Twitch streamer BrookeAB can’t stop smiling. The gamer lights up the studio as she walks onto set, having traded in her hoodie and biker shorts for a carrot-colored top, sheer cropped jacket, and white biker skirt. A swath of flaming orange eyeshadow dances across her eyelids while tiny tangerine orbs top her fiery coffin nails. The look — from our gaming-meets-glam photoshoot — is an elevated reimagining of Phoenix, an agent Brooke, as everyone calls her in chat and IRL, often plays on Riot Games’ Valorant. “This is sooo cool!” she says, sitting in half of a hollowed translucent blue sphere, her fingertips grazing its edges. Her zeal to deliver the perfect shot sets the room ablaze, but if you didn’t know any better, you’d think she just clutched a crucial round in the game.

The 23-year-old is like many Gen Z stars: bright, effervescent, and willing to broadcast the day-to-day details of her life to complete strangers over the internet. Brooke plays video games for a living, one of those jobs — like superhero or princess — that only kids would dream of as a viable career. Streamers like her know, though, that the job is like any other. Along with the fantasy come long hours, pressure to perform, and a list of grievances about what can be a toxic workplace culture. In fact, Brooke’s life as a streamer includes obstacles that would be more at home in a horror movie than a fairy tale.

Last October, Brooke publicly revealed that she was the target of a massive stalking and online harassment campaign that, at its worst, included graphic death threats to her and her family. The “emotional nightmare,” as she described on Twitter, culminated in the FBI and law enforcement across multiple states identifying some of the people responsible for the onslaught of hateful DMs.

The next morning after her West Hollywood photoshoot, Brooke is only just beginning to open up about what happened. As we sit in the red- and black-accented living room of the 100 Thieves content house in Los Angeles, she’s perched on the edge of a leather couch, her hands clasped and her voice soft, yet steady. To this day, the harassers are still at it — including the stalker who started it all. Understandably, Brooke is reluctant to reveal too much about her private life; stalkers have used details as small as her last name to doxx her whole family.

“I’m past the point where I let it affect me so much that I couldn’t do anything, but it’s such a struggle,” she says. “It really is.”

In a saturated pool of influencers and creators vying for the viral crown, Brooke’s ability to rise from the ashes with a mission and a message makes her a beacon of inspiration. Just like the entry fragger she plays, she’s run into battle and back — respawning triumphant to reclaim control over her life.

Kaftan blazer; Tres Rache turtleneck; Serpenti Naxos skirt, $130, available at serpentiapparel.com; Vivienne Westwood ring; Dalmata earring.

Brooke grew up in Oregon, hiking through majestic mountains and enjoying family trips to the picturesque Pacific Northwest coast with her family. But, she was an indoor kid at heart; from a young age, she discovered her love for video games by watching her older sister play GameCube and PlayStation 2. “I didn’t really love playing games myself,” she says. “I just always pulled the chair behind her to watch, and it was really fun for me.” After that, Brooke began expanding her game pool. From Neopets and Minecraft to Call of Duty and Halo, gaming played a major role at every stage of Brooke’s life, so it was only natural for her to start streaming on Twitch in 2018 while studying psychology at Western Oregon University.

At first, streaming was fun, but it wasn’t serious — her gamertag, BrookeAB, was almost an afterthought. “I was like, ‘I don’t need a crazy name.’ I’ll just put my initials in and call it a day,” she says. “So I did BrookeAB and I regret it. I should have thought of something way cooler.” She quickly settled into a regular grind: going live often and for long sessions between classes, chatting with fans, and laughing her way through Fortnite, then the game du jour.

One day, after a year of streaming, Brooke posted an Instagram photo of herself wearing an $8 “pouty girl” beanie from the merch store of popular YouTuber Corinna Kopf and was surprised when Kopf extended an invite to play. That Fortnite lobby happened to include Turner “Tfue” Tenney and Mason “Symfuhny” Lanier — Kopf and Tenney were dating at the time, and were trying to set Lanier up with Brooke. It worked.

The rest is history — and forever archived on YouTube. During the stream, it’s evident that Brooke and Lanier liked each other, and she agreed to go on a double date with him, Kopf, and Tenney if Lanier clutched a dub (he did). Soon after, Brooke and Lanier started documenting the early stages of their budding relationship, vlogging adventures to Disneyland and sharing details of their first kiss, which Lanier openly admitted was his first ever. As the two creators streamed and posted, viewers became more and more ravenous for videos of young love unfolding in real time.

The girl from Oregon suddenly catapulted into the spotlight, and her audience skyrocketed from double digits to 10,000 live viewers, quite literally overnight. Brooke’s rapid ascent caught the attention of 100 Thieves founder and CEO Matt “Nadeshot” Haag, and in October 2019, the gaming and esports organization signed her as the second woman to join its creator arm. “I spent a little bit of time watching her streams, and she was just always such a positive presence,” Haag tells me over Zoom. “To watch somebody as positive and as forthcoming as Brooke was just a breath of fresh air.”

Getting a call from the former esports champ was the first moment that Brooke felt like she really made it. “Like, wow, people genuinely want to see more of me,” Brooke says. “Wow, okay, I can do this for real.” The second was when she quit her minimum-wage job at the corporate office of a tanning salon and headed down the West Coast straight into 100 Thieves’ content house, where she still streams from and lives with Haag, Jack “CouRage” Dunlop, and all their significant others, including Lanier.

