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Gaslighting in Relationships: 9 Signs Its Happening and How to Make It Stop

The term “gaslighting” has become a fairly recognized term ever since the Oxford Dictionary named it one of the most popular words of 2018, courtesy of a viral article that speculated President Donald Trump rose to power by gaslighting the nation. 

The behavior’s origin comes from 1938 play “Gas Light,” where British playwright Patrick Hamilton tells the story of Gregory, a husband who manipulates his wife into believing she can no longer trust her perceptions of reality. He does this in various ways throughout the film, but the titular scene occurs when Gregory secretly flickers the gas lights on and off in their home from the attic. When Paula comments on the flickering, Gregory tells her it’s not happening, causing her to doubt what she perceives to be true. 

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The theme has continued to stay a prominent one in popular culture, playing a large part in the newest iteration of “The Invisible Man”, starring Elizabeth Moss and Oliver Jackson-Cohen. 

These days, gaslighting is frequently employed to describe a specific, yet common, type of toxic relationship. AskMen spoke with experts to better understand what gaslighting is, how to spot the signs in a relationship and how to recover from it. 

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting in a relationship occurs when one partner uses manipulation tactics to undermine the self-perception of the other by regularly dismissing their feelings as untrue, crazy, ridiculous or unworthy. Eventually, when repeated enough, the victim accepts these false realities as the truth, which can have a long-term impact on one’s emotional, psychological and even physical well-being.

Gaslighting is a common behavior among narcissists, or those with narcissistic personality disorder. According to Healthline, these people tend to believe they are more important than others, lack empathy and don’t have the time (or interest)  in helping others unless it benefits them. In other cases, the person who is gaslighting doesn’t even know it. It could merely be a bad habit picked up from relationships they were raised around. 

Warning Signs Of Gaslighting

The main goal of gaslighting is to belittle the victim to the point where there is an uneven power dynamic within the relationship. If the behavior defined above seems familiar of your partner, be on the lookout for these warning signs:

1. They never take responsibility

Couples counselor Kari Rusnak warns that if your partner cannot take responsibility for any wrongdoing, and never responds to or validates your concerns, they may be gaslighting.

2. Their conversations confuse you

“Another warning sign is often feeling confused in conversation with this person,” says Rusnak. “If you often leave an argument unsure of how the topic changed or what happened, you may be a victim.”

3. You doubt your own thoughts

According to Dr. Gail Saltz, associate professor of Psychiatry at the NY Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine, if you regularly trust their words and diminish your own, their gaslighting tactics have started to take effect.

4. You become more quiet and timid

During confrontation, do you find yourself either apologizing or silencing yourself? Consider it a sign. The same goes for if you always think it’s your fault when things go wrong.

5. You’re told you’re being crazy

Your partner tells you that you’re crazy or have some sort of problem in a way that feels contemptuous.

6. You’ve lost your sense of self

You no longer feel like the person you used to be, or often question whether you’re being too sensitive when feeling hurt by your partner.

7. They project their issues onto you

“Projection is a very common sign of gaslighting,” notes Rusnak. “When someone takes their own problems and accuses you of having that problem, they may be using it as a gaslighting tactic.” 

8. You suddenly lack self-esteem

Your partner should always build you up, but gaslighters will do the opposite. “Gaslighting's goal is to make you seem like you’re the one with the problem and if you didn't feel bad about yourself before the relationship it's a sign that you may be experiencing gaslighting,” says Rusnak.

9. You feel isolated from friends and family

You’ve distanced yourself from friends and family, regularly making excuses for your partner’s behavior. 

How to Recover From Gaslighting

Repairing the damage caused by gaslighting is far from easy. Before either of you begin to recover, you have to recognize that as gaslighting is affecting the entire relationship, both people must be willing to change the dynamic.

“The victim should write down what they want to discuss with their partner, reread it and focus on their reality and feelings,” recommends Saltz. “The emphasis for both parties should be on feelings and not right or wrong facts.” 

Ultimately, the partner who is gaslighting needs to recognize what their behavior is doing, accept the victim’s feelings and hopefully learn to stop criticizing their partner. In order for this to happen, both Saltz and Rusnak recommend couples therapy to learn effective communication and listening skills. 

“In Gottman Method couples therapy, the therapist will aim to seek out negative behaviors like contempt and defensiveness and work on using their antidotes of communicating your own feelings and needs, as well as accepting responsibility which would help someone who uses gaslighting in their relationship,” says Rusnak.

If things don’t pan out, use that time to move on, rediscovering who you are. There’s a good chance you’re going to be hard on yourself (since you’ve been trained to), so practice self-care and be a little selfish for once. You should also block all contact from this person.

From there, learn to reconnect with yourself. You’ve been living somebody else’s reality for too long. If you surround yourself with people who make you feel good, eventually, their vibes will rub off on you, erasing all of your past partner’s lies.

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How to Meet Other Men

Queer people are the earliest adopters of online dating apps and websites. The reason why? Well, dating apps and sites inform us of a potential mate’s sexual identity, which protects us from potential harm should we express interest in someone who may not share the same preference as we do.

We do have gay bars, of course, but if you’ve ever been to one, you know that they’re crowded with an indiscernible mix of gays, straights and very few people actually looking to date. Apps have followed in similar fashion, especially among gay men. This is totally fine, but looking for something long-term can be a downright dreadful search for you.

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Research published in “Psychology & Sexuality” found that those seeking dates or relationships on gay apps report lower levels of satisfaction, self-esteem and higher levels of loneliness, whereas those who seek sexual partners were the opposite. With sex as their primary purpose, this shouldn’t come as a shock – only 20 percent of users are seeking a relationship. This leaves relatively no prominent apps for gay men who are looking to date (we had Chappy for a hot minute, but that’s gone now).

This research also found the frequency with which men logged onto the apps was associated with greater loneliness, reduced life satisfaction and a reduced sense of connection to the LGBTQ+ community, and frankly, that’s just not OK.

To help men seeking love over sex with other men, AskMen has sourced the best apps, websites and spaces for doing so.

Ways to Meet Men Outside of Bars

If sweaty circuit parties and crowded drag shows don’t spell romance for you, there are plenty of alternative ways to meet and connect with other queer hotties in the community. Give these following suggestions, offered by queer people who’ve met their partners this way, a try — we’ll await your wedding invitation in the mail.

Go to Gay-Hosted House Parties:

Besides an app, the best way to meet gay people is through other gay people. Instead of spending the night in with Ramen noodles and RuPaul, get dressed and go to that party. If hosted by a gay person, there’s a good chance you’re going to meet other gays.

Take Raf, 32, for example, who met his husband of four years while both were waiting to use the bathroom at a mutual friend’s party. “After we relieved ourselves, we spent the whole night talking and went on a date the next day,” he told AskMen. Not only can the host or friends help with introductions, a house party offers the kind of volume and atmosphere that encourages much more social interaction.

Join a Gay Sports League:

Dodgeball, basketball, rugby — the choice is yours. While gays and mainstream sports have not always been bedfellows, we’ve made a league of our own without judgement where queer people can meet, bond and be aggressive, b-e-aggressive. If nothing else, joining a sports team will open you up to an entirely new social circle, who can then introduce you to an even larger bevy of potential partners, and so on.

Volunteer at a Local LGBTQ+ Non-Profit:

Every major city boasts local LGBTQ non-profits, which are not only a great way to feed your soul and give back to the community, but introduces you to other queer people as well. There are many great non-profits for a number of worthwhile causes, so choose those you’re most passionate about, and do some good while meeting new people who share your same values.

Get Set Up by Friends

As previously mentioned, the best way to meet gay people is through other gay people – who knows your taste better than your friends?

“My boyfriend and I were set up on a blind date by two mutual friends of ours in Los Angeles,” says Trent, 22. “After our first coffee date, we knew we wanted to keep exploring the city together. Over a year later, we're still together checking out the best coffee shops around the city!”

Friends are a free matchmaking service without filling out an hour’s worth of personal info. They know what you’re looking for (commitment, sex, dating, etc.), your type and will set you up with someone they’re close to, which means they probably aren’t going to murder you.

