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What Your Number of Sexual Partners Says About You

“What’s your number?” is a question that many couples dread, yet still bravely pose in hopes of gaining insight into each other’s sexual pasts.

But tread carefully — too much information could leave your partner feeling insecure or uncomfortable once they’ve heard the answer. So are we obligated to tell our partners how many people we’ve slept with if asked? If it’s not brought up, is it even a conversation worth initiating? And do we have to be truthful when it does come up?

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According to a 2018 Superdrug survey of more than 2,000 men and women, 81 percent of respondents think your number is something you should talk about within the first eight months of dating, while 30 percent think a discussion of your sexual history is necessary within the first month of the relationship.

In the 2011 comedy “What’s Your Number,” Ally (Anna Farris) is beside herself after discovering a magazine article statistic that claims the number of men she’s slept with is alarmingly high. By the film’s end, she ultimately learns to embrace her number rather than stressing about it, but it’s the plot that points to a very relevant subject in today’s dating world: Your “number” can be a source of pride, shame or a whole range of other emotions. As such, sharing that number with someone else can feel vulnerable AF.

Before you go tallying up your hookups, there are a lot of things to consider to ensure that the conversation is productive as opposed to problematic.

Here’s everything you need to know about revealing your sexual history, and what your number of partners says about you.

Should I Tell My Partner My Number?

Dr. Dawn Michael, clinical sexologist and relationship expert, notes that once you’ve decided to tackle this subject, it’s important to be open and honest to the extent of feeling safe and supported. If it’s your partner that brings it up, Michael recommends digging into why they want to know.

“There usually is a reason,” she explains. “Perhaps they want a sex history because of STDs, but it’s necessary to go into the details or offer information that the other person is not asking for. If you really feel uncomfortable, you can leave that information out or shorten your response.”

If you’re the one asking, you should be prepared to talk about your sexual history, too. Additionally, Michael says that you can’t really predict how your partner will respond to your number. If they become jealous, shut down or otherwise react negatively, you’ll need to explore those feelings with them further.

“Each person is unique and there is no right or wrong answer about sharing your past sexual experiences,” she notes. “But if both people are mature and can deal with the information, then share away.”

Could My Number of Sexual Partners Be Too High or Too Low?

According to the aforementioned survey, Americans’ average number is around 7.2 sexual partners in their lifetimes. That said, the number ranges quite dramatically from state to state — the average for Louisiana residents was 15.7 partners, while it was 2.6 for Utah residents. It’s important to note that these statistics refer to the average number over an entire lifetime, and your number will be heavily impacted by factors such as age, location and upbringing. It’s next to impossible to determine whether a number is “normal” or not, but if it falls between 7 and 16, it’s on par with the rest of the country.

What If I (or My Partner) Have No Interest in Revealing Who We’ve Slept With?

There’s always a chance that your partner won’t want to disclose how many people they’ve slept with, either because they feel embarrassed about it, they’re worried it might change your perception of them or both. If that’s the case, you shouldn’t push them for information they aren’t ready to share. Keep in mind, however, that their hesitance to reveal their number may point to some trust issues. That’s why Dr. Joshua Klapow, clinical psychologist and host of “The Kurre and Klapow Show,” advises asking why they don’t want to talk about it.

“You can and should respect their right to privacy, but at the same time they should respect your request,” he explains. “This also comes down to why are you asking and why are they not telling. What benefit are you getting from knowing, and what benefit are they getting from keeping it from you?”

How Can I Make Sure This Conversation Is Mutually Comfortable and Respectful?

If you and your partner decide to tackle this topic, there are some ways to minimize the chances of any issues arising. First, having the conversation in the comfort of your own home is key. You also may want to wait to bring it up until your partner is calm (not after a stressful day at work, or when they’re rushing around for an appointment).

Also, be sure to keep things short, simple and to the point.

“While you are discussing how many [people you’ve had sex with], the intimate details are in your past and do not need to be discussed,” says Klapow. “This is a time to neither share too much information nor clam up. Respect boundaries, but also recognize that your willingness to answer the question shows your transparency and trust in your partner.”

What Does It Say About Someone Who Overestimates Their Number? What About Underestimating?

In the Superdrug’s survey, a whopping 41.3 percent of men and 32.6 percent of women admitted to lying about their sexual history. That’s no real shock — men were more likely to increase their number, whereas women were more likely to decrease it. This likely stems back to outdated social norms that put pressure on men to have more sexual experience to appear masculine, and put pressure on women to have less experience so as not to seem promiscuous.

A 2018 study published in “The Journal of Sex Research” also found that men are more likely to estimate rather than actually count their sexual partners, which could obviously suggest that their numbers are less accurate.

Clearly, it’s pretty common to fudge your number a bit, but what does that say about you? Whether you add or subtract a few sexual partners, it all boils down to insecurity. Either you don’t feel good about your sexual history, or you fear your partner will judge you.

“If you have been with hundreds of people with highly promiscuous behavior in the past, underestimating may help protect the feelings of your partner,” suggests Klapow. Honesty is the best policy, but it’s also about being considerate. Remember that over or underestimating calls your trust into question, which is critical to your relationship.”

That said, there’s a difference between being honest and showing off.

“Bragging about your past partners shows a lack of compassion for your partner,” he adds.

Does My Number of Sexual Partners Say Anything About Me as a Person?

The only thing that your number actually says about you, according to Klapow, is how much sexual experience you have.

“The reasons for the number is where the important relationship information is,” he says. “Did you develop sexual interests later in life? Did you have less activity for religious reasons? Were there sexual traumas? Were you promiscuous because you love sex or were you promiscuous to get attention?”

Ultimately, Michael notes that the most important thing is not the number itself, but how you feel about it.

“If you are uncomfortable or comfortable about it, that’s what counts,” she explains.

Only you and your partner can determine whether this is a conversation that’s going to prove helpful or harmful. When executed with caution, it’s a discussion that can foster intimacy and build trust. As long as you feel secure in your past decisions, as well as your current relationship, you should be able to have an honest exchange sans awkwardness, anxiety and judgement.

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9 Experience Gifts for Valentines Day to Keep the Spark Alive

A bouquet of roses will wither, a box of chocolates will be devoured and a piece of jewelry can go out of style. Fellas, if you’re looking for a Valentine’s Day gift that lasts a lifetime, you truly can’t beat an experience. There’s a slew of reasons why an experience gift is ideal for shaking things up. 

For one, it doubles as a bonding opportunity for you and your partner, allowing you to learn new things about each other and make new meaningful memories together. Not only that, but trying something new can push you out of your comfort zones as a couple — which, let’s be honest, is key to keeping things interesting in a long-term relationship. 

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The keyword here is novelty. A 2000 study in the “Journal of Personality and Social Psychology” revealed that couples who engage in fun activities together that are outside of the “norm” for them (something other than dinner out or a Netflix binge session), are more likely to report higher levels of relationship satisfaction. 

Lucky for you, there are countless experiences that would make killer V-Day gifts. All it comes down to is factoring in your partner’s specific passions, interests and preferences. For example, a museum tour would make the perfect gift for an art buff, while an annual pass to the United States National Parks is fitting for an outdoorsy type.

Need some inspiration? Here’s a handful of experience gifts that are guaranteed to re-ignite the spark this Valentine’s Day.

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Are you and your partner the competitive type? Consider looking into one of the thousands of reality game experiences that have popped up all over the country. Here’s the gist: You and your partner-in-crime have to manipulate objects in your surroundings to achieve a goal and escape the room within a designated amount of time. There’s something inherently thrilling about trying to conquer these challenges before time runs out, and you’ll no doubt grow closer while collaborating on a common goal. Plus, the rush you get when you win is unbeatable. To find one near you, just Google your city with the search term “escape rooms.”