The move opened doors for Brooke as she became one of the faces of 100 Thieves, and joined the tight-knit group of women in the top echelons of the Twitch scene. It was also the start of the most terrifying period of her life.

The stalking began in 2019 when Brooke announced she was moving to California. It started with a single, almost laughable message: “You’re gonna cheat on your boyfriend when you’re in LA.” Looking back, it sounds almost absurd that Brooke’s nightmare started with something as banal as a cheating accusation by a stranger. When she first saw the DM, Brooke dismissed it and still does: “I live with Mason,” she tells me. “I’m with him every day.” A couple taps, a quick block, and it was out of sight, out of mind. But then the DMs snowballed. “It went from the messages being like, ‘Oh, you are this horrible person for cheating on your boyfriend’ to ‘Here’s your parents’ address. I’m chopping your mom up into pieces and mailing her to you in a box,’” she says.

One person became two, then three distinct harassers. Eventually, a handful of people were coordinating massive attacks, creating countless new accounts with obscure names for the sole purpose of hating Brooke. She recounts receiving hundreds of DMs a day, across multiple platforms — Twitch, Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter — that ranged from accusing her of being a bad person to revealing they had her personal information and threatening to kill her and her loved ones. Brooke once did the math with her mom to try and calculate how many accounts she’d blocked over the years. It was tens of thousands.

Sara Wong dress; Miista shoes; Zara earrings.

When she first approached police about the harassment, she was told to call back when the stalkers were on her property. So Brooke then asked platforms like Twitch, which has a harassment and misconduct policy, for help. Instead, she says she received a link directing her to an expert who could help scrub her personal info off the internet. That wasn’t an actual solution, she notes, since the stalkers already had the information. “I’m making you [Twitch] money, and you can’t even give me a thoughtful answer,” she recalls. “I feel like I asked for help so many times. I’ve talked about it on stream. I’ve tweeted about it. Like, can you guys do something?” A Twitch spokesperson declined to comment on the specifics of Brooke’s case, citing privacy concerns.

She started to take breaks from streaming to take care of her mental health, but things came to a head last summer. In July 2020, the situation became so overwhelming that she disappeared from social media and streaming without explanation. “I wouldn’t get out of bed. I wouldn’t eat. I wouldn’t sleep,” she says. “I just literally laid there because I was just so exhausted.” When she speaks about her mom driving 12 hours from Oregon to LA to pull her out of bed and take her home, she catches her breath. “I’m sorry,” she says, holding back tears.

After a month hiatus, she updated fans on Twitter that she had been “working through something incredibly painful and frightening on a personal level,” only to expand in October that the FBI and law enforcement had intervened. The FBI identified and began monitoring the majority of the stalkers, particularly the ones making the most violent threats. The efforts helped, she says, but as soon as one harasser would stop, another was ready to step in.

Brooke is adamant there were consequences for the people involved, and she is clear, as she recounts the past two years, that she doesn’t want anyone to think they can get away with any level of stalking. But it’s unclear if anyone was ever charged. When I ask Brooke what the stalkers’ consequences were, she hesitates. It turns out the majority of the keyboard warriors threatening her life were under the age of 18, and privacy laws protected the minors’ identities, meaning she still doesn’t know who was behind the hate. Now, Brooke has mixed feelings. On one hand, she doesn’t want to ruin a kid’s life. On the other, she’s been through hell.

“Why are you being protected over me? I don’t know anything about these people, and these people knew everything about me, and tormented me and harassed me and threatened me for years,” she says. “And I get it because they are kids, but it’s just so frustrating.” There is one consequence she does want them to feel the full weight of, though. “My life is completely different. I have PTSD. I have severe anxiety. I have depression. All of these things, and that’s because of you.”

Brooke’s story is just one of many. Sixty-eight percent of US gamers have reported experiencing “severe harassment,” including physical threats and stalking, while playing online, according to the Anti-Defamation League’s Center for Technology and Society. While men streamers have their own experiences with stalkers, like Destiny, who, in 2013, was famously DDoS’d for weeks, it’s women who are often subject to the most serious threats of rape, assault, and death. Last July, Twitch star SweetAnita, who doesn’t publicly share her real name, tweeted a screenshot of her stalker openly threatening her life with a weapon in her chat. The following month, another popular streamer, Janet “xChocoBars” Rose, tweeted, “I often think about how I will prob die by the hands of my stalker and no one can do anything about it until it really happens.”

As the leading livestream gaming platform, Twitch has worked to respond to community calls for better safeguards and improve its hateful conduct and harassment policies and tools. This past April, the streaming site announced it would ban users who harass others, even if the harassment takes place off its platform, and after a summer of hate raids plagued its platform, Twitch released a phone-verification feature in September to prevent unverified accounts from chatting. Last week, the platform launched a suspicious user detection tool to better identify users attempting to evade channel bans. “At Twitch, we strive to create safe, inclusive spaces where our Creators can flourish and build positive, healthy communities,” a Twitch spokesperson said in an email statement. “Safety is never an end state, and as long as the reality of malicious actors online persists, we will continue working to launch new safety updates and hold ourselves accountable through transparency reporting.”

