The old Pat Benatar song entitled, Love is a Battlefield, says it all. Many of my relationship phone coaching clients agree with this sentiment, no matter where they live, which gender they align with, or whatever their age they are. These eligible people, most of whom have lots of good things to offer, are tragically ready to throw in the relationship towel after ending a relationship. That's because facing the prospect of putting themselves back out there to meet someone new leaves them flooded with old re-emerging feelings of vulnerability.
Why are these single people having trepidation and even feeling cynical about trying to find and develop a new relationship? It's because the very core of their self-confidence has been shaken and sometimes even eroded by the pain of feeling disappointed, dissatisfied, and disenchanted after a break up or a series of relationships that just did not last. That's some big time "disses" that are oppressively weighing on their minds! These people yearn for the promise of what healthy love holds for them.
When you are healing from a prior failed relationship or even from a series of them, keep in mind there is no such thing as false hope when going forward. There is only one kind of hope and that is hope in the true sense of the word. But to help your hope along, it is important to realize that you are STILL the one in control of your relationship destiny going forward. To help ensure you find a healthy partner for your next intimate relationship please keep the following three points in mind:
1) Know Your Value
I tell my relationship coaching clients three words and hold them accountable to keeping these words top of mind: Know Your Value! Knowing your value is your shield of armor against anyone treating you in a way less than what you deserve. Said another way through common wisdom, "You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else." Do you love and value yourself? If you do then that alone will help you find a healthy partner because you will stay determined to find someone who accepts and treasures you for who you are.
2) What You See Is What You Get
Yes, people can surprise us for the better--and they do at times. But when getting to know an intimate partner realize that, for the most part, they are the way they are. And, that's pretty much who they will be going forward. So, keeping this important reality in mind, expecting someone to change for you is not fair to them, to you, or to your relationship. Bottom line: Don't make the mistake of unfairly expecting someone you like to be more like the way you want them to be.
3) Keep Learning and Growing
People on popular dating websites are often given a prompt to respond about what they have learned from past relationships. Many will state that they see the value of such prized virtues such as trust, honesty, and good communication. These are, by the way, great things to strive for in any intimate relationship.
But we must also not kid ourselves. Intimate relationships are complicated because we are complex as individuals who bring past experiences (baggage) into new relationships. Rather than naively telling ourselves that we have learned all we need to from our past relationships, we must stay open-minded. We need to stay humble and realize that all relationships take a mindset of learning and growing to support meeting mutual needs in a healthy way. We must be flexible and accepting yet also express what we are not comfortable in terms of attitudes and behaviors of our partners. Realizing that all relationships take some work, and ongoing learning for how to do this work, will go a long way in helping the successfully work out over the long run.
Closing Thoughts
As I write in my relationship book, Why Can't You Read My Mind?, I am all for trying to give relationships a chance to develop, but you did not get into your relationship to be treated poorly, ignored, or abandoned. If you find this occurring in your next relationship, then the healthiest thing to do is to move on to a new and hopefully more satisfying relationship.
Dr. Jeff is relationship coach and family psychologist. For more about him, visit drjeffonline.com
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