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Whether you’re foodies who just appreciate a quality home-cooked meal or novice chefs who are seeking to enhance your skills in the kitchen,  a cooking class is a fun alternative to dining out. Not only will you leave with new recipes to remake at home, but the dishes will no doubt taste even better given that you made them yourselves. Cozymeal offers a range of cooking classes in cities all over the U.S. Some of the classes take place at the chef’s kitchen, but in some cases, you can opt to have the chef lead the class in your own home for maximum convenience. 

From traditional Italian and gluten-free Indian to Asian street food, there’s a wide variety of cuisines to choose from, and chefs can accommodate most dietary needs as well. Scope out the menus and book your class ahead of time, or you can buy a gift card and choose a class together at a later date. Most of the chefs allow you to BYO libations, so if the class permits, don’t forget to snag a bottle of wine to share while the chef coaches you through the steps. 

What could possibly be a better gift for the music fan in your life than a secret concert in an intimate setting? Sofar Sounds transforms unlikely spaces (like yoga studios, skate parks, rooftops and boxing rings) into live music venues, where guests get to check out a few different indie acts. They host gigs in hundreds of cities around the world, and you can check out the nearest shows on their website.  

Most Sofar shows are a lottery, so you have to apply for tickets a week before the event, and wait to hear via email if you’ve been invited. If you’d prefer to let your partner pick the date, you can also gift them two tickets to use whenever they please. You won’t know who’s playing until you arrive at the venue, but that’s the fun of the Sofar experience. And who knows? You just may discover some local acts that blow you both away. 

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If your partner is all about self-improvement, Masterclass is the ultimate gift of education. Collect some cooking tips and tricks from Gordon Ramsay, delve into the world of jazz with Herbie Hancock, or take guitar lessons from Carlos Santana. From filmmaking, acting, and music production, to poker strategy and photography, the possibilities are endless for picking up new skills via online videos and supplemental materials. You can either choose a single class to take together or purchase an all-access pass to keep the learning going all year long.

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What’s better than going out for a wine tasting? Hosting one in the comfort of your own home. Vinebox allows you to do just that — their mail-order personalized flights emulate the experience of a professional class. First, you’ll take a quiz to help Vinebox select wines that best suit their preferences. Each shipment includes a series of nine high-end wines in single-serving vials that you can sniff, swirl, and sip your way through together, using the tasting notes and pairing suggestions to enhance the learning experience.  It’s a great way to expand your palette together, and perhaps even discover a few new go-to varietals. And if you find a wine you both love, you can purchase a full-size bottle.

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Not sure what experience to gift your partner? Let them choose their own adventure with Cloud 9 Living’s Date Night Collection. Simply choose your city, snag a gift card and your partner will get to pick from a plethora of top-rated itineraries, ranging from bike tours and Sunday brunch cruises to glass-blowing classes and indoor skydiving sessions.

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There’s hardly a better way to reconnect while simultaneously satisfying your sense of adventure than with a scavenger hunt via Let’s Roam. You’re bound to stumble upon a few scenic spots you’ve never seen in your home city, and it goes without saying that there will be countless photo ops along the way. As an added bonus, you have the option to pause the hunt at any time if you want to pop into a bar for a quick bite or beverage. When you’re buying your pair of tickets for a single hunt, be sure to add the “Date Upgrade” to boost the romance factor. 

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Move over, Paint Nite, there’s a new boozy class in town — and you don’t need to have a green thumb to enjoy arranging Instagram-worthy succulent terrariums. Did we mention that you can down a drink or three to help get the creative juices flowing? Best of all, you’ll have a souvenir to take home as a reminder of your shared experience. Scope out The Sipping Plant and Yaymaker to find a Plant Nite near you.

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Sometimes, the best way to bond is by getting physical — like through the many dance classes offered by Xperience Days. Don’t stress if you have two left feet, because a private instructor will coach you through the basics of your dance style of choice step by step, whether you’re eager to learn salsa, tango or something else entirely. It’s a win-win, gentlemen: She’ll feel like she’s living out her "Dirty Dancing" fantasies, and you’ll feel like a boss busting out some new moves next time you’re out on the town or at a wedding.

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The Best Sex and Dating Podcasts to Up Your Game in 2020

Dating is difficult these days, and technology isn’t making it any easier. Thanks to countless apps and social media platforms, as well as a growing texting dependency, there are more ways than ever to land — and swiftly lose — someone. But just as technology can be your biggest foe, it can also be your best friend … at least when it comes to podcasts.

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All it takes is a quick pause of your favorite murder-filled crime story to know there are also plenty of podcasts that can with your love life, too. Some of them may divulge invaluable insight into today’s dating landscape, while others may offer up tips and advice as to what you’re doing right and wrong.

A common thread? A reminder that you’re not alone in your dating struggles.

Whether you’re single and casually swiping, looking for “The One” or already locked down in a long-term relationship, consider listening to one of these podcasts to sharpen your dating skills in 2020 (and beyond).

The Best Sex and Dating Podcasts You Should Be Listening to in 2020

How to Talk to Girls

If you’re looking to understand women on a deeper level, host Tripp Kramer, the guy behind the popular Youtube channel Tripp Advice, has a few priceless pointers. The best part? His step-by-step systems don’t involve elaborate routines or eye-roll-worthy pickup lines with a philosophy about being the best version of yourself, not someone else.

“HTTTG is about learning how to communicate with girls through a combination of practical steps for developing yourself towards your highest potential and eliminating the root of the problems with communication, fear and insecurity,” says Kramer.

Episodes range from “How to Eliminate Nerves Around Girls (Without Booze)” and “Destroying the ‘Nice Guy Syndrome’,” all the way to “Approaching a Girl When She Has a Boyfriend,” and “The Lazy Man's Shortcut to Getting Laid.” Whether you binge ‘em all or just skip around to subjects that strike a chord with you, you’re bound to come away feeling a tad more confident on your next date.

Listen here

Dating Kinda Sucks

The name of this podcast sums up its refreshingly frank perspective on dating today. Each week co-hosts Sarah G (a millennial dater) and Adam Avitable (an Orlando comedian) explore a wide variety of dating, sex and relationship topics, using anecdotes from their own recent and past experiences in the modern dating world to add a personal element to the conversations.

A highlight of this podcast is each episode’s varying range in tone, whether you’re seeking content that’s more serious (“The Aftermath: How to Recover From a Breakup”) or lighthearted (“Sending Nudes: A Guide to Who, What, Where, When, Why and How”).

Listen here

Date/able

Currently in its ninth season, pretty much no topic is off-limits on one of the longest-running dating podcasts in existence. While chatting with real daters about their personal experiences, Date/able hosts Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick fearlessly delve into everything from getting out of the friend zone and navigating long-distance relationships to sexual racism and sex droughts.

“You'll be able to see the dating process through other people's eyes and possibly challenge your own way of thinking,” explains both Xu and Krafchick. “And whether you’re DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of ‘OMG-that-also-happened-to-me’ to ‘I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.’”

Listen here

U UP?

What makes this podcast stand out is its ability to seamlessly provide both the male and female perspective on modern dating. After reading emails from listeners about awkward dating-related situations, co-hosts Jordana Abraham and Jared Freid dig into their own encounters and explore a variety of common conundrums in the 21st century, from deleting Instagram photos with your ex to sliding into someone’s DMs without seeming desperate. The goal? To have uncomfortable convos in a comfortable way. “You should listen if you want to have a laugh at the dating topics that might not have been so funny when you were dealing with them yourself,” advise the co-hosts.

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Kinda Dating

For those who prefer not to take dating too seriously, this podcast takes a humorous approach as to why so many daters have commitment issues.

