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Recipe for Growth: Foods that Greatly Boost Hair Growth

by Jane Okoji

Boost Hair Growth With a Healthy Diet

Here’s a fun fact for you. Did you know you could have a million-and-one hair-mazing products and STILL have issues with your hair health and boosting hair growth?

The road to your healthy hair journey isn’t complete if you haven’t gone through at least one or all of these three stages:

• The product junkie stage
• The obsessive length-check stage, and
• The DIY stage

In the DIY and product junkie stages, the Internet is your best friend, and you’re prepared to try out almost ANYTHING on your hair that promises to get you waist length hair overnight, even, you guessed it, food.

Now, don’t come for us. You can decide to stuff your hair with fruit juices, honey, and other foods to improve your hair’s health, which is great.

But the real question is: What are you “stuffing” YOUR body system with?

Most people, especially naturals, believe all they need to do to grow healthy hair is to topically apply products, foods, and everything “nice”.

As for their bodies, they could care less. The oily fries, greasy hamburgers, and steamy pizzas will do.  Does this sound like you?

If it does, you have a lot of changes to make — diet-wise. Your hair needs external (from topical application of products, DIY masks, etc.) and internal (from your diet) nourishment to grow strong and healthy.

Are you looking to finally get intentional with your diet and discover what foods make hair grow faster? In this article, we discuss essential foods that boost hair growth and improve your hair’s health. Read on to know more!

Recipe for Growth: Foods that Boost Hair Growth

1. Fatty Fish

Fatty fish, like mackerel, herring, and salmon are excellent sources of omega-3 fatty acids, selenium, vitamins for hair growth (vitamins D3 and B), and other nutrients that help boost healthy hair growth!

In fact, fatty fish is one of the major foods for hair thickness. So if you’d like to step up your hair game, aim to eat fatty fish around 1-2 times weekly.

We understand that a lot of people are not cut out for this fishy business. If you’re one of them, read on to find a more compatible food for hair growth!

2. Eggs

When you think about eggs, what’s the first thing that comes to your mind? — Proteins! Eggs are the right foods for hair thickness. They are rich sources of biotin and protein: two major nutrients for hair growth.

Adding proteins to your diet will only promote hair growth because proteins are the main components of your hair follicles. And if you’re biotin deficient, research shows that you can boost your hair growth by consuming more biotin.

Eggs are the best of both worlds — you can source both nutrients (biotin and protein) from them. So if you prefer your eggs either boiled, poached, in some sauce, etc., try your best to enjoy a wholesome egg meal (at most 3 whole eggs per day) as much as you can!

Avocados

Just take a look at this picture. Would you like to have a bite or go for the whole plate? It’s the whole plate for us!
Avocados do more than just sit pretty on a plate and taste oh so good. They can also help grow and thicken your hair and improve its health.

These yummy fruits are super sources of healthy fats and vitamin E, the perfect formula for hair growth.

If you already haven’t, why not give avocados a try? They’re both great internal and topical ways to give your hair just the boost it needs!

Vitamin D

According to research, vitamin D deficiency can lead to hair loss. You can source this vitamin from fish liver oils, animal fats, eggs, fatty fish, and foods fortified with vitamin D.

What’s more, your body also synthesizes (makes) this vitamin when you get exposed to the sun’s ultraviolet rays. We understand you’d want nothing to do with sun damage, so you can stick to your sunscreen and source your vitamin D from your diet and supplements.

Vitamin D doesn’t only help recreate new hair follicles, but also keeps your skin healthy and bones strong. So it’s a win-win for your hair and entire body!

Our Final Thoughts
To get all the necessary nutrients to boost your hair growth and avoid being nutrient deficient, make that healthy switch in your diet today!

Every day, aim to eat a well-balanced diet and drink plenty of water (8 glasses per day) to help transport all the essential nutrients to their target organs and regions around your body!

Now you’re equipped with the essential ingredients to nurse your hair, you can get to nourishing your hair back to good health and length!

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7 (PLUS 1) Great Sulfate-Free Shampoos for Your Naturally Curly Hair

by Jacqueline Samarroo

There are plenty of ways to care for your curls, coils, and kinks to keep them looking luscious, strong, and healthy. One thing that’s often recommended is to use sulfate-free shampoos as part of your natural hair care routine. And, it’s pretty good advice!

Why go sulfate-free?

When it comes to natural hair care products, curly girls often see “sulfate” as a really bad word. The thing with sulfates is that they are good at deep cleaning but they strip hair of its natural oils. The effect is even worse on curly hair.

Black hair comes in a wide variety of gorgeous textures. Thanks to the shape of its follicles and how its keratin proteins bond, however, it is naturally drier and more fragile than straight hair. It needs those natural oils to keep it hydrated, moisturized, and strong.

Good choices of sulfate-free shampoo for curly haircare will have hydrating and moisturizing ingredients to deliver water into cells and help lock in that moisture. Look for ones with butters (such as cocoa butter and mango butter); natural oils (such as coconut oil and avocado oil); and glycerin (sometimes called glycerol).

Top 7 Picks: Sulfate-Free Shampoos for Natural Curly Hair

BEST FOR BETWEEN PROTECTIVE STYLINGS

Alikay Naturals Moisturizing Black Soap Shampoo

This is a clarifying shampoo so expect it to deep clean your hair, getting rid of built-up dirt and grease. It’s made from raw Black soap and includes plantain skins, cocoa seed powder, and tea tree oil, helping it to effectively moisturize hair as it cleans.

BEST FOR VERY DRY HAIR

Carol’s Daughter Coco Creme Sulfate Free Shampoo

Coconut oil and mango butter help to hydrate, moisturize, and soften curly hair, defining individual curls and giving them back their bounce. This shampoo is actually part of the Carol’s Daughter Coco Crème System which also includes a conditioner and velvet cream hair mask.

BEST FOR DRY, DAMAGED HAIR

Kinky-Curly Come Clean Moisturizing Shampoo

This shampoo lives up to its name. It’s great for kinky, curly hair and moisturizes your hair while helping it to “come clean” from built-up gunk. While it works really well at restoring dry and damaged hair, it is still gentle enough for everyday use.

BEST FOR FRIZZ-FREE HAIR

Garnier Curl Nourish Sulfate-Free and Silicone-Free Shampoo

Garnier Curl Nourish Sulfate-Free and Silicone-Free ShampooGarnier Curl Nourish Shampoo is sulfate-free, paraben-free, and silicone-free – leaving plenty of room for the GOOD stuff! Its formula includes glycerin, coconut oil, and citrus protein, as well as vitamins B3 and B6. It works overtime at smoothing hair and taming frizz.

BEST FOR CURL DEFINITION

Ouidad Advanced Climate Control Defrizzing Shampoo

Defrizzing and curl definition is the name of the game with this shampoo that’s specifically designed for all types of curly hair. Its ingredients include glycerin for moisture with both shea butter and murumuru butter to soften hair and smooth hair cuticle.
Herbal Essences Honey & Vitamin B Shampoo and Conditioner Set

BEST FOR COLOR-TREATED HAIR

Herbal Essences Honey & Vitamin B Shampoo and Conditioner Set

Honey, jasmine, vanilla, vitamin B, glycerin, and real botanicals (endorsed by Royal Botanic Gardens, Kew) come together in a formula that deeply but gently cleanses hair. If you have color-treated hair, it will protect your color while moisturizing your curls.
SheaMoisture Moisture Retention Shampoo

BEST FOR OVERPROCESSED, TRANSITIONING HAIR

SheaMoisture Moisture Retention Shampoo

If you’ve processed your hair before and are now looking to join the natural hair movement – welcome! This shea butter and aloe vera leaf juice shampoo works to repair and strengthen damaged hair. It also comes in an Extra Moisture version.
Our Plus 1 pick of sulfate-free shampoo for natural curly hair is an all-rounder that works really well with all types of hair.

