Shoppers, clear your medicine cabinets. Ulta's beloved 21 Days of Beauty sale is *back*, and you know what that means: Three full weeks of half-off promos on the retailer’s best-selling and most top-rated makeup, skin care, hair care, fragrance, and more. If there’s one thing better than scoring a good beauty deal, it’s 21 consecutive days of deals on all your favorite products.
If this is your first encounter with Ulta's legendary mega sale, here's how it works: For 21 glorious days — starting today — you can shop a selection of Ulta’s most popular products at 50% off. The catch? Each deep deal is live for just 24 hours, so you’ll have to consult our list to see which day your favorite products is going to be on sale and allocate your pennies accordingly.
Ulta has added a host of newcomers to the 2022 roster of standby sale goods, including beautyblender’s “Original” makeup sponge and YouTuber Jaclyn Hill’s popular liquid lipstick. Plenty of reliable longtime best-sellers are in the mix, too; from Tarte's iconic Shape Tape concealer to lash-boosting serums and mascaras from LashFood and GRANDE Cosmetics. Scroll on to see exactly what’s going to be on sale today — and every day from now until April 2.
At Refinery29, we’re here to help you navigate this overwhelming world of stuff. All of our market picks are independently selected and curated by the editorial team. All product details reflect the price and availability at the time of publication. If you buy or click on something we link to on our site, Refinery29 may earn commission.
This SPF 30 formula is packed with skin-friendly ingredients that go beyond simple sun protection — including probiotics for smoothing and boosting the skin barrier, pineapple and papaya extracts to even out skin tone, and wild butterfly ginger root, which blocks blue light and ambient pollution.
Tula Protect + Glow Daily Sunscreen Gel Broad Spectrum SPF 30, $, available at Ulta Beauty
“Literally love this product so much I bought extras during the Ulta sale so I wouldn't run out any time soon,” wrote a reviewer of this best-selling, glow-bestowing cream packed with antioxidant-rich matcha, peptides for smoothing fine lines and wrinkles, and the anti-inflammatory vitamin B3 derivative niacinamide to brighten skin. “If you see this on sale,” urged the reviewer, “buy ASAP!!”
PEACH & LILY Matcha Pudding Antioxidant Cream, $, available at Ulta Beauty
Consistency is key when it comes to this cruelty-free and vegan lash-enhancing serum — reviewers who applied it faithfully were pleased with the results. “My lashes are much longer and voluminous,” wrote one. “This product is expensive, but honestly worth it, and cheaper than extensions in the long run.” We don’t need much more convincing to buy a tube on sale.
LashFood Phyto-Medic, Natural Eyelash Enhancer, $, available at Ulta Beauty
StriVectin Super-C Retinol Brighten & Correct Vitamin C Serum
All hail the mighty Vitamin C, a skin care super-ingredient renowned for its brightening properties. StriVectin’s beloved serum contains two types of the stuff, including a highly concentrated dose of acerola cherry extract. Thanks to the addition of retinol — a powerfully corrective ingredient that boosts cell turnover and smooths overall skin texture — this lightweight formula packs a serious skin-enhancing punch.
StriVectin Super-C Retinol Brighten & Correct Vitamin C Serum, $, available at Ulta Beauty
Maracuja, goji berry, acai, oh my! The name doesn’t lie — Tarte’s ultra-glossy lip balm is absolutely packed with fruity ingredients for a products that offers lips a boost of color and hydration. “This is as literally the best lip gloss I've ever bought. It's the perfect mixture between a gloss and balm,” wrote a reviewer. “It's not too heavy and it's not too light. It's not sticky and it's not thin. Don't walk, RUN to buy it.”
Tarte Maracuja Juicy Lip Balm, $, available at Ulta Beauty
It Cosmetics Confidence In A Cream Anti-Aging Moisturizer
If you want to up your glow factor, look no further than this legendary facial moisturizer, which is packed with every skin-boosting ingredient under the sun — peptides, hyaluronic acid, squalane, you name it! It’s clocked over 4,300 reviews and 4.5 stars at Ulta alone.
It Cosmetics Confidence In A Cream Anti-Aging Moisturizer, $, available at Ulta Beauty
A multitude of acne-prone reviewers testified that this sulfur-infused foaming cleanser worked wonders for their skin. (It’s also infused with good-enough-to-eat ingredients like honey, rice bran, and oat extract to soothe pores.)
Kate Somerville EradiKate Daily Foaming Cleanser, $, available at Ulta Beauty
This Ulta-exclusive concealer has a reputation for unparalleled coverage among its legions of longtime fans. “It went viral for a reason,” wrote one of over 13,000 reviewers. “Helped with creasing, so creamy, lasted forever, huge shade range, cute packaging. Just chef’s kiss!”