Every week, host Natasha Chandel brings in a new guest to share their own unique perspective on dating and relationships. Notable past guests include comedians Vinny Fasline and Russell Peters, "How to Find Love in 60 Seconds" creator Brian Howie and psychotherapist Ken Page.

Whether you’re trying to decipher mixed signals from someone or wondering when you should become exclusive, this podcast offers practical guidance that just might boost your dating IQ.

Listen here

Savage Lovecast

Dan Savage’s call-in advice podcast has been up and running for 13 years, and with good reason. Doling out relationship guidance since his alternative weekly column launched in 1991, Savage is also responsible for coining the term “monogamish.”

Tune in to hear his humorous take on a diverse range of dating dilemmas, such as the caller who slept with their friend’s ex on one drunken evening, or the one who’s struggling to date someone with opposing political beliefs.

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Where Should We Begin? With Esther Perel

Ever wondered what goes down in a therapy session set for a couple? Whether you and your partner are toying with trying it out, or you’re just looking for ways to be a better partner, definitely listen to this podcast from couples therapist and bestselling author Esther Perel.

As real couples divulge the problems they’re currently facing with hopes Perel can navigate them issues with candor and care, you might learn a thing or two about what works (and what doesn’t) in relationships.

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The JTrain

How do you deal with getting ghosted by the same person twice? What about dating someone with kids? And do you know the best time of day for swiping on an app?

These are just a sampling of the listener questions that comedian Jared Freid answers on his podcast. After reading the questions called in or written via email, Freid and his fellow comic guests discuss their stance on everything from sexual insecurities to awkward dating app scenarios.

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RISE Together

If you’re going for #couplegoals status, consider this podcast your how-to guide. Co-hosts and power couple Dave Hollis and Rachel Hollis aren’t afraid to dig into the big questions.

About once a month, there’s a special episode during which you can expect a super raw and real discussion on anything from maintaining sobriety in your relationship to preparing for marriage. While not every episode focuses on romance — some cover more general personal development topics — every single one is applicable to your love life in some way.

Basically, if you’re in a long-term relationship and looking for a podcast that covers the hard-hitting questions, look no further.

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Ghost Stories

Is there any 21st-century dating phenomenon more prevalent (and frustrating) than ghosting? If you’ve ever secretly wished you could get some answers from that person who went MIA with no explanation, you may want to check out this unique dating podcast by Hinge. On Ghost Stories, co-hosted by comedians Sydnee Washington and Michael Yo, real people finally get to confront their ghosters.

“Once you hear both sides of the story, you begin to realize they’re humans,” Yo previously told AskMen. “Ghost Stories takes these shields down and features a person telling another how they really felt and you get a real human emotion.”

The podcast could inspire you to get some closure, or maybe it will offer a glimmer of reassurance that helps you to move on from your ghosting experience. Either way, you can guarantee it providing you with the tools you need to be honest with your dates rather than pulling a complete disappearing act.

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How to Support a Partner Who's Grieving a Loss

Being in a relationship means being there for your partner during tough times — like when a loved one passes away. As they grapple with a variety of complex and ever-evolving feelings, you may be left lost and helpless in terms of how to be most helpful. Should you allow them to ride the rollercoaster of emotions on their own, offering an ear to listen when they need it? Should you be more proactive in helping them to heal by seeking out potentially relevant resources and suggesting therapy?

RELATED: How to Talk to a New Partner About Your Mental Health

Unfortunately, grief is not a one-size-fits-all experience. Your partner’s reaction to their loss will depend on their own unique nature, as well as their relationship with the person they lost. That means that what works for someone else in terms of coping with grief may not be effective for them.

While the process of grieving is definitely individual and can vary, experts say there are certain strategies that may help your significant other to feel supported, loved and cared for during this vulnerable time.

How to Best Support Your Grieving Partner

According to Dr. Josh Klapow, a clinical psychologist, there is a wide range of emotions and experiences that can be common after a loss, including sadness, depression, anger, guilt, regret and emotional numbness. it’s important to prepare yourself for all of them. Doing some research online about grief may help you to understand what to expect, and therefore, to ultimately be a more compassionate partner.

As a general rule, Klapow says “less is more” when supporting a partner who’s dealing with a loss. While that doesn’t mean ignoring them, trying too hard to cheer someone may unintentionally invalidate their feelings. Ideally, you want to make sure your partner knows you’re there for them, while also giving them any space they need to process their feelings.

Rebecca Gerstein, a licensed clinical social worker and therapist who specializes in grief and loss, advises against forcing your significant other to open up about their grief if they aren’t ready and willing. However, she says that avoiding the subject of their lost loved one can be just as detrimental to the healing process.

“Don't assume that your partner doesn't want to talk about the person who died,” she explains. “A lot of well-meaning partners don't bring up the person for fear that this will be triggering.”

While it can be painful to talk about the person they lost, acting as if they never existed may prove even moreso. While you’re at it, you may want to be careful about how you talk about your own loved ones during the grieving process.

“It's important for a partner to be mindful about how much they speak to their grieving partner about their mom, dad or sibling if the partner has lost a mom, dad or sibling,” adds Gerstein.

If your partner just lost their sister, complaining to them about your own sister or venting about a fight you had with them may be painful to hear. Gerstein also urges non-grieving partners to mark down important dates on their calendar relating to the lost loved one — heir birthday, the day they passed away and so on. Being aware of these dates will allow you to be more in tune with any re-traumatization that occurs around those difficult times.

Therapy can also be a powerful tool during this time, but you shouldn’t pressure your partner into seeking it out. Deciding to talk to a mental health professional is a move your partner will need to make in their own time, and pushing them to do so may cause tension in your relationship or potentially breed resentment. According to Klapow, waiting at least a month to allow your grieving partner the freedom to explore their emotions on their own before bringing up the subject of therapy.

“If they are struggling after a few weeks to engage in normal activities (work, school, getting out of bed, eating, sleeping, etc.) then it may be time to let them know that you are concerned about them,” he says, noting that the only exception is if you believe your partner may harm themselves.

“If a partner is suicidal or is an imminent threat to them then getting emergency help is important,” he adds. “Otherwise, processing grief must occur at an individual pace.”

If you do eventually propose therapy, it should come in the form of a question or suggestion rather than an order. Saying, “I think you really need therapy,” which could come across as a judgment, is likely to put your partner on the defensive. Instead, try approaching it with genuine concern. You might say, “I’ve noticed you seem to be having a hard time moving forward from your loss. Do you think it would be helpful to talk to a therapist?” If they’re on board with the idea of talking to a professional, Gerstein recommends looking into therapists to take some of the burden off your partner.

“For a lot of people finding the right therapist is overwhelming, so doing the legwork to find a therapist, a group (or both) may be beneficial,” she says.

It wouldn’t even be a bad idea to accompany your grieving partner for the first couple of sessions. They may prefer to talk to a counselor alone, but at least they’ll know the option is on the table. Also, after learning the circumstances, the therapist may be able to provide some super insightful guidance for you on how to be most helpful to your partner.

If you're really not sure how to support your partner during this difficult time, the best thing to do is simply ask them what they need from you. Regardless of how you choose to support them, however, patience is key.

“I always say this is a marathon and not a race, so as a partner, you really have to be in it for the long haul,” says Gerstein. “We live in a mastery culture that expects people to ‘get over’ loss quickly, so being mindful that it takes way longer than most people think. The goal is not to help your grieving partner find ‘closure,’ but to make meaning out of the loss.”

As you attempt to take care of your partner during this painful time, remember that you also need to take care of yourself — in other words, putting on your own oxygen mask first. Taking care of your physical, mental and emotional needs ultimately means that you have more energy and emotional bandwidth to be as supportive as possible.

The grieving process is not a straight line. Your partner may make immense progress, and then begin struggling with the loss again. As Gerstein says, the best thing you can do is be willing to “show up and sit in the discomfort.”