BONUS +1 !!!

BEST FOR ALL HAIR TYPES

Mixed Chicks Sulfate Free Shampoo

Contains sweet almond, sesame, avocado, and olive oils each doing its part to help this shampoo strengthen, soften, and moisturize hair while nourishing it. It also contains panthenol (a provitamin of B5) and pH-balancing aloe vera. Use on coily, curly, straight, kinky, color-treated, and chemical-treated hair.

What’s your favorite sulfate-free shampoo?! 

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What I Learned About Myself During A Silent Retreat

As Told To Veronica R. Wells of NoSugarNoCreamMag.com

A while ago, actress Lupita N’yongo told Oprah that she went on a silent retreat. I was intrigued but also wondered if this was something for the rich and famous. Do you regular Black women go to silent retreats? Turns out we do. Or at least Ramona does.

Ramona grew up in Georgia, with two Christian parents, Lutheran and [Jamaican] Pentecostal to be exact. But by the time she was a teenager, she started reading creation myths and stories from other religions. She had questions and was seeking. While she doesn’t call herself a Hindu or Buddhist, she started studying Eastern religions, realizing that there were aspects from them that she liked and worked in term of spiritual growth and development. First, she incorporated yoga into her spiritual practice and eventually meditation.

It was the meditation that led her to participate in the silent retreat. See what she had to say about it below.

So how did the silent retreat play into your spirituality?

The Vipassana retreat, there’s one major foundation out of India that does them. But they are popping up in certain areas. You can do them for three days or the traditional one that I do for ten days. They have centers all over the globe and all over the U.S. You don’t have to completely be a Buddhist. When you are there, you are practicing certain Buddhist ideals, with meditation, following the noble precepts which are not to be vain and no harmful thoughts toward yourself or other beings, a vegetarian diet.

So you are subscribing to that but you don’t have to do more than that. And it’s just silence. I think that’s what I was looking for more than anything. I was at a point, my first time, where I just needed silence. I had been meditating for a while but my practice was off and on. I was craving silence.

What was going on in your life that you felt like you needed silence?

Oh man. I was just going through a lot of shifts. My partner is from Spain so I was going back and forth between those places and trying to decide am I going to stay in the U.S. and have to go through that immigration process with him? Or me moving there. Do I want to live in Europe? And all this other stuff. I was going through a lot of physical, environment changes. But I was going through a lot of emotional stuff. I was 27 at the time and just felt very overwhelmed and my practice in yoga was actually getting deeper. And I do believe that when you have a practice in anything martial arts, it is to strengthen you in a lot of ways and that opens you up for movement emotionally as well. I definitely was having all of that going on.

I heard about the silent retreat four years before and I was like, ‘I don’t think I could ever do that in my life. Props to this person.’ Then four years later, I found myself doing it for the first time.

Why did you believe you could never do it? Do you like to talk a lot? Did you feel like you would be bored?

Yeah! I first found out from this woman I was taking dance classes with, living a kind of fast-paced life. Living in Miami, a very external life. Always out and about. Always on the beach, doing this and this. But as I grew older, I shifted more into where I am now which is this introverted introvert. I was also drinking a lot at this time, let’s be honest. I was in my early twenties. I was just on party-ish mode. Still the same vibration of loving to be in nature and with the plants and herbalism but I was living a very external life. I wanted to be at the parties. And as you get older, it’s like, ‘That party ain’t…girl, you are missing nothing.’

So yeah, it just sounded so intimidating the idea of being in silence. And during that time, though I was practicing yoga, I was not meditating. But now, instead of pushing myself to do the physical stuff, I’m like, ‘Uhh yeah, I’m going to meditate.’ So, it was a different period in my life completely. But I was weirded out that you couldn’t talk!

Before you get there they give you the schedule and it’s like, ‘Oh my God!’ You’re meditating for ten hours a day. So it’s not even like you’re just quiet. But that meditation saves you. If we couldn’t do anything. You can walk around but you’re not even supposed to do eyesight or eye contact with people because it’s supposed to be completely internal. So that sounded so intimidating at 21. I was like, ‘Oh my God, I’m going to explode!’

What was your experience like when you finally went? Was it hard the first day or so?

Whew! Yeah. Within the first day–this is funny because it’s interesting to watch where your mind goes and that’s one of the things that–for all people meditating, don’t get down on yourself. Just watch where it mind goes. You can choose to go down that rabbit hole. And for ten hours a day meditating, I went down a rabbit hole. I was like, ‘I could write a movie!’ But it’s interesting to see that that’s how your mind likes to distract itself from feeling a lot of other things that may not be as pleasurable.

So within the first day, my rebel mind was like, ‘I’m out!’ The movie I was starting was how am I going to hitchhike? Because I got a ride here. I could have driven but I got a ride because I knew my mind was going to do this. And I’m like, ‘I need to go.’ I think I need to leave and was just resistant. That was the first day. Then, I was like, ‘No, I’m going to keep going.’ By the fourth day, I was having very strange dreams, like revealed dreams. I had a roommate that just snored really loud. And I was angry at this woman. I couldn’t express it. I couldn’t say anything and I just was laughing at myself for feeling angry at this woman who had no idea that she snored this loud. I’m watching how my brain is trying to attach to these different thoughts of ‘I need to get out of here,’ trying to find this escape.

So, I go and I speak to the teacher, who is the only person you can speak to. And he says, ‘Yeah, so those dreams, that happens. Just keep going. The technique is working.’ That’s all he said. And I’m like, ‘I thought you were going to give me the answer to the key of life. Now I’m mad at you.’ Because you telling me all of this is normal? But then you just keep going. Sometimes I would let my mind go down the rabbit hole. And sometimes I would let my mind really focus on the technique that they are teaching you to meditate and really just feel stillness. And when you feel it, it’s great.

You do feel that your brain does finally–for me, it took four to five days, the first time for my brain to just stop chattering. Thinking about this project, and this, and this, and this, it took five days. No tv, no music, no conversations and still five days for my brain to finally be like, ‘Okay, I’m present.’ And I don’t know how I could have gotten that any other way.

Where was it?

The first one I went to was in Jesup Georgia, so Southern Georgia.

What was the schedule like outside of hours of meditation?

Well, you have breakfast and lunch, then you have a light snack at 5 or 6. They have nightly discourses for about an hour. You’re not talking. It’s the guy who brought it over from India. His name is S.N. Goenka but they call him Goenka G. It’s actually very interesting these talks because everyday you feel like you’re having these breakdowns, high highs–because you’re feeling like, ‘Wow, I’m really meditating.’ and these low lows. And you just have this really keen view of it because you’re in silence. So he’s giving these discourses and every day, I felt like he was talking specifically to me. He’s like, ‘You’re probably feeling this and this…’ And I’m like, I know that wasn’t some magic thing. He wasn’t a wizard. But, in that moment, I realized we’re all going through so many different things.

We all have so many experiences but the human psyche is pretty much universal. He’s saying this is the technique. You’re feeling tired now. This is what your brain does. You feel tired when you’re pushing it to do things that are uncomfortable. You feel the fight back. And then there are 3-4 mandatory meditation sits for about an hour and then the other ones, you can meditate in your room and they have grounds where you can walk so you can do walking meditation. Then there’s bathroom time and that kind of stuff. But when you do the math, it’s about 9 hours of meditation a day.

