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Following allegations of mistreatment, Ashley Diamond, a Black transgender woman, is suing the Georgia Department of Corrections for sexual assault by both inmates and correctional staff. Diamond, who is being represented by the Center for Constitutional Rights (CCR) and the Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC), filed the lawsuit on Monday. In it, she alleges that officials failed to protect her from sexual assault and they inflicted harm on her directly. 

Since 2019, Diamond says she has been assaulted 14 times. In addition to verbal and physical abuse, Diamond accused the Georgia Department of Corrections (GDC) of denying her medically necessary treatments and putting her in a men’s prison — despite the risk to her safety. The lawsuit alleges that being put in a men’s housing assignment has specifically caused her to be violated repeatedly.

“Being a woman in a men’s prison is a nightmare. I’ve been stripped of my identity. I never feel safe. Never. I experience sexual harassment on a daily basis, and the fear of sexual assault is always a looming thought. I’m bringing this lawsuit to bring about change on behalf of a community that deserves the inherent dignity to simply exist,” Diamond said in a statement from CCR.

This is not the first time that Diamond is suing the GDC, either. In February 2015, Diamond filed a lawsuit challenging the abusive conditions that incarcerated transgender people in Georgia prisons face and won a historic settlement agreement, which triggered significant reforms in Georgia. The GDC rescinded its “freeze frame” policy that prevented trans people from receiving the hormone therapy treatment they need, and adopted new sexual assault prevention policies. Diamond was released on parole later in 2015. However, since becoming incarcerated again in 2019, Diamond has been met with similar unconstitutional conditions. 

According to CCR, Diamond’s case “exposes how GDC’s policies and practices perpetuate transphobia and gender and sexual-based violence.” Black transgender people, who are incarcerated at disproportionately high rates, also face disproportionate levels of violanece. A survey from the National Center for Transgender Equality shows that approximately 16 percent of trans people of all ethnicities are incarcerated in their lifetimes, and that one out of two (or 47 percent) of Black trans people are incarcerated.

Data collected by the Department of Justice also shows that at least 40 percent of incarcerated transgender people have been sexually assaulted — which is more than ten times the general prison population rate. 2020 has been one of the deadliest years for trans people so far — specifically Black trans women — with 36 violent deaths in the U.S. that have been documented, though it’s likely that the number is even higher. 

“We sued Georgia prisons on Ashley’s behalf before and, unfortunately, we’re having to sue again to end the abhorrent treatment of transgender people, particularly transgender women of color, in Georgia’s prisons. Five years after changing its policies in response to our first lawsuit, GDC tragically continues to flout its legal obligations to protect transgender people in its custody,” Beth Littrell, senior attorney for the Southern Poverty Law Center, said in a statement. “The assaults and threats that Ashley continues to face on a daily basis are based on the fact that she is a woman in a men’s prison – it’s intolerable and inexcusable.”

Diamond’s lawyers are advocating that she be transferred out of a men’s facility, and that she be given access to vital healthcare. They’re also arguing that the minimum standards of adequate attention for incarcerated transgender people goes beyond hormone therapy and includes additional care that affirms their gender.

“Together with the Southern Poverty Law Center, we are holding the Georgia Department of Corrections accountable, helping to make more visible the experiences and courageous organizing of trans people in Georgia prisons and working with and uplifting the incredible work of grassroots allies who are fighting for the safety, dignity, and rights of all trans people,” CCR says. 

Refinery29 has contacted the Georgia Department of Corrections for comment, but was unable to reach a representative. We will update this story as we know more.

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Elly Belle, Khareem Sudlow

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Like many people during the pandemic-induced shelter-in-place orders, I turned to improving my living space with all of the free time I suddenly found myself with. While many looked to revamping their at-home workspaces or repainting their living room, I cleaned out my clutter-filled closet — and then turned it into a capsule wardrobe.

As a writer that’s been covering fashion trends for years, shopping is not only my favorite pastime but also basically part of my job. Over the years, though, I had managed to collect so much clothing that it was causing me to feel like I was drowning in my own closet. And so, confined to the walls of my apartment, I decided it was time to give my wardrobe a makeover.