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5 Signs You Have New Relationship Anxiety (and How to Overcome It)

Starting a new relationship can feel very much like a rollercoaster ride, leaving you exhilarated and terrified at the same time. Every text you receive gives you a high, every moment full of new feelings and experiences. But just as every roller coaster has its peaks and valleys, getting serious with someone new can have its pitfalls, too. Do you constantly find yourself worrying that things won’t work out? There’s a term for this phenomenon: new relationship anxiety.

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To be clear, it’s fairly normal to feel anxious during such a vulnerable stage, but if left unchecked, that anxiety can fuel a slew of insecurities, fears and doubts that’ll control the rest of your actions.

“Everyone suffers from some degree of new relationship anxiety if they want the relationship to work,” explains NYC-based relationship expert and dating coach Susan Winter. “The higher the stakes, the greater the anxiety. And if your fears overtake your emotions, you can sabotage your chances at romance.”

Don’t stress, though — experts say there are ways to squash it. Here are a few common signs that you’re experiencing new relationship anxiety, along with some tips on how to overcome it.

5 Signs That You’re Experiencing New Relationship Anxiety

1. You’re Constantly Editing Yourself

If you find yourself deleting and rewriting your texts often, or otherwise editing what you say in front of your new partner, you may be experiencing some anxiety around your new relationship.

“You’re afraid to reveal your feelings, and afraid to show your hand,” says Winter.

This behavior often stems from trust-related issues, meaning you fear that if you just act like yourself, your new partner will bail out. So instead, you choose your words very carefully as a means of protecting yourself.

2. You’re Slowly Turning Into a Chameleon

If you’ve seen “Along Came Polly,” you know that pretending to be someone you’re not just to win your love interest over never works (especially if you have IBS and go out for Indian food). But if you’re experiencing new relationship anxiety, that may be just what you resort to doing. Deep down, you’re worried that they won’t like you, so you try to be what you think their ideal partner is.

“If they like hiking, you pretend you like hiking,” says Winter. “If they like spicy foods, you pretend you like spicy foods. You amend and contort your behavior to match your imagined version of what they want.”

This isn’t only self-destructive, it’s also ineffective. After all, your partner is bound to catch a glimpse of your true self eventually, and your dishonesty could be a red flag for them. It’s worth digging deep to ask why you’re so worried that you’re not enough. What would it feel like to date someone who likes you for you?

3. You’re Obsessing Over Whether You’re Doing Things “Right”

Does texting twice in a row make you seem overeager? Are you spending too much time together? Is it too soon to ask her to meet your parents? Letting yourself get stressed out over these kinds of questions is a super common sign of new relationship anxiety.

Sure, being cautious of how you act and what you say in the beginning of a relationship is fine, especially if you’re really invested in it, but constantly obsessing over what you “should” be doing can suck the joy out of this first phase. Not to mention, it’s super exhausting to give in to this kind of thinking. Note that there is no right or wrong when it comes to relationships, and each one moves at its own unique pace. Besides, one of the benefits of dating nowadays is that there are no rules.

4. You Never Disagree With Anything Your Partner Says or Does

Being overly agreeable is another sign of new relationship anxiety. Disregarding your feelings in an attempt to keep the peace typically means you’re concerned that being honest with your new partner could put the relationship at risk.

“You pretend you’re not bothered by them being late,” explains Winter. “You pretend it doesn't bother you that there was a lapse in texting. You want to play it cool. So you edit your behavior and each step is taken cautiously, as though you’re walking on eggshells.”

Disagreements are healthy, so take note if you’re regularly avoiding conflict or otherwise hiding your opinions.

5. You’ve Turned Into a Social Media Stalker

Thanks to Instagram, Facebook and the many other social media channels at your disposal, it’s all too easy to know what your partner is doing at all times. While it may be tempting to constantly keep tabs, it’s best to keep that creeping to a minimum. If you find yourself checking their social media profiles on the daily, that can point to some new relationship anxiety.

“You’re operating out of fear of the unknown, hunting for clues that reveal red flags,” explains Winter.

Ask yourself what exactly you’re looking for. What are you afraid that you’ll find? Your anxiety might be bringing up some deep-seated trust issues, and it may be worth exploring where those stem from. Were you betrayed in a past relationship? Has your new partner given you reasons not to trust them? Understanding the source of your distrust will help you to tackle the anxiety that’s driving you to your social media sleuthing ways.

How to Try and Overcome Your Relationship Anxiety on Your Own

As the name suggests, new relationship anxiety isn’t likely to last forever. In fact, it may wear off on its own after you’ve been dating for an extended period of time and built up a sense of security. That said, there are some strategies you can use to reduce your anxious thoughts and feelings.

“Awareness is the key to dismantling new relationship anxiety,” says Winter. “You need to cut yourself a break while also utilizing tools to manage your fears.”

Winter suggests working on building up trust — for one, trust in yourself that you have the resilience necessary to explore this new relationship freely, no matter how it pans out. Also, it’s important to trust your partner enough to be genuine without fear that they’ll leave. If you lose someone just because you showed them your true self, they probably weren’t worth the anxiety anyway.

One of the most effective tactics you can use involves re-framing your thoughts. Winter notes that imagining a positive outcome rather than a negative one can put you in a positive mindset, thus helping to alleviate and even prevent some of your anxiety. For example, if you find yourself having an anxious thought along the lines of, “She must not have called me back yet because she’s lost interest,” try to mold it into a positive alternative. The more you make a conscious effort to rewire your thought patterns in this way, the more this kind of positivity will become second nature, and the less likely anxiety is to creep in.

It’s totally normal to have a little bit of anxiety when you’re dating someone new. Just don’t let it completely destroy your confidence in the relationship. After all, as previously stated, a new relationship is like a rollercoaster, and you deserve to enjoy the ride.

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Stashing, Vulturing and More: New Dating Trends to Watch Out For

Terms like “ghosting” and “benching” have not only grown in popularity — most have experienced them firsthand, only it was too late to realize it. Now, thanks to things like dating apps and social media, that glossary has grown tenfold, and there’s a slew of other terms to get familiar with.

While they can range from harmless and hilarious to a bit on the vicious side, understanding what they mean will only give you a leg up when it comes to operating the ever-changing world of dating and relationships.

RELATED: Is Benching the New Ghosting?

Find yourself a bit lost when it comes to new jargon of this variety? That’s where this list comes in. We enlisted relationship expert April Masini to help define all the new dating terms you need to know.

1. Vulturing

Just like a vulture circling its wounded prey, some people out there can sense when a relationship is on its last leg. That’s their signal to swoop in, using that opportunity to pick up the pieces and make everything better. As you can probably guess, that’s how the term “vulturing” came to be.

“When people sense a relationship is on the rocks, they may start to circle their prey — the person who is about to break up or divorce — in order to be able to date them or just sleep with them,” explains Masini.

It’s important to note that simply waiting and hoping for a chance with someone who’s in a flailing relationship is not necessarily vulturing. The distinction here? When someone is vulturing, they are specifically taking advantage of someone who is in a weak or vulnerable state.

2. Throning

If you’ve ever had a suspicious feeling that someone was dating you just to take advantage of your VIP status at a club of sorts, you may very well have been throned. Think of it as another form of gold digging that extends beyond wealth. Past the money aspect, this person wants to reap the benefits of your reputation and status, too.

“It’s a behavior used to increase your own power simply by dating someone who already has it,” says Masini. “Throning is most obvious when one person in the relationship has significantly less power and status than the other.”

According to Masini, his type of relationship has little chance of surviving for very obvious reasons: One person is in it with an agenda, and the other person is bound to feel taken advantage of once they figure out what’s going on.