Attend a Fetish Convention

Another hurdle for gay people is positional preference. Questions about topping and bottoming can be very personal, but are much less taboo in sex positive spaces. Jasper, 30, met his partner at MAL.

“It’s more of a party, shopping and social vibe,” he says. “If you are a kinkster or want to be one/have relationships that involve kink, I would highly suggest it.”

Jasper is in a polyamorous relationship, and says attending fetish kink and poly conventions made it easier for him to find someone who’s also poly. Obviously, if you’re attending an event for a particular kink you enjoy, it’s a safe bet that others in attendance are into the same things sexually.

Join a Queer Facebook Group

However you identify on the queer scale with whatever interest, there is likely a Facebook group dedicated to it. Aaron, 34, was part of a Facebook group for bears in Atlanta, and the group always planned monthly outings to meet and socialize with one another. It was at these events that Aaron met his last two boyfriends – one at a “bear brunch” and the other at a group-sanctioned happy hour.

“Unfortunately that group doesn’t meet anymore,” he says. “But when I go to Atlanta, there is a bear dinner. Last time, there were 30 guys in attendance.”

Frequent Any Queer Space:

We live in a heteronormative world where society primarily caters to straight people. As a result, we’ve created our own spaces to socialize and learn about our city’s queer identity in our own ways. The more familiar you beome with your city’s queer community, the more events you will be aware of through social media or word of mouth. An example: Many cities host events for queer gamers to play video games together at a bar or coffee shop. How fun is that?

The Best Gay Dating Sites & Apps

Unfortunately, there really aren’t many online options available strictly for gay men wanting to date. However, mainstream dating apps and sites are beginning to offer more options for queer people ... and it’s about damn time. Below are the dating sites and apps that we’d recommend you download if you’re looking to meet other men.

Bumble:

Unfortunately, Bumble’s dating app for gay men, Chappy, is no more. The app, which billed itself as “the space for gay connections,” will officially be donezo on February 28, 2020. In their farewell message, Chappy attests there is “already a huge community of gay men in Bumble looking for healthy, safe and respectful connections in love, work and life.” While your connections from Chappy will not be carried over, Chappy users who make the switch will get a free week of Bumble’s premium subscription when you register. Nevertheless, we should applaud and acknowledge Bumble for giving the gays a legitimate dating app. It’s not their fault it failed, it’s ours for not using it.

Tinder:

While primarily for the straights, Tinder has recently made significant progress in making their app more queer-friendly. In 2019, Tinder launched two new features, the first being “Orientation” which allows users to select their sexual orientation. While this took way too long, they almost make up for it by acknowledging that the options will “continue to evolve and change, just like sexuality.”

Their second feature is “Travel Alert,” which protects LGBTQ+ users when they enter any of the 70 countries that have laws criminalizing queer people. The feature will alert LGBTQ+ users when they open the app in one of these countries so they can avoid unknowingly placing themselves in danger. Progress: We love to see it.

OkCupid:

Of the many mainstream platforms, OkCupid appears to have gone the furthest, offering 22 gender and 13 sexual orientation options to choose from, as well as creating a designated area for defining pronouns on your profile. Over the past year, 15 percent of new OkCupid users identified as LGBT and the app is happy to have us. They’ve included LGBTQIA-specific questions to their sign-up process, which have been a central part of the OKC experience. While there are many niche gay dating sites out there, they don’t host a fraction of the members (or standards) more mainstream sites do.

Grindr:

While we do caution against using Grindr for dating, it is the most widely used gay dating app on the planet – an online survey suggests ¾ of single gay men are on it. Basically, it makes this list because it casts the widest net and resources are scarce. No matter your opinion, Grindr is a pioneer in this space, being consistently clean and straightforward while using GPS to source nearby dates, hookups or friends. Grindr is free, but the premium feature, Grindr XTRA or Grindr Unlimited (which begins at $16.99 a month), allows you to see unlimited men in your area, and get more specific with your filter searches with no ad interference.

Scruff:

Scruff is second in command to Grindr. When it launched as an alternative to Grindr in 2010, they wanted to appeal to scruffier types, but now, the app hosts 15 million users worldwide and 31 percent of gay men use the app. While it’s trailing Grindr in popularity, it wins in overall user satisfaction. Like Grindr, Scruff uses geolocation to source profiles and is free to use, but its features are limited. Scruff PRO memberships range from $11.99 to $99.99. Something unique to Scruff? The app allows users to check out queer events in your area, which allows gay men to meet in safe spaces and connect in real life. Scruff was also the first to include options for members of the military and the transgender community.

Growlr:

Growlr is a more niche version of Scruff, primarily marketed toward bears and huskier, harrier men. The app, like Grindr and Scruff, uses geolocation technology to source potential mates for whatever type of connection you’re seeking. Currently, Growlr hosts a fraction of users that the other popular gay dating apps do, but that’s to be expected when you’re marketing to a fraction of the gay community. The app makes this list because it has big plans for the future, with hopes of introducing live-streaming capabilities and others separate from dating for entertainment.

Instagram and Twitter:

Not technically dating apps, but hear us out. On most social platforms, gays congregate, forming an allyship stronger than Michelle Obama’s arms, where we religiously like each other’s pictures, give compliments and otherwise share good vibes. In this type of environment, slipping into DMs is very common and sometimes encouraged. Also, these social platforms, unlike most dating apps, don’t filter users by gender or orientation, so you won’t be misgendered or be limited to seeing people we might be attracted to.

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How To Deal With a Toxic Family for Your Partners Happiness

You’ve met the love of your life. You’re happy beyond belief, and your family can’t wait to meet the person who is making their child so happy until … things don’t go as planned.

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The energy is off, your mother won’t stop rolling her eyes and dad can’t be bothered to communicate. Instead of things getting better, the meeting is a harbinger of worse things to come. Of course, this is nothing new. In-laws have always been a royal pain in the ass – sometimes literally.

Take Prince Harry, for instance. Harry recently relinquished he and wife Meghan Markle’s royal titles as Duke and Duchess of Sussex due to the relentless, and often racist, attacks on the couple by the British tabloids. Having witnessed his mother experience similar torment in the past, Harry chose to spare his wife at the expense of the royal family.

To help us everyday folks navigate this unfortunate yet all too common circumstance, AskMen spoke to experts on what we can do when our partners and in-laws aren’t getting along.

Why Can In-Laws Be So Difficult Sometimes?

The answer all boils down to control. Bringing a new partner into the family means change. Holidays and other events will be different moving forward, and that can be a tough pill for some families to swallow.

Parents often “forget” that their child is no longer a child. By refusing to acknowledge that it’s time their romantic relationship becomes the dominant relationship, it ultimately creates a tug-of-war between family and partner.

“Some parents don’t want to lose influence over their adult child and will interfere in decisions that couples try making together,” says author, marriage coach and relationship expert Lesli Doares. “Some families struggle being flexible and try to impose their way of doing things without understanding that it’s disrespectful.”

Of course, a family’s intent is often not sinister. Parents want what’s best for their child, so if they feel their partner is getting in the way of that, they may feel it’s their duty to get involved. But, like it or not, family alignments have to change when someone new is introduced.

Making an Attempt to End the Tug-of-War

As the partner whose family is presenting a problem, you may not be able to grasp the severity of the problem at hand. After all, it’s the way they’ve always known things, so you might think your partner is blowing things out of proportion. This just means that you must validate your partner’s perspective before the relationship falls apart, ensuring that your primary alliance is to one another.

Once everybody has agreed on the problem, that’s when the tough part starts. “The child of the family must have a conversation with their family about the new boundaries,” says Daores. “The first conversation can assume the family is unaware of what they are doing or the problems they might be causing.”

Prepare for defensiveness when initiating the conversation, but don’t accuse anybody of anything. “Just say that you are setting new parameters,” continues Doares. “Don’t threaten them, and be as specific as possible about the changes you are requesting. Allow them to ask clarifying questions and give them ample time to make the changes.”