Some people might be confused about what meditation is. Are you trying to clear your mind of all thought or are you trying to focus on a specific thought? What is meditation?

There’s multiple avenues to meditation. There’s not one correct way. So one of them is focusing on one single thing and keep your mind on that thing. And another one is trying to not have thoughts, more or less. I think a lot of people get down on themselves meditating because they keep having thoughts. But have compassion for yourself. No one can walk before they crawl. It’s normal to have those. You have to practice it. It’s not something that comes naturally to anybody. I think if you can close your eyes, sitting up and not fall asleep, that’s enough. I just sit and try to focus on my breath and just try to notice it.

I’ve done a lot of different techniques. For a while it would be imagine a color or a mantra. Sometimes I just let my mind wander and see where it goes. And I’m like, ‘Oh okay, now I know what I’m making for dinner.’ And that’s cool too. It’s more just dedicating the time to do it. So when I can do that, I’m just proud of myself. Whatever comes up, whether my mind is wandering the whole time or not. At least I showed up. I feel the benefits of just having that time for myself.

So by the ninth- tenth day, how were you feeling?

The ninth-tenth day, I felt good. Part of it is probably adrenaline from being like, ‘Yes! It’s almost over!’ You know like what marathon runners feel at the end, their body gives them the energy. I feel like that’s definitely part of it. And on the tenth day, you get to talk to people. So you get to talk to the people you’ve been seeing for a week and a half. You make up stories about these people. I’m telling you. It’s a distraction but that’s what–if you’re used to watching tv, this is tv, people watching. So it’s always interesting to talk to them at the end. But I felt really good by the end of it. The middle of the week is just hard. Six and seven for me were hard.

The second time, I just knew what to expect. My brain didn’t put up the same amount of resistance as it did the first time. It was like, ‘Okay, we’re going back into this mode. I’d been meditating more.’

After the ten days, is it hard to start talking again?

Oh! Yes and no. It’s interesting because you have this moment where you can talk to people but then afterwards, you go back into–it’s called noble silence. So once again, not speaking until the end of it.

The first time, I had sensory shock. Going back to Atlanta, where it was just so loud. It was quiet, you were just in the woods. I felt like people were talking really loud. Your ears were really acute to sound, so it’s a real thing. Talking gets easier. It’s easier than riding a bike.

But I felt like I was craving more silence. I thought, I would like to have a balance where it isn’t as loud but it isn’t complete silence. It’s hard to get that. It’s hard for me to get silence when I’m waking up to meditate because I live in the world and I have a partner and we have neighbors and all of this other stuff.

Did you find that you were more conscious or careful about the things you did say once you started speaking again?

Yeah, at first. But it wears off quickly. It wears off very quickly, within a day or two. When people think of retreats, they’re like, ‘Oh, have fun.’ Fun is the last thing I think of at this kind of retreat because it’s really deep. And you really have to be wanting it because if not, you’re going to leave. It’s not worth it if you don’t want it.

I realize, reactionary wise, I take more time to really think before I speak and just trying to keep that and hold space and be silent when I need to, instead of being very external and being an extrovert. I’m more quiet now and more observing and really taking my time, to where if I want to speak, let it be something of good. Maybe not so much when I’m in traffic…

But that has helped me in my relationships with other people and people I don’t know. So that’s really good. And that’s a practice that we all can be doing. But it’s gotten more and more in depth after the silent retreat.

I made a few friends from when I’ve done this–a few sisters because you can only speak with women. It’s segregated by gender. Because that’s a distraction. A man for a woman is a distraction and a woman for a man is a distraction. Very separated. I have friends and we’ve talked about ‘How do we continue living in these ways without becoming a monk? How do you live in the real world that is not quiet?’

A lot of this technique talks about–getting in touch with your subconscious which is always working, even when you’re sleeping. Your subconscious is taking messages from your body. And we just don’t notice it because we have a lot of distractions that our conscious mind picks up on. So when you take away some of those distractions, the subconscious voice–at least in my experience–is going to become louder.

Are you able to journal on this retreat?

Technically no. The first time I really, really followed their instructions. The second time I didn’t because I did want to remember some of the dreams. I wasn’t writing four pages every night but I would just jot down ideas. They say you’re only supposed to stretch but I did some more yoga stuff when my hips were really, really hurting. Because I’m like I’m protecting myself. I’m going through a lot and I need this. I guess you’re not supposed to attach to those desires that you have but it’s an integral part of my practice. And I’m going to listen to myself. The second time I definitely journaled and the first time I was mad that I didn’t bring a journal, that I listened to them.

What would you say you learned about your internal self? The way your brain works, the things you need to change about yourself, or the things you need to accept about yourself?

I think I mostly learned the complexity of emotions. Before the retreat, I didn’t know how to deal with that. Like, ‘Why am I not happy?’ So in the retreat, you go and you are going to see some of the darker parts of you. Anger came up a lot. And so I feel like afterwards, I can have all of these emotions. It’s okay not to be happy all the time. It’s okay to feel anger. It’s really okay to feel these things. What’s not okay is to continue subscribing to them because you think that they are you because they are not.

They just come and they go.

They are fading, they are fleeting.

You are choosing to stay sad. I have not been diagnosed clinically anything so these are my decisions to go into these emotions.

That’s what I really learned about my internal self, being able to love it wholly and not just for when I’m feeling good. I can really experience the full spectrum of emotions and still be my essence, the same person. And to not cower away from some of those darker ones, which is what I was doing and still do sometimes. I like to get comfort when I’m not feeling great. Sometimes I need to rest. It’s okay to subscribe to it. Just don’t get stuck there. Don’t cower away from that because it’s part of the experience.

Is it like therapy? Were you able to gain any clarity into why certain emotions come up for you?

I did have some memory triggering that happened. And had a lot of time to think about it. So I cried a lot. I think the anger was repressed anger for sure. All of them years working in the bar industry and just being passive aggressive to make my tips. All of it came out. I wanted to be mad at this lady for snoring so bad.

So in some ways, yes. In other ways, no. I still have therapy to speak about some things that came up. But I also feel like some ends were tied. I didn’t realize that A was leading to and now C is the situation that I’m in. But I think it could be dangerous seeing it as just a therapy thing. It is opening up a lot of things that you might need to actually speak to someone about.

For me, a lot of stuff about childhood trauma that I had been going through with both of my parents. And by being in Vipassana, I was recognizing it. I was having some memories come up. That’s where some of the repressed anger comes from too, not being able to express anger at situations that were very traumatizing because I was a kid. But I talked to a therapist about it. I don’t think I’m necessarily equipped–I know how I feel and what I experience but I think there’s also a really healthy balance of speaking to someone who knows about cognitive behavior and can give you that aspect. It’d be hard by ourselves completely.

I think it will be obvious to some why silence is spiritual but for those who don’t really get it, could you explain what is spiritual about being silent.

In my experience, there was this conditioning that I wasn’t even aware of. I thought silence was voidness. I thought it was very empty and it’s not. It’s not even void of sound. Because you can hear yourself, your thoughts, and your actual breath. The spirituality that you find in silence is the actual connection with yourself.

The other day in meditation–I like to ask myself a few questions afterwards and one of them is–and this is a very Buddhist principle–but the question is, “Who am I?” And everyday it would change but there’s a certain point where you’re like, ‘I’m not Ramona as a person.’ I’m not just a Black woman…I am these things but I’m not just that. Once I take away all of these titles, artist, writer, daughter…what’s left? And that’s what I want to encounter. This is a way of encountering it and it’s not silent what you find. You find emotions and sensations.

