If you are in a relationship with a gaslighter/narcissist, in addition to emotional abuse and physical abuse, you may be experiencing economic abuse.  Economic abuse, also known as financial abuse, is a way that gaslighters/narcissists gain power and control over their partners (Sarkis, 2018).  

Economic abuse is viewed as a "hidden" form of abuse, because many people that are victims of it may not realize it is a form of abuse.  The nature of economic abuse is for the gaslighter/narcissist to limit your options for leaving, so this type of abuse tends to be underreported.  In addition, gaslighters/narcissists make sure they lie to you by telling you that you are the real issue, not him or her  Let me be clear: You are in an abusive relationship.  Your partner is 100% responsible for his or her behavior. 

Signs of Economic Abuse

You may be experiencing economic abuse if your partner does any of the following: 

• Prohibits you from working.
• Forces you to turn over your paycheck to him or her.
• Forces you to take an "allowance". 
• Refuses to share financial information with you. 
• Takes credit cards out or opens accounts in your name.
•  Forces you to add his or her name on to your accounts or property.
• Sells or gives away your expensive or sentimental items without your knowledge, or as a way to get "even" after an argument.
• Hides your valuable or sentimental possessions.
• Forces you to work for the family business for no pay. 
• Forces you to justify any expenses.
• Withholds money from you or your children for your needs.
• Prohibits you from spending your own money.
• Accessing your online accounts without your permission. 
• Forces you into prostitution.
• Threatens your employer.
• Forces you to sell your car.
• Takes away any of your cash.
• Tells you that he or she has a right to look through your phone "because I bought it." 
• Forces you to steal money. 
• Spends your money without your permission.
• Sabotages your job by hiding your keys, deleting files on your laptop, or causing a car malfunction.
• Controls all household expenses.
• Demands that he or she purchase your clothes. 
• Uses funds from your children's savings accounts without consulting with you. 
• Ruins your credit. 
• Does not include you in financial decision-making.
• Destroys or hides your important financial papers.
• Spends on expensive items without consulting with you. 
• Threatens to harm you, your family, or your pets if you do not comply with any of his or her demands. 

Why Do Abusers Use These Tactics?

If you have lack of access to finances or a job, a gaslighter/narcissist knows you will be less likely to leave.  Having money and a job allows you to exercise more control over your life circumstances.  The more a gaslighter/narcissist limits your options, the more you rely on him or her.  The more the gaslighter/narcissist tells you that you are "crazy," or that you "deserve" to be treated this way, the more isolated you become.  The gaslighter/narcissist knows you are less likely to seek outside help from friends, family, or an attorney when you have limited means or resources.  
 

What Can You Do? 

If you find you are in a relationship where you are subject to economic abuse, realize that it is just as abusive as emotional, verbal, and physical abuse.  With all these forms of abuse, the ultimate goal is power and control.  Be aware that relationships with abuse tend to only get worse.  Rarely do they improve.  By being in a relationship with economic abuse (or any type of abuse), your life, your children's lives, and your pets' lives are at risk.  While your partner may promise things will get better after a big blowup, pay attention to his or her behavior.  You will usually find that the words ring hollow.  There is no action behind those words — for example, no attempt from your partner to seek counseling, even when you have said that is a condition of you staying in the relationship.  There will be another big blowup.  That is the continuing cycle of an abusive relationship.  And the cycle gets worse each time. 

Seek help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline at www.thehotline.org or 1-800-799-7233.  Also contact your local domestic violence shelter.  Your life (and the lives of your children and pets) are at stake.  Many attorneys offer pro bono (free of charge) services to victims/survivors of domestic violence.  You can find your area on The National Domestic Violence Directory.   Be aware that options such as opening your own account and putting money away for your exit, if discovered by the gaslighter/narcissist, can trigger his or her abusive behavior.  The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you are planning to leave or have left.  The resources listed above can help you find the safest way to build up your resources and exit an abusive relationship.  

For more information on economic/financial abuse and how to break free, see this episode of my podcast Talking Brains below. 

www.stephaniesarkis.com

Copyright 2019 Sarkis Media

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Gaslighters/narcissists use money as a way to gain power and control.

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Economic (financial) abuse is one of the "hidden" forms of abuse. Is your partner controlling your finances or sabotaging your job in order to gain power and isolate you?

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Sarkis, S. (2018).  Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People and Break Free.  New York: Da Capo. 

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A common tactic of gaslighters/narcissists is to falsely claim that they have others that verify their criticisms of you.  Several clients have reported to me that their gaslighting/narcissistic partners would make comments like the following: 

• "Everyone knows you're crazy."  
• "My entire family thinks you're crazy." 
• "Everyone is disappointed in you." 
• "Your family knows what you're like.  Who are they going to believe, you or me?" 
• "Your sister doesn't even believe you.  She's told me how crazy you are." 

Note the gaslighter's use of absolutes like "everyone," "all," "none," "always," and "never."  Very rarely do absolutes apply to a given situation.  It's just another way for a gaslighter to try to stack the deck against you.  

Why Do Gaslighters Claim Others Back Them Up? 

Why do gaslighters go for this strategy?  First, to them, the worst thing that could happen is that people don't think that they are wonderful.  The worst thing to a gaslighter is having their public image tarnished.  So they project those feelings on to you.  A prime example is when gaslighters accuse someone of being selfish.  Gaslighters will accuse someone of a behavior or action that is actually a description of themselves. 

The second purpose of claiming others back them up on their criticism is that it gives the gaslighter power.  They are telling you (falsely) that they have an army of critics behind them.  They may also use the names of people that have an influence in your life, like your employer or clergy.  Keep in mind that what the gaslighter is telling you is most likely a lie.  Logically "everyone" cannot believe just one thing.  And what did the gaslighter do, go door-to-door with a poll?  The gaslighter wants to instill fear in you by telling you everyone backs them up.  That's it. 

The third purpose is to isolate you from others.  If the gaslighter tells you that people you care about, or "everyone" is thinking badly of you, it makes you less likely to reach out to those people for help.  And that is exactly what the gaslighter wants.  If you focus solely on them, you are more prone to accepting their version of reality.  You are also more likely to focus your attention solely on them (but as you read here, no amount of attention is enough to fill their narcissistic needs.) 

What To Do About It 

The best thing you can do is to get out of this type of relationship.  That is easier said than done.  Gaslighters can manipulate you to the point where you feel you can't survive on your own.  Remember, most of what they told you is a lie.  You are a smart, competent, courageous person.  You may be concerned about your safety - contact a local domestic violence shelter, or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at www.thehotline.org or 1-800-799-7233.

If you have children with a gaslighter, you may not be able to separate yourself from them completely.  Consider reading about coparenting with a gaslighter/narcissist.  You can read about coparenting with a gaslighter in Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive Behavior and Break Free, and also learn more in Mindful Coparenting: A Child-Friendly Path Through Divorce.  

www.stephaniesarkis.com

Copyright 2019 Sarkis Media

Subtitle: 

A common tactic of gaslighters is to claim others back them up.

Blog to Post to: 

Here, There, and Everywhere

Teaser Text: 

Gaslighters love to tell you that everyone else agrees with their criticisms of you. This is a tactic used to gain control and power.

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Mature Audiences Only: 

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Content Topics: 

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