While I’ve always tried to keep sustainability in mind when shopping, by buying from ethical brands and shopping secondhand, I was still guilty of making a few fast fashion purchases each season. I often made impulse buys on a whim, which led to a closet full of clothing and accessories I wore once or, worse, never at all. With the pandemic, this became only more apparent: As I wore my new uniform of hoodies and bike shorts during most hours of spring, summer, and fall, my impulse buys gathered more dust in the back of the closet. 

Inspired by fashion writer and influencer Stephanie Broek, I decided to create a capsule closet, a tightly curated and streamlined wardrobe made up of quality staples and statement pieces — one that I sourced as sustainably as possible. (I also had a move on the horizon, and my new closet space would be a far cry from the walk-in closet my husband and I were sharing, which I had already taken up 95 percent of.) And so I made a pledge to myself to quit shopping for new pieces entirely, promising to only buy secondhand and vintage pieces going forward. 

After a week spent downsizing, a few months of sourcing “new” secondhand pieces, and a new physical closet later, I’m working with a wardrobe that’s less than 50 percent of what it used to be, and 100 percent more wearable. Here’s how you can build a capsule wardrobe, too. 

Assess what you already own

The first step in creating a curated closet is assessing the pieces you already own. The idea is to build a wardrobe filled with clothing you’ll wear again and again. With that in mind, take a look at the contents of your wardrobe and decide what doesn’t fit that description.

After taking out the pieces you hardly or no longer wear, decide: What can you resell (to make money to reinvest into your new wardrobe), and what can you donate? Bring your items to sell at stores like Buffalo Exchange (which also offers Sell-by-Mail program) or Crossroads Trading, or mail them to be sold virtually at places like thredUP. You can also sell the clothing yourself on platforms like Poshmark, eBay, and Depop.

Before you think of tossing something just because it has a bit of wear and tear, consider taking the time to mend it. “It’s really important to fix nicer, classic items before buying new — for example, resoling a black bootie or fixing straps on a designer handbag,” says Cassandra Dittmer, a sustainable stylist, consultant, and expert. “Shifting your mindset to a place of taking care of what you already own is a powerful way to evolve as a consumer.” Fun fact: One of my favorite shoes is a pair of sculptural Marni sandals (pictured here) that I’ve gotten cleaned and resoled after finding them secondhand.

For pieces that may seem too far gone to salvage or donate, do some research on where you can bring them to be recycled (do not just throw them away as they’ll end up in landfills). Living in NYC, I drop off my unwanted clothing at donation bins from HELPSY, a textile recycling service that sorts through your old goods and recycles anything unwearable into rags for industrial use. If you don’t have a similar donation bin near you, look at store programs (Reformation, H&M, and Levi’s are just some of the brands that will take clothing from any brand) that will recycle them for you. You can also pay to ship unwanted clothing and textiles to be recycled through programs like TerraCycle.

Once you’ve sorted through what you already have (and hopefully made a few bucks in the process), you’re ready to start rebuilding your wardrobe. 

Fill the clothing gaps

Every capsule closet should have a variety of classic pieces that won’t ever go out of style. Think items that have remained staples for the last few decades: trench coats, crisp button-downs, cashmere sweaters, blue jeans, black boots, blazers, etc. “These are the items you can wear any given day from year to year that never look outdated,” says Liisa Jokinen, vintage expert and founder of vintage search engine Gem, a platform that indexes vintage and secondhand items from all over the world (more on it below). “You can never go wrong with these items, and they’re easy to mix with anything. They’ll also save your day when you feel like you have nothing to wear.” 

After looking at what remained in your closet, fill in the missing gaps. The good news is that all of these timeless pieces are usually available in excess pre-loved at places ranging from affordable thrift stores to luxury consignment boutiques. Prioritize what you need first by seasons. Did you let go of a bunch of old fast fashion, not-so-warm winter coats ahead of the cold weather? Start by investing in one or two practical coats that work with everything, like a simple trench or understated peacoat.