There’s a lot of information that’s there when you take the time to be in silence or ask questions like that. What am I really desiring? What am I working toward? But in silence, not without anyone else’s opinions. When was the last time we did that? As children? And when I’ve done it, I do encounter this feeling of being a young child again. I can be anything. No one’s told me that I can’t do that yet. So that’s been my experience.

That’s why silence is so important to spirituality because spirituality is such a personal thing, not words. And it’s something that is free of titles in its bare essentialness. We are too. So to really tap into that you have to go within. You have to be silent, let that subconscious voice get a little louder so you can be aware of your mechanisms, how you are moving and your real experience.

How do you recommend that Black women incorporate stillness and silence into their everyday lives? Because we really need it. We have so much going on.

Meditating. When I started it was one minute, then five minutes and then for a long time, eleven minutes. If I needed to get it in, the first thing when I wake up. If I need to wake up 20 minutes earlier just to get that in.

Taking a quick walk if that’s accessible. That does so much. You don’t even have to–when a lot of people go on vacation, that’s what they’re doing most of the time. ‘I was just walking down the beach.’ We can do that in our neighborhoods, just walking down the block. There is something that’s very grounding in doing that. It’s not stillness because you are moving but it helps me in having my mind a little bit clearer because there’s no tv, there’s no phone. I’m looking around me but that breaks me out of the autopilot that I’m in. Just taking a break out of that routine. The brain likes to get into autopilot. I’ve even turned my mom and sister onto it. Take a walk and see what it does.

I had a sister tell me, ‘Just take three deep breaths.’ Will you look crazy just standing there with your eyes closed, taking breaths? Probably. But just reclaim that time for yourself. And as Black women that’s what we need to do, figure out ways that work for us.

We have to work on being comfortable with stillness and not just doing all the time.

How do you incorporate silence into your life? Have you been on a silent retreat?

CN Says: Check out my Silent Retreat experience, HERE!  And as I type, TRUST that I’m booking at this one for this summer! My review to come! 

Veronica Wells-Puoane is the creator of the website NoSugarNoCreamMag. She is the author of “Bettah Days” and You’ll Be All Write, a question and answer journal for Black women. She is also the culture editor at MadameNoire.com.Silent retreat silent retreat silent retreat silent retreat sile retreat silent retreat silent retreat silent retreat silent retreat 

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Curly Nikki on the Evolution of the Natural Hair Movement: ‘It’s Like Night and Day’

The Evolution of the Natural Hair Movement – CurlyNikki in People Magazine

Hey hey!

I talked with People about my journey to Freedom- first through Natural Hair then through Enlightenment … It’s been a whole trip.

In other news, I woke up at 3 am for a special meditation/japa today that didn’t wrap until 12:30 pm. Feeling… Go(o)d! I was sleepy at first, tho.

How you doing today?! Did you wake up before the sun? What’s your morning routine?

With you in and AS Love,
Nik

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Natalie reflects on the ways in which her friend used her marriage to feel superior in her relationships with the women around her. We also discuss the problem with placing worth in a relationship.

NSNC: Has it been one person you’ve experienced married mean girl behavior with?

Natalie*: Girl, several. Several. Several. Especially now that our generation is getting married.

I’ll start off with my older friend Lisa.

When I was in my early twenties, I moved back home to New York and reunited with my junior high school crush. We got to know each other but I was also talking to another older guy who was established and had his shit together. But he was a commitment phobe so that didn’t work out.

Anyway, at that time, my married friend was saying, ‘You need to be dating with a purpose and with intention.’ All these high purity level, religious concept thinking or whatever. And I really bought into that.

My friend was married at 23. She’d been dating her husband since she was 17 and he was 22.

NSNC: Uh oh…

Natalie: I’ll just speak for my Caribbean community in New York. I feel like once you’re a part of an ethnic enclave, the age doesn’t matter. But in today’s climate, it’s like yikes.

Editor’s note: the legal age of consent in New York City is 17.

Lisa and her husband were the “it” power couple in our community. If I had any dating issues, I would talk to them. And I thought their advice was needed. Now, that I’m older, I realize I really should have been having fun and my dating life was nobody’s business.

NSNC: Why did you think you needed to be seeking advice from her?

Natalie: Now that I’m living with my boyfriend and have been with him three years, I realize there’s nothing wrong with me. Commitment isn’t a me issue. It’s the man’s issue. And growing up in college with movies like He’s Just Not That Into You and Think Like A Man, I thought there had to be something wrong with me.

After college, I lost 30 pounds. And with that weight loss, I started dressing in a more attractive fashion. A little skin. A little back out. But my wardrobe changes really caused me to think there’s something about me that men are not resonating with. My friend was really attractive, killing it in her career, dresses to the nines. She’s that girl. Often, if we want something that somebody else has, we wonder how did she get this? What did she do? So that’s why I sought her advice. But that would often combust in my face.

My junior high sweetheart wanted to be in a relationship today. Tomorrow he didn’t want to be in a relationship. If he goes to a fete–it was just a yo yo. And not to say that his actions were valid but we were 23-24. We were young. But you know, whenever these men upset our lives, we internalize it.

And my friend would confirm my feelings saying things like, ‘You don’t respect your worth because you’re dealing with him.’

I hate that message of you don’t know your worth, you’re settling. I feel like it’s deeper than that. Wanting to make a relationship work is normal. Wanting commitment is normal.

NSNC: How would you say Lisa lorded her marital status over you?

Natalie: I remember when she was pregnant with her first child and some girl was writing on my ex’s wall and it was getting to me. I tried to talk to him about it, he shut down. So I called her. And I get pregnancy hormones and what not but she was so nasty to me.

She said ‘Look at me, I’m pregnant,’ insinuating that I should be married already, I could have had a kid already. I should have done this already. She made sure to tell me that her husband was doing all of these amazing things and he’s going to be a great father. The way she spoke to me, her tone– it really broke my spirit. Like, I cried.

Then, in a group text–this was the f*cking kicker– She sends an article about How To Make A Man Commit To You, as though it’s magic. Then she wrote, ‘For our single sisters who aren’t getting it.’

I was so broken but nobody had my back for real. We all grew up in the same community and so my cousins were like, ‘Well, she has a point.’

My friends who are in relationships that aren’t the best for them, I just let them ride their shit out. People have to learn on their own. And not on some negative stuff. But like Erykah Badu said, ‘You’ll know when you’re done.’ The human spirit knows when you’re done. I think you’re doing a disservice if you try to speed up somebody’s learning process. I think things are divinely orchestrated and planned. Maybe I would be married and have a kid right now. But I really do appreciate the fact that I don’t have a partner who is like, ‘You need to be home at a certain time. You need to be washing my clothes.’

NSNC: Right, married to who?

Natalie: Right. I think I’ve arrived to my destination on time. But her tone. She was just so condescending. We’re cool now. I feel for her because she’s going through a divorce now.

Her nigga is with a woman who doesn’t even have a GED and is nowhere near as attractive as her.

So, this whole notion that you got to be a “bad bitch” and you got to be exercising until you die. It don’t matter because these men…

NSNC: …they gon do what they wanna do, period.

Natalie: But her words really broke me. And because she was pregnant everyone made excuses for her. Being pregnant doesn’t mean you have to speak nasty to people. I don’t buy that shit.

It’s always this attitude of–very Tamar-ish, ‘Let me tell you what this man is doing for me.’