Toxicity is endemic in gaming, and the way to a real solution to the harassment problem is unclear and feels impossible to achieve, says Haag, the 100 Thieves founder. “The internet has connected all of us in ways that I don’t think anybody could have ever imagined 30 years ago, and what comes with a lot of positivity is also negativity. I don’t think there’s ever gonna be bulletproof protection.”

Marina Leight top; Zilver skirt; Zara boots, $79.90, available at zara.com; Layers Of necklace.

Brooke has found ways to cope with the trauma and the ongoing harassment in order to keep doing what she loves. She started to see a therapist. She’s on medication for anxiety. And for every bad person out there, there are hundreds who have offered kind words and supported her. She specifically pointed to her boyfriend as a real source of comfort. “It’s hard to find the words to support her through those hard times,” Lanier says via email, “but I just tried my best to be there by her side, get her flowers, distract her, and just remind her how much I love her and everyone around her loves her.” (He declined to comment on Brooke’s stalking experience, citing safety concerns.) Brooke has also put in safeguards to protect her mental health and create boundaries between herself and her audience, including deleting her Discord server, where she used to spend hours responding to individual messages from viewers.

She also keeps much of her personal interactions with Lanier offline. While they appear on each other’s Instagrams and still shoot YouTube videos together for work, those early months of documenting every moment of their relationship for others are long gone. “It’s hard when your relationship starts in front of everyone, and they’ve been there from the beginning, the second you met. People feel like they’re entitled to information about you and about your life, but they’re not,” she says. “So I’ve definitely stopped sharing as much, bottom line, and just tried to be more private.” Their relationship might not be as public-facing, but the love is still there. “I love how much effort she puts into our relationship and how much she cares about me and how much she cares about everyone around her,” Lanier says. “Brooke has helped me experience life, and I love her.”

Her private life stays largely behind the scenes, but Brooke is unabashedly open and honest about her mental health struggles. While painting Bob Ross-esque landscapes on stream, she openly tells her chat she’s having a bad day, and on the particularly difficult ones, she gives herself permission to take a break. “I have my anxiety and my depression, but I’m still a happy person and I don’t have to let those things dictate how I feel every day,” Brooke says. “I still have those days when I’m not getting out of bed. But on the days when I’m feeling great, I want to be the best version of myself.”

One unintended upside to going public with her story has been hearing from other women who have had similar experiences. She now knows that her ordeal wasn’t personal — it was systemic, and reflective of just how difficult a time women gamers have online and IRL — and her harrowing experience has given her a direction. Brooke’s life goal isn’t to have the most Twitch subs or grow a multimillion-dollar business. She knows she’s privileged to have the connections and resources to find some form of resolution, so she wants to pay it forward. “I just want to help these women that need help,” she says. “Like, that’s my number one. If I could retire happy and be proud of one thing, that would be my one thing.”

For those around her, Brooke already is the voice of change in the gaming space. “I doubt she sees herself as a role model, but for so many women on the internet seeing the things that she has gone through, the shoes that she’s walking in, the path that she’s going down, she’s just the perfect example of who you should aspire to be like,” Haag says.

The stalking is still happening, but BrookeAB The Streamer is in “yes-mode” and ready to expand beyond gaming and add more beauty and fashion content to her arsenal. She recently shot a commercial for TikTok and attended New York Fashion Week, which she, of course, vlogged. But even though she’s made a living in front of the camera at home, she’s less interested in appearing on the big screen. “Through 100 Thieves, I have learned that my acting skills are so bad. I’m like, ‘What’s the line?’” she laughs, as she leans over and cups her hand behind her ear. She’s also cherishing the relationships she’s made through streaming. This past Saturday, she invited 20 of her closest creator buddies — who, despite the competitive nature of their business, really are friends — to celebrate and pamper them for a special girl’s night. The vlog is coming soon.

Brooke The Person, though, is all about taking care of her mental health and being the joyful woman that got her to where she is today. Despite everything she’s gone through — the death threats, anxiety, depression, and sleepless nights — Brooke is choosing happiness. “I know that I can be a positive light, and I know that I am that person,” she smiles, with the same light from our photoshoot. “I want to take care of myself and just continue to grow the relationships that I have and the people around me and just stay ‘heal-py’ — ‘heal-py?’ (laughs). Healthy and happy.”

If you are experiencing anxiety and are in need of crisis support, please call the Crisis Call Center’s 24-hour hotline at 1-775-784-8090. If you are experiencing depression and need support, please call the National Depressive/Manic-Depressive Association Hotline at 1-800-826-3632 or the Crisis Call Center’s 24-hour hotline at 1-775-784-8090.

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Welcome to Refinery29’s Feel Good Diaries, where we chronicle the physical and mental wellness routines of women today, their costs, and whether or not these self-care rituals actually make you feel good.

Are you an athlete? A former athlete? A wannabe or casual athlete? We’re interested in your Feel Good Diary! (We’re interested in your non-athlete-related diaries, too!) Submit with us here if you’re interested.

Have your own Feel Good Diary to submit? You can do so here!

Today: A freelancer living in Georgia spends this week working out at dance class, relaxing in the bath, and hanging out with her girlfriend.

Age: 24
Location: Atlanta, GA
Occupation: Freelance writer
Salary: ~$40,000/year

This diary was written in December 2020.