Getting dressed should be fun, which is why your closet should also include statement pieces. In this case, opening yourself up to vintage can lead to many one-of-a-kind options. “Shopping vintage is one of the best ways to experiment with funky and unique silhouettes,” says Dittmer. “It’s a great way to explore different eras of fashion and boundaries within your own personal style.” But while you should have fun, do think about the wearability of the piece. “I would avoid anything that feels too costume-y, it’s easy to get carried away when you’re shopping secondhand. I try to remind myself, if this piece was new, would I still buy it, or am I only liking it because it’s vintage? I still make sure it’s something I would reach for without the vintage clout.”

Jokinen recommends opting for statement items like jewelry, blouses, and shoes, or other “small accents that don’t make your whole outfit scream for attention.” This way, you can pair them with the classics you already own. “Think of combining the above-mentioned white blouse with a pair of dangling statement earrings, or blue jeans with a pair of shoes in a bright color.” For Dittmer, it’s all about subtle statement details, “like a pearl button or unique scallops.” 

Of course, this doesn’t always have to be the case. If you find the perfect vintage floor-length sequined dress — something you probably wouldn’t wear every day, but you know you’d wear time and time again over the years — by all means, go for it, so long as it’s not an impulse purchase. My rule of thumb is: If I see something amazing in a shop or online that I can’t stop thinking about for a week or two, it’s worth buying. “The important thing to consider when shopping for statement pieces is that they should be purchased just as thoughtfully as your classic pieces,” says Dittmer. 

What to invest in

Owning a high-quality wardrobe doesn’t necessarily mean you need to spend a fortune. Thanks to shopping vintage and secondhand over the years, I have amassed a collection of built-to-last pieces I would have never been able to afford new. 

That said, there are some things worth investing in — things you’ll be able to wear for literally decades to come, or easily resell when you’re done with them. “Anything from Chanel to Hermès, to Gucci — those are the pieces you can always resell. Not necessarily for profit, but you won’t lose out on all your money,” points out Jokinen. 

A few months into quarantine, I fell in love with a vintage Gucci Boston bag that I found on The RealReal. Despite it being older with a bit of wear and tear, it was still in good condition. It was pricier than I wanted it to be, but I knew it would last me, as long as I took care of it, and be worth it in the end. Not only was it a classic style — a medium-sized barrel shape with two top handles — but modern iterations of this style still make their way down current Gucci runways. Even at a higher price than some of my other purchases this pandemic, I still ended up paying a quarter of what these bags go for today.

Labels aside, there are a couple of wardrobe staples that are worth spending your hard-earned cash on to ensure that they last season after season; according to Dittmer, “investing in quality shoes, denim, and basics is a good place to start.”

On the other hand, there are some items that aren’t worth shelling out for that you can easily score at a wallet-friendly price (and without running to your local Zara), such as trendier styles that probably won’t be as in-demand a year from now. “Most of the current trends are so easy to shop secondhand, as fashion is largely inspired by past decades,” says Jokinen. “Things go in circles. Plus, by shopping trends secondhand, you can create your own interpretation of them and stand out, which is the fun part!”

For example. one trend that’s been having a moment for a few seasons is the puff sleeve dress. Why spend on a pricy designer item — or a cheap fast fashion duplicate — when you can find plenty of show-stopping pieces straight from the ‘80s? Not only will they be one of a kind, but as Jokinen points out, the quality of pieces over 20 years old is much higher than of clothes produced today, so they’ll last you much longer. That said, do look at what the item is made from when deciding on a purchase. “I would avoid cheap and synthetic fabrications and focus on natural fibers,” says Dittmer. 

Still, if you really want to buy something of-the-moment from a buzzy contemporary brand, it’s possible to do so secondhand. There are plenty of people selling their gently worn pieces on platforms like Vestiaire, Depop, and Series. That’s where I’ve managed to nab pristine Orseund Iris knits and a Stand Studio coat without having to drain my savings account. It just might take you longer to find the exact piece you want. 

