Be Victims of Sexual Assault?

As many as 1 in 6 men may be victims of some kind of sexual assault or abuse, but it’s hard to pinpoint an exact statistic. 

“Sexual violence impacts people of all genders,” agrees Sarah Beaulieu, author of “Breaking the Silence Habit: A Practical Guide to Uncomfortable Conversations in the #MeToo Workplace.” “When men experience sexual violence, they are less likely to disclose their experiences given the society shame and stigma. Furthermore, men who experience sexual abuse or assault are far more likely to face serious mental health challenges in their lifetimes, including depression, addiction and suicide.”

RELATED: Misconceptions About Mental Health Many Guys Have

Why So Few Men Admit to Being Survivors or Victims

Men being so reluctant to speak about their experiences raises the question: Why? 

For Curtis, a big part of it was grappling with a sense of the ways victimhood — especially in the context of sexual violence at the hands of another boy — didn’t line up with the things he’d been taught about masculinity. 

In order to cope, he “created a second version” of himself that was “very strong and loud and masculine.”

“I would do dangerous things,” he said. “I was constantly in this struggle to prove that I was a man. I developed an unhealthy relationship with lying. I would lie about anything — if it was unpleasant, I wanted to suppress it.”

As he grew older, that reckless persona he’d developed to mask his pain began to intersect with substance abuse in negative ways. 

“In college I was drinking a lot, and when I drank I would drink way to excess,” said Curtis. “I numbed it with achievements and attention from women and men, and by being this perfect person. I presented this image where I was handsome and charming and everyone liked me, and it was exhausting.”

That deeply draining quest to fill the hole created by his childhood trauma is all too common for males who’ve been sexually assaulted or abused. 

Men are especially reluctant to tell others about their experiences “due to society’s view on what it means to be a man,” explains Brito.

That can manifest itself in a lot of different specific fears, but some common ones include: 

Not Wanting to Be Seen as Weak

In the case of older male victims, asking why they didn’t fight the perpetrator off is an all-too common, victim-blaming response that ignores the immense shock and fear that can overwhelm people in the moment they’re being assaulted. 

“For men, there is this belief that our physical strength or ability to control a situation prevents us from being assaulted or raped,” says Caraballo. “These are fallacies of being able to control the experience and given the statistics, many men are assaulted and often feel internalized shame for not being ‘man enough’ to prevent it.”

Not Wanting to Be Seen as Gay

“When a man is assaulted by another man, it can led to internal questioning of one's sexual orientation or fear of a projection from others that the victim is gay (and somehow wanted it, because ‘men never turn down sex’),” says Caraballo.

That aspect resonated with what Curtis said about his own assault. In years afterward, the homophobia that his peers expressed made the fact that his violator was another boy an extra damning fact in his mind at the time. 

“When I started to learn about homosexuality, I wondered if [the assault] meant I was gay,” he said. “It confused me about my sexuality. This [was] the ‘90s — people being called homophobic slurs was just how little boys communicated. For a while, I was scared that maybe I was gay, because being gay is associated with so many negative things in pop culture.”

Not Wanting to Be Disbelieved

Another reason some men don’t come forward is the possibility that others will try to deny that the horrible experience even happened to begin with (or didn’t happen how they remembered).

“Ultimately, the reluctance of men to tell their stories boils down to not thinking they are going to be believed, or thinking that reporting their abuse will lead to emasculation and ostracizing from their peers,” notes Caraballo. 

Not Knowing What to Do Afterwards

It can be daunting to tell others about an assault simply because you’re not sure where things will go from there. Keeping things a secret is a way of retaining control over your life, preventing change in new and scary ways as a result of what happened to you. 

Curtis, for one, was afraid that opening up about it would make his friends and family feel guilty for not having prevented it.

“I was scared that the people I knew would think they were responsible somehow,” he said. 

All those fears Curtis experienced meant that, on top of not telling any parents, friends or his therapist, he also hid the fact of his abuse from his then-significant other for over a decade. 

“For 13 years, I had a really supportive partner who I never had the courage to tell,” he said. “I know rationally that it wouldn’t have changed how she saw me, but I still couldn’t bring myself to tell her. And I regret that immensely.”

The overall uncertainty about what the world looks like after opening up about your abuse is a terrifying one that keeps many men silent for far too long — but that doesn’t need to be the case. 

What Should You Do If This Has Happened to You?

For Curtis, even as the years passed, keeping his abuse a secret was the only option. The way the incidents made him feel — like he was a bad person who could never be whole — was getting in the way of being happy and enjoying life. 