Tarte Shape Tape Concealer, $, available at Ulta Beauty
Urban Decay’s top-rated brow pencil boasts a unique double tip — one with a pencil, for filling pigment into sparse areas, and one with an ultra-fine-tipped brush, for drawing on hair-like marks.
Urban Decay Cosmetics Brow Blade Waterproof Eyebrow Pencil & Ink Stain, $, available at Ulta Beauty
This oil-free moisturizer is made with coconut water, a natural and super-hydrating base that won’t clog pores. “I've been using this product as my hydrating moisturizer really and it's amazing!” one reviewer exclaimed. “I'll only have to put it on once a day and it keeps my face moisturized the entire day. I'm obsessed with it. The consistency is perfect.” The gel-like texture absorbs quickly for a smooth, non-greasy finish.
First Aid Beauty Hello FAB Coconut Water Cream, $, available at Ulta Beauty
Grande Cosmetics GrandeFANATIC Fanning & Curling Mascara
This Ulta-exclusive mascara comes from the makers of GrandeLASH-MD, a longtime cult-favorite lash-enhancing serum. This curling and lengthening product is infused with WIDELASH, the brand’s lash-boosting elixir that contains vitamin B5 and biotin peptide.
Grande Cosmetics GrandeFANATIC Fanning & Curling Mascara, $, available at Ulta Beauty
Murad Oil and Pore Control Mattifier Broad Spectrum SPF 45 PA++++
Reviewers swear by the smooth, velvety finish of this matte-fying SPF. “It melts into my skin like butter and after about 15 minutes it's fully absorbed, and I'm not left oily or too dry like some oil free sunscreens,” wrote one reviewer. “Love this stuff as my day time moisturizer. I have very oily, acne prone skin with huge pores. I have had a lot of trouble finding a moisturizer that doesn't leave me looking greasy and lay on top of my skin. My skin feels soooo soft after using this and it really does keep the oiliness at bay. And bonus points for having sunscreen!!!” They added that the “[o]nly thing I don't love is the price for the small tube” — well, 21 Days of Beauty can help with that.
Murad Oil and Pore Control Mattifier Broad Spectrum SPF 45 PA++++, $, available at Ulta Beauty
The 21 plant extracts — including turmeric and goji berry — in this hydrating serum will help quickly even out skin tone with consistent use. “Works great. It is absolutely worth the money you pay for this product,” declared a reviewer. “When I ran out of my go-to moisturizer I decided to give [this serum] a try,” explained a reviewer. “Omigod. I am such an idiot because in just a week the tone of my skin looks so much better ... firmer, more radiant. My skin had really taken a hit from pandemic stress and I can't believe I let this incredible product sit unused for so long.”
The addition of hydrolyzed collagen, hyaluronic acid, niacin, peptides and antioxidants make this medium coverage foundation-slash-tinted moisturizer hybrid ultra skin-friendly. It’s also bestowed with light-reflecting pigments to impart maximum glow without a glittery or sparkly finish. Said one reviewer: “It makes my skin look flawless and it really has helped improve my skin evenness.”
It Cosmetics CC+ Cream Illumination SPF 50+, $, available at Ulta Beauty
Stila’s G. O. A. T. waterproof eyeliner doesn’t need much introduction — its fine, marker-like tip is a top-performing favorite of cat-eye enthusiasts everywhere. “10/10,” wrote one reviewer. “I've never tried another liquid eyeliner because this is literally the only one you'd ever need.”
Stila Stay All Day Waterproof Liquid Eyeliner, $, available at Ulta Beauty
Few ingredients beat charcoal when it comes to detoxifying power, and Origin’s 4.5-star rated mask is formulated with bamboo ash charcoal to soak up impurities and excess dermal debris. “I love this mask,” raved one reviewer. “Anytime I'm struggling with breakouts I can use this and my skin always feels and looks better by the next morning. It doesn't burn or cause irritation, I have sensitive skin. This has been my favorite acne mask for years!”
Origins Clear Improvement Active Charcoal Mask to Clear Pores, $, available at Ulta Beauty
A combination of caffeine and hyaluronic acid give this pick-me-up eye cream a one-two punch of brightness and hydration. One reviewer called it “unexpectedly awesome,” noting that it makes their “undereye area look so much brighter and healthier.”