It’s just unrealistic to expect your family to comply entirely with your requests, so have a standard of what’s acceptable before you tackle the most harmful behaviors first.

If changes happen, make sure you acknowledge them. If things don’t change, have another, more severe, conversation. “This one needs to have teeth,” she says. “Say, if you can’t be respectful to my partner, we will leave. Then follow through. These aren’t threats but enforcement of boundaries.”

If things still don’t pan out, consider speaking to a therapist.

“I have worked with many adults, their spouses, and their parents, and when both parties were reasonable and wanted to make peace, they were able to learn a process where both sides could be understood and validated,” says Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, a professional counsellor and relationship therapist.

One of the more successful tools is the “Imago Dialogue,” which Slatkin says curbs reactivity and enables people to truly understand and listen to another. “Even if the situation seems irreparable, I have seen estranged family members reconcile with this process,” he says.

When Is It Time to Ex-Communicate Your Partner?

“Ex-communication is a serious step and shouldn’t be thrown out lightly,” says Doares. “It should only occur after all efforts at negotiation fail to create an atmosphere that everyone can live with.”

To this point, it’s important for the punishment to fit the crime. When the family makes it abundantly clear by their behavior that they will not honor the boundaries you’ve set either through conversation or therapy, ex-communication may be the only option.

“The child doesn’t have to cut all ties, but must not subject their partner (or children) to the unacceptable behavior that continues,” explains Doares. “Ex-communication is a serious step and shouldn’t be thrown out lightly. It should only occur after all efforts at negotiation fail to create an atmosphere that everyone can live with.”

As for Slatkin, he agrees, stating that “[ex-communication] is the best option when it becomes unbearable.”

“It is the last possible move and should be permanent if you have tried multiple approaches to reach a respectful arrangement between all parties,” he says. “Because I work with people in high stakes relationships often with business, finances and multiple generations involved, it is certainly not to be taken lightly but certainly to be taken seriously when the decision has been made.”

Ultimately, if your family is unwilling to work things out after one, two or several conversations, and you’ve tried every possible solution to resolve the conflict, it may be best to consider a break before cutting ties as it’s far less permanent.

This will give both sides a chance to reflect, granting them time to think about what they can do to change for the good of the relationship.

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The Ultimate Guide to Dating a Gamer

If you think video games are a niche hobby, think again. According to the Entertainment Software Association, 63 percent of American households host at least one frequent gamer. And contrary to popular belief, men aren’t the only ones playing with their joysticks. The Association found that 59 percent of gamers are male, 41 percent are female and almost 50 percent range from age 18 to 49. So if you’re actively seeking a partner, there’s a good chance they’re into playing games … video games, that is.

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To assist in this probable circumstance, we spoke with a few gamers and dating experts for their cheat codes to a successful relationship.

The Ultimate Guide to Dating a Gamer

Try to Make Gaming a Mutual Activity

Gamers aren’t the antisocial basement dwellers often portrayed in the media. They’re regular people who don’t mind having others involved in the gaming experience. In fact, for a gamer like Matt, 23, from New Jersey, a partner with a receptive attitude toward gaming is rare, and therefore, incredibly valued.

“My partner once told me that she doesn’t mind when I game when we’re together because she knows how passionate I am about it,” he says. “It’s one of the only things that I truly love and care about, and her understanding that is really special to me.”

Matt’s partner Kelly doesn’t understand the appeal of video games, but he says her empathy toward his interests have taught him if you support the passions of the people you love, your relationship with them will grow exponentially.

“Obviously, there can be some tension with a partner who’s a gamer, but that would be the same for any hobby if it was taking away time [together],” says Hunt Ethridge, dating coach and professed gamer. “For me personally, it works out well. My wife loves to read and play around on her phone, so we both like to snuggle and do our respective hobbies next to each other and chat. I love the fact that we are both doing something we love, and still talk and joke around with each other.”

Ethridge says that if one partner doesn’t like to play video games, many titles offer gripping storylines that makes spectatorship just as entertaining. He offers titles like The Wolf Among Us, Life Is Strange and Beyond: Two Souls to illustrate his point.

“They’re more like graphic novels/movies than actual games, so there is an interesting plot line, characters, and interest to a non-gaming partner,” he notes. “You can continuously work your way through the game together.”

Matt and Kelly will watch gaming live streams together on Twitch, and are particularly fond of broadcasts by CDNthe3rd. “He often hosts ‘movie nights,’ where he plays a single player game’s story mode,” describes Matt, who will make nachos and pour wine for the occasion. “It’s like watching a stand-up comic narrate an interactive movie. It’s a free, fun source of entertainment that Kelly and I both enjoy.”

Like a binge-worthy series, you can play the game whenever you’re with your partner so that neither of you will miss a single sequence, embarking on the adventure together. For a wider library of games that are just as fun to watch as they are to play, Sterling, a 31-year-old gamer from the Netherlands, recommends the Girlfriend Reviews YouTube channel.

Be Teammates, Not Opponents

If you’re open to gaming with your partner, gamers recommend you play co-op, so you work toward a common goal rather than against each other. “We love remote co-op games like Borderlands,” says Benjie, a 31-year-old gamer from Toronto. “Having nights in and playing games together has always been a big part of our romance. Some couples might snuggle and watch movies – we snuggle and blow up aliens.”

Benjie and his boyfriend Jasper have regular date nights where they’ll stage the living room for gaming, moving their couch closer to the TV, flicking on some mood lighting and diving right into the latest co-op game that’s captured their interest.

Based on gamer testimony, Diablo 3, Minecraft, and Overcooked are all entertaining co-op games, with Borderlands and its sequels deemed most popular. If these don’t appeal to you, there are many other co-op titles available across all platforms.

Things for Gamers to Consider When Dating

As with many things, gaming is best done in moderation. Amongst the gamers quoted here, the weekly hours dedicated to their consoles range from two to 30. As gaming addiction is not entirely uncommon, it’s important to keep yourself or your partner in check by communicating regularly.

“Gaming has definitely caused a few issues in our relationship that were mostly due to me being selfish or unappreciative,” admits Matt. During the beginning of their relationship, he and Kelly were long distance, making the time they had together especially valuable. “One weekend, she took time out of her busy schedule to visit me for a day, and a half and I wasted a third of her visit gaming.”

When she left, Matt missed her terribly, feeling guilty for how inconsiderate he was. This shaped his future behavior. “You’re bound to have a few issues during a relationship as long as ours, but it could’ve easily been avoided,” he admits. If you think your gaming is getting out of hand, it’s not a bad idea to start logging your hours.

“[Gamers] will invariably play more than you expected,” says Huntridge. “And that's fine as long as it doesn't impinge on your time together. Any activity or hobby can be troublesome or addictive if it takes over too much.”

Christian, a 24-year-old gamer from Rochester, agrees. “Gamers need to realize that they can’t dedicate all of their time to gaming once they start dating,” he says. “Your time is now going to have to involve the other person, and you won’t be able to spend hours playing games anymore and that’s a tough transition for both members. The non-gamer has to realize that there will be a time where the gamer has to learn how to change their habits, and can’t expect change to happen immediately.”

Sometimes, Huntridge believes gamers can be judged by their partners unfairly, many of whom say gaming is a waste of time. “These are the same people that stare at their phones for four hours straight, or binge the entire season of ‘The Bachelor’ without thinking anything of it,” he says.

There are so many types of gamers out there – retro gamers, online gamers, MMO gamers, professional gamers, console gamers, PC gamers— each with their own identity. Because of that, Huntridge recommends that non-gamers take some time to learn about their partner’s type of gaming to better understand the hobby.

Whether you want to join in or not, gaming has a lot to offer couples. Embrace what you can tolerate, and communicate what you can’t. What you shouldn’t do? Expect someone to drop gaming entirely.

You wouldn’t ask a sports fanatic to stop watching sports, would you? It’s no different with gaming – one just happens to be more socially accepted than the other.

Are you ready to play?