Where to shop secondhand

With our ability to shop in person limited due to the pandemic, there’s no longer the thrill of the physical hunt — digging through rack after rack in an overstuffed secondhand shop. However, we can thank the internet gods for giving us access to vintage and consignments from all over the globe and the ability to search exactly what we’re looking for. My new favorite way to shop is through Gem, a platform that aggregates a whopping 30 million products through major luxury designer consignment retailers, online marketplaces like Etsy and eBay, as well as thousands of independent vintage shops. Another great platform is Thrilling, an online marketplace that sells goods from over 130 small vintage stores across the U.S. Compiling an assortment of designer and no-name vintage, it offers a wide range of price points and highlights Black-owned vintage businesses.

For specific designer labels, whether a vintage handbag or something from a contemporary brand, I love shopping on The RealReal, Vestiaire, Heroine. Platforms like Depop, ThredUp, and Poshmark are also great for more affordable brands. 

There are also plenty of independent vintage e-commerce stores to choose from. Personally, I love The NXCVintage Shop for in-your-face colors and prints, Mirth Vintage for neutral wardrobe staples, Berriez for a size-inclusive assortment of colorful statement pieces, The Break for an incredible curation of quality shoes and bags, and Singulier MTL for chic ‘60s and ‘70s retro wares.

Months after beginning this journey, my closet is much more cohesive, and it takes me significantly less time to get dressed. Despite reducing what I owned by 50 percent, I feel like I now have more options because I have pieces that are more wearable and can be mixed and matched together in a number of ways. 

I constantly reach for my classics: the vintage men’s blazers I’ve had for years, my newly downsized collection of denim, basic turtlenecks and tees for layering, Dr. Martens boots, and a vintage burgundy Helmut Lang trench coat my husband scored for me a while back. While filling the gaps, I’ve added a tan leather trench, a handful of plain men’s button-downs, and a vintage leather blazer à la Nanushka into the mix. Next on my list are a simple leather skirt and a pair of high-rise trousers. 

In terms of statement pieces, I still cherish my collections of vintage long-sleeve maxi dresses and colorful mini bags, as well as a pair of vintage platform Prada boots and the aforementioned Marni sandals. However, some of my favorite statement items I own were pandemic purchases: the floor-length logo-covered Fendi winter coat of my dreams, a leather Zayna Bayne harness bra, a satin bustier, and a chunky chain link necklace — all secondhand purchases. 

While I’ve taken the pledge to quit shopping new for the time being, does that mean I’ll never buy another new thing, ever again? Likely not, but, the next time I do choose to, I’ll be much more mindful about what I’m purchasing and who I’m supporting. From brands upcycling deadstock fabrics to ones that have adopted a circular fashion model, there are plenty of small, independent brands, who are trying to combat fashion waste, to turn to should I fail to find something secondhand. “We have so much access to wonderful clothing that I now prioritize brands that are transparent and ethical and that deserve my investment,” confirms Dittmer.

Ultimately, when building a sustainable capsule closet, it’s about starting with what you have in your current closet and changing your consumption habits to be more mindful in the future. Think through each purchase, whether it’s secondhand or from a sustainable label, and make sure it’s something that you’ll wear after the current season comes to an end. Most importantly, take care of the clothes you wear so that you can keep wearing them — and so that someday, someone else can, too.

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If 2020 has given us one thing — and it really only gave us one thing — it has been great and unforgettable music moments. When the world was at its darkest, we learned the “WAP” dance. When everything felt like it would never be normal again, Taylor Swift dropped folklore, an ode to a life lived in seclusion (in a cottage near the woods, specifically). It’s like the music world was making up for the real world, still currently in the throws of a full-on pandemic.

Part of the joy of listening and loving good music is seeing your faves take home a Grammy trophy. And even though award shows are absolutely wild to watch right now thanks to the hazmat suits, the socially distant — or even completely absent — audiences, and the stark reality that none of this really matters (as BTS fans can attest) in the grand scheme of other world events, I am still psyched to see the names and songs that helped get me through this year popping up on the 2021 Grammy nominations list. So let’s hear it for Haim’s Women In Music Pt.III (hello, “3 AM”), and all of Chloe x Halle’s Ungodly Hour, my personal faves from this difficult and trying year. 

Here are the nominees for the 63rd Grammy Awards, as announced via Grammys.com livestream hosted by Harvey Mason Jr, the Recording Academy’s interim president, and special guests like singers Lauren Daigle and Dua Lipa. 