Day One

2:15 p.m. — I’ve recently become more interested in podcasts and decided to check out one called Real Pod by Victoria Garrick. She’s a body image advocate, and her content has helped me through my own struggles. I listen to about 30 minutes of her seventh podcast episode, featuring Elise Lougee, while I fold laundry. They talk about toxic body image and specifically the pressures within the dance industry. Their conversation makes me feel more calm and comforted.

While I’ll probably always struggle with body image to some degree, listening to podcasts that normalize those struggles and discuss body diversity and body positivity encourages me. By listening to Garrick’s podcast — and watching her TikToks — I’m able to gain insights that help when I’m actively struggling with body dysmorphia. This particular episode mostly emphasized how I’m not alone when it comes to body judgments from myself and others.

7:30 p.m. — I leave my dance class feeling tired, sweaty, out of breath, and happy. My mom pays for my dance classes, thankfully — they’re $135 for 10 classes per month. Exercise isn’t my favorite thing to do, but I love dancing specifically, and the serotonin it gives me. This class in particular is great because it’s not too complicated, the moves are fun, and the teacher has a fantastic sense of humor. I try to not compare my body too much to other students’. It’s hard. Instead, I’m trying to appreciate my body for the dancing it allows me to do. Now it’s time to drive home, shower, and take a couple puffs of my inhaler. I have asthma, but it’s not too bad. I use my inhaler as needed — sometimes at night, sometimes after working out.

Daily Total: $0

Day Two

3 p.m. — I take a bubble bath with Bath and Body Works’ Stress Relief soap — the eucalyptus and spearmint scent is one of my favorites. While in the bath, I read my copy of Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine. Books help distract me from my daily anxieties. While I love a good, suspenseful book, one thing I appreciate about Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine is how chill and even humorous it is. It allows me to feel like I’m living in a calmer world.

Reading in a bubble bath is one of my favorite ways to de-stress and spend my alone time. I could take them multiple times a day, for hours at a time — but I stick to three to five baths a week. After I get out, I feel relaxed.

9:30 p.m. — Since I struggle to fall asleep sometimes, I take a 10 mg melatonin gummy to help me drift off. I try to not take more melatonin than I need, but also take enough that it will work efficiently. The taste of this gummy isn’t my favorite, but it usually kicks in within 20 to 45 minutes, which makes it worth it.

Not being able to fall asleep quickly enough stresses me out — I start having negative thoughts at night. My partner, meanwhile, always falls asleep so easily, which makes me a bit jealous. I’m thankful my melatonin helped me physically and emotionally in that way.

Daily Total: $0

Day Three

9 a.m. — Usually around one morning a week, when my partner goes into the office, I like to work on my writing assignments over breakfast at Panera Bread. I always order a bacon, scrambled egg, and cheese sandwich on brioche, a chocolate chip muffie, and a Dr. Pepper for caffeine since I don’t like coffee. This breakfast makes my heart, my mind, and my stomach happy. I also enjoy working at Panera because I only have a lap desk at home; having a whole table to work at feels luxurious. In addition, the music they play at Panera — while loud — is relaxing. $9.80

3 p.m. — Every two weeks, I FaceTime with my therapist in my car for an hour. She isn’t covered by my new insurance, but she allows me to pay only $50, which is the lowest amount on her sliding scale — and the cost is well worth it. I’ve gone to therapy for years now because I believe it can be helpful, no matter where you’re at in your life. She’s helped me handle some relationship conflicts and encouraged me in my freelance work. After talking out all the struggles I’d made note of over the past two weeks, I feel empowered, relaxed, and relieved. $50

10 p.m. — For a few weeks now I’ve been going to my church’s Young Adult Connect Group to make friends and lean more into my faith as a Christian. This week, we talk about vulnerability, faith, and Brené Brown. While I usually get anxious when I have to talk in groups, I appreciate how my friends there encourage what I say and laugh at my jokes. In this group, I feel heard and I both learn and laugh a lot. It rejuvenates me and gives me something to look forward to every other week. I wish we could meet more often — but at least when we do, our meetings last a few hours, since they combine both normal conversation and topic-based conversation! Tonight, we all enjoy the dessert I brought, which I’d made over Thanksgiving.

Daily Total: $59.80

Day Four

6 p.m. — I finish up a 60-minute dance class at the same place I went to on Monday. This particular class is usually more difficult for me, mentally. I’m not as familiar with the moves, which can make keeping up with the choreography difficult. But the people there are funny and kind, and that makes me feel better.

As I get ready to shower, I enjoy the post-workout endorphins and celebrate what my body can do. I really enjoy these dance classes every now and then, but I have to be careful to not over-exercise. I make sure that I go to dance for my mental health and physical health, and not to lose weight, because that mindset has been harmful for me in the past.

8 p.m. — I reconnect with one of my best friends on FaceTime after a while of not talking. We weren’t mad at each other, she’s just not the best at texting back. Talking to her always makes me feel better, especially when I can share difficult situations with her and she validates my feelings. We talk about our relationships, our favorite TV shows, what we’d been up to, and life in general for a little over an hour, before we both become tired and decide to hang up. During our conversation, she mentioned wanting to be better at responding to me in a timely fashion. I’m glad she said that and I’m looking forward to more frequent interactions.