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Best Local Date Ideas When Its Cold AF Out

The weather outside is frightful, and for many, so is dating. When you combine never wanting to leave the house with the prospect of meeting someone new, it can be easy to swipe left and spend the night spooning a pillow watching a spectacular lineup of holiday cinema.

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But how much do you actually know about dating during the winter? Dating app Hinge found men were 15 percent more likely to seek a female companion during the winter compared to other seasons, and Facebook data shows people often change their relationship status to “in a relationship” between October and February.

This may less coincidental, and more biological. A study from the University of Wroclaw in Poland revealed men find women’s bodies most attractive in the winter, even compared to bikini-clad summer. It is argued this is because our tendency to bundle up leaves more to the imagination. Other research shows testosterone production is seasonal, and spikes in the months leading up to winter.

This would explain “cuffing season,” the recent phenomenon which entered the millennial lexicon in 2011 courtesy of Urban Dictionary. The problem with this? Hibernal weather hinders both our enthusiasm to date and potential date ideas, too, since most outdoor options are off the table.

To conjure some worthwhile ideas, we spoke with a number of dating experts to share their favorite winter date ideas. Sure, a Lifetime Christmas marathon is great, but sharing that moment with someone you care about it is even better.

Trivia Night

Drinks at a bar is a classic idea, but why not take things up a notch by treating your date to a trivia night? Based on the texts you’ve shared at this point, you likely have a grasp of their interests, so choose a thematic trivia that they would excel (think “Game of Thrones,” Harry Potter” and so on).

“This is a fun way to induce bonding with teamwork and laughter, all while getting to know your date in a casual atmosphere,” says dating and relationship coach Deanna Cobden. “You also get to see how quick-witted they may or may not be, insight into their hobbies and interests, and emotional intelligence by how they handle a little friendly competition.”

If you aren’t into trivia, you could also take advantage of ping pong or arcade games they might have for a similar experience.

Paint and Sip Night

“Studies show that doing something creative together increases the feeling of well-being in a relationship,” shares Cobden. To this point, she recommends a “paint and sip night” for a first date. You’re all given a canvas, some paint, some brushes and booze, then asked to recreate the same image as the instructor.

“Painting will give you this benefit while bypassing the monotony of the typical interview-style coffee date and see if there’s chemistry,” she adds. “Even if the date doesn’t turn out or even better if it does, you walk away with a fun story and a nice souvenir.”

Host a Cozy Night In

With Netflix and chill being for flings, if you want to show you care for somebody, you’re going to have to do better than that if you decide to stay in.

“Do you remember all those times in childhood where we had epic fun with the little things we made ourselves?” asks Mary J. Gibson, a dating and relationship expert at DatingXP. “Imagine how content you can be when you and your date do something together when it is freezing outside.”

For a memorable night in, she recommends traditional yet nostalgic activities that hug you like a warm blanket: making a chocolate fondue, building house forts and playing board games. “Plan something if there is a winner and the other person has to do something fun for the winner,” she adds. “You can surely spice things up!”

Go Ice Skating

If you’re up for braving the cold, embrace your athletic side with a little bit of ice skating.

“You may be clumsy and fall over a few times but that is OK,” says Gibson. “You can laugh over each other’s major embarrassments. Just have fun while you’re at it.”

Afterward, unlace those skates, grab a hot chocolate or coffee and watch others flail on the ice. This is the only season you can skate outdoors, so seize the opportunity and embrace those romantic vibes.

Attend a Cooking Class

Can’t cook? Here’s an opportunity to learn how.

“You’re doing something fun and proactive, and even if you don’t fancy your date, you can learn a new skill,” says dating expert and Lumen co-founder Charly Lester. “In my experience, dates work better when you’re side by side, rather than face-to-face because it feels less like an interview.”

Cooking is inherently cozy and a great way to express creativity by working as a team. At the very least, your creation makes for a good meal (or photo opp). If you went to get real optimistic, it might even be the recipe for love, too.

Visit a Museum or Art Gallery

For a more cultured experience, escort you date to the nearest art gallery or museum exhibit.

“Dating is a great opportunity to play tourist in your own town,” says Lumen. “And by doing something you want to do anyway you’re not wasting your time.”

It’s a far cry from a predictable movie date, and something that’s far more memorable, offers introspection and welcomes conversation.

Attempt to Survive an Escape Room

Escape rooms are everywhere these days. It’s a bolder choice, sure, but a lot of fun nonetheless. Some are even designed for two.

“It can be an amazing adventure and a real bonding experience,” says Lumen says, but warns that “as you bark orders at each other and panic in your quest to get out, you may not see your date’s best side!”

All things considered, better to get the bad parts out of the way early, right?

Dates With Alcohol

Nothing warms the body quite like a generous pour of alcohol and, assuming you and your date have a safe way home, there’s no harm indulging in a cocktail or two. If you have (or the alcohol provides) the confidence, take your date out dancing.

“There’s nothing sexier than dancing and getting your rhythm going together,” says Rori Sassoon, a relationship expert, author and co-founder of Platinum Poire. “Being able to dance and have fun around everyone is the foreplay so you can’t wait to be alone together.”

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Comedian Michael Yo Is Calling Out Ghosters on Hinges New Podcast

No behavior better captures the current dating climate than ghosting. Of all the ridiculous dating terms crowding up our feeds – breadcrumbing, benching, orbiting and so on –  ghosting remains at the forefront.

First established in 2004 as a slang term by Urban Dictionary, ghosting has grown to become such a phenomenon that it was recognized by Merriam-Webster in 2017. This is to say we’re familiar with ghosting, we know it’s unethical and yet it’s more popular than ever before. 

So popular, in fact, that it’s gone on to become the main topic of conversation for Ghost Stories, the first podcast by dating app Hinge.

RELATED: 10 Brand New Terms to Add to Your Growing Dating Dictionary

In each episode, comedians Michael Yo and Syndee Washington examine certain ghosting stories, serving as narrators, coaches and referees as those who’ve been ghosted confront their ghost (or vice versa) live in studio. In hearing these testimonies, Yo and Washington act as unofficial experts on the subject, bringing a certain sense of light and understanding to this often polarizing circumstance. 

We spoke with Yo to discuss what he’s learned about dating’s most infamously reprehensible behavior since he started hosting the podcast.

AskMen: In hearing so many ghost stories, have you found ghosting behavior defensible in any way? In the first episode, it was easy to side with both Ben and Lindsay for separate reasons. 

Michael Yo: That’s what I love about this podcast. Though every story starts from the same place, they end up totally different. I thought anyone that ghosts another person, that person would be mad, but you see growth in different people and how different people approach getting ghosted.

One thing I’ve noticed is you need to set your intentions from the beginning. Lindsay was in it for fun, but Ben was like, “Oh my God. She’s the one!” And they never talked about it. If you’re on a first date and they say, “I’m looking for a person I can settle down with,” and you’re not in that mode, you would be like, “Oh my God, they’re a stalker.” But if you’re in that mode, you’re like, “This is the best thing ever!” Set the intentions upfront, even on the first date.

The podcast does a really great job of humanizing the ghost. Do you agree that the ghost isn’t always the bad one in these situations?

Everybody has been in the ghost role. It’s funny, when you’re the ghost you’re like, “I’m not a bad person.” But if you get ghosted, “Oh my God, that person is horrible.” Ghost Stories shows this balance. Once you hear both sides of the story, you begin to realize they’re humans. 

Hinge

What’s your opinion on those who ghost?

Ghosts are cowards. I know that’s a harsh word, but they’re being cowardly. What’s funny is ghosts will say, “I don’t want to hurt their feelings.” Where the truth is, you don’t want to be put in that awkward situation. You may not want to hurt their feelings, but that’s not the main reason you’re not telling them. You don’t want to look like a bad person. It’s more about you than them. 

And why do you think ghosting has become so popular? Has the digital era influenced us to cut people off without explanation? 

I think it’s easier to do now because it’s so easy to find dates. When I was growing up, you had to go to the mall food court and actually talk to girls, write their numbers down on paper, call them on their home phone, and then their dad would answer and you would hang up. I think this ease and the plethora of people you can date has made people impatient, and they decide they don’t like someone before they get to know them. 