As always, there were a few snubs and surprises. Beyoncé took home nine nominations (a good surprise!), which Selena Gomez, The Weeknd, and Halsey made approximately zero appearances on the nominations. Megan thee Stallion, fresh off dropping her first album Good News, took home her first couple nominations — the first of many, we’re sure — and Taylor Swift pops up a few times, but not nearly as many as Swifties might have expected.

Best Music Video

“Brown Skin Girl,” Beyoncé

“Adore You,” Harry Styles

“Goliath,” Woodkid

“Life Is Good,” Future feat. Drake

“Lockdown,” Anderson.Paak

Best Song Written For Visual Media

“Beautiful Ghosts,” Taylor Swift

“Carried Me With You,” Brandi Carlile

“Into the Unknown,” Idina Menzel and Aurora

“No Time To Die,” Billie Eilish

“Stand Up,” Cynthia Erivo

Record of the Year

“Circles,” Post Malone

“Savage,” Megan Thee Stallion

“Black Parade,” Beyoncé

“Color,” Black Pumas

“Say So,” Doja Cat

“Everything I Wanted,” Billie Eilish

“Don’t Start Now,” Dua Lipa

Album of the Year

Chilombo, Jhene Aiko

Black Pumas, Black Pumas

Everyday Life, Coldplay

Djesse Vol. 3, Jacob Collier

Women In Music Pt. III, Haim

Future Nostalgia, Dua Lipa

Hollywood’s Bleeding, Post Malone

Folklore, Taylor Swift

Song of the Year

“Black Parade,” Beyoncé

“Don’t Start Now,” Dua Lipa

“Everything I Wanted,” Billie Eilish

“The Box,” Roddy Rich

“Circles,” Post Malone

“If The World Was Ending,” Julia Michaels

“I Can’t Breathe,” H.E.R.

Best New Artist

Ingrid Andress

Phoebe Bridgers

Chika

Noah Cyrus

D Smoke

Doja Cat

Kaytranada

Megan Thee Stallion

Best Pop Solo Performance

“Yummy,” Justin Bieber

“Say So,” Doja Cat

“Don’t Start Now,” Dua Lipa

“Watermelon Sugar,” Harry Styles

“cardigan,” Taylor Swift

“everything i wanted,” Billie Eilish

Best Pop Vocal Album

Changes, Justin Bieber

Chromatica, Lady Gaga

Future Nostalgia, Dua Lipa

Fine Line, Harry Styles

Folklore, Taylor Swift

Best Global Music Album

Fu Chronicles Antibalas

Twice As Tall, Burna Boy

Agora, Bebel Gilberto

Love Letters Anoushka Shankar

Amadjar, Tinariwen

Best Rap Album

“Black Habits” D Smoke

“Alfredo,” Freddie Gibbs & The Alchemist

“A Written Testimony,” Jay Electronica

“King’s Disease,” Nas

“The Allegory,” Royca Da 5’9″

Best Country Album

Lady Like, Ingrid Andress

Your Life Is A Record, Brandy Clark

Wildcard, Miranda Lambert

Nightfall, Little Big Town

Never Will, Ashley McBryde

Best R&B Performance

“Lightning and Thunder,” Jhené Aiko feat. John Legend

“Black Parade,” Beyoncé

“Goat Head,” Brittany Howard

“See Me,” Emily King

Best R&B Duo

“Believe It,” Partynextdoor feat. Rihanna

“Savage,” Cardi B feat. Beyoncé

“Say So,” Doja Cat feat. Nicki Minaj

“WAP,” Megan Thee Stallion & Cardi B

Best Country Song

“Bluebird,” Miranda Lambert

“The Bones,” Maren Morris

“Crowded Table,” The Highwomen

“More Hearts Than Mine,” Ingrid Andress

“Some People Do,” Old Diminion

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Morgan Baila, Khareem Sudlow

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After implying that Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib is antisemitic on Twitter, CNN’s Jake Tapper is now being slammed for his bad faith comments. Following news about President-elect Joe Biden appointing Anthony Blinken as Secretary of State, Tlaib tweeted her concerns about the politician’s stance on Israel — and the potential that her criticisms of Netanyahu would be squashed.