GLAMGLOW BRIGHTEYES Illuminating Anti-Fatigue Eye Cream, $, available at Ulta Beauty
Pür 4-in-1 Pressed Mineral Powder Foundation SPF 15
“I've been using this powder foundation for six consecutive years and I've never found anything that works as well as this one does!” raved a reviewer of this powder foundation. “It completely covers my rosacea and keeps my oil under control. I have oily/dry combination skin and this foundation doesn't dry me out at all. Do yourself a favor and buy this!!” The multi-tasking products works as a foundation, concealer, powder, and SPF, and contains skin-friendly ingredients like waltheria extract, shea butter, and vitamin E.
Pür 4-in-1 Pressed Mineral Powder Foundation SPF 15, $, available at Ulta Beauty
ZitSticka KILLA Kit Deep Zit Microdart Patch 4-Pack
11,000 reviewers have given these targeted acne stickers a near-perfect 4.7-star rating. “It is very effective on those deep cystic pimples,” wrote a reviewer. “I've spent a ridiculous amount of money trying other products. This is the only one that works for me. ... If [there] are particularly bad [pimples] it may not get them to completely go away, but it stops it from growing ... into something worse. If you know, you know; it's worth the money.” Each patch is infused with acne-fighting ingredients that dissolve into skin to break down pimples.
ZitSticka KILLA Kit Deep Zit Microdart Patch 4-Pack, $, available at Ulta Beauty
“Finally have real eyebrows,” wrote a reviewer. “Never paid attention to mine. Now after having them shaped and this added I love them.” Tiny microfibers in this top-rated tinted brow gel cling to your eyebrow hairs, bestowing natural fullness, hold, and enhanced color.
Benefit Cosmetics Gimme Brow+ Tinted Volumizing Eyebrow Gel, $, available at Ulta Beauty
St. Tropez Self Tan Purity Bronzing Water Face Mist
One reviewer claimed they would rate this lazy-girl self-tanner “10+ stars” if they could. “I have tried A TON of self tanners,” they added. “I love to tan and I love to be tan, and this is the ONLY product that makes me actually feel like i got a sun tan!!!” One quick spritz will endow your face with a natural-looking glow — no blending or baking required.
St. Tropez Self Tan Purity Bronzing Water Face Mist, $, available at Ulta Beauty
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Welcome to another edition of Amazon Sundays, filled with the latest fashion and home ideas that I’m especially excited to share. This week’s finds include pieces for women in springtime dresses, swimwear, and handy accessories, as well as an adorable dress, matching shoes, and light jacket for littles, and a patio bistro set that can fit anywhere. See below for all of our weekly Amazon favorites, and visit our JB Amazon Shop and Amazon Storefront for fresh new styles to wear right now!
I’m loving raffia in so many ways this season, including these block heeled sandals that make a wonderful addition with dresses or a simple top and jeans.
This week’s stars shine a hazy blue, with the Sun continuing his journey through Pisces with dreamy Neptune in his wake. Mercury is in Pisces too, behind Jupiter, inviting a kind of slipstream sense of time and space, blurring lines between people and meaning. It’s not exactly an ideal time to have clarifying conversations or settle disputes but it’s a perfect time to make music and create art. Venus and Mars make their way under the stars of Aquarius, and when Venus makes a sextile to Chiron in Aries on the 18th there’s a sense that what’s beautiful about humanity is also what’s heartbreaking about it, that beauty — like music, like villages, like lovers — is something to aim for and something to protect. On the same day, we hold a full moon in Virgo, which reflects a cluster of planets in Pisces. It’s okay to be tired, to be exhausted is not to be without purpose. It’s ok to be critical, to be critical is not to be without compassion. It’s okay to want to offer more and not have more to offer. Don’t let comparison define your understanding of your best. Your best is a limit that you draw yourself or that your body draws for you.