Now, when people ask me for advice, I say, ‘I see it from this side. I see it from that side. But you know your shit better than I do.’ I’m not like, ‘Hanh! Let me tell you about my man!’

NSNC: You said that you’re still friends with her. How were you able to get past that incident in your mind?

Natalie: So, I look at my situation from all angles. I was in love with my ex. But I know he was on some fuck shit. And I know my friend shouldn’t have been talking to me this way. I’m not going to lie to you, Veronica. We didn’t talk until after her baby was born. I just talked about it with my mom, my cousin…

NSNC: What did your mom say?

Natalie: Girl, so my mom was like, ‘I keep tellin you stop telling people ya business cuz you don’t know wha goin on wid people relationships. I’m tellin you, people don’t even know where they man stay but want to boast up in your face.’ She was going off.

NSNC: Girl, she called it.

Natalie: She was like, this is not even about my ex. This is good life practice. Stop oversharing. And I was like, that is true. I know for me, if people share things, I’m going to handle them with care and confidentiality. But I had to really learn that other people don’t do that for you. That was really hard for me.

My mom also told me that there are friends who mean well but they say it in an aggressive and nasty way. Not that it makes it right.

NSNC: Trying to shame you into doing right.

Natalie: Exactly. That’s what my mom put me on.

Natalie: I think as a friend, she does have a good heart. But our families are so interconnected. I did come back later and apologize for reacting that way and not speaking to her for months. She didn’t apologize or do anything, if I’m being honest.

I think that’s something I do struggle with. I feel like I always have to be the bigger person. And as I’ve been getting older, I’m like eff it.

NSNC: Because you didn’t do anything wrong in that situation.

Natalie: And that’s what I was trying to explain to her. She told me that she spoke about my situation with another friend and that woman told her, ‘You’ve been with the same person since you were 17. You don’t know what it’s like to date now. You don’t know how hard it is to navigate certain situations.’

But this is not just a Natalie issue. She disinvited one of my friends from her wedding because the girl’s boyfriend didn’t propose to her the way she wanted.

Lisa stopped talking to another friend, Eva, because she decided to start dating a man she knew, who was going through a separation. Eva didn’t cause it. The wife knew what it was and she was cool with them dating, had her co-parenting and everything. But Lisa and Eva fell out.

And Eva told her, you’re so overbearing. You don’t allow people to live their life.

Now, the stuff that’s coming out about her marriage is crazy.

NSNC: Looking back do you think all of the things she said to you all about relationships was a projection of her marriage not being what she thought it was.

Natalie: Mmhmm. Now that we all know that we know, it absolutely was that. I do think she may have been jealous that we could leave these partners and get better.

NSNC: Whew shit!

Natalie: But in our culture, even though she’s very Americanized, people don’t get divorced. People look down at my mother for being divorced and I always have to clapback at my cousins like well at least my mother is not hiding passports from her husband. Can you imagine living like that in your seventies?

My aunt saw my mother at a funeral and said, ‘How ya skin look so nice? How ya look so?’ And mommy was like, ‘Because I don’t have man problems.’

NSNC: Your friend is like a lot of women. She probably was okay living miserable as long as she was married.

Natalie: That is so, so true.

NSNC: What has she said about her divorce?

Natalie: Lisa is still on social media acting like they’re married. My cousin is living with her in-laws, that’s how we even know she’s getting a divorce. Her husband is flouncing around with the new lady. They’re in the middle of divorce proceedings and he’s living with the new lady and her two kids.

NSNC: Jesus. She’s still trying to hold it up.

Natalie: They took family photos for their son’s birthday and she posts those photos, taking selfies with the husband and the baby. Her husband–he never had an Instagram when they were married but now that he’s with someone else, he has an Instagram page. So I don’t know how long she’s going to be able to keep up these charades.

NSNC: That’s sad.

Natalie: I really do pray for her because even though she was so nasty to me–I saw my mom go through a depression when my parents were going through a divorce.

Natalie: I think it’s the way we are socialized. Especially in the Caribbean community. This is going to sound really messed up but I feel like my friends who married in their twenties, a lot of them haven’t had a lot of rich life experiences and because of that they become codependent on the title of being a wife and what that means and entails.

* All names have been changed

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Veronica Wells-Puoane is the creator of the website NoSugarNoCreamMag. She is the author of “Bettah Days” and You’ll Be All Write, a question and answer journal for Black women. She is also the culture editor at MadameNoire.com. 

Find more of her articles by Veronica on Curlynikki.com, HERE!

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Healthy Natural Hair Growth and Vitamin Supplements

by Jacqueline Samarroo

Trying to get natural curly hair to grow full and long can be frustrating! You deep condition, clip your ends, wrap or pineapple your hair at night, wear protective styles and still see little to no hair growth. What gives?

Well, textured natural hair is simply more susceptible to fractures and breakage. Taking a vitamin supplement could help since hair has to be healthy to grow strong, resist breakage, and retain its length. And, just like all the other parts of your body, the health of your hair is directly related to nutrition.

Which Vitamins Promote Natural Hair Growth?
Before we get started, it’s good to remember that while nutrient deficiency can negatively affect natural hair growth, so too can the excess of some nutrients. Plus, you may have a preexisting condition that affects the type of supplement you should take. So, be sure to ask your doctor before taking any supplement.

Here are four vitamins and two minerals often found in natural hair growth supplements aimed at growing strong, healthy hair.

Good whole food sources of each are also included!

Vitamin B (B Complex)
There are eight B vitamins. Supplements usually use the term “B complex” when they contain all eight. Functions of B vitamins include helping with the production of red blood cells. This is important since red blood cells take nutrients and oxygen to the scalp and hair follicles.

Whole grains, dark, leafy greens, almonds, meat, seafood, and fish are good sources of the various B vitamins. Vegetarians and vegans should be aware, however, that vitamin B12 is unavailable from plant sources, so a supplement that contains it is a good choice.

Vitamin C
Vitamin C helps the body absorb iron and make collagen – a protein found in hair. It also works as an antioxidant to block the production of free radicals which can stop hair growing and cause it to age.

Citrus fruits are famous for their vitamin C content. Other great sources are strawberries, peppers, Brussels sprouts, and potatoes.

Vitamin A
Vitamin A promotes cell growth in the hair follicle and in the base of each strand of hair. It also has a role in the production of sebum – the oily substance that lubricates your hair and scalp. Vitamin A is also an antioxidant that helps stop hair from aging.
Eggs, cheese, and oily fish are good direct sources of vitamin A. Leafy greens, as well as yellow and orange veggies, are high in beta-carotene which your body can turn into vitamin A.

Vitamin E
Like vitamins C and A, vitamin E is a powerful antioxidant that prevents the creation of free radicals. It has been proven to slow aging of hair and boost natural hair growth.

Nuts, seeds, and wheat germ are good vitamin E sources. So, too, are avocados and spinach.

Iron
Iron helps the blood carry oxygen to all the cells of the body. This is why anemia, or iron deficiency, is a major cause of hair loss. That’s good reason to enjoy your leafy greens, beans, and red meat.

Zinc
Zinc is involved in growth and repair of hair tissues. It also helps oil glands around hair follicles function properly. Beans, nuts, shellfish, and meat are all good sources.

A balanced diet provides all the nutrients your hair needs but “balanced” isn’t always the reality. We lead hectic lives and it’s so easy to grab something fast, convenient but not necessarily nutritious to satisfy our hunger. This is where a vitamin supplement for natural hair growth can definitely lend a hand.

What natural hair growth vitamins do you take?