Daily Total: $0

Day Five

12 p.m. — My girlfriend and I try to take our women’s One a Day vitamins daily, but we often forget. While we’re making lunch, we notice the bottle and each take one. They don’t taste the best, but I believe I need one since I probably don’t get all the minerals and nutrients I need each day through what I eat. This multivitamin helps with heart health, gut health, hair health, and more. Taking these doesn’t usually change my well-being in a noticeable way — maybe since I don’t take them daily — but I still believe taking them as close to daily as possible is important and helps my health somewhat.

10 p.m. — While my girlfriend is playing a game with her friends, I masturbate in our bed, watching a video to help. I wasn’t particularly turned on beforehand, I just wanted something to do. We lost our vibrator and are waiting for the second to arrive, or otherwise I would’ve used one. Emotionally, I actually feel a bit lonely during and after — though physically I feel good when I orgasm. Unfortunately, sometimes sex-related activities trigger my sexual assault memories, especially when I’m alone. I struggle with this for a bit before I’m able to pull myself out of it. This wasn’t my best masturbating “session,” but they can’t all be.

Daily Total: $0

Day Six

1:30 p.m. — I wake up from a nap so I can watch The Bachelorette with my friend virtually. I’m feeling tired, but don’t want to sacrifice our special time. I haven’t had lunch yet and know that food will give me some energy, so I make mac and cheese with peas. This is a food combination that people have teased me for eating, but I love it and appreciate how it combines a few food groups into one meal. I’m also craving something fruity, so after watching the episode, I pull out my plastic jar of mandarin oranges and eat them while my friend and I talk.

On average, I grocery shop about once a week or once every two weeks. I spend around $70 for my partner and me, and we either take turns paying or split it 50/50.

9 p.m. — Relationships play a crucial role in my emotional well-being. I depend on my friends, and they’ve often helped me handle life’s tough situations. Three of my college friends and I usually FaceTime once a week to play virtual games or watch something on Netflix together. This week, we play Codenames and Scattergories, then watch the last episode of Jack Whitehall: Travels with My Father on Netflix, which makes us all laugh. I’m thankful that I have that time with them to look forward to, no matter what’s going on in my life.

Daily Total: $0

Day Seven

3 p.m. — My girlfriend and I wake up from a nap and continue to lie in bed for a few minutes before having sex. We both orgasm — orgasms give me the biggest oxytocin rush, and making her orgasm makes me feel good too. We do a great job complimenting each other while we have sex, which makes me feel more comfortable and attractive. As someone who’s self-conscious and struggles with body image, I especially appreciate her affirmations. After having sex, I always want to cuddle a lot.

9:30 p.m. — Before going to bed, my girlfriend and I take a bath together, using the “‘F’” bath bomb from the “Da Bomb Bath” brand. The lavender smell is calming, and makes me feel happy and extra relaxed. The bath bomb came with a message: “Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful.” Reading this reminded me to be grateful for the good things in life without focusing too much on the bad. Talking and joking around with my girlfriend in the bath also makes me feel happy in general and about our relationship, which is meaningful and plays a large role in my well-being.

Daily Total: $0

Weekly Total: $59.80

Reflection: My approach to wellness focuses primarily on my emotional and mental health. I’ve struggled with disordered eating before and today I don’t believe food has moral value, so I don’t place an emphasis on eating only “healthy” foods or anything like that. I also believe in the seven dimensions of wellness — spiritual, physical, emotional, career, intellectual, environmental, social — and do my best to take care of my entire self in certain ways, like going to therapy consistently. I don’t give in to diet culture ideals as often anymore, and I believe in Health at Every Size. I know health is more than just physical, and my wellness practices reflect that.

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It’s been a difficult year for skinny jeans lovers. In February, TikTok, Gen Z’s go-to platform, declared the It denim trend of the ‘00s “uncool” alongside side-parts and the laugh-cry emoji. Since then, it has left many millenials wondering, “What do I wear now?” Our suggestion: balloon jeans, also known as bubble and barrel pants. They’re loose, like the straight-leg styles that Gen Z approves of, but also boast a millenial-approved high-waist and tighter ankle hem. 

Even if you don’t base your wardrobe off what’s cool on TikTok, you have to admit: After almost two years of sweatpants, athleisure, and work-from-home comfort, performing the ever-seductive jumping-and-pulling dance to put on a pair of jeans so tight they might as well be leggings sounds less and less appealing Why not embrace styles like baggy jeans and parachute pants that will not only not make your legs feel like they are trapped in sausage casings but that are all over the biggest runways.

While the silhouette isn’t new — Tibi’s Brancusi pant and Totême’s barrel leg jeans have been part of the brands’ offerings for several seasons now —  this year, the look is more exaggerated and voluminous, making balloon jeans a cooler alternative to boot-cut jeans. This fall, many more mainstream brands, including Agolde, Madewell, and Cos, have jumped aboard the trend, too, with more styles available than ever before. For those who might be skeptical of the trend, brands like Frame, Eloquii, and Levi’s are offering styles that fall somewhere in between straight-leg and balloon pants with more curve-enhancing shapes rather than sharp angles.

By now, most skinny jeans lovers have countless day-to-night outfit formulas for their beloved denim trend. The reality is that nothing has to change with balloon jeans. You might want to take advantage of the current bodysuit craze (thanks, Skims) for a casual outfit that balances the fitted top with the jeans’ voluminous silhouette, paired with a set of sneakers for a day of errands, or a strappy heel to go out. For work, a pair of chunky loafers and an oversized blazer would do the trick.  