Texting somebody is different than talking to somebody. I think calling people is more effective. When you’re texting somebody, you take your time to send the perfect text, but is that really you? They’re getting the heightened version of you, not the real you. At least when you’re talking on the phone, you get a vibe of their style, sense of humor, etc. But these days, calling someone is so strange to people.

Is there a common thread weaved throughout these ghosting narratives? 

Everybody has their shields up and nobody wants to put them down. Getting ghosted or ghosting someone puts our defenses up and suddenly nobody wants to show their human side, so everybody projects this bigger version of themselves. Ghost Stories takes these shields down and features a person telling another how they really felt and you get a real human emotion. In doing this podcast, I’ve found it’s easy to meet people, but hard to connect. 

Care to hint what’s been the most intense ghost story to date? 

There was one episode where two people really fell out and one of them was really, really hurt. But at the end, they talked it out and went on a date after the podcast! I paid. They’d gone from hating each other to talking it out because everybody’s got their shields up.

Do you think one gender is more likely to ghost than the other, or does their approach to ghosting differ?

When it was a guy and a girl, one side couldn’t understand the other. But when it is same-sex, that wasn’t the case at all. We had two ladies on and I’ve never heard a more uplifting podcast in my life. The way they handled it and talked it out was so mature. It was very enjoyable to hear two adults putting their hearts on the line and really saying what they meant. We were cheering at the end for them to get together. 

Have you come across any instances where the ghoster comes off more like a  victim than the ghostee? 

I’m surprised at how many versions there are of what dating means to different people. You’ll see throughout these podcasts (because we interview them separately) that they have totally different definitions of dating. They’re starting off in the wrong place, and it’s part of the reason they didn’t see eye to eye. You could ghost somebody because you found out they’re dating a bunch of people and you were only dating them, so you’re not going to waste your time.

Have you found that there is a certain type that ghosts?

No! That’s what’s great. They can be the sweetest person in the world. I feel like every ghost has their own personality. Lindsay was the one who turned in the story and she was the ghoster, but she was super nice, pleasant and I can see any person wanting to hang out with her. 

What is your advice to people who ghost? Is there any case where telling the truth is worse than ghosting?

There shouldn’t ever be a ghost story. We do this podcast to show people that you don’t need to ghost, you just have to be honest. Say, “Hey, I don’t think we really match, but I loved meeting you – maybe we can be friends, or hopefully I’ll see you sometime.” You can even do it in a text. 

In every case, the truth is worse than ghosting because you’re hearing about why they don’t like you or why it didn’t work. That’s why it’s easier to ghost because the truth hurts.  If you’re the deliverer of that, it’s even worse sometimes. Unless you’re just an a-hole or don’t care, which we’ve had on the podcast too. 

Do ghosts actually feel better when they come clean, or is ignorance bliss in this case?

As soon as the ghoster said everything they had to say, you could physically see them sit up straighter. It was like a weight was taken off. As soon as they say things aren’t going to work out, they’re back to their normal selves. They feel better knowing they can continue with their lives.

I think that’s one thing this podcast does so well is it gets people to the point where they can move on from that relationship because we all need closure in one way or another. Even the ghoster, because they think they were shitty to that person and need to wrap things up. And if you’re the one who got ghosted, you’re wondering what happened. That’s what I love, both sides get closure. That’s what this show is all about. 

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Best Date Ideas for Couples in Long-Distance Relationships

Long-distance relationships can be tough, but that doesn’t mean they’re impossible. Nearly half of today’s singles meet online, making LDRs more common than ever. And they’re legit, too. Research by sex toy brand KIIROO found 58 percent of Americans in long-distance relationships stay together, and with more data from OKCupid showing that nearly half of singles are open to long-distance relationships with the right person.

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It’s not a bad idea, considering studies have found couples in long-distance relationships savor improved idealism, communication quality and romantic love compared to couples in close proximity. Of course, these studies may be pandering data to achieve the desired result, but it does make sense. In order for long-distance relationships to work, partners must commit to greater and deeper communication to maintain a closeness that cannot be achieved by proximity.

Thankfully, the same technology helping us find love also making us feel closer than ever. To maintain the cozy closeness every couple deserves no matter the mileage in between, we spoke to dating experts and long-distance couples to recommend the technologies and date ideas that keep the spark alive against all odds.

The Best Dating Apps for Couples in Long-Distance Relationships

Matt and Alex, both 22, have dated long-distance since they were 16. Matt resides in New York City and Alex is in Leeds. “We were still in school and in different timezones, which caused a lot of strain on our relationship,” says Matt. “Either I'd come home and he was asleep, or I'd be asleep when he was free to talk.” After a brief split due to difficulties with distance, the two have been back and going strong for a year and a half.

Matt, like the majority of long-distance daters we spoke to, recommends Rabb.it, a former phenomenon that’s since been replaced by Kast. The app lets you watch movies with others in an online chatroom. Matt and Alex have regular movie dates on the app, creating their own private room and streaming a movie as the two watch on video.

Matt says Skype and FaceTime were also essential to their relationship. “We'd Skype each other throughout the night, fall asleep on Skype and have 10-plus hour video calls,” he says. “Skype was our best friend when we were long-distance,” agrees Nate, 33. “Whenever we had the chance to chat we did, even if it was for 5 minutes.”

Nate, from Australia, met Lolo, 30, from Canada, while studying abroad at San Diego State University. “I lived on campus while Lolo lived off campus. We met through mutual friends who were also on exchange,” he says. “We were living apart for over 18 months and visited each other every six months before Lolo moved to Australia. We now live in Canada, have just celebrated our nine year anniversary and welcomed our first child into the world last year.”

Used on mobile devices, Skype and FaceTime can also let your partner share on something you’re experiencing. As act as a tour guide as you give them a call at your favorite park. With the holidays right around the corner, visit the street with the brightest lights and revel in holiday cheer.

“Google Drive is another great app to have, because of the shared folders and documents you can share with your loved one,” says dating coach Cherlyn Chong. “A former boyfriend and I liked to drop pictures, quotes, audio files and even ebooks that we found interesting for each other in their respective folders.”

Chong also recommends Couple because “not only is it a personal Facebook for two, but they also have this delightful function called the ‘Thumbkiss,’ where partners can tap the screen and feel the other person through a phone vibration.”

Why Traditions Are Essential in Long-Distance Relationships

Establishing and maintaining traditions are important for long-distance relationships.

For Nate, two traditions kept he and Lolo’s relationship tight. The first they’ve coined? “Morning Mail.” Because the two were in different timezones, one was going to sleep when the other was waking up. With that strain, each night, they would write an email for the other to wake up to.

“We used this as a way to keep up with each others lives, outside of texts and video calls,” he says. “It was amazing to wake up to a message from one another, you'd wake up happy, no matter how long or short it was.”

The two also created their own language, making acronyms from oft-used phrases for efficiency. “Some couples will have pet names for each other, which are great, but we have these strange sayings (that we’d turn into acronyms) and send them to each other constantly,” adds Matt. “While they happened organically, it was a great reminder of how connected we are. We even use them to this day!”

Gaming is another popular activity for long-distance couples. Matt and Alex play games together on Steam, an online program with over 30,000 titles and chatting capabilities. There are plenty of free games on gaming platforms – PS4, XBOX360, Switch – that can be played together online, where you communicate via headset microphone. Some can even be played cross-platform, so if one owns a PS4 and the other owns a Switch, they can still play the same game together.

Websites like Yahoo Games and Pogo.com also offer hundreds of multiplayer games including classics like Yahtzee and newer titles like Plants vs. Zombies. Numerous mobile games like Words with Friends and Draw Something can also be played together.

Nick, 31, and Austin, 27, play games a bit differently, watching Jeopardy over video chat, seeing who can guess the answer before the other. The two met on Tinder and have been dating long-distance for nearly four years before getting engaged recently. Nick lives in Los Angeles with Austin just outside of D.C.