Aries Sun & Aries Rising
As your ruling planet Mars continues his trajectory under the stars of Aquarius, it’s likely that new ways of connecting or networking will become available to you. Of course, you’re no stranger to the hustle and are more than well-versed at convincing strangers to sign on for a wild project or two. With Venus in the mix, there’s a sense that what you pitch now might hold higher stakes because it holds more value for both you and the people you work with. Venus in Aquarius makes a helpful aspect to Chiron in Aries on the 18th, the same day as the full moon in Virgo. If you can get clear about your investment (energetic, financial) and why it matters, you’ll find yourself more able to go all in on an emotional level, something that might help heal the ways this kind of work has disappointed you in the past.ILLUSTRATION BY barbarianflower
Taurus Sun & Taurus Rising
Taurus people are known for not dealing well with change but just because Taurus people find change difficult doesn’t mean they’re incapable of it. Once a Taurus changes their mind, their approach follows suit like a track change on a railroad, efficient and ironclad. As Venus traverses Aquarius with Mars alongside, the effort you’ve been putting into your life begins to provide returns — proof that what’s meant for you arrives when it’s meant to. It’s your task to witness the ways the world rewards your efforts but it’s not always easy to live up to the kind of person you have worked to become. In preparation for Venus’s square to Uranus in Taurus on the 19th, which underlines these tensions, the full moon in Virgo invites you to reflect on work you’ve done to get this far and take pride in it. Forget obligation, remember desire.ILLUSTRATION BY barbarianflower
Gemini Sun & Gemini Rising
When your presiding planet Mercury meanders under the auspices of Pisces, things tend to lose a little definition. Mercury loves to spread information and make connections but when Pisces is in the mix, that information can start to sound a lot like dreamlogic more suitable for Carl Jung than it is for the general public. Of course, if the work you do is deeply tied to dream logic — if you’re a musician, psychic, or a poet for instance — then this time can be potent for you, especially with the Sun and Jupiter in the mix, amplifying what you’re putting out there. If slipstream creating and delirious divination aren't your fortes, you might find that this week is a good week to keep a low profile and attend to the mundane home tasks that don’t require you to make sense to anybody but yourself.ILLUSTRATION BY barbarianflower
Cancer Sun & Cancer Rising
While some people might have trouble finding the right words in the days ahead, Mercury’s transit through Pisces could have the right words finding you. Mercury winds their way toward Jupiter this week and there’s opportunity for new levels and depths of understanding — teachings that speak to your spirit and your heart. Still, you know better than most that not all ideas should be shared upon inception. Some philosophies need to marinate, some concepts need to be nurtured before they are resilient enough to withstand an outsider’s scrutiny. In preparation for the Virgo full moon this week, which aches to be understood in all her communications, spend time reflecting on all the communication tools you’ve picked up in the past couple of years and how you practice using them. You’re a fast learner, but transformation takes practice and time. ILLUSTRATION BY barbarianflower
Leo Sun & Leo Rising
Has Pisces season had its way with you? Have you felt yourself pulled by the undertow into deeper water until you found yourself farther out than you intended? Perhaps you were challenged to trust what your body already knew — how to combine both strength and surrender, how to swim to the shore in concert with the waves instead of against them. The Sun in Pisces beside Neptune creates a hazy sky and with so many urgent planets in your house of relationships, the yearning to connect authentically with others might feel like the only thing you can make out in all that haze. Connecting authentically is easier said than done but the opportunity is there if you’re ready for it. Let your curiosity and compassion take the lead and you’ll find that it’s not unlike negotiating waves: Listen to your body; don’t let fear tighten your grip. ILLUSTRATION BY barbarianflower
Virgo Sun & Virgo Rising
A full moon in your house of self should have you feeling yourself and wondering who else is feeling you. Mutable moon baby, the stars line up in your house of relationships, amplifying the love and widening the field. The connections you make now are no distraction. They enrich the scope of your work with erotic purpose and reflect you back to yourself — your ambitions, your dreams, your further possibilities. Reception is the key this week and reception is not the same as making meaning. How does that song go? “All I ever wanted / All I ever needed / Is here in my arms / Words are very unnecessary.” Mercury’s transit through Pisces encourages you to feel rather than speak your way into connection — to feel your way back to yourself. ILLUSTRATION BY barbarianflower
Libra Sun & Libra Rising
How do you feel now, Libra, that Venus has passed the portal of Pluto and spent time under the stars of Aquarius? What are you holding and reworking on the other side of a retrograde that brought so many to their knees? If your relationship to your home or place of origin has changed, have you found new ways to take pleasure in that change? Death gives way to life, an ending clears the way for creativity — for learning to live in the world you have now and not the one you lost. If the stars have been rough with you, then be rough with the stars. Make demands, take up space, get wider with your desire. If what defined you once now only serves to hem you in, then it’s your work to defy definition, to keep what’s essential and leave the rest.ILLUSTRATION BY barbarianflower
Scorpio Sun & Scorpio Rising