If you’re hoping for the 2022 return of skinny jeans — after all, fashion trends are cyclical (see: the return of the low-rise jeans) — we’re sorry to disappoint you: The spring 2022 runways were filled with baggy jeans, promising at least another six months of ‘90s-inspired styles. But, at the very least, balloon jeans will fill the time before skinnies make their eventual return. 

Make the most of the trend with some of the styles below. 

At Refinery29, we’re here to help you navigate this overwhelming world of stuff. All of our market picks are independently selected and curated by the editorial team. If you buy something we link to on our site, Refinery29 may earn commission.

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On her left arm, Twitch streamer LittleNavi has a tattoo of WASD, the four keyboard keys PC gamers typically use to move their characters. “It’s ironic, though, because my left hand is the hand that has lost the most function over the years,” says Lorelei, who goes by LittleNavi online to preserve her anonymity. She was diagnosed in her 20s with relapsing remitting multiple sclerosis, a chronic condition that affects her central nervous system. “I remember thinking, ‘I can’t believe I got a tattoo of the WASD keys, and I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to use the WASD keys again.’”

A digital accessibility specialist from Ontario, Canada, Lorelei is one of 15% of people in the world living with disability or chronic illness, according to the World Bank. However, 30% of US gamers identify as disabled, as do 20% of gamers in the United Kingdom, per research firm Newzoo. While much progress has been made in the gaming industry in recent years, there are still barriers preventing the most inclusive experience for those living with disabilities, from a lack of basic in-game features to a broader ignorance regarding the community. Disability means something unique to everyone, and no individual experience, even within the same diagnosis, is the same. In order to move the needle toward greater accessibility in gaming, we must continue to create (and play) games with assistive technology, dismantle stigmatized perceptions of disability, and challenge ableist beliefs surrounding gaming.

Accessibility starts with the development of games themselves, and thankfully certain studios from major and indie developers are prioritizing inclusive features today more than ever, often with the help of hired accessibility consultants. Ubisoft Toronto’s Far Cry 6 boasts an expansive accessibility menu of audio and interface options, from enabling closed captioning for all in-game sounds to outlining certain enemies and items in different colors for people with visual disabilities. Eidos-Montréal’s Marvel’s Guardians of The Galaxy offers a custom difficulty mode of gameplay, which allows players to tailor specific aspects of the game to their needs, from adjusting how much damage they deal to enabling auto-win events. These types of highly customizable settings are essential for meeting the needs of as many players as possible — and the more options, the better. “No one or two implementations will make anything accessible for everyone, because no one or two implementations would even make things accessible for one person,” says Lorelei, whose energy levels and accessibility needs fluctuate from day to day.

More recently, gaming equipment companies have also begun prioritizing accessibility in their device designs such as the Xbox Adaptive Controller and Logitech Adaptive Gaming Kit, which allow players to customize their gaming experience with programmable buttons and external peripherals. The QuadStick, a mouth-operated controller, gives gamers a hands-free way to play. Even packaging has become more accessible, as seen with the Xbox Adaptive Controller, which provides a seamless unboxing thanks to low-effort tear strips and tuggable loops. “When I first got my [Xbox Adaptive Controller],” Lorelei recalls, “my hands were barely functioning. Being able to open that box by myself was actually a big deal, and made me a bit emotional.” Other equipment, like a 3D rudder, which allows players to control their movement with their feet, weren’t specifically created for those with disabilities, but allowed disabled players to expand their game pools. “That’s one thing about us disabled folks,” says Lorelei, who re-binded her WASD keys to her 3D rudder, “we’re incredibly adaptive.”

But all that additional equipment comes at a literal cost. Accessibility peripherals, from controllers to switches, can cost hundreds or even thousands of dollars — or a “disability tax,” as it’s known within the community. That doesn’t include potentially having to hire someone to install the equipment if you are unable to do so yourself, or spending $60 on a new game only to discover upon initial playthrough that there is a mechanic you cannot perform in order to progress the story.

“Oftentimes, the people who most need accessible tech are the ones least able to access it,” says Lorelei. “If you have a disability that’s going to make it difficult for you to use a standard controller, that disability might also make it difficult for you to find regular employment. A lot of us in the disabled community are or have been on government assistance.” Organizations like AbleGamers and SpecialEffect, she mentions, are examples of charities helping provide adaptive equipment to those in need, making gaming more affordable for all.

Still, the steep cost of making gaming and streaming more accessible is worth the social connection and personal fulfilment to those living with disabilities, some streamers say. “Illness is isolating,” says Netherlands-based streamer Lauren Radford, or RaddersGaming, who spends most of her days at home ever since a case of tonsillitis during college sent her down a path of various illnesses, including myalgic encephalomyelitis (i.e. chronic fatigue syndrome) and fibromyalgia. After becoming sick, she started immersing herself in open-world games like The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, and eventually discovered a community of fellow gamers on Twitch. “I had lost everything. I was grieving my life, my education, my future. Then I fell into the gaming community, and I found a rope to cling onto,” says Radford, now a Twitch partner and full-time creator. “I’m not sure I would have been able to find such strong hope in any other industry. This was the most accessible thing I could have done, because I was doing it from my bedroom in my pajamas. I honestly don’t think I would have a career if I hadn’t found gaming.”

