Friendships are key to our emotional well-being. We all need to have a support network that leaves us feeling that we belong and are appreciated for who we are, just as we are. Friendships provide a “family of choice” in that friendships are voluntary relationships that we create with people we like and who like us.

We are constantly growing and changing and our friendships will grow and change, as well. However, not all friendships are durable or flexible enough to grow and shift along with each individual's own development. Not every friendship is going to last a lifetime. Some relationships are “seasonal” and reflect who we are and where we are at a particular moment in time and that’s okay.

Remember, too, that disagreements are going to occur in friendships, just like they do in any relationship, but there are some behaviors that are likely to increase the conflicts and some behaviors that will decrease the conflicts. Choose to engage the ones that strengthen rather than strain your friendship.

How to Break a Friendship in 10 Easy Steps

1. Express jealousy or criticism of your friend’s other relationships and friends; this is selfish and also reflects a lack of self-esteem on your part
2. Duck out when a friend is in need; if you can’t be counted on to be there in a pinch, you can’t expect friends to be there for you
3. Break your friend’s confidences; trust is the hallmark of a healthy relationship. If you abuse the trust that a friend has placed in you, then you are not the type of friend that others will value
4. Don't trust or confide in your friends; trust is a two-way street and if friends don’t feel that you trust them, they won’t feel that you value their friendship
5. Put down a friend in front of others; constructive feedback can be highly beneficial, but it’s all about timing
6. Withhold positive regard and empathy; primary purposes of friendships include the provision of understanding and affiliation. If you’re indifferent to a friend’s feelings or well-being, there’s little point in continuing the friendship
7. Don't stand up for your friends when they’re not around; if you don’t have your friend’s back when they turn their back, you’re not really being much of a friend
8. Neglect to provide emotional support to your friends when they need it; one of the primary purposes that friendships serve is support and belonging
9. Nag a friend about behaviors, choices, what you think they should do or what you want them to do or how they should be or bringing up topics that you know will bring them down
10. Expect your needs to always come first without thinking about what your friend might need in the way of attention or support

How to Make a Friendship in 10 Easy Steps

1. Most importantly, be yourself from the beginning. Authenticity is essential if you want a healthy relationship.
2. Establish clear boundaries at the start as these are essential to all healthy relationships. It’s so much easier to set expectations at the outset of a new relationship than try to reign things in later on.
3. Make time early on for talking and meeting up so that the friendship can deepen naturally through shared activities and time spent shooting the breeze.
4. Communicate expectations for the friendship early on. If a friend is expecting too much, disclosing too much, or trying to co-opt more time than you have for the friendship, let the new friend know how you’re feeling.
5. Have fun with friends and be willing to try out new activities, visit new places, and experience new things. Friends give us the support team we need when we’re taking risks and true friends never mind if you look like a dork the first time you swing a golf club or sing karaoke.
6. Really get to know your new friend and share about yourself, too. Friendships are built on mutually deepening self-disclosure. Invite your friend to share about themselves, but always be willing to do the same. One-sided self-disclosure leaves the discloser feeling vulnerable and the non-disclosure feeling awkward.
7. Mix it up at social events by inviting both new and old friends to get to know one another. There’s always room for one more new friend in our lives, so don’t be afraid to “share” your friends with one another.
8. Follow through on your promises and plans. Life can definitely get in the way of the best-laid plans, but do your best to show up when and where you’ve promised or get back to friends when you’ve said you would.
9. Whether you live right next door or 2,000 miles apart, keep in touch with your friends. Stay current with your friends’ lives and don’t use “busy” as an excuse not to send a quick text when you think of your friend or give a quick call. It matters to the recipient.
10. Friends are not only there to support a person when they stumble, but good friends celebrate each others' successes in life too. Be there to celebrate new jobs, lottery wins, and lucky breaks.

What exactly is phubbing? If you are phubbing your friends, this means you’re snubbing your friends in order to focus your attention on your phone. It’s a “phone snub,” “phub,” for short. The term was developed in 2012 by an advertising agency that recruited lexicographers and poets to find the perfect term for this poorly perceived behavior.

While phubbing is a more informal term for this behavior, researchers have chosen the word “technoference” as a way to capture what is actually going on between people when phubbing occurs. It’s a “technology-based interference” that can definitely be detrimental to relationships. No matter what you call it, the result is still the same – weakened social ties and compromised relationships.

Social connection and social belongingness are essential to our emotional and physical well-being. We all need a “back-up team” when we’re dealing with the stressors we face as well as a “home team” who celebrates our successes with us. The need to connect and the desire for communication with others are the drivers for the development of telecommunication devices. When I worked at one of the early mobile phone and paging companies, we would answer the phone with a chirpy, “You’re too important to ever be out of touch.” It was a great slogan then and it’s a great slogan today. Cellphones keep us connected with others no matter where we’re at or what we’re doing.

