In the summer of 1969, I was 10 years old and obsessed with the NASA Apollo Program that put a man on the moon. Nothing else in the news caught my attention like the live coverage of Neil Armstrong walking on the moon. To this day, I refer to being on the dark side of the moon as my way of saying I will be quiet.
Other newsworthy events during that summer were the Vietnam War and the Stonewall Riots. Neither really caught my attention until I was much older. I sometimes reflect on what might have been if I had paid attention to Stonewall—after all I already knew I was gay.
I remember growing into my teenage years with the heaviness of shame for being gay. In time the shame was my idle in everyday life. I defaulted to feeling ashamed, embarrassed, and fearful. I masked all of this as best I could at a young age.
The heaviness of feeling all of these negative emotions gave way to release in the context of my career in 1982. I came out in the first few weeks of a new corporate job and never looked back. (In fact, I came out at every job during my 35-year corporate career). Some of the shame had been lifted in that one act of coming out.
Throughout my career, I got involved in what are now referred to as ERGs: Employee Resource Groups. I was a founding member of the LBGT ERGs at least two companies and executive sponsor for another. There was a sense of belonging that came with those experiences that seemed to dissipate the shame. Being involved in the ERGs was the perfect complement to being out in my career.
My movement from shame to pride was accelerated when I attended my first Gay Pride weekend in New York City. By this time, I had already attended numerous pride events in Houston; however, New York was the epicenter of the gay rights movement. I watched the parade and felt an overwhelming sense of acceptance and pride by being surrounded by so many fellow LGBT people and allies!
My connection to the New York City Gay Pride events, sometimes overwhelms me. I was was there in June 1994, 1996, and 1999, for the celebration.
At the 1994 celebration—”Stonewall 25″—there was a collective sense of achievement among those of us who were there to acknowledge how far we had come as a movement since 1969. It was the one and only time I marched in the parade; I was in awe throughout the entire route. I was part of something amazing, and I felt it.
In 1996, I was on a business trip in New Jersey coinciding with Gay Pride Weekend. I made plans to go into the city and be a part of the celebration and festivities. The parade had a new meaning for me this time, knowing what it was like to march in it in 1994.
In 1999, I returned to be a part of “Stonewall 30.” Another five years had passed and some progress had been made in terms of equality. It was a more reflective time than the previous experiences. I was grateful for my personal transformation from shame to pride. Attending those Gay Pride Weekends in New York helped me to shed the shame, embarrassment, and fear that overwhelmed me.
Sadly, shame is something that we ingest as a result of the judgments, hate, and rejection of others. It is hard to spit it back out once it is inside us. It becomes insidious and we learn to cope and live with it until we decide otherwise. Shame left untreated leads to harmful acts to ourselves and others—including homicide and suicide at worst.
Pride, on the other hand, is developed by one’s own actions and accomplishments. It is striking to me that we can control our sense of pride no matter what issues we are struggling with in our life. Pride creates joy, satisfaction, and self-confidence. These positive emotions not only change lives but also change communities and even countries.
Being married to my husband today is something I could never have imagined while I was deeply entrenched in the shame of being gay—and yet our marriage is legal today. The hope that came with my sense of pride gave way to believing one day it would be a reality, and today it is indeed a reality. Marriage is one of the rights I have as a result of the Stonewall Riots.
My reflections on moving from shame to pride over the past 50 years of my life come with a mixed bag of emotions. I am grateful today that almost all of those emotions are positive. My life experiences and decisions have played a massive role in my living a happy and meaningful life: something that was thought to be impossible for any homosexual in 1969.
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