CurlyNikki says: I just make sure to keep my iron up. I also take liposomal vitamin c from time to time! 

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Overcoming the Doubt and Fear of Others to Live Authentically
HERjourney with Sienna

“People operated out of fear – when I knew this was my path. All I did to overcome it was let people have their feelings, and know that it was my time to live my life. That’s all.”

—Sienna

doubt and fear 

Tell us about yourself!

I’m Sienna… or Sie to most… pronounced SEE.. because it’s what I do. My Tribal Name is Laaweewii Peepáxkwūleesh (Wild Flower). I am a Shaman by lineage, and a Metaphysician by trade. I am a wife and Mother located in NY… I’m born and raised here- it’s home. In 2017, I opened a Metaphysical Storefront Chester in Chester NY called Demure Lyfe. We sell crystals, candles, handmade incenses, Curios, and Sage as we specialize in Sacred Smoke.

I’ve been open for sometime now, and through the Pandemic I’ve evolved my store into more of a Healing Studio, where I teach classes and take clients as well.

How long have you been on a self-healing or spiritual journey?
I’ve always been a very sentient being, as was my Mother before me… and her Mother before her. From the womb, I would say I began this Spiritual Journey- being that is when my Soul incarnated here with this purpose. My Mother, who was very Intuitive, gave me all of the tools very early on in my life to understand that all Souls deserve Healing.

I come from the Lenape People, and with that I have always had an understanding that all life forces are connected, and to Honor the Earth as it is our True Mother.

What event, situation, or life circumstance sparked your journey?
I have always been on this path to embolden my Spirit, but I committed to it more seriously back in 2007, months before the passing of my Grandmother… she had appeared to me in a vision to tell me the exact day she would transition…and she absolutely did transition that day. I knew at that point I had a truly heightened awareness and I began to develop it.

What’s your primary practice?
My Primary Practice is to solely be Authentic and Honest on who I am, and what I am. I just try to Honor the Earth and it’s creatures deeply. I stay away from things that weaken me physically- like alcohol and smoking…and I try my best to give my children what they deserve: A healed me.

How has it benefited you mentally, physically/materially, and/or spiritually?
Staying true to myself and continuing to do what’s best for me has helped me to be a better Mother. Healing here, you are able to incorporate consistency and learn how to forgive in different ways… these are the lessons I share with my children.

What’s your top three favorite books?
My Elders have been my Living Libraries, I never really grew up reading much…but I love fiction…I love Terry McMillan! A Day Late and a Dollar Short, Mama, and Disappearing Acts are favorites. I named my Daughter Zora for the lead character in Disappearing Acts.

Have you faced any challenges since beginning? How did you overcome?
I would say that the only challenge has been others projections of doubt in my approach to things. Many people were concerned when I quit my job in 2015 and decided to work for myself as a Healer and Metaphysician. People operated out of fear – when I knew this was my path.

All I did to overcome it was let people have their feelings, and know that it was my time to live my life. That’s all.

Share one of the biggest winks or nods from God/The Universe that let you know you’re on the right path!
I receive consistent confirmation! I can’t peg it down to one. I would just say that I am shown through the Wind that blows the Chimes on my porch every time I internally know something to be true.

Advice or counsel for those looking to get started on the journey!
Don’t let anyone shift your perception to what they think is true and right for you. Know that each person’s Soul is their own, and it’s not a race. You don’t have to buy all the Tarot Cards, Crystals, and Sage…you start with your own gut intuition. The best ways to do that is to clean up your diet, let go of drugs and alcohol, and drink more water.

It’s amazing what happens to you when you stay consistent in those 3 areas. There are certain things you can’t learn in books- I would invest in a Mentor who is in alignment with what you would like to see in yourself. The right Mentor will teach you how to empower YOURSELF.

Keep up with Sienna on IG

How are you being authentically you? Tell us below!

What’s your story? Respond to the questions/prompts above, attach a picture, and submit to nikki@curlynikki.com using ‘herjourney’ in the subject line!

 

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The Journey to Your Best Natural Hair Life- Stop Doing These 9 Things

by Tammy of TheHitchConcept

Not living your best natural hair life? One bad hair day turns into a week of bad hair days which leaves no good hair days. What am I doing wrong? What could I be doing differently? Natural hair is complex and there are so many factors that contribute to positive and negative outcomes. Most of us are familiar with the usual suspects; you need more moisture or you’re not trimming your hair often enough, just to name a few.

Here’s the 9 things you may be doing to block your hair blessings that you may not have thought of.

1. Using a rinse out conditioner as a leave-in conditioner.

All conditioners are not created equal. Conditioners have a role to play in your hairstory. Your hair is the star, the conditioner (rinse out) is the co-star, and the leave in conditioner is that of the supporting role. Each is important and they work well in concert, but their roles are very different. They each have their own script and deliver their lines accordingly. In other words, each is formulated very differently and each has a very specific purpose.

Conditioner is meant to close the cuticle after shampooing and provide softening and moisture. A leave in conditioner is meant to lock in moisture and provide added protection. They are not interchangeable. Will it be the end of the world if you do it once in a while, I would say no. However, I would caution against making this practice a part of your normal hair care routine. If you’re experiencing scalp/skin irritation or product build up, this could be the reason why.

2. Speaking of conditioners, there is such a thing as over conditioning.

When it comes to deep conditioning, if you are leaving it in over night or beyond the directions on the bottle, you are not providing “extra” conditioning to your hair. Deep conditioners are formulated to stop working once it reaches the maximum absorption point which has been pre-determined long before it is approved and distributed to the store shelf for consumers. What harm could it cause you ask? Over time, it will cause a change in the structural building blocks of your hair which will result in weakening the hair.

Side note – over conditioning can also occur if you are using a rinse out conditioner in addition to a deep conditioner. You only need one, unless directed to do so by the manufacturer. Think of it like following a recipe. If the directions include 1 cup of flour and you decide to add 2 cups, the entire recipe will simply not work. It’s an additional step that you simply don’t need.

3. Skipping deep conditioning treatments.

To continue the topic of conditioners, if you’re going to skip a step, don’t skip this one. After the battles your hair fights day after day, it needs and deserves the extra TLC just like you do after a long week at work. Intensive penetration, repair, and moisture retention are exactly what your hair needs to flourish and be prepared for the upcoming week. Deep conditioning is your way of rewarding your hair and the extra 20 minutes is worth it.

4. Not reading the ingredients.

You have a ton of products in your arsenal but don’t know which ones to use. This is a very common occurrence amongst naturalistas. A good place to start is reading the label to see what’s in it. If you don’t know what you are putting in your hair, how will you know what works and what doesn’t? If for example, the product contains a high concentration of isopropyl alcohol, your hair may experience dryness and frizz. The ingredient list is the single best tool at your disposal to determine if a product is a good choice or not.

5. Styles matter.

There are certain hairstyles, even those deemed “protective styles” that can add stress to your hair, causing wear and tear over time. My personal favorite, the bun, is a great example. Pulling your hair into a tight bun day after day, adds stress to the same spot and over time, you will experience breakage at the base of the bun. If the bun is your style of choice, loosening it up in a good solution to avoid stress.

6. Some things are better left untouched.

The playful finger twirl of the hair when you’re bored, the pulling and tugging when styling, twisting and re-twisting daily, all too much. Over manipulating your hair is going to lead to trouble, namely breakage. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your hair is to simply leave it alone. Opting for looks that last a few days at a time will do wonders for the health and look of your hair.