“Rationally, I know that it wasn't my fault. But we're not rational people. In my bones I felt like it was a reflection of my worth,” he said. “I was on a trip with some friends and I hated myself the whole time. I was having fun, but I was constantly worrying ‘these people are going to realize that I'm awful and they'll leave me and I will deserve it.’”

Not long after he had those dark thoughts on the trip, he began to go over the assaults he experienced as a child. That led to bouts of severe suicidal ideation. 

“I kind of broke down, and I started to engage in really self-destructive behavior,” he said. “I came really close to killing myself. Really wanting to die, having a plan and getting ready to execute that plan. My girlfriend at the time helped me check into the hospital and essentially saved my life.”

Curtis’ story is all too common for many men — not knowing how to approach the trauma when it happens, instead trying to hide it. That pattern of hiding becomes so ingrained, they don’t feel like telling those around them or seeking help is even an option. As a result, self-harm can begin to feel like the only option left.

There’s No One Right Response

It’s important to recognize that even though it may not be the healthiest approach in the long term, remaining silent about what happened to you is an understandable and normal response to sexual trauma. 

“There's no right way to respond to having your consent violated,” explains Beaulieu. “You may feel sad, ashamed, angry or overwhelmed. You may feel absolutely nothing at all. You may want to forget about it or talk about it. You may want to spend time in the gym or numb yourself out with drugs or alcohol. You may have positive feelings for the person who violated you.”

Believe Your Own Story

According to Caraballo, the most important thing you can do in this kind of situation is recognize that a violation of your consent did happen — it was real and deeply hurtful, but it wasn’t your fault. 

“It takes hard work to get through self-shame and that's often helpful to work through with a professional, like a therapist,” he says. “It all starts with allowing yourself to not feel responsible for what's happened to you. No one deserves sexual assault. No one asks for this. The only people who can truly prevent rape and sexual assault are the perpetrators themselves. These acts are a willful choice by perpetrators to enact their desires, and power and control over someone else irrespective of the other person's feelings or potential consequences.”

Consider Telling Someone

“Seek support from individuals or organizations that are trained to manage male rape,” says Brito.

Beyond that, she notes, make sure you’re not feeling pressured to respond in a way that doesn’t feel right for you. 

“Pace yourself, set your own rhythm and when you are ready, decide what course of action you want to take ( file a police report, seek legal action, get a therapist, talk to a friend),” adds Brito. “Most of all, don’t feel pressured by someone else’s agenda. You get to decide what is best for you.”

For Curtis, opening up to his then-girlfriend about the dark place his trauma had led him to was only the beginning. 

“My work was great with it,” he says. “I was so scared of telling my boss, but I have so much support at work. Colleagues, bosses, management, they've been great about it.”

He also started seeing a therapist he did tell about the abuse, and the impact it had on his personality. “I did a bunch of therapy and I'm starting to come to terms with the sh*tty things I did,” he said. “I'm not saying any of that trauma excuses what I did and what I became, but it definitely gives context to a lot of the toxic masculinity and a lot of the lying and unhealthy behavior.”

Opening up has helped Curtis feel like he has a new lease on life. 

“In the last month, I feel like I'm on a new path, a good path,” he confidently said. “I have people in my life who love me. I know I'm not the worst things that I've done, and I'm not the worst things that were done to me. There are some days when I'm very happy with who I am. I have tons of regrets, but I also have a lot of love in my life and a really nice family. I know that I bring joy into their lives and they bring joy into mine. I know that the empathy that I have for them when they make mistakes is the same as the empathy they have for me when I make mistakes. I know that I'm working towards being the kind of man I want to be.”

Now, he realizes that the trauma of what was done to him doesn’t need to define him. 

“It doesn't make me any less of a man and it doesn't make me any less of a person. But it takes a long time to be able to say that,” he acknowledged. “It's not straightforward, it's not a straight line. You have moments of weakness. Or you relapse.” 

But, he notes, “for the first time in my entire life, I feel OK with myself.” 

If you’ve been abused, assaulted or raped, you don’t need to keep it a secret. It’s not your fault, you’re not alone, and there are resources out there designed to help you. If you’re in a difficult place and considering self-harm, please reach out. 1in6.org has one-on-one chat and group chat options for survivors of sexual harm. If you’d prefer to talk over the phone, you can call 1 800 656-HOPE (4673). 

*Name changed for privacy reasons

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