Mars makes his way through Aquarius this week, trailing in Venus’s wake. There’s a feeling that one must know what they want before they act on it, that desire clears the way for our will and our action. While that may be true some of the time, it’s definitely not true all of the time, a fact that the stellium in Pisces makes clear. For Scorpio risings, whose 5th house is ruled by Pisces, what’s pleasurable is discerned in relation to the other — through experience. What you value and how you express your desires has a lot to do with where you come from, but your relationship to where you come from changes as you change. Memory is a mercurial thing and Mercury in Pisces softens definitions, inviting you to express yourself in unconventional ways. Maybe a different approach will make all the difference in getting what you want. ILLUSTRATION BY barbarianflower
Sagittarius Sun & Sagittarius Rising
With your ruling planet, Jupiter, in Pisces, you might be finding yourself getting tired of the hustle and drawn to rest and relaxation. Like Sagittarians, Pisceans love to wander the world but you’re just as likely to find them living it up under a pillow fort as you are camping under the Northern Lights. With Neptune in the mix, the dreamy side of Piscean nature is calling your name, especially Sagittarius risings whose 4th house of home is ruled by Pisces. But, the full moon in Virgo on the 18th might bring up feelings of insecurity — of not doing enough. It’s important to remember that rest, relaxation, even resplendence, need not be an essentially escapist endeavor. Creativity thrives when the mind is allowed to settle. Acts of reception like reading and observing build our relationship to beauty and our participation in creating it. ILLUSTRATION BY barbarianflower
Capricorn Sun & Capricorn Rising
Perhaps this week has you feeling a little of pressure, Capricorn, but what else is new? It’s as Capricorn David Bowie once sang, “It’s the terror of knowing what the world is about.” And who is more knowledgeable of the world’s demands than you? The stars cluster in your houses of resources and communications, highlighting the measures you must take with your finances and encouraging you to be more collaborative in your efforts — even if it means admitting your mistakes and asking for second chances. It’s notable that the hook of the song is a kind of lament, but within it are modes of relief. In the spirit of the full moon in Virgo — who means to be a great teacher for you — it’s worth underlining Virgo Freddie Mercury’s presence, he calls love into the song and how Bowie replies to his call: “And love dares you to care for / The people on the edge of the night / And love dares you to change our way of / Caring about ourselves.”ILLUSTRATION BY barbarianflower
Aquarius Sun & Aquarius Rising
It should come as no surprise to you that the stars speak of major life changes on your horizon. It should come as no surprise because, in many ways, you’ve been preparing for these changes, anticipating and avoiding in turn. Whether you have all the information now or not, the process has begun. What’s important to remember as the days move steadily forward, and Mars and Venus inch closer and closer to Saturn, is that while it feels like certain aspects of what’s occurring are beyond your control, much of what arrives is what you’ve been calling in. The work now is recognizing your agency and your desire and letting those waves shape the shoreline as they may. Change will not look like one mundane decision or another. It will be undulating and all-consuming. It will look like the surface of the sea.ILLUSTRATION BY barbarianflower
Pisces Sun & Pisces Rising
The Sun’s trajectory through Pisces can feel like a welcome sparkling shine on the otherwise dark waters that define these weeks. What lies beneath the surface of your world can feel unfathomable and familiar at once, especially with Neptune’s influence in the mix. Time, if it is real at all, serves as an echo reminding you that whatever you are living through now, you’ve lived through before, even if you feel it more than you remember it. While this state of being isn’t exactly foreign to you, it’s a state that solitude sustains and company disrupts. In the company of others, murky feelings can give off mixed messages. You can only be who you are, Pisces, and you can only communicate as you know how. The burden isn’t on you to prove to others that what you feel is valid, true, or worthy of recognition. But, if you’re looking for support for those who live on land, you’re gonna have to communicate in a language they can understand. ILLUSTRATION BY barbarianflower
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Most people have experienced a breakup, but not all heartbreaks are created equal. Some are the result of considered, two-way discussions while others are initiated in the heat of the moment and followed by prolonged pain and confusion for one or both people involved.
If you’re the sort of person who has struggled to remain friends with an ex, you might worry that you’re doing something wrong. Our culture suggests that ending a relationship on good terms ought to be the goal. Consider Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s ‘conscious uncoupling‘ or Selling Sunset’s Chrishell and Jason’s incredibly loving Instagram breakup announcement post, in which Jason said: “We remain best friends and we will always love and support one another.” Celebrities and public figures often share thoughtful joint statements about their separation, showing what appears to be an admirable level of maturity.
But most of us are not celebrities. We don’t have PR teams and expensive therapists to make it sound like a relationship breakdown is mutual, even when there is conflict going on behind closed doors. We are also not rich. It’s easy to be magnanimous when you aren’t worried about how you’re going to pay for a new TV after your ex moves out and takes the one you bought together. Can we all really be friends with our past partners? And should we even try?
Whether or not it’s a good idea, it is fairly common. About 60 percent of people remain friends with their former romantic partner, according to a 2014 journal article from researchers at Singapore Management University. They were more likely to remain pals if they’d had a platonic friendship before dating and if the breakup was mutual.
Twenty-three-year-old Francesca knows all about difficult breakups. She has had two significant relationships, both of which ended badly.
There is no such thing as the perfect breakup, but Francesca wishes that she and her exes could have parted ways more amicably. Instead, the build-up of hurt feelings was so intense that completely removing the exes from her life eventually felt like the only viable option for her.