7. Not shampooing often enough.

I know there are some who have waged a war against shampoo and don’t deem it necessary. I, however, am not one of those people. I am a firm believer that hair and scalp needs to be cleansed and that adding other products to hair that has not been shampooed will only compound things. That being said, what is considered “often enough” varies from one curly head of hair to the next.

If you’re experiencing scalp inflammation, itchiness, dandruff and/or excess shedding, consider the possibility that it’s because you may need to up your cleansing frequency.

8. Abrasive shampooing.

Speaking of shampooing, proper shampooing is equally as important as the act itself. If you’re too rough during shampooing, you could be causing serious damage to the hair follicles. Cleansing your hair by using your finger nails as opposed to finger tips, can cause inflammation and damage to your scalp. Although it feels amazing, nothing good can come from it!

The constant friction not only causes damage and frizz, it opens your scalp up to infection. Gently massaging with finger tips and the palms of your hands, focusing on the roots will save your hair and keep you on the path to reaching healthy hair goals.

9. Hair tools need love too.

Germs and bacteria grow and breed on surfaces and your hair tools are no exception. Think of all the products and residue left behind each time they are used. How often they should be cleaned and sanitized is dependent upon how often you use them. To give you some perspective, a group of scientists, tested 30 hairbrushes and found that they contained more bacteria per square inch than a toilet seat. (Source: The Mirror). Now think of how often you clean your toilet and compare that to how often you clean your hair tools.

If any of these things sound familiar, you may have figured out the solution to living your best hair life!

 

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Why I Left: I Can’t Trust Him Anymore

As Told To Veronica Wells-Puoane of NoSugarNoCreammag.com

We met when I was really young. I had just started working in the entertainment industry at 19. I was taking college classes but I needed a job that was going to be easy money and keep me in the know. So I went and started working at the Bel Age Hotel in West Hollywood.

My husband was the director of engineering there and was in charge of all this renovation. So that’s where we met. We were friends first. We weren’t really coworkers because he was on the executive board where I was a new entry type of person.

The dating experience was good. It was really good. We dated for almost ten years before we got married. I had actually stopped keeping count because I wasn’t the chick who was like, ‘I need to be married.’ I had everything else with him. We had a strong courtship, a strong friendship, we had bought property together. We were living together.

He went through the rain, the lightening, the thunderstorms, everything with me because he was eight years older than me. He had already been married once. He had a kid already. He was already in that mode. He wanted to continue that and I wasn’t interested in having kids or necessarily being a wife right then.

I always wanted to be a wife and mother but I met him when I was so young. So I thought, ‘By the time I’m 25, I’ll be ready…By the time I’m 28, I’ll be ready.’ I had this timeline in my head.

I wasn’t the chick who was like, ‘I need to be married.’

But all in six months my life changed. My grandmother was diagnosed with cancer in December and by May she was dead. And this was the person I loved the most in the world.

My husband and I were on a hiatus at that point. We had broken up because he had given me an ultimatum about being married and starting a family.

I just wasn’t there. Mainly because I thought I was going to have to be perfect in my marriage. There was an image that I thought that a wife and mother should be. I got these messages pulling apart what I saw on tv, what I saw my mom do and not do, what my favorite auntie did, pictures in a magazine. All of these things told me lies of what I had to be in order to be her, instead of just being her.

Ultimately, when I realized that life could change that quickly, I thought, ‘I can’t keep on waiting another two years for this to happen or another two years for that to happen. If this man loves me and I love him and we’ve been living as so, then we might as well make it so.’

Six weeks after my grandmother died, I was pregnant. On purpose. We got back together and it was like no more turning back.

You just know when you know. It was time to make some real life decisions, grow the hell up and stop running from the thoughts of being perfect, or traditional, or being anything else than what I am.

Still, after I got married those pressures didn’t go away. But he had a forgiving, understanding, and a patient love. I realize now in hindsight, I probably took a little advantage of that love.

I’m not confrontational and neither is he. We would both kind of be like, ‘I’m cool if you cool.’ And that was to a fault.

There were days when I put pressure on myself. I’m not a celebrity but I have celebrity clients and I have been on tv. We filmed in my house. We had children on tv. My last son was born on television. So there were whispers in my ear from my subconscious. But the real me would stand up for that girl and say, ‘Well, no she doesn’t. This is real. And there’s somebody else living just like this or worse or somebody wishing they could get to this level. You don’t have to be, do, and say.’

A lot of it was for the outside world and not necessarily what mattered to he and I.  If I have to be honest with you, I might not have shared my struggles with the pressure I was putting on myself. He also didn’t share his expectations of what he thought our marriage should have been. We didn’t have the dialogue. I think that dialogue would have saved us from where we ultimately ended up.

I’m not confrontational and neither is he.

After over a decade of marriage, he left. That was two years ago now. There was no announcement. There was nothing. When he walked out the door, I had no idea that was the last time he would be in the house. There was no conversation about it. It wasn’t like we had some turbulent marriage, where we were arguing and he didn’t come home at night.

That’s what I mean when I said he wasn’t confrontational and I wasn’t confrontational. And if we had spoken more about the pressure of what society says a marriage should be and balance that with what we say we really want, if we were vocal about that, I would have understood a little bit more about where he was coming from before we got here.

I didn’t understand where he was, to the point where I was oblivious to the fact that he was unhappy. I think that he didn’t know how to process his unhappiness either. And his only answer was I’m walking out this door and I’m not packing anything. I’m not taking a tv off the wall, I’m not going to make it a big deal.

When I talked to him eventually, he didn’t know it was going to go that far. He didn’t know if he was leaving to clear his head for the day or whatever. It was just a regular Sunday. He left with what was on his back.

When he returned 12 days later, he wasn’t coming back to live. He came back because my son had gotten sick and was in the hospital.

When he walked back into our home, he was not wearing his ring. I asked him, ‘Where’s your ring?’ He said it was in the car. That’s when I knew, I knew, I knew.

There was no announcement. There was nothing.

Over the course of those 12 days he was gone, I was angry. I had a son that was here sick. I couldn’t move the way that I normally move. So I thought, ‘What the fuck is up with my life equity? Where am I valued? What’s happening? He gets to go and keep moving while I am stuck?’

My husband leaves. My son gets sick and it changed the whole structure of my life. I had to take care of my son 24 hours a day. And now my husband has bailed out. He can still work, still socialize with his friends. But I’m a nurse and a mother 24 hours a day and still dealing with the debris of my kids not knowing what the hell was going on with me and their dad.

The first couple of days, they didn’t know anything. He would go out of town for work pretty often. But as time went on, they asked, ‘Where is dad? When is he coming back?’ I’d tell them, ‘He’s going to come back.’ Because I didn’t know what to say at that point.

Then I just created my own narrative. I started telling my girlfriends, ‘This MFer left.’ I didn’t even want to hear what the hell he had to say. Because if you can do this, then ain’t no telling. Where is the reasoning behind this?

I’m a mom and I’m stuck and you get to run away. So I couldn’t see or hear what he had to say. And it made it worse. Because when a woman’s scorned…

I went to the mountain top and started telling all of our friends and some of our family. That made it even harder for him to even think about coming back because now he’s embarrassed. But I didn’t care at that point.

He never wanted to go too much into why he left anyway. He thought we could just move on and start talking about how we’d co-parent.

I told him it doesn’t go like that. I’m here with the kids and I’m still your wife. We made a promise to each other.

If you can do this, then ain’t no telling.

At one point, I feel like he was trying to say he wanted to maybe come back home but I was making that hard because at that point, it was a trust issue. I thought if you can just walk out like this, you can’t just come back whenever. You did this to me in my forties. You can’t do this to me when I’m in my sixties, the kids are grown and I’ve given you that much more of my life.