3. Zombieing

Ghosting, when someone cuts off communication with zero explanation, is bad enough. It can leave you feeling hurt and confused as to why things ended without any sort of warning. But when, out of the blue, they come back to life with a desire to rekindle that old flame you once thought to be dead, they’ve taken things a step further than ghosting. Say hello to zombieing.

Your zombie may get in touch with you via DM, text or by seeking you out in person. Hearing from someone who totally dipped out on you can bring up some conflicting feelings, but if you’re looking for a positive, the situation does have the potential to offer some clarity or closure.

“It gives both people another shot at the relationship,” says Masini. “And if the person who’s zombieing feels that they made mistakes or left things unsaid, it’s an opportunity to speak up and apologize.”

4. Pocketing/Stashing

So you’ve been seeing someone for a while. Although things are going really well — you hang out regularly, your connection seems strong and it’s obvious that you’re compatible in several ways — you’re a bit curious why you still haven’t been introduced to any friends or family. Well, that might mean that they’re pocketing (or stashing) you.

This typically happens when someone is uncertain about where a relationship is going, keeping you on the DL for a period of time while they try to figure out how they feel.

“People who pocket or stash their dates do so in order to control the relationship,” explains Masini. “They may do this because they’re not serious and they don’t want you to know that, so they keep you from friends and family who would clue you in to the fact that you’ve never been mentioned. Sometimes, people who do this are actually married or living with someone, and they’re trying to keep you from learning that.”

That’s not to say that taking some time before you introduce someone to your loved ones isn’t normal. Let’s be clear: Just because someone you’re dating isn’t ready to do that doesn’t mean they’re pocketing you. But if you get the sense that they’re deliberately hiding you from their immediate circle with no real explanation, or even going as far as lying about their whereabouts to avoid having you meet them, that’s a different story.

5. Orbiting

Is there anything more confusing than someone ghosting you, only to show face by doing things like commenting on your Instagram posts and watching your Snapchat stories? Unlike with zombieing, there’s no text to try and make amends. In this case, they just pop up in your notifications as someone orbiting you would.

“They’re in your orbit, but you don’t have any direct contact with them,” says Masini. “This can be particularly frustrating if they avoid your efforts to connect one-on-one, but they’re all over your social media accounts.”

While it can be easy to start obsessing over what the oribiter’s behavior means, Masini says it’s best not to read into things too much. After all, if someone really wants to date you, they’d probably make more of an effort than tapping on a “like” button.

6. Curving

There’s being direct with someone you’re not interested in … and then there’s curving. According to Masini, this entails rejecting someone in the most passive way possible.

When someone says they want to hang out soon, but always seems to be busy when you try to make plans (or just cancels plans last minute), they may be using this cop-out of a strategy. Unlike ghosters, people who resort to curving don’t disappear — they just keep coming up with new excuses to dodge you.

Don’t waste your time on people like that.

7. Instagrandstanding

This trend is all about attention. As you’re eager to get your crush to notice you, you start tailoring all of your social media posts to make yourself seem more appealing. An example would be sharing how pumped you are for that big hockey game … even though you hate sports. Maybe there was casual mention of a love for IPAs, so you hit up the nearest brewery ASAP. It’s a bit like a thirst trap, but less racy in nature. The idea is that you’ll get their attention, and hopefully inspire them to comment or message you.

Masini says that while Instagrandstanding can actually be pretty effective, it’s easy to come off as inauthentic. If you’re posting a bunch of things you actually have zero interest in, it’s inevitable for that to come out.

8. Kittenfishing

Catfishing, the act of cultivating a false persona to lure someone in, is very similar to this next trend. According to Masini, kittenfishing refers to someone misrepresenting themselves on their dating apps by lying about their interests, career or appearance.

If you show up to your first date only to be towering over the person who claimed to be over 6 feet, or their appearance clearly suggests they’ve used photos from 10 years ago, you’ve officially been kittenfished.

“Anyone employing either of this dating behavior is missing some important self-esteem and wasting your time,” says Masini. “It’s much better to be honest with yourself and others, so you can find someone who will be a good match for the long run.”

9. Marleying

According to a 2017 study by eHarmony, one in 10 singles are contacted by exes hoping to rekindle things around the holidays. And if you think about it, it makes sense — that hit of winter nostalgia may inspire someone to reminisce about good times from their previous relationship. Not to mention, social media feeds tend to be packed with end-of-year gatherings and work parties where you’ll most likely want a date to bring.

There’s where Marleying comes in. The term refers to Jacob Marley, the ghost who haunts Scrooge in “A Christmas Carol.” But before you get too excited about your ex coming back into the picture, be sure to take note of their true intentions.

“It could be dating simply for convenience, and you don’t realize you’ve been Marleyed until the holidays are over — and so is the relationship,” warns Masini.

10. Roaching

Just as when you spot one cockroach, there’s probably several more out of sight, roaching is when someone secretly dates a slew of other people even thought things were exclusive. The worst part? When you bring up the implied exclusivity, they act clueless.

“You’re essentially playing the field, but hiding that fact from a partner,” says Masini. “When they confront you, you remind them that there was never any monogamy agreement to begin with.”

If you feel like you’re being roached, have a direct conversation about exclusivity instead of relying on an assumption. In the age of dating apps, it’s all too easy to keep evaluating your options while you’re casually dating, and until you clearly define the relationship, there’s always the risk of it happening to you.

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The Dos and Donts of Starting an Office Romance at Work

If you’ve ever been tempted to strike up a workplace romance, it’s not all that surprising of a concept. Research shows we fall for people who are similar to ourselves, and coworkers are likely to have shared passions and skills. Not to mention, we spend more than one-third of our waking life at the office, meaning the odds are good that you’ll catch some feels for a colleague eventually.  

But here’s the thing — dating a coworker is risky territory. Not only do you have to worry about relationship drama affecting your work, but if things go south, you’ll have to deal with some pretty awkward elevator rides for the foreseeable future. 

RELATED: Thinking About Getting It On in Your Office? Here's What It's Like

“If you break up, you have to face this person daily,” explains relationship expert April Masini. “This makes moving on, as well as working efficiently at your job, a problem.”

All that said, there are lots of rewards to striking up an office romance, too. As Masini points out, it’s a lot easier to date someone when you have similar work schedules, and observing someone at work gives you valuable information about their character, their work ethic and their passions. 

In other words, it can be worth the risk to date a coworker … provided you tread carefully, that is. Here are some dos and don’ts to keep in mind to ensure your love life doesn’t negatively impact your professional life.

How to Date a Coworker Without It Causing a Problem

Do: Research your company’s policy

A lot of companies have specific policies for workplace dating. Some may prohibit it entirely, while some may allow consensual relationships between two people who are not in a manager-employee role. 

Before you proceed with dating your coworker, do your due diligence by finding out what, if any, restrictions are in place. After all, violating these policies could jeopardize your job. If your employee handbook isn’t clear on these policies, you can talk to HR for some clarification.

Don’t: Indulge in PDA at the office

Resist the temptation to snag a quick smooch at the water cooler or hold hands as you walk down the hall to the company meeting. Not only is it unprofessional, but it could make your coworkers feel uncomfortable. 

“As exciting as it may be, it’s important to try and separate work and romance,” says Masini.

Do: Be deliberate about pursuing a relationship

It’s crucial that you don’t act impulsively when it comes to an office romance; there’s far too much on the line. In other words, casual hookups and work simply don’t mix. That means it’s important to have an open and honest discussion when it comes to defining the relationship to ensure that there are no misconstrued feelings that bleed into your day-to-day at work.

“It’s easy to crush on someone at work, then to have a few too many cocktails with coworkers after a long week and start sleeping together,” says Masini. “If you’re seeing someone from your office, try to maintain a structured dating life away from the office.”