How to Up the Intimacy Without the Sex in Long-Distance Relationships

When Allie, 30, and Matthew, 32, both in Canada, plan a date, they take things one step further and order food on Seamless to each other’s houses with one catch: the food would be a surprise. “One time he just sent me two massive brie cheese wheels and bread,” jokes Allie.

Matthew and Allie met at law school and spent three years long distance before moving to Ottawa. While one of Allie’s biggest concerns being long-distance was the lack of sex, she’s not the only one. According to the earlier KIRROO study, 66 percent of respondents said the hardest thing about being in a long-distance relationship was the lack of physical intimacy, and 31 percent said lack of sex.

To remedy this, the two would send nude images and video clips to each other often.

“Sometimes I would mail him lingerie that I would wear next time I’m in town,” she says. Nick and Austin are similar, often getting naked for each other over FaceTime and engaging in mutual masturbation, streaming the same porn videos.

“Sending nudes keeps the relationship (and imagination) alive,” says Chong. “Nothing quite strengthens the bond than knowing that only you have access to such a private part of them! It's almost illicit, a sexy secret only the both of you share.”

Matthew’s even gone as far to surprise Allie with a Clone-a-Willy mold of his penis (also available for vaginas, aptly named, Clone-A-Pussy) for a familiar feeling down under. Plus, long distance sex toys are abundant. We-Vibe, for example, operates through an app, where one pilots the vibrations and the other enjoys the ride.

KIRROO, in particular, offers sex toys specifically for long-distance couples of all sexual orientations. Their popular sets use teledildonic technology to connect with your partner’s device so you two can have as close to an authentic sexual experience as possible. It is revolutionary.

“It's very easy to be in a long-distance relationship nowadays,” Chong says. “There's no excuse not to keep in touch with your sweetheart or to start something with someone you feel connected to, even if they are on the opposite side of the globe.”

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Adult Performer Wesley Woods Is Officially Retiring From Porn

Though adult actors are granted the designation, few actually achieve the status of porn star. Wesley Woods is one of those fortunate few. 

His career began modestly with a simple response to an ad on Craigslist. After a few video interviews with different studios over the course of two weeks, Woods was off and filming. Now, four years later and several awards later, the top adult performer tells us that he’s officially throwing in the towel.

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While Woods is clearly not afraid to bare it all, telling us he’s unable to remember the amount of films he’s taken part in, we dug deep to find out how physically (and emotionally) taxing the porn world truly is for those who are immersed in it every single day.

AskMen: So what inspired you to up and leave the porn industry altogether?

Wesley Woods: After my assault in August 2018, I felt completely isolated from the world. It’s hard to explain, but I’ll never forget that feeling. The assault stirred up so many emotions and I began to back away from friends, withdrew from family and slowed down on social media. 

Initially, I didn’t handle the situation very well. I threw myself into work, constantly traveling and drinking. I didn’t feel like myself, and in some ways I took on the emotional energy that it was my fault that this happened, and that I deserved it. It became harder and harder to wake up happy, which was something that once seemed so inherently natural to me.

I spoke with a few therapists and after months of intensive work on myself emotionally and mentally, I finally began to allow myself to focus on me what makes me happy, what I want to do, where I want to go and who I want to be.

My isolation made me seek out a different approach to what I’m doing, a deeper listening to who I want to be, where I want things to go. I want to do more standup, I’d love to somehow help queer homeless youth and I want to be a source of light, love, and inclusivity in our community.

I’ve given so much time and energy to the adult film industry, and I want to focus my time and energy elsewhere. This isn’t to say that you can’t do and be it all, I’m just being called to something else. I can feel it. 

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A post shared by Wesley Woods (@thewesleywoods) on Sep 17, 2019 at 8:13am PDT

Looking back, what was your biggest regret in your porn career? 

I never got a proper gang bang dedicated to my holes. Isn’t that what everyone wants? All the dicks. I guess I’ll leave that to my personal life.

What about the scariest moment? 

Waiting for your test results to come in regarding if you’re positive or non-reactive to any STI. A positive test result means a loss of money (and potentially a lot of money depending on recovery time and the amount of shoots scheduled that would be missed). 

People assume I’m constantly having sex, but the reality is, I don’t fuck with my money and performers are tested more frequently than anyone. The hilarity of testing is how the straight side of the industry frowns upon any male talent who films scenes with men. Like, this dude’s dick can touch all the female mouths, butts and vaginas, but as soon as it touches a man’s butt or mouth, they must be burned at the stake. 

Even crazier, we are all tested at the same facility with the same procedures. But this is the world we live in as performers – be them gay, trans, bi, pan, however you choose to identify – we are viewed as deviant, dirty and high-risk. The straight world is far behind in conversations of sexual health. Many gay performers require stricter testing than heteros. And don’t even get me started on the U=U conversation. 

Name something you’re going to miss about working in porn.

All the shenanigans and the laughs. Even on a shitty day, you can wipe it off and keep going. There’s honestly so much I’m going to miss. Porn has gifted me so many opportunities, it has allowed me to travel and it has given me friendships that I absolutely cherish. I’ll even miss hearing the shrieking directions of ChiChi LaRue as she screams off-camera for you to “lick the hole.”

On the flip side, what’s something about working in porn you’re happy to leave with the industry?

I’m extremely excited to take back the ownership of when, where and how often I douche. Which directly relates to what I eat, when I eat, how much I eat. I’m really excited to know from now on that when I clean out my ass, it’s for my own personal and private use. Porn was beginning to feel robotic. 

What have you learned about sex and sexuality from being an adult performer?

It’s okay to enjoy what you enjoy, and that it’s okay to allow others that same opportunity. Everyone has a kink/fetish; the idea isn’t anything more than a preference of enjoyment.

I’ve learned exploring your sexuality is not only a desire we have as people, but also imperative to experiencing a fulfilling human experience, which you are not allowing when you limit and/or shame yourself and/or others from sex/sexuality. 

I’ve also been given the opportunity to meet a lot of people and interact with them in a way few ever will. I’ve listened to personal struggles, I’ve hugged people back to happy and I’ve created enjoyment for others because of my level of comfortableness with my own sex and sexuality. 

I’ve learned through porn and my experience as a porn star that people want to be seen, they want to be noticed, they want connection, they want to feel valued, and they’re longing for a release from the ideas society has placed on them. 

I’ve learned through my job that I too have triggers, fears and uncomfortableness expressing what I’ve needed from others for fear of rejection, fear of being weird or fear of being viewed as less than. Porn has released me from so many of my insecurities. 

What type of impact has porn had on your dating and romantic life? Are people understanding?

My job is definitely a conversation with anyone I’m interested in and I’m not ashamed of it. If my mother, who birthed me and had her own ideas of what my life might look like, can come to terms with everything I’ve done, I expect the same from someone I love. 

The common question or fear from others is, how can I hold space for someone I care about and be the type of partner needed and go shoot porn? I’ve only had one relationship in the four years I’ve done porn, and I think that speaks to the level of uncomfortableness the majority of others have with sex work. 

It’s difficult for people to realize that the person and the persona, although similar, are different. It is a job, and being a Gemini, I’m really good at being both. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I’m excited to stop filming for the possibility of dating differently. We will see what happens. 

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A post shared by Wesley Woods (@thewesleywoods) on Aug 31, 2019 at 3:02pm PDT

Do you think having a career in porn will hinder future endeavors? It shouldn’t, but stigmas certainly persist.

Absolutely, and whatever it hinders wasn’t meant for me. I also think it’ll propel me, and I would much rather think of the exciting possibilities than the negativity of others “trying” (keyword) to stop me. Can’t stop, won’t stop!

What’s next for your career? What do you see yourself doing now that you have the option of keeping your clothes on?

Well, my immediate future involves a brand ambassador position with Fancentro. All my content from photoshoots, comedy shows, weekly giveaways, Q&A’s, and so much more will all be viewable on my premium Snapchat channel. 

I’m super excited to have a platform where I can connect in real time with fans and offer a personal view of all things Wesley! I will also be recruiting new LGBT artists/influencers to the platform and help others get paid for their Snapchat accounts. 