When it was announced that Blinken was Biden’s pick for the cabinet position, Faiz Shakir, Bernie Sanders’ former campaign manager, tweeted that he’s a “solid choice.” In response, Tlaib quote-tweeted her remark, saying, “So long as he doesn’t suppress my First Amendment right to speak out against Netanyahu’s racist and inhumane policies. The Palestinian people deserve equality and justice.” 

Tlaib’s reply referred to the Israeli Prime Minister’s response to the humanitarian movement in Palestine. The next day, she further clarified what she meant: “Sec. Pompeo has moved to suppress BDS [Boycott, Divest and Sanctions], a peaceful protest movement protected by the 1st Amendment. I hope that Mr. Blinken and President-elect Biden’s Administration will change course from Trump’s State Department & not target or suppress support of Palestinian human rights.”

However, Tapper weighed in on her first comment in a now-deleted retweet of Tlaib, saying, “[What] is it about Secretary of State–nominee Blinken that he makes the Congresswoman think that he would try to suppress her views about the Prime Minister of Israel? Hmmm.” The tweet clearly insinuated that Tlaib was uneasy about Blinken being Jewish, as opposed to the power he’ll soon wield over foreign relations. 

Just noting that this tweet exists, no further comment pic.twitter.com/0Kh48aIyYx

— David Klion (@DavidKlion) November 24, 2020

Shortly after he was called out for implying Tlaib’s comments were antisemitic, Tapper deleted the tweet. Then, he rewrote it: “Blinken and Biden are both on the record opposing efforts to punish/sanction BDS (though they also oppose BDS) so I’m not sure what it is about Blinken that would prompt this tweet.”

Still, his first tweets gained too much attention before being taken down for the targeted attack on Tlaib. “It says a lot that someone with your level of bigoted hatred can not only succeed at a place like CNN but be celebrated by liberals around the country. I guess targeting your racism and hate at Muslims makes it okay,” tweeted journalist Eoin Higgins. Many leveled criticisms at Tapper for targeting Tlaib for being a Muslim, and clearly misrepresenting and misunderstanding her original tweets about Israel on purpose.

As a Palestinian-American, Tlaib has often held the Israeli government accountable for occupying Palestine, and has advocated for the United States to end its aid to the country. In addition to this criticism, she’s often expressed support for the BDS movement there: She was also one of 17 members of Congress to vote against a resolution that would condemn BDS.

Despite all of this, Tlaib has consistently been labeled antisemitic for her concerns around Israel and Israeli leadership. But she’s continued to explain that she has nothing against Israeli people themselves, only the effect that the Israeli government has had on Palestinians. As of publication, Jake Tapper has not yet issued an apology to Tlaib for his insinuations, and she has not responded to or acknowledged his statements — though many have come to her defense to point out the true meaning of her concerns.

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Elly Belle, Khareem Sudlow

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This year, many people are making the difficult decision to not spend Thanksgiving with their families (what with COVID cases back on the rise and wanting to keep loved ones safe). That’s why our chosen families — the close friends we’re safely spending time with during quarantine — are proving to be more crucial than ever. In the video above, watch how the members of Sazon, an inclusive Latinx DJ collective, are continuing to rely on each other this holiday season by creating tracks, cooking meals with RITZ, and simply making the most of the present moment.

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I have a distinct memory of my dad telling me a certain boyfriend “wasn’t worth it”. I was 16. It had been my first love, and we’d just broken up. “You’re a beautiful girl, Laura,” my dad said to me, while driving. “You’re smart and you don’t have to put up with someone that makes you sad.” It’s simple advice, but it stuck. I reminded myself of his words often in the following years, usually following a breakup.

But when my longest relationship ended late last year, my dad was no longer able to give me the same speech. The breakup unfortunately coincided with the gradual loss of my father to dementia. It was a horrible experience: I found out that my boyfriend of five years had cheated on me while I was visiting my parents in New Zealand. My dad’s health was rapidly deteriorating and my mum feared it would be the last time I saw him, so I attempted to hide my heartbreak. 