I didn’t like him. I was mad. So unless he was coming to really kiss ass and make this right, then no.

I never wanted to be in a situation where I had to second guess the man that I was with. I trusted him and he had earned my trust over the years. But the day that he left and everything else fell apart, I had to rewind, inspect and investigate. So, until I can get past that, I was going to be investigating moving forward. And I didn’t want to do that. I’d rather be by myself and have peace of mind than to be chasing behind somebody.

That’s just what the truth is, no matter how hurtful it is. I’m not going to be the one checking up. I just can’t.

I already did that. I hired a private investigator. That’s how I learned he was seeing someone else. And he ended up telling me, ‘I was talking to her as a friend about some things that were happening here at the house.’

You weren’t even talking to me about the issues that were happening at the house! Did she tell you to come back and talk to your wife? What was she telling you for two years? And you got so comfortable where it was so easy for you to get up and leave. So she served her purpose, right?

But I don’t fault anybody but he and I. Whoever he’s seeing now, whoever he was seeing when he first left, bottom line they didn’t lay down or make a promise to me. It was on us. Our bad.

I’d rather be by myself and have peace of mind. I can’t trust him . I can’t trust him . I can’t trust him I can’t trust him I CAN’T TRUST HIM I can’t trust him I can’t trust him I can’t trust him I can’t trust him I can’t trust him I can’t trust him I can’t trust him I can’t trust him I can’t trust him I can’t trust him I can’t trust him I can’t trust him I can’t trust him I can’t trust him I can’t trust him I can’t trust him I can’t trust him I can’t trust him I can’t trust him I can’t trust him I can’t trust him 

Now, he comes around to see the kids. I never changed the locks on him. I wanted him to see the kids. He doesn’t take them to his house. They don’t visit with him. Not because I’ve said so. I’ve packed bags. But, he don’t do that.

Wherever he lives, it’s peaceful or whatever. He’s living his life. For a while, I looked at myself like I was the side chick with the babies. But I’m like no, I’m not going to feel that vibe anymore because I’m not the side chick. I am the wife. My children were planned. They are loved. And from the womb to the tomb, I am their mother. So he doesn’t have to take them with him. I just want him to see them.

He comes here three times a week. But our relationship is non-existent. Our house is big enough for him to be in one part and me to be in another. I stay out of his way for the 3-4 hours that he’s here.

I still haven’t made peace with what’s happened. I didn’t want any parts of it. I want my husband and my kids in the same house, us tearing down statistics, and building a legacy of what real love, life, and lessons look like. Now, I don’t have that opportunity currently. That’s the reason why I don’t speak to him.

I tell him still, throughout everything, I love you. I just don’t like you. I may come and give him a kiss on the forehead, go back in my room and not speak to him for another three weeks. The truth of the matter is, I really still do love him. I’ve had him in my life for 26 years. That’s not going anywhere. He is my only husband and the only father of my kids and I always wanted him to be that.

In my head and in my heart, that’s still my husband. But I know I have to get past that.

I think that if I ever really worked on the marriage, we could reconcile but do I ever want to be that vulnerable again? I would have work on myself and then work things out with him. And that’s just too much work to think about right now.

Would I like, in some fairy tale land, for us to get back together and live out our golden years, him die in my arms, and all that bullshit? Yeah, I would. That’s the honest truth. But there’s so much work to be done that I might just be too stubborn.

Do I ever want to be that vulnerable again?

Right now, I’m focused on my healing. And my healing looks like helping other women. I want to teach entrepreneur women how to build a business that is profitable and able to secure the bag so that if they hit a road bump in life, they can still support their family and community, without a husband. That’s my calling and my why because it happened to me. So I’ve developed courses and bootcamps to help women do that.

We all have lost love at some point. And we all should be self-sufficient.

When all of this was happening with my husband, there was one time I went to Target and I couldn’t do a purchase that was $23. I was trying to buy stuff for my kids and I had less than $7 to my name when I was used to having six figures in the bank. Assets were frozen. There were things we couldn’t touch initially. So I had to create other streams of income and I want to teach other women to do that.

In terms of my relationship with him, ideally, in the future would be me healing and getting to a place where we can be taking vacations with our new significant others and it’s all cherries, peaches, and plums. I’m okay with that.

You can learn more about Monique Jackson and her courses for female entrepreneurs via her Instagram page, @moniquejackson1 or website www.moniquejackson.com

DMTBeautySpot

via https://www.DMTBeautySpot.com

curlynikki, Khareem Sudlow

#DMTBeautySpot #beauty

7 Ways to Prevent Heat Damage to Natural Hair

by Jacqueline Samarroo

This Is How to Protect Your Natural Hair Before, During, and After Heat Styling to Prevent Heat Damage

Since the latest wave of the natural hair movement started in the 2000s, many of us have begun to embrace our kinky, coily, curly, and wavy locks. It’s a beautiful, wonderfully empowering thing! One of the greatest fears we have, however, is heat damage to our natural hair – and with good reason.

Hair generally starts to burn and denature at about 450 degrees Fahrenheit. Textured hair is more fragile, however. It can start seeing heat damage at lower temperatures. The result is hair that is dry, frizzy, brittle, and prone to breakage. It also has less bounce and does not revert to its natural curl pattern after washing.

But, it is possible to prevent heat damage to natural hair AND restore hair that has already suffered from it.

Prevent Heat Damage

Here are seven ways you can protect your natural hair before, during, and after heat styling.

1. Evaluate your hair.
It’s a good idea to avoid using heat on your hair if it is already brittle and breaking. Focus instead on restoring damaged hair since the last thing you want to do is make a bad situation worse.

2. Prepare your hair.
Start with clean hair since oils and dirt can cause hair to burn quicker. Use a deep conditioner to moisturize your hair and be sure to (gently) detangle your hair before applying heat.

3. Use a heat protectant.
Heat protectants coat each strand of your hair with silicones. This limits heat damage as well as locks moisture into your hair.

4. Start slow and low.
Use low to medium settings on your heat styler. Also, avoid using heat on your hair more than once a week. This gives it time to bounce back (literally!) between heat stylings.

5. Heat style dry (or slightly damp). 
Speaking of overexposure to heat – drying wet hair takes longer and much higher heat. Instead, dry your hair with a microfiber towel till it’s just slightly damp before using heat to dry and style it.

6. Wrap your hair at night.
Heat-treated or not, your hair is much less likely to tangle and break if you sleep with it wrapped. And, there is a bonus! Wrapping helps maintain your style, taking a lot of the stress out of your morning hair routine.

7. Use a professional.
Make an ally of your stylist. They can help you keep track of the health of your hair and spot early signs of damage. Also, if you doubt your skills at properly protecting your hair as you heat style it, then it’s probably best to let a professional do it for you.

Repair Your Hair

• Heat damage happens fast and can look really bad. Rest assured, however that restoration of your beautiful curls is totally possible – it will just take some time.
• Use a leave-in conditioner. It promotes hydration of your hair as well as makes detangling easier.
• Do a protein treatment every few months. This will strengthen your hair by restoring its keratin.
• Switch to a protective style for a while. It shields your hair from being tugged, snagged, and exposed to other damaging elements.
• Rely on a professional to trim the ends of your hair. It will remove some of the damage and help to stop breakage. You’ll be pleasantly surprised that the loss of length actually leaves you with bouncier hair!

DMTBeautySpot

via https://www.DMTBeautySpot.com

curlynikki, Khareem Sudlow