And do you have a message you’d like to share with your fans? You’ll certainly be missed in the industry.

I’m beyond grateful for the love and support I’ve received up to this point, and I hope people will continue to grow and evolve with me. I hope to bring out the best in others like this persona has done for me. Be bold. Be brave. Be you! 

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A History of Sex and Horror in Cinema

Horror films are almost always shrouded in murder, mystery and suspense, but did you know the genre is also cloaked in symbolism? Take “Halloween,” the 1978 classic starring Jamie Lee Curtis. John Carpenter and Debra Hill, the film’s director and producer, were heavy players in the women’s liberation and civil rights movement and wanted the film to reflect that in their signature killer.

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Michael Myers was the embodiment of the small town evil and meaningless hate crimes that Carpenter experienced growing up in the south. His infamous mask, both blank and expressionless, was a way to convey an evil that’s always present, but whose motives we don’t understand.

It’s thoughtful nuances like these that make the genre so fascinating. Horror films at this time were the filmmakers’ responses to Vietnam, civil rights, racial injustice and feminism. It’s all incredibly political, and why horror movies tend to speak to a generation’s political and personal plights.

And an omnipresent theme in most, if not all, horror movies is sex. Those who engage in sex often die, considered tainted and too horned up to make it to the ending credits. Those who remain abstinent, focused on bringing the killer to justice, usually live to see the next morning.

To better understand why sex and horror go hand-in-hand, we spoke to to Michael Varrati, filmmaker and host of queer horror podcast, Dead for Filth, and film critic and writer Abby Olcese who can help explain this co-dependent relationship.

Why Are Sex and Horror Often Synonymous?

“Horror, by its definition, is a genre of subversion,” says Varrati. “It often utilizes the lens of the fantastic to shine a light on things we don't feel comfortable tackling directly.”

These could be macro ideas, like political power structures or cultural biases, or something more personal with aspects of identity or things we keep locked within ourselves. In that sense, horror offers a keyhole glimpse into the forbidden, giving audiences a sense of witnessing something they shouldn’t.

“With that in mind, it makes sense that sex and horror find a common ground,” adds Varrati. “Both are something the world portrays as a bit naughty and both are primal.”

Olcese agrees that there is a psychological link between sex and horror, as both inspire strong emotional and physical reactions. “Because of western culture’s historically conservative relationship to sex, it’s become something kind of dark and forbidden,” she says.

This interrelatedness was present long before the horror genre, dating back to gothic literature and romantic art. Take Henry Fuseli’s 1781 painting “The Nightmare,” for example. Now that we live in a more sex-positive society, the trope has evolved, portraying sex and its fatal consequences in a different light. Perhaps a great example of this is “It Follows.” The 2014 film still adheres to the sex-equals-death trope, but looks at it from an entirely different thematic standpoint.

“[‘It Follows’] introduces a supernatural being that’s passed along by sexual contact, but director David Robert Mitchell isn’t using it as an excuse for gratuity,” notes Oclese. “Instead, he’s looking at sex as a passage from childhood into adulthood, and the loss of innocence and sudden sense of mortality that go along with that transition. It’s maybe the most philosophical exploration of sex and death that I’ve seen in the genre.”

“If You Have Sex, You Die,” Explained

Due to the aforementioned conservative relationship western culture has with sex, horror films have discouraged promiscuity by communicating, “you have sex, you die.” This phrase was quoted verbatim in the “Scream” franchise, which had a knack for poking fun at classic horror tropes.

However, the cliché didn’t rise to prominence until the ‘80s. “There was a period in the late ‘60s and ‘70s where a lot of horror was really exploring sexuality and eroticism,” says Varrati. “There was definitely a focus on seduction and the allure of darkness where sex was present, but not an assured death curse.”

With these examples, Varrati says it’s not necessarily virgins who are “compromising their virtue,” but rather taking away their agency. “It's a moment of liberation that's immediately taken away,” he notes. “I think that as the trope wore on, you can see it being boiled down to the essence of ‘you have sex, you die.’ By the mid-80s, it just became part of the formula.”

Interestingly enough, Varrati points out that the trope runs parallel with the rise of the conservative era of Ronald Reagan, as well as the dawn of the AIDS Crisis.

“You have a landscape where those in charge want to limit what teenagers know about sex and their own sexuality running alongside a terrible and deadly pandemic that the world at large equates with promiscuity,” he says. ‘You have sex, you die’ is most prevalent in the 80s because it was a manipulation of our fears, and that place where fear and sex intersect.”

The Treatment of Women in Horror Movies

Horror’s relationship with female movie characters is complicated. While the genre does feature women more prominently than any other, and is the only one where women boast more on-screen and speaking time than men, it also features blatant sexism and gratuitous female nudity.

“The Final Girl thing has become pretty damaging, and the fact that it weighs very heavily on one end of the gender spectrum is something that’s worth noting,” says Olcese. “There’s a lot of inequality when it comes to who dies (and how) in slasher horror. It’s nearly always women who get punished for sex. Men do die, but their deaths are rarely as prolonged or lingered on.”

Women have historically been portrayed as helpless, innocent creatures, and any violation of that innocence, whether sexual and/or through physical violence, triggers a strong emotional response. “That’s a patriarchal, reductive view, and ends up frequently treating women as weak or disposable,” adds Olcese.

For Varrati, it's about context. “If the trope is utilized to take away someone's agency or power with no clear-cut message other than to diminish them, then I absolutely think there's a problem with the narrative that's being sewed,” he says, adding that the same kind of discrimination is often applied to queer characters and people of color. “If they exist merely to brush them aside, or to diminish their humanity in some capacity, you've disenfranchised that person. If a character has sex and dies, it's one thing. If she dies because she has sex, that's entirely another.”

While earlier depictions of sex in scary movies were used as a device to project innocence and character, society has evolved, boasting more progressive and sex-positive attitudes. When you consider horror’s tendency to reflect the current cultural climate, we can only assume this dated trope will evolve with it.

However, we can all agree on one thing: Splitting up is still, and will forever be, the dumbest thing a character can do in a horror movie.

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How to Not Cum So Fast

Is your penis a little quick on the trigger, so to speak? Don’t freak — as many as one in three men experience premature ejaculation at some point in their lives. It’s so normal, in fact, that the Mayo Clinic regards premature ejaculation as a “common sexual complaint” and insists, as long as it happens once every so often, you have nothing to worry about.

RELATED: Everything You Need to Know About Premature Ejaculation

“We actually diagnose ‘rapid’ ejaculation now, not premature,” says Nicole Prause, Ph.D, scientist at Liberos. “Many men who identify themselves as coming too quickly actually are not faster to orgasm than other men when tested, so the first thing to consider if you are concerned is whether your experiences might be normal.”

While there isn’t exactly a golden rule to help diagnose me with rapid ejaculation, Prause says you shouldn’t be concerned if you’re only having penetrative vaginal intercourse for two minutes prior to orgasm. In fact, you should only really deem it an issue if you find yourself nearly always ejaculating within one minute of penetration, are unable to delay ejaculation and/or feel frustrated to the point where you avoid sexual intimacy altogether. At that point, it may be worth a trip to the doctor for a legitimate diagnosis.

Prause assures that if you want to increase your latency to ejaculation, you will be able to do so with treatment. “Most men reporting this difficulty are actually lasting within the ‘normal’ range,” she shares, noting that if you have sex with women, most won’t desire long, rapid pounding intercourse, as it rarely leads to climax.

“You may develop better skills in oral sex, slower touching, and similar positive sex habits due to having a shorter ejaculation latency that make you a superior lover,” she adds.

If you are still concerned that you may have issues with finishing too quickly during sex, read below on what might be the cause (and see how it’s best treated).

What Causes Men to Cum Too Fast?

“There is some evidence that men with rapid ejaculation are more sensitive in their genitalia and more responsive to visual sexual stimulation,” says Prause. It’s worth noting that while several factors can contribute to rapid ejaculation, you may be surprised to find that most are not physical.