“All these breakups were so fraught with emotions and pain that it was better just to pretend the other person [didn’t] exist anymore,” she explains. She blocked her exes on all social media and communication platforms and vowed never to look back.
Francesca is not alone. Though they are 10 years apart in age, Jasmine, 33, has a lot in common with Francesca. She too has experienced painful heartbreaks. “Many of my messy breakups added to my trauma and core belief systems that love was difficult,” she explains. “That I was unlovable and that it’s just the way things are.”
There are instances when ending a relationship on good terms isn’t possible and that’s fine.
Dr. Elena Touroni
Jasmine says she was usually the one broken up with, mostly because she wasn’t able to handle the fear and anxiety that came with initiating the end of a relationship. She would be in denial about the breakup and act as if nothing had happened, even though “this kind of behavior was only fuelling my pain”.
“I would do anything to show my ex that I couldn’t live without them in the hope that they would miss me or take me back,” she continues. “This often meant that I made myself available for sex after the relationship was finished… Then I would find out my ex had started dating someone else and we would have a huge fight and never speak to each other again.”
No one should be defined by their relationship history — including how their breakups play out — but a series of bad breakups could be indicative that a person is playing into deeper relational patterns, says Elena Touroni, PsyD, a consultant psychologist and cofounder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic.
“We have a tendency to re-enact the dynamics of our earliest attachments. If someone grew up in an unsafe, chaotic environment, they are more likely to subconsciously choose relationships that echo this,” says Dr. Touroni. “Ending these kinds of relationships can be extremely difficult, so if there is a pattern of very distressing, ‘bad’ breakups, that might be something worth exploring in therapy.”
Looking back on her past relationships, Jasmine recognizes that she could have handled her breakups in a better way. She realizes that her first relationship and how it ended set the tone for her other relationships, which all stemmed from childhood traumas outside of her control.
“As a child, I developed fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, and codependency,” she explains. “This began to show in my interactions with men once I began dating. I thought relationships were meant to be intense — arguing, fighting every day, full of jealousy, and, then, passionate make-up sex. I thought that this was what love looked like.”
Understanding why your breakups are explosive or even harmful is helpful. It might be the case that a negative pattern is being repeated, and perhaps there’s a future in which you can part ways with partners on better terms. There’s no need to be too idealistic, though. Not all relationships need to or can end well.
Laura Vowels, PhD, is the principal researcher and sex therapist at therapy app Blueheart. She explains: “As long as both partners are able to get the closure that they need, the nature of their breakup doesn’t need to play an important part in helping them move on.”
Ultimately, whether the breakup is “good” or “bad” might not actually matter that much in the long run.
“Whether that includes reflecting on your own part and then shutting the door, or resolving to move on without acknowledging their own reasoning,” Dr. Vowels continues, “closure can mean different things to different people.”
Dr. Vowels points out that even the best intentions can fall short in a breakup. “Since a ‘good breakup’ requires both partners to end the relationship on good terms, ‘bad breakups’ can still happen, even if one partner sets out with the intention of keeping things amicable,” she says.
So even though there is pressure for all breakups to be “adult,” “evolved,” and “mature,” it’s important to remember that the ending of your relationship and what happens after isn’t always in your control and it’s not a testament to who you are. We all say and do things we regret when we are in pain — that’s part of being human.
“There are instances when ending a relationship on good terms isn’t possible and that’s fine,” adds Dr. Touroni. “Instead of focusing on what went wrong, try turning your focus to what you’ve learned from the relationship. There’s always something to learn from every relationship we enter. What will you do differently next time?”
‘Bad breakups’ can still happen, even if one partner sets out with the intention of keeping things amicable.
Dr. Laura Vowels
For Francesca and Jasmine, it was learning to love themselves and prioritize their happiness. Jasmine says: “I gained more compassion for myself as I went through the breakup, knowing that we are all deserving of love and it’s natural to want to be loved and to want to experience it.”
Dr. Vowels says that there is one failsafe way to handle any breakup: clear and respectful communication and setting healthy boundaries with your former partner.
“Agree on whether it’d be acceptable to reach out to each other in the future, and how often,” she explains. “Be clear as to whether this is a breakup with no option of going back together or more of a break and ‘we’ll see.’ Though if the door is left open, it is very difficult to heal and move on.”
Indeed, breakup sex is often driven by self-indulgence and can make people feel negative about themselves afterward, a 2020 study in the journal Evolutionary Psychology found.
“While it can be valid to stay in touch and support each other through a breakup, making yourself available to an ex-partner too quickly after a breakup can blur the lines between what is and isn’t acceptable,” Dr. Vowels warns.