Don’t be afraid to delve into the tough questions, too. The more you keep the line of communication open, the better prepared you and your partner will be to face any possible scenario. Will you tell your boss about your relationship, and if so, how and when? What happens if you break up? Will you both be able to stay at the company? 

These are the things you should be asking (and hashing out) together.

Don’t: Date someone who works above or below you on your team

As a general rule, it’s best to avoid dating someone who you report to, or who reports to you. That could be your direct manager, a higher-level executive or the newly hired intern.

“You may be accused of favoritism or of being the beneficiary of favoritism,” explains Masini.

Not only that, but if things don’t work out and you leave the company, you may be hesitant to ask for a reference because of the note you went out on. It’s best to think of the future before making such a quick decision in the moment that could affect you in the long run. 

Do: Keep your relationship drama out of the office.

If there’s one thing to avoid, it’s letting your arguments bleed into work. Not only will it likely take a toll on your work performance and productivity, but it’s bound to make colleagues feel awkward, and may negatively affect their perception of you. 

Wait until you leave work to reprimand them about something that happened back at your apartment. And while you’re at it, wait to ask them where they want to grab dinner or to discuss your romantic weekend getaway. 

The more you can keep work and play separate, the healthier your dual working-romantic life will be. 

Don’t: Do the walk of shame to work

Showing up to the office in the same clothes you wore yesterday is not a good look. That’s why Masini suggests always being prepared with a change of clothes at your partner’s place, in your car or in your office bag/backpack. It’s an easy way to avoid looking like a disheveled mess if you crash at your significant other’s place without heading home first before work.

Do: Take advantage of the perks.

Want to split the ride to work? How about getting lunch together if you have breaks that line up? Go for it. As long as you remain professional from the moment you walk into the office to the moment you leave, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t enjoy the many conveniences that come along with your situation.

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7 Things You Need to Know If Youre Dating Someone With Kids

Dating someone new definitely has its challenges: assessing your compatibility, getting comfortable enough to let your guard down, discovering your differences, and coping with new relationship anxiety. Add a kid or two into the mix, though, and it’s a whole different ball game.

RELATED: How to Nail Being a Modern Working Dad

“Dating someone with kids is a package deal,” says NYC-based relationship expert Susan Winter. “Even when your date has limited or partial custody, their children play a significant role in their long-term partner selection process.”

Not only will their kids probably play influence who they allow into their lives, but it’ll probably affect how they function in a relationship, too.

“They have people that physically and emotionally need them in order to survive,” explains Mike Goldstein, founder of EZ Dating Coach. “You will always be priority number two, no matter how hard you fight for the top spot.”

So if you’re in the midst of getting to know someone with children from a previous relationship, here are a few different things to kind in mind before you get too deep.

1. You may not get as much quality time alone as you’d like

If you’re the kind of person who requires a lot of attention from your partner, you’ll need to come to terms with the fact that other people are also vying for their time. Just how much room they have in their calendar for you will depend on how many kids they have, as well as what their ages are.

Chances are you won’t be able to plan date nights as often as you’d like. Keep in mind, however, that this could also be a positive thing.

“If you love your alone time, this will be a huge bonus for you,” says Goldstein. “And if you enjoy planning, this will be a great exercise in coordination to work around each other’s schedules.”

2. Keeping it casual probably isn’t an option

Point blank, a single parent is more likely to be looking for something serious when dating around.

“Dating involves the possibility of integrating a person into the family system,” explains Winter. “This is done with caution, over time, and with much consideration.”

This is why you should be sure to clarify your intentions early on before you meet their kids.

“It's important that their kids not be exposed to many people coming in and out of their parent's life,” adds Dr. Gary Brown, a prominent couples’ therapist in Los Angeles.

On the plus side, as those dating with kids tend not to take the situation lightly, you can rest easy knowing that they’ll be in it for the long haul.

“You get the almost automatic benefit of knowing that the person you are dating is into you because time is precious in their lives, and they will likely not want to spend it with you unless they think there is something meaningful there,” adds Brown.

3. You probably won’t meet the kids right away

Don’t be alarmed if your partner isn’t ready to introduce you to their children right away. After all, they will likely want to make sure the relationship feels stable and you’re both on the same page about the future.

“Parents are naturally protective of their kids and need to screen who they are dating before introducing them to their children,” explains Brown. That’s why he says to make sure you “avoid the tendency to try and push for a premature commitment on their part.”

“You will likely need to take things somewhat slower.” adds Brown.

Rather than pressuring them to let you meet the kids, focus on doing whatever you can to build trust. By doing that, you’ll help them feel ready to take that step.

4. Be prepared for plans to change on a dime

Kids add a certain element of unpredictability to life, so at some point, your partner may need to bail on date night at the last minute.

“Anything can happen that will alter your plans unexpectedly,” explains Winter. “Health issues, school or behavioral problems can eliminate that romantic holiday you booked months ago. That’s why you have to have a flexible disposition to date someone with kids.”

Try not to take it personally when they need to take a rain check. It’s not that they don’t value their plans with you ... it’s just that their kids come first.

5. Being spontaneous won’t be easy

And speaking of plans, the best way to handle dating someone with kids is to choose specific dates and times to meet up. As much as you may want to whisk them away for a weekend, that probably isn’t realistic. After all, they may need to make special arrangements in order to spend time with you.

“The two of you may not be able to act as spontaneously as you might like,” says Brown. “That doesn't mean that you can't have a night out or a weekend away. It simply means that you will have to take the logistics of child-care into consideration.”

6. The way to their heart might be through their kids

When you start connecting with your partner’s children, don’t be surprised if you see a smile whenever you’re around the little ones. Basically, that twinkle says they’re falling, as for most parents, seeing someone bond and build trust with their kids only strengthens their decision to be with you.

“Your [partner] may very well appreciate it if you take a genuine interest in their children,” says Brown. “This will likely earn you bonus points as their children are very central to their lives.”

On the contrary, Winter notes that if you don’t get along with your partner’s children, that could create some friction that jeopardizes your relationship. While you don’t need to win them over right away, you’ll eventually need to be able to coexist peacefully.

7. Don’t expect constant contact

With technology at our fingertips, we’re used to getting immediate replies to texts, social media messages and so on. But when you date someone with kids, you’ll need to adjust your expectations for response times a bit.

“When you're a parent, your time isn't always your own,” notes Brown.

There may be times when your partner is tied up caring for a kid who isn’t feeling well, or helping them with their homework. That means it’s important to understand that they won’t always be able to get back to you right away.

Clearly, there are distinctive drawbacks that come with dating a parent, but there are also numerous benefits as well. Goldstein notes that parents often have a certain level of patience and selflessness that can definitely play to your advantage in a romantic relationship. Not only that, but Brown points out that you’ll have the opportunity to see a different side of your partner. Their title as a parent will allow you to learn a lot more about their character and values early on just by observing how they interact with their children.

“There is always the possibility that you may fall in love not only with the person you are dating, but their kids as well,” adds Brown.

Dating someone with kids can be an incredibly unique and rewarding experience — as long as you keep these particular considerations in mind. And remember: A parent has already given their heart to their children. Now, they have to decide if there’s room for you, too.

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How to Handle the Check on a First Date Without Making It Awkward

Nothing can disrupt the mood on a first date more than the bill being dropped on your table. Sure, the cocktails were killer with the conversation flowing freely, but just like that, the air shifts. It’s a stiff standoff as you and your date both awkwardly fumble for your wallets.

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Perhaps they reach for their card with no intention of actually paying, forcing you to repeatedly insist that you’d like to treat. Or perhaps you assumed you’d go dutch, but your date isn’t even attempting to contribute. There are lots of potential misunderstandings that can happen when the check comes, but luckily, it’s totally possible to avoid them altogether.