Psychological problems such as stress and depression can aggravate this condition, and are far more common than a specific physical condition, such as increased sensitivity, inflammation of the prostate or a spinal cord issue. To better understand your problem, your doctor will need to discuss your sexual history with you. Remember that they are medical professionals and have heard all of this stuff before, so be open and honest. The more your doctor knows, the better they can help treat you.

How to Properly Treat Premature Ejaculation

Sometimes, premature ejaculation goes away on its own in a couple weeks or months without multiple visits to the doctor’s office. Alleviating stress is the best way to start, so treat yourself to some R&R and see how that goes.

And the most important thing? Do not blame yourself or feel inadequate in any way, as this can amplify the problem. If it helps, speak openly with your partner about it to otherwise avoid miscommunication. According to Prause, the following three solutions are best for treating premature ejaculation:

Squeeze Techniques

If you get the sense that you;re about to ejaculate prematurely, you or your partner can squeeze the shaft of the penis just below the head with the thumb on one side and forefingers on the other. Squeeze for roughly 20 seconds, let go and you should be able to resume with your sexual activity.

When done effectively for a prolonged period of time, the technique enables you to delay ejaculation with the squeeze. Eventually, as you become more comfortable with your sexual ability and endurance, you’ll eventually learn to delay orgasm successfully without the squeeze. This practice can be repeated as often as necessary, and often requires open communication with your partner.

Numbing Creams

Another possible treatment involves prescription medication that helps delay ejaculation. These anesthetic creams and sprays contain a numbing agent, such as benzocaine, lidocaine or prilocaine, which should be applied to the penis 10 to 15 minutes before sex to reduce sensation and subsequently delay ejaculation.

“Numbing creams actually are helpful with men, but [as] these also get all over your partner, do not use them without your partner's consent,” advises Prause.

RELATED: Penis Health Care, De-Mystified

Although topical anesthetic agents are effective, they have potential side effects to take note of, too. Some men report temporary loss of sensitivity, as well as decreased sexual pleasure. Sometimes through contact with the treated penis, female partners also report these effects.

Antidepressants

“The goal with medications is not to stay on them for the rest of your life, so you might plan to try a medication for a shorter (one to three month) period and see if this improves to the point that you might no longer need them,” says Prause. “The anorgsamic effects are very rapid, which is why a month ‘trial’ may be plenty to experiment with the effects of a drug-induced orgasm delay.”

When this type of medication is given to treat rapid ejaculation, it can help to postpone orgasm for several minutes. Drugs used for this type of treatment include selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), such as fluoxetine and tricyclic antidepressants.

The biggest thing to remember when experiencing premature ejaculation is that, more often than not, what you’re experiencing is perfectly normal. And if these experiences become more commonplace, there are a number of effective treatments to assist. You just have to figure out what works best for you and your partner in order to put your worries — and your penis — at ease.

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Is the Living Apart Together Dynamic the New Normal for Couples?

Actress and lifestyle guru Gwyneth Paltrow was in the tabloids recently, but not for any Hollywood-shaking incident. In fact, the GOOP forewoman made headlines simply because, after a year of marriage, she decided it was time to move in with husband Brad Falchuck.

That’s right, y’all — Paltrow kept her own digs to herself even after tying the knot back in 2018. And as it turns out, this dynamic is much more common than you think.

RELATED: 5 Questions to Ask Before Moving In Together

These relationships, in which a couple chooses to live in separate residences, are known as “living apart together” relationships (LAT, for short). And, if recent literature is any indicator, this type of amorous entanglement has become more popular, particularly among the elderly and millennials.

As Sharon Hyman, director of LAT documentary “Apartners” tells AskMen, like same sex relationships, LATs have always existed but are not spoken about as publicly. “Fortunately the tide is turning, and people are more open and accepting about what constitutes a relationship and a family,” she says. “It’s really about finding what’s right for you, regardless of what society dictates.”

To get the low-down on LAT relationships, AskMen spoke with Hyman and a number of LAT couples to figure out if living apart together could be right for you.

Why Do Couples Want to Live Apart?

Generally speaking, the younger you are, the less money you have. Therefore, many young couples remain together but live apart due to financial constraints, work, school or a combination of the three. For Jonathan Barkan, 35 and his girlfriend, 31, the two plan to move in together one day, but only when both have better planned for their future.

“For now, we basically split our time between the U.S. and Canada because that's what makes the most sense for us,” says Barkan.

When it comes to older couples, the main reason seems to be in order to remain independent. Most have been married and had children that have fled the nest. They don’t want to sacrifice their autonomy, nor do they have the time, interest or energy to start over. The biggest difference between the two? Most young couples wish to move in with their partners some day, whereas older couples, like Deborah, 49 and Mike 59, have no such plans.

“We are often faced with explaining this arrangement to people, especially because of the assumption that it must be temporary, and that we must be seeking ways to establish one residence,” explains Deborah. “We have no immediate plans to minimize the distance and move in together, nor do we have plans to marry, and yet we are fully committed for the long haul. We feel more connected and married in all the best ways.”

According to Hyman, many couples prefer to live apart to keep the family unit intact if they have children from a previous relationship.

“Many experts say this can be healthier for the children than introducing a new adult into the equation,” she says. “Not to mention, sometimes people have very different schedules, lifestyles or even standards for cleanliness. All of which are non-issues when you live in separate residences.”

Are There Advantages of Living Apart Together (LAT) Relationships?

Independence is without a doubt the biggest advantage cited for LAT relationships. People can enjoy their time to themselves while also experiencing the benefits of intimacy, and that warm fuzzy feeling that surges through your body when in love.

They also tend to experience less conflict, as separate living spaces offer time to cool down and retreat from their partner when they’re feeling frustrated. This gives the couple time to better think things out instead of reacting quickly without much thought. In addition, LATs also feel that when they do see each other, they value the time more as they aren’t together every day, all day. Basically, they’re more likely to make the effort to make each moment count.

Barkan, a resident of Ann Arbor, Michigan, loves that he and his partner, who lives in Toronto, get to share their cities with each other. “Part of the fun of being long-distance is that when one of us visits, the other can share what makes their little corner of the world so special,” he says. “It also helps figure out what is going to be best when we decide to make the next step, such as what kind of place we want to live, which country, what is important in the areas where we live, etc.”

As for Deborah, she sees her relationship with Mike as “a Venn diagram” — each have their own individual circle unique to them, but there’s also some overlap going on with things that they share.

“I think we both feel like the solitude refreshes us for the togetherness and the togetherness gives us a fresh start every week to do our own personal best, to be productive and to do meaningful things, and then to come back together again and again.”

LAT relationships are also easier to end. It may not sound romantic, but walking away from a relationship where there are no shared assets – mainly a house and the possessions within them – is a lot easier to do when a split is on the horizon.

Are There Disadvantages of Living Apart Together (LAT) Relationships?

For Jonathan, the biggest disadvantage is the planning. “It's hard to make plans with friends because we don't know where one of us will be on a given weekend,” he says. “It also makes little things, like being home for packages, that much harder because I may be gone for a few weeks or she'll be with me for a long while. We have to plan around these things that many people don't really think about.”

For others, like Janice, 59, it is the costs associated with living alone that weigh on her most. If she lived with her partner, who currently lives just 14 minutes away, these fees would be halved.

Janice adds that, while she is not one who is prone to ask for a hug if she’s feeling down, “it’s nice to get that when you’re with your partner and can tell they’re not themselves.” She also says living apart can sacrifice spontaneity in a relationship, using a spur-of-the-moment hike at 7 a.m. as an example.

“I would also suspect that people who have trust issues would find living apart a real challenge because you don’t know what’s going on with your partner 24/7,” she says. “Fortunately, that has never been a problem for us.”

As you can imagine, living apart together is truly just about embracing the fact that relationships don’t have to follow a certain formula. Instead, like every couple, they are unique, and different things work for different people. To think every relationship should conform to one singular model is foolish. If living apart is working for you and you’re happy with the way things are, keep them that way. As they say, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

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