I flew back to New York, where my partner and I lived together, to find myself single for the first time since college. After the official split, one of the first places my mind went to was that conversation I had as a teenager with my dad. While my ex-boyfriend packed his bags and moved out, the memory of those words was my only source of comfort. 

Very quickly, I entered the dating world — for all the wrong reasons. My ex had started seeing someone in Paris, parading her to places we had visited only a few months prior, on an anniversary trip no less. My natural reaction was to enter the unspoken game of who cares less. I developed a routine: Go out on a date that I wasn’t ready for, come home alone to a house that felt empty, check my ex’s Instagram stories, then message or call my mother to ask how my father was doing in the dementia home he had just moved into back in New Zealand. 

During this time, it’s no surprise that the connections I made weren’t healthy. I downplayed the heartbreak I felt over my ex and completely avoided talking about the nightmare happening at home. I accepted treatment that I otherwise wouldn’t have, grew tired of people quickly, and ended things with anyone who was remotely “too nice” to me. “You’re just too happy, and I’m really not,” is an excuse I’m ashamed to admit I used. 

I was grieving the slow loss of my father and the abrupt loss of my relationship. My ex-boyfriend had become like family to me, and I was living far away from our home in New Zealand. In that state, my search for a new partner was getting confused with a search for a sense of security. But I quickly learned that forcing intimacy with someone I wasn’t entirely into left me feeling worse than I did alone. I’d often leave dates wishing I liked the person, giving them a second or third date in the hopes that I eventually would, then starting over with someone new when I realized I was ultimately uninterested.

By luck, I ended up on a date with someone who soon became my best friend. Though we were both unavailable for a romantic relationship, we went to events together, had movie nights, and scheduled dinners every week, in a dynamic that felt comforting and loving. He was also a writer, and we’d read each other’s work and have lengthy discussions about our concerns around romance. Slowly, I began to open up to him about my father. While he moved away during the pandemic, in hindsight, I can see how our interactions gave me insight into how a less traditional partnership could take shape, creating something that’s sustainable, and enjoyable, for the more long-term future. We’re still building on our relationship everyday. 

My father passed away a few months ago, in August. By then, I found myself in a place where dating was the lowest thing on my priority list — and instead of reaching out to a new partner, I was immediately surrounded by love and support from true friends. While I’d already decided to be more intentional with dating, my dad’s words to me as a teenager took on a new importance. They became a guiding force, encouraging me to cut ties with anyone who wasn’t adding value to my life and to unlearn the societal pressure that teaches us that our worth as humans comes from how desirable other people find us to be. For me, this looks like speaking to fewer people, saying no more often, and putting more energy into friendships and self-development. 

I put this into practice during my first dating experience since my father’s passing. During dinner, I noticed that I wasn’t feeling supported. My date spoke over me while I discussed my work and made subtle jokes about my interests, even though he had very few of his own. However good he seemed on paper and however faint the orange flags may have been, my father’s advice inspired me to opt out of seeing what the next date would bring. While this may seem like a small step, it felt empowering to choose to be single rather than pursuing the wrong relationship for the sake of being in one. 

Three months since my dad’s death, that ongoing work has led to me being the most happily single I’ve ever been. Without my dad to look out for me, I’ve found myself more eager to look out for myself. I’ve also made the decision to keep my family name if I ever decide to get married (something I’m very much on the fence about). While there have been moments where the loss has left me feeling the urge to make more connections, I’ve built a complete life outside of dating that I hope will only be complemented (not made) by anyone I choose romantically. 

I doubt my father had any idea that a car conversation we had about a teenage boyfriend would become my go-to principal through dating as an adult. But his advice rings true for all of us. Too often the pressure to feel desirable or not be alone, especially for female-identifying people, leads us into romantic situations that are just not “worth it.” Interrogating that idea has led me to a healthier outlook on being single. Guided by father’s wisdom, deprioritizing romance during this time has been more fulfilling than I ever expected. Which is why it’s also my plan moving forward. For my dad’s sake, I intend to advocate for myself as strongly as I know he would, if he was still alive. 

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Laura Pitcher, Khareem Sudlow