For Emma, a Netherlands-based Twitch streamer who goes by Emmagination, streaming allows her to create a safe space for fostering community and educating others. “Video games can be a facilitator into bigger conversations,” she says. Diagnosed with fibromyalgia and having recently accepted herself as a trans woman, Emma often speaks openly with her viewers about her personal struggles on stream, from her gender identity to mental health and disability support. In one particular instance, a regular chatter opened up to the community about accepting themselves as a trans woman, something they had not even expressed to their friends and family at the time. “That was a huge landmark moment for me in terms of what I wanted to do with streaming,” Emma says. “Growing up, gaming was always my chance to be the hero of the story, to be the person who can create change. Now, it’s become a very real power in which I can make a difference by helping other people and positively impacting their lives. It’s become a self-fulfilled prophecy.”

But life as a full-time streamer, especially for someone living with disabilities, can be mentally and physically draining, and for many, it’s not an entirely viable option. Ask most streamers how to grow viewership and you’ll hear the same advice: stream for long hours at a time, maintain a consistent schedule, and constantly put out content. “There is a lot of inherent ableism in the ways we tell people to become successful [in streaming],” says Florida-based writer and streamer Teona Studemire, or Tee_Spoonie. “I can’t stream for eight hours a day, I’m too sick. My illnesses are too inconsistent and unpredictable for me to be able to deliver in that way — and I shouldn’t have to.”

Putting your disability in front of a live audience that might not understand how to discuss or respond to disabilities can present challenges, as well. “There’s a barrier to the way that society perceives disability, in that they think it’s all or nothing. They think that someone who is in a wheelchair has to always be in a wheelchair a hundred percent of the time,” says Lorelei. “People will log into someone’s stream who is low-vision, see them read something with their eyes, and start saying others are ‘faking’ their disability or using it to get attention.”

On the flip side, some people will look at streamers with disabilities as “inspiration porn,” a term coined in 2012 by disability rights activist Stella Young, celebrating them solely on the basis of their disability in an objectifying manner. And that can be exhausting in other ways. “People will come into my stream and say it is inspiring that I play video games,” Lorelei says. “Is it? Tell me I am inspiring because I am talented at something, because I volunteer on boards and committees, because of the advocacy work I do — but don’t tell me I am inspiring for being in a wheelchair, for simply existing.”

As discourse around accessibility in gaming continues to grow, the vision of a more accessible gaming industry becomes clearer and clearer. “I want more legislation on accessibility,” says digital content producer Erin Hawley, or GeekyGimp, referring to protections like the Twenty-First Century Communications and Video Accessibility Act which requires accessible communication services in video games. “I want to see a director of accessibility on every staff that’s big enough to have one,” says Jay, a streamer, editor, and cosplayer who streams under the name ThatJayJustice. “If you are making triple-A games, where is your accessibility director? Who are they? What is their name?”

Intersectionality must be a guiding principle of every gaming company and corporation, as well, Lorelei says. “From square one, having a focus on diversity, equity, and inclusion — not only in hiring practices, but also in the ways that we design games and represent characters in games — will be a big first step that things will naturally build from.” What’s most needed though is a cultural shift in the larger gaming community that requires every gamer, disabled or not, to rally for change. “If an inclusive game with equal representation that is accessible to the vast majority of people is what most people want, that is the game we are going to get,” Emma says. “But we need to ask for it, and not just those who are affected by it.”

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“Having that raw, crisp aim, and you just tap and someone dies, is so satisfying,” Michaela Lintrup says, her fingers punctuating each word. Sitting on a black, red, and white #G2Army Secret Lab chair and crowned with a Logitech G Pro X Wireless headset, the Danish gamer has the magnetic energy that’s just the caffeine jolt I need for our Zoom call. It’s 2:30 a.m. my time in Los Angeles, but for the 24-year-old esports pro, it’s a half hour before noon when she passionately explains to me why first-person shooters (FPS) are her games of choice. “The competition in an FPS game is just unmatchable for me. I just love it.”

Lintrup has eight years of esports experience under her belt, playing in her first international event at the age of 16, competing at events like the Copenhagen Games and Dreamhack, and building her rep in Counter-Strike Global Offensive (CSGO), a highly competitive mechanics-driven FPS game that never had a woman reach the main stage of a major tournament. Avid CSGO fans will likely know her as “mimi” of Team Secret, but since October, she has repped G2’s samurai emblem. That’s when the Spanish organization signed Lintrup and the majority of her former TS teammates to create its first all-women’s team and compete as G2 Gozen in Riot Games’ Valorant, a team-based tactical shooter that combines CSGO mechanics with Overwatch character abilities.

Though women make up half of all US gamers, only 35% of people who play a game that’s considered an esport are women, according to a 2019 study by data firm Interpret, and the number of women professional esports players is even lower. But while men overwhelmingly make up the majority of organizations’ esports rosters, women are leading the rise in esports viewership. In 2020 alone, the number of women esports viewers in the US jumped from 23% to 36%, according to Interpret, a move largely driven by the increased visibility of women competing at the professional level and industry efforts to make the esports scene more inclusive.

In February, Riot announced Game Changers, an initiative to give women and nonbinary esports players a stronger platform and a direct pipeline into its Valorant tournament, the Champions Tour, and launched a three-tournament all-women’s series for multiple regions across the world. The program was widely praised throughout the gaming community, and Riot would go on to expand the format to its popular multiplayer online battle arena (MOBA) game League of Legends in September.