According to a recent survey of 300,000 single Americans, a whopping two-thirds (63 percent) of guys think that the man should pay on a first date. However, less than half of women (46 percent) agree. And while nearly one in five women prefers going dutch, less than one in 10 men are down to split the bill evenly. Sounds troublesome, right?

In reality, handling the check doesn’t have to be such a conundrum. The key is to go into the date with a specific intention, set that expectation ahead of time and stick to your guns. As for after the first date … well, then it gets a little more complicated — but we’ve got you covered. Below, we’ll go over how to handle the bill at every stage of your relationship.

How to Handle the Check on the First Date

According to etiquette and relationship expert April Masini, figuring out who should pay actually has nothing to do with gender. If you’re looking for a rule you can stick to that will simplify things, she’s got one.

“Whoever does the asking should do the paying,” she says. “In other words, if you ask someone out on a date, the polite thing to do is to treat them.”

Basically, if it was your idea to grab drinks or hit up that new restaurant, the gracious thing would be to cover the bill on your dime. That said, there’s still a chance that your date will try to contribute when the check comes. In order to minimize any potential awkwardness, Masini recommends being very clear about your invitation from the get-go.

For example, you might say “Let me buy you dinner,” or “Let me take you out, I’d love to treat you.” That way, your date can relax when the check comes as you’ve already made things clear ahead of time.

On the other hand, if you’re the one who was invited on the date and you feel uneasy about letting the other person pay, Masini suggests offering to cover the tab if/when you decide to go out again.

How to Handle the Check on the Third Date

Once you’ve gone out a few times, the dynamic may shift a bit. If one person initially paid the bill, the other person may decide to pick up some of the slack. But there are a few factors at play here: who did the inviting, like before, and who’s in a financial position to treat.

“If you both make similar amounts of money, then you can start alternating who pays for dates,” says Masini. “This should happen organically and casually. For instance, the person who has not been paying may pick up tickets to a concert and invite the other person. Or they may invite the other person for a home-cooked meal that they shop for and prepare.”

While some couples may opt to go dutch, Masini notes that it’s less romantic than switching off who pays the check.

“It doesn’t create a feeling of taking care of one another, which is a nice part of relationships,” she explains.

How to Handle the Check Once You’ve Started a Relationship

By the time you’re in a committed relationship, the status quo changes again. Very often, as that initial courting stage ends, both people in the relationship expect each other to pull their own weight. This is especially true once you move in together, blending your finances together as one.

“You both know more about how much you each make, save and spend,” says Masini, “and it’s easier to know who can afford to treat, and how you want to handle money as a couple. If you’re living together, you don’t just have dates to think about — you have to think about paying rent or mortgage and who pays what, who’s on title or on the lease and how you save and spend separately and together. By the time you’re living together, who pays for dates is a much smaller blip on the radar, and it’s dwarfed by who pays for groceries and how you’re saving for vacations and retirement together.”

Of course, income still comes into play when deciding who will foot the bill on dates. According to Masini, if there’s a significant difference in how much both partners are earning, the person who has the vastly higher income should pay for a larger portion of the dates as the relationship progresses. That being said, there are ways for the partner who earns less to contribute financially in their own way.

For example, if the higher earner picks up dinner on date night, the other partner can grab breakfast (or just coffee) the next morning. It’s important to note that it’s always better to openly discuss this kind of financial understanding than it is to make assumptions. While it may feel awkward to bring up who’s paying for what, it’s the only way to ensure you’re both on the same page, thus preventing the kind of misunderstandings that breed resentment or lead to conflict.

And any perceived awkwardness around the bill typically stems from your internal anxieties or beliefs.

“It’s often carried over from the way money was handled or taught growing up,” notes Masini. “If you expect to pay for a date because you invited someone out to dinner, then there’s no awkwardness. And if you expect to be treated to dinner because someone invited you, there is no awkwardness.”

Paying for a date is a very personal thing, and the status quo will vary from couple to couple, depending on their personalities, preferences, incomes, and other factors.

“In some cases, it’s more important to one person — regardless of whether they have more or less money than a partner — to do the paying because it makes them feel more capable and chivalrous,” adds Masini.

In other words, there is no perfect rule or formula for figuring out who should pay on a date. Generally, if you invite someone out, it’s a good idea to cover the costs — at least in the very beginning of the relationship. But when in doubt, talk it out. Once your relationship begins to progress, your dynamic will undoubtedly change, explaining why constant communication is key. The best part? Having these tough money talks early on will only make your relationship stronger (and will help keep from spoiling your dinner).

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Heres How to Know If Youre Someones Rebound

We’ve all been there. Rather than taking the time to heal after a relationship ends, we immediately hop into another without much thought behind our actions. Why? Because sometimes, dating someone new feels like the easiest way to distract yourself from all the confusion and heartbreak. And while this is a super understandable (and relatively common) phenomenon, what you’re doing is finding yourself a rebound — and no one really wants to be the rebound. In actuality, being a rebound means dating someone who’s likely not emotionally available, or even or over their ex yet.

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That’s not the only reason you want to avoid being labeled as a rebound. A 2015 study found that people who enter into rebound relationships compared their new partner to their ex more than people who took longer to get into a new relationship. And who wants to compete with someone from the past? Not only that, but if your partner is still secretly pining after their ex, they probably won’t be able to invest as much into the relationship as you are.

That’s why Maria Sullivan, dating expert and VP of Dating.com, notes that it’s crucial to figure out if you’re someone’s rebound in order to determine if they’re capable of meeting your needs.

But how do you know if you’ve fallen into this situation, exactly? For one, Sullivan says if they’ve only been single for a hot minute, there’s a good chance you’re just filling the void. That, or they might bring up their ex in almost every conversation. Not every sign is so obvious, however. To help you figure it out, here are some far more subtle red flags to look out for to figure out if you’re someone’s rebound.

Things Are Moving Super Fast

When someone is recovering from a breakup, they may be so eager to fill that hole in their love life that they’re unable to take it slow — as in, saying those three little words after two or three dates, or posting #couplegoals Instagram photos just a few weeks into dating. For them, that’s the easiest way to re-harness all those romantic feelings that they once had.

“You find yourself acting like a couple almost right away instead of it feeling like it grows gradually over time,” explains Nicole Richardson, a licensed marriage and family therapist. If you feel like your relationship went from zero to 60 at warp speed, that could be a sign that your partner is trying to escape from pre-existing negative emotions by replacing their ex with … well, you.

Another red flag to look out for? If they’re sending you mixed signals. Someone who’s coming on strong one minute and seems super distant the next may still be dealing with lingering feelings from their last relationship.

You Haven’t Met Their Inner Circle

Has your new partner been shady about introducing you to their family and close friends? There are lots of potential reasons for this, with one of them being that you’re unknowingly in a rebound situation. Think about it this way: Their loved ones all know they’re fresh off a breakup. Meaning, if they introduce you as their new partner, they may very well face judgment for jumping back into dating so quickly.

“They know it's too soon to bring a new person around so they avoid it,” says Richardson.

Also, if they don’t see a future with you, they may be wary of bringing their rebound into immediate circle.

They Avoid Making Plans Far Into the Future

Dealing with a breakup usually entails a rollercoaster of unpredictable emotions that can change by the day (or even hour). Naturally, that explains why your partner might have difficulty committing to plans past just a few days.

According to Sullivan, if you notice that they’re noncommittal when it comes to putting things on the calendar — say, a few weeks or a few months down the line — that’s a red flag. While there are many possible explanations for this behavior, it could mean that they’re not sure they foresee anything long-term for this relationship.

It could be because they’re still hung up on their ex, or they simply haven’t fully healed from the split. If they’re super flaky, or fail to follow through on plans by going MIA with no warning, that could mean they’re struggling with the past more than you initially thought.