Unfortunately, when what we’re doing involves being in the company of others, being distracted by the screen on your phone – whether texting, reading, or just surfing – can undo any good that social interaction might produce.

Romantic Relationships & Technoference

With couples, it turns out that the more technoference that occurs when the couple is together, the more conflict regarding technology the couple will experience (McDaniel, Galovan, Cravens, & Drouin, 2018). When your date or partner phubs you, you’re likely going to experience jealousy (Krasnova et al., 2018). It’s not just because your partner is staying connected to people not present that is the problem, it’s that your partner is more interested in someone or something besides yourself. If you’re in the early stages of a relationship and it’s headed the way you want it to go, don’t risk the relationship by phubbing your date. One phubbed gentleman in Australia tried to sue his date for phubbing him during a movie – a frivolously phubbulous lawsuit, but it certainly provides the feeling of rejection that can arise upon being phubbed by a potential partner. As a couple gets increasingly familiar with one another and spend more time together, it's likely that the phubbing becomes a familiar behavior, too. Remember, though, to make sure "reciprocal phubbing" is acceptable -- staying on the same page and being present for one another should be your first priority.

Phubbing aside, cell phones in the bedroom are especially detrimental to relationships and individual well-being (Hughes & Burke, 2018). In general, it’s probably best for couples to leave their phones charging outside their bedroom, if possible. In a technology-free bedroom, the relationship is more satisfying, quality of life is enhanced, and focus and overall well-being are positively affected by their absence. Sleep quality also improves – which always makes everything better in itself.

Friendships & Technoference

Sometimes what a friend needs most are empathy, understanding, and our full attention. Other times, hanging out and phubbing with all of your friends doing the same, that’s perfectly fine. It’s important, though, to recognize that social relationships are enhanced by reciprocity of positive engagements and are compromised by reciprocity of detractive behaviors; thus, the more often you and your friends phub each other, the more normal it becomes (Chotpitayasunondh & Douglas, 2016). When someone is texting while we’re talking to them or scrolling through feeds, it leaves us feeling devalued and inconsequential, if not downright upset.

When a friend needs you present, make sure you keep your phone in your pocket, purse, or at least face down on the couch or table.

Parent-Child Technoference

Research suggests that there is definitely a relationship between the amount of technoference in a parent-child relationship and a child’s behavior (McDaniel & Radesky, 2018). It seems that the more time parents spend on their smart phones, the more trouble a child can get into and the harder she might have to work to draw the parent’s attention from the screen. It’s also true that the more challenging or difficult a child’s behaviors might be, the more likely a parent might feel frustrated and turn to the smart phone as a distraction. Moreover, because smart phones are as mobile as people are, “distracted parenting” can be a risky to a child’s wellbeing as “distracted driving” can be to passengers and the other cars on the road.

If you want to teach your kids to tune you out, then model phubbing for them daily. Young children need adult supervision. However, if you’re “crushing candy,” texting friends, or checking out the too cute shoes or outfit you want to get for your child or yourself, your child may be on the brink of some unexpectedly risky behavior. Keep your phone handy if you’re using it to capture pics of the kids, but don’t lose focus of what your kids need and how you’re showing them how to treat others.

Put Down the Phone if you want to Amp Up the Connection

Some suggest that cell phone distraction is representative of a potential cell phone addiction, which is linked to FOMO – Fear of Missing Out. Since humans crave connection, it makes sense that the device that allows connection in so many ways has become something of an addictive device. However, many of us are not ready to settle for “technology mediated connection” when we’ve got friends and family who need us physically present or when we are in need of a warm embrace or pat on the back.

Chotpitayasunondh, V., & Douglas, K. M. (2016). How “phubbing” becomes the norm: The antecedents and consequences of snubbing via smartphone. Computers in Human Behavior, 63, 9–18. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2016.05.018

Hughes, N., & Burke, J. (2018). Sleeping with the frenemy: How restricting ‘bedroom use’ of smartphones impacts happiness and wellbeing. Computers in Human Behavior, 85, 236–244. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2018.03.047

Krasnova, H., Abramova, O., Notter, I., & Baumann, A. (2016). Why phubbing is toxic for your relationship: Understanding the role of smartphone jealousy among “Generation Y” users. Research Papers. 109.  https://aisel.aisnet.org/ecis2016_rp/109

McDaniel, B. T., Galovan, A. M., Cravens, J. D., & Drouin, M. (2018). “Technoference” and implications for mothers’ and fathers’ couple and coparenting relationship quality. Computers in Human Behavior, 80, 303–313. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2017.11.019

McDaniel, B. T., & Radesky, J. S. (2018). Technoference: Parent Distraction with Technology and Associations with Child Behavior Problems. Child Development, 89(1), 100–109. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdev.12822