I spoke with Lintrup late November in the middle of her team’s second bid to claim the Game Changers crown for Series 3 of the Europe, Middle East, and Africa region (EMEA). In its first outing, G2 Gozen came in third after losing to TENSTAR Nova in the lower bracket, a sore point for Lintrup. “We should have gotten first,” Lintrup says. “God I hate losing so much.” Four days after our chat, Lintrup and her dominating Cypher plays would help G2 win the Grand Finals against Guild X.

Lintrup is among the few top players putting women on the esports map. But the question looming over the competitive landscape is how tournaments can become more reflective of the esports fanbase and offer more diverse representation among its players.

For Lintrup, the answer is complicated.

Refinery29: While women in gaming isn’t rare, what is rare is to see women who are at the top of the competitive scene. There must have been challenges in your own journey.

Lintrup: “One of the biggest challenges is, of course, the internet itself and all the people who just refuse to believe any woman can ever make anything of themselves and esports. It can be super hard because there are the people who will be like, ‘There is no difference if you’re a man or woman. You should be able to do the same things.’ But they’ll still think it’s embarrassing when a man loses to a woman. That’s probably like some of the biggest challenges you can face, the resistance from the boys just refusing to agree with a woman having any success. But there are way more supporters and people who just want to have the best for you. Because who doesn’t want to have a woman to play with and a woman to understand your passion? I’ve also faced a lot of people who say I don’t deserve what I get because they think they’re better than me in games, so they should get the opportunities that I get. But I also deserve it. Why not me?”

Let’s be real, anybody who’s hating on women in esports is probably in bronze or iron. Show up in a 1v1 and you would own them.

“Yeah, exactly. (laughs) I mean, the players on our team have been owning people in a 1v1. I would be sent out for a shootout in a 1v1 at a Danish tournament, and there would be people who are like, ‘Yeah, I can beat her,’ and then they don’t want to go because if they lose, like, wow, that would be embarrassing.”

It’s amazing to see orgs like G2 investing in women’s teams, but when you look at the tournaments with the highest viewership, which are often also the most marketed, they’re dominated by men. What will it take to get women players the same level of exposure?

“Women have been competing for many years, but just from five years ago, there has never been this many women in gaming. We had like 60 women teams sign up for Game Changers, and we’ve never ever seen that in CS, so having Valorant come into esports has been very, very healthy for the women’s scene. I’m sure that all we need is just time. With time, there will be more women playing with a bigger pool. There will be more talent to show and pick from, and in five years time, there’s for sure gonna be a woman on top playing on either a women’s team or a woman playing on a mixed team. Just now, I can queue a ranked game [in Valorant] and get another woman on my team. We just need time and patience and it will happen for sure.”

When Riot announced it would expand Game Changers to the EMEA region in September, the studio planned to introduce mixed-gender teams for Series 2. But Riot stepped back that decision after the community said the move went against the program’s spirit and mission to elevate underrepresented players. Do you agree?

“The idea [of mixed teams] is amazing, and of course that’s the way everyone wants it to go: men and women being able to play with each other on a team and compete. But it was just too early to have the second Game Changers be mixed. The European (EU) scene is already still lagging behind compared to North America (NA), especially the women’s scene.”

Well intentioned, but just not the right time.

“Exactly. There were also a lot of pros [who were men] who asked us, ‘Can you just move out two players so we can play with you?’ Like, that’s not what Game Changers is about. [Those players] just wanted to get some easy money.”

You’re saying that time is what’s needed to get to the place where we have mixed teams and tournaments. So is that the ultimate goal — an even playing field for everyone?

“That’s a hard question. It’s really hard to imagine [mixed teams and tournaments] because we’re so far away from it. Having women’s tournaments is, for now, really good because it encourages gamers to compete, be better, and take the next step. Mixed teams would be amazing, for sure, but women’s tournaments should still be a thing because there will always be the bully factor when you’re a woman in gaming. I don’t think that will ever change just because there are more women. When you’re a rookie coming into the game, it’s important to have a safe space where you can find other women gamers who are just like you.”

On one hand, you want it to be like, ‘We’re equally good at games, and we can compete on the same level,’ but on the other hand, there’s something really powerful and special about having 16 teams of all women competing for the same goal: to be the best.

“I think it’s very individual. I personally would love to play at the top level, and if that means it’s a women’s team, then it’s a women’s team. But if it means that I’m playing with four men, that’s fine with me. It really just depends on what your goals are, what you want to do, how competitive you are, and how willing you are to commit to something so serious.”

For you, what does success look like? What is that moment when you tell yourself, ‘I’ve done everything that I wanted to do in my career’?

“I really want to qualify for a major tournament. And I don’t even need to win it. I mean, obviously winning would be epic, but what I want is what has not been achieved. You have not seen a woman play in any major tournament. You have not had a woman really competing at the absolute highest level especially in FPS games. I really want that, and I would love for it to be with my current team, but I also know that if I ever got the opportunity [to compete in a major], there is just no way I could refuse that. For me, success is 100% achieving something that has not been achieved by a woman gamer. When I’m the one who has done something as The First, I feel like that’s being successful.”

I have to ask once and for all: EU or NA?

“Duh, EU!”

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.

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