There’s Zero Conflict

Every couple has their own unique “norm” when it comes to conflict, but if you and your partner never seem to fight about anything, that’s usually a red flag. According to Richardson, if it seems like your arguments are being avoided entirely, that may signal that your partner’s unable or unwilling to connect on a deeper level. They’re still so wound up in the trauma from their last relationship that they can’t imagine going that far down the rabbit hole with you, even if they wanted to.

If you suspect that you’re in a rebound relationship, how you move forward depends on your own needs, wants and intentions. Are you OK with keeping it casual? Sure, in that case, you may be cool with the fact that your new partner is non-commital. On the other hand, if you’re in it for the long haul, it’s definitely worth sparking an honest discussion with them. The key, says Richardson, is bringing the issue to their attention without being judgemental or accusatory.

“Your partner may not even be aware that they’re rebounding yet,” she explains.

And rather than using the word “rebound,” which could cause them to get defensive, try focusing on the specific behaviors that are concerning you. The idea is to come from a place of wanting to understand, rather than attacking them. For example, you might say, “I’ve noticed that you seem a little hot and cold, and it’s been confusing for me. How have you been feeling about our relationship lately?” Or, you could say, “Is there a reason why you’ve been hesitant to buy those concert tickets with me next month? I’d love to understand your concerns.”

Opening up this kind of conversation gives your partner a chance to clear up any misunderstandings. Even if they exhibit some of these aforementioned red flags, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a rebound. Remember to focus on listening to them when they share their feelings and concerns with you, as this will help you to figure out how to proceed in your relationship. And even if you do suspect you’re in a rebound situation, there’s no need to hit the panic button and run — after all, a genuine, lasting connection can still grow out of uncertain circumstances.

However, Richardson advises remaining as independent as possible, continuing to do all the things that make you happy, in order to stay level-headed. It’ll also help cushion the blow in case things don’t work out.

There’s no reason why a rebound relationship can’t survive (and even thrive). But in order for that to happen, both people need to be in it with their eyes wide open. The rebound role isn’t the kiss of death for your relationship, but it does mean you’ll need to proceed with caution. As long as you can remain realistic about what your partner is capable of bringing to the table, you’ll be able to continue dating with an open mind — and an open heart.

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What Is Micro-Cheating? What to Know About This Risky Relationship Behavior

Imagine scrolling through your Instagram feed, only to see that your partner double-tapped their ex’s photo. Perhaps you saw their texts, too, intrigued by a somewhat flirtatious conversation with their co-worker. Of course, you don’t know for a fact that they’ve been unfaithful, but for some reason, their actions still make you uneasy. 

Well, there’s a term for all of this — it’s called “micro-cheating.”

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As social media, dating apps, texting, and other forms of technology make it easier than ever to connect with other people, the scope of cheating is far more complex than just sex with someone else. In fact, micro-cheating encompasses countless other forms of betrayal that you may not be aware of — and while it may sound harmless, experts agree that it can actually be quite detrimental.

What exactly counts as micro-cheating, you ask? And more importantly, what should you do if you catch your partner in the act? Read on for some real talk on this super common issue in relationships.

What is Micro-Cheating?

One of the reasons why micro-cheating remains a gray area in relationships is that it can be difficult to define. Yes, micro-cheating is a subtler form of cheating, but don’t let the name fool you. These forms of infidelity can still be incredibly destructive. 

“Micro-cheating is the act of blowing past the known boundaries of appropriate behavior for one in a committed relationship,” says NYC-based relationship expert and love coach Susan Winter.

While these acts may seem innocent to some, when someone feels the need to hide them from their partner, that’s a major red flag.

“If you are engaging in it and covering it up at the same time,  you are betraying trust,” says Dr. Joshua Klapow, a clinical psychologist and host of “The Kurre and Klapow Show.”

What Are Some Examples of Micro-Cheating?

There are several types of behaviors that can fall under the umbrella of micro-cheating. 

One example, according to Klapow, is texting a co-worker about non-work related things. Going out with your colleagues simply because you know that a co-worker you’re attracted to is going to be there is dicey territory, too — even if you don’t plan to hook up with them, that’s still a form of micro-cheating because you’re intentionally seeking out opportunities to socialize and flirt.

Winter suggests that flirtatious or sexual comments on social media posts also count as micro-cheating. And while it may be normalized in today’s culture, posting super sexual or suggestive photos on social media — the kind that are obviously intended to allure and engage others — fit the bill as well. Lengthy DMs with a former flame, crush or total stranger can also be considered micro-cheating because these are the kinds of discussions that build emotional intimacy.

As for what it micro-cheating isn’t? Checking out a random stranger on the street, or following an attractive celeb on social media probably doesn’t count. While it’s totally normal to find other people outside of your relationship attractive, it’s acting on that attraction that becomes problematic.

Why is Micro-Cheating Harmful?

Sure, micro-cheating may not be as devastating to some people as physical infidelity, but it still puts the relationship at risk — in part because it can serve as a stepping stone to traditional cheating.

“It’s testing the borders of emotional cheating,” explains Winter.

And while micro-cheating doesn’t necessarily mean that someone will definitely cheat, it can escalate very quickly if the relationship is already in a vulnerable state. 

“If there is conflict in the relationship, and one partner is attracted to someone outside of the relationship, they are going to be more tempted to take the ‘easy route’  to satisfy their needs, avoid emotionally charged situations and avoid the conflict,” he explains. “The result is an increased chance of cheating.”

Does the Definition of Micro-Cheating Depend on the Relationship?

Given that every relationship is different, one might wonder whether the scope of micro-cheating can vary. For example, couples who have an open relationship will have a different set of ground rules compared to a monogamous couple. 

According to Klapow, the only thing that truly varies from relationship to relationship is the tolerance level for these forms of betrayal.

“Some couples may not be as turned off or frustrated by forms of micro-cheating while others are,” he explains. “Where it gets to be a challenge is when one partner is more tolerant (or less tolerant) of the betrayal than the other. When the definition and tolerance are not aligned, problems will occur.”

This is exactly why it’s  important to have an open, honest discussion with your partner about what behavior you deem acceptable. Being on the same page about what actions are (and aren’t) allowed in the relationship reduces the risk that either of you accidentally betrays the other without realizing it.

What Should You Do if Your Partner is Micro-Cheating?

While it may feel awkward to confront your partner about their micro-cheating ways, experts believe it’s crucial to vocalize your feelings and concerns about these betrayals. If you don’t bring it to their attention, you’re doing both of you a disservice. Essentially, if they don’t realize how their behavior is affecting you, they don’t have an opportunity to make a change.

Now, how you bring up the topic is key. If you approach it in a way that sounds accusatory, your partner may feel attacked, putting them on the defensive. For this reason, Klapow recommends avoiding the word “cheating” or “micro-cheating” when you bring it up. Instead, just specify which behavior or behaviors are bothering you, along with why. 

Don’t forget to listen, too. Pay close attention to your partner as they explain the reason for their behavior, as doing so can offer some valuable insight into cracks in the foundation of your relationship that need to be addressed. 

“Catching these acts early, being consistent about calling your partner out on them and letting your partner know they are not OK with you gives you and your partner a chance to address small problems before they become very large problems,” notes Klapow.

The bottom line? A betrayal is a betrayal, and you deserve to be in a relationship where your personal boundaries are respected. If you’re uncertain about what counts as micro-cheating, ask yourself this: Is this something you (or your partner) would still do if your significant other was right there? Or would you feel ashamed if they witnessed it? 

Asking that can help you to determine whether or not sending that text, leaving that comment or engaging in that conversation crosses the line. And if you discover that your partner has been micro-cheating, don’t panic. By addressing these risky behaviors early on, you can extinguish the spark before it spreads into a more destructive flame.

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