At the very least, when dealing with a fresh breakup, you should feel free to create distance between you and your ex so that you can focus on your own healing.
Once you have made space for yourself, it’s time to tend to your feelings. Dr. Vowels says: “You could use this time to turn to other loved ones for comfort and support and remind yourself that unconditional love from your friends and family can be just as important as romantic attachments.”
Dr. Vowels also recommends channeling your heartbreak into activities that are good for your mind and body, such as exercising, resting, and meditating. It can be useful, she concludes, to rediscover what brings you happiness outside of your social connections, whether that’s cooking, painting, or writing, in order to prioritize self-love and acceptance. After you’ve done this work, you can decide whether you want to re-open the door.
Culturally, we might shy away from messy or imperfect breakups but they’re a fact of life. If you’re unhappy with the way your relationships have ended, it’s never too late to start looking into yourself to break patterns and make changes.
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Welcome toMoney Diaries, where we are tackling the ever-present taboo that is money. We’re asking real people how they spend their hard-earned money during a seven-day period — and we’re tracking every last dollar.
This week, a managing director working in banking/investments who makes $280,000 per year and spends some of it on tiramisu.
Occupation: Managing Director Industry: Banking/Investments Age: 35 Location: Manhattan, NY Salary: $280,000 + discretionary bonus (varies greatly — last year was $60,000) Net Worth: About $700,000 ($250,000 in retirement accounts, $150,000 in real estate investments, $250,000 in managed portfolios, about $10,000 in crypto, and the rest in checking/savings accounts; I am actively looking for more investment opportunities.) Debt: $0 (I pay down my credit card bills in full every month.) Paycheck Amount (1x/month): $14,200 Pronouns: She/her
Monthly Expenses Rent: $3,862.50 (I live in a nice one-bedroom in a full-service building with great amenities.) Loan Payments: $0 ClassPass: $20 for 10 credits Cell Phone: $75 Internet: $55 Electricity: $50-$80 (usually higher in summer because of AC) Netflix: $8 (A friend and I split the four-screen option. We each have one other person mooching off us.) HBO Max: $99 annually (A few friends use mine.) Hulu: $0 (I use a friend’s account.) Amazon Prime: $119 annually Apple iCloud: $0.99 Private Health Insurance: $1,045, for which the company pays half, so my share is $522. I know this sounds expensive, but I have no deductibles and no copay for anything including all medication, mental health sessions, and physical therapy.
Was there an expectation for you to attend higher education? Did you participate in any form of higher education? If yes, how did you pay for it?
Yes, absolutely. I don’t think I was even aware that not going to college would be an option. Not only that, but I knew my only choices were “useful subjects” to study, meaning things like history and drama were absolutely out of the question. I chose law, which was just on the border of being acceptable (medicine would have been more desirable). I got both my undergrad and graduate degrees in the U.K., and being an E.U. citizen, it was a little over £1,000 (currently $1,341.55) per year for undergrad at the time, and just over £10,000 ($13,415.55) for my graduate school. Parents paid for everything, along with living costs, some of which were reimbursed by their work.
Growing up, what kind of conversations did you have about money? Did your parent/guardian(s) educate you about finances?
We didn’t have any conversations about money at all. I know we were comfortable but not rich, not compared to some of my friends who went to the same private school where my tuition was again subsidized by my parents’ company. My parents firmly believed that money was not a topic suitable for kids, and my only concern in life should be getting good grades in school.
What was your first job, and why did you get it?
My first paying job was as a counselor at a summer camp after my first year of college. I only got this because my boyfriend at the time worked there, and I wanted to spend the summer with him and have a little spending money on the side. I think I was paid €300 per week, which was a lot of money to me at the time.
Did you worry about money growing up?
I didn’t, because I don’t think I truly grasped the concept of money. Yes, I had friends who lived in much bigger houses and bought more stuff, but I don’t ever remember being aware of the difference between ultra-wealthy and middle-class. I never felt deprived, and my parents always bought me whatever I needed. Granted, I also didn’t have extravagant taste or demanded anything outrageous, either.
Do you worry about money now?
Not really. I think I worry more for the long term — like will I have enough to retire? Or if I lose my job, how long would I last? But I don’t really worry day-to-day. Luckily, I can afford my current lifestyle without worrying about having a budget.
At what age did you become financially responsible for yourself, and do you have a financial safety net?
I became financially responsible for myself after graduating with my master’s degree when I was 22. During that last year, my parents still paid for tuition and accommodation, but I was already responsible for all of my daily expenses, which I paid for from the earnings from my summer banking internship and part-time data-entry jobs during the school year. After graduating, I got my first job and never asked for money from my parents again. I know they would be there for me if something drastically goes wrong. I can always move back home, but I really hope to never have to do that.
Do you or have you ever received passive or inherited income? If yes, please explain.
None. I am an only child, so whatever my parents do have will pass down to me, but I have no idea how much that would be, and hopefully, that won’t happen for a long, long, LONG time yet, so I don’t really count that when I think about my financial situation.
Day One
8:30 a.m. — Wake up late because I went to bed late. My ideal morning routine will have to be sidelined. I listen to the news as I make my bed, brush my teeth, wash my face with cold water to wake myself up, and spritz my face with a facial spray. I don’t know if this does anything, but it smells nice.
9 a.m. — Log into work, fill up my water bottle (trying to drink at least a liter, or 34 ounces, a day), take my assortment of vitamins, and start making coffee at home. I bought a small coffee machine during Black Friday, which is easily one of my best purchases. Just the ritual of making coffee — and the smell — wakes me up.
10 a.m. — Log on to a sales call for another side of the business I am not super involved in. It is not mandatory for me to attend, but I like to listen to how the rest of the business is doing. I multitask and field emails at the same time.
12:30 p.m. — I heat up some leftover Indian food from the weekend and listen to a true-crime podcast to relax.
3 p.m. — I log on to a Zoom panel call. I’ve been actively involved in a charity aimed at helping first-generation university students get job-ready. All of our events have been sidelined because of COVID, and we try to host virtual sessions monthly and break out into smaller groups to help students practice Zoom interviews. I really feel bad for them; I don’t know if I’d been able to handle this at their age!
6 p.m. — I go with a friend to a workout class nearby, which I signed up for via ClassPass. We grab dinner afterward at a cute sushi place close by (this has become a really good Monday ritual for us). I, and everyone I hang out with, have been vaccinated and boosted, and I’ve been testing regularly for the past month, but so far I’ve been very lucky. We also mask up whenever/wherever is necessary. $45.32
8 p.m. — Get home and am feeling super full. Mindlessly put on the TV and scroll through my phone. I just ended a long “situationship” a week ago. After two years of us talking every day and becoming each other’s emotional support and best friend during the pandemic, the man still refused to commit, so I finally cut the cord. Everything reminds me of him and I wallow in self-pity for a bit. I am struggling to find a TV show to watch that we haven’t seen/talked about together, so I end up putting on some reruns of Criminal Minds and cry.
12 a.m. — Finally drag myself to bed. This feels like an achievement because I’ve been falling asleep with the TV on as background noise more often than I’d like to admit in the past week. I don’t like being alone with my thoughts in the silence, so I put on a soothing meditation podcast and fall asleep at some point.
Daily Total: $45.32
Day Two
7:30 a.m. — Miraculously wake up on time, put on a meditation podcast, and promptly fall back asleep. I have not yet been able to meditate successfully, but this is definitely something I want to take more seriously.
8:30 a.m. — Finally out of bed and do the usual morning routine: listening to news while brushing my teeth and washing my face. I put on some vitamin C oil and a moisturizer with SPF. I usually don’t wear makeup and generally am pretty lax about my skincare, but SPF is a must!
9 a.m. — I am running a meeting, so I don’t have time to make coffee. Thankfully, it ends on time, so I run out and grab a skinny vanilla latte at Starbucks. I am a coward and walk a couple more blocks to another Starbucks instead of going to the one I used to go to with my ex. It is freezing out, but at least the fresh air feels good. $5.39
12:30 p.m. — I got a coupon for the new year for MealPal, so I signed back up for the month. I’ll cancel once the discount runs out. I opt for a Sweetgreen salad today; with the credits, it works out to about $6.35 instead of the usual $14+. $6.35
3 p.m. — I do a networking call online through a club. I used to attend a lot of networking events pre-pandemic. I am trying to be active online, but it’s really not the same. The idea is that they blindly pair you up with another member, hoping you’ll make an interesting/useful connection. However, most of my matches happen to be founders looking for funding, or coaches/mentors/entrepreneurs/whatever-they-call-themselves looking to “help” someone grow in their life both professionally and personally. I get another life coach today — not super interesting to me.
7:15 p.m. — I attend a free spin class at my local spin studio. It is for a new teacher, so they are trying to drum up some interest for him. Good workout, but he was super chatty and had a lot of “choreography,” which made me feel like I was falling off the bike half the time. Still worked up a good sweat, though!
11 p.m. — Home, showered, cozy PJs, and fuzzy socks on. I got a three-month free trial to Peacock because I’ve heard such good things about Yellowstone. Episode one is so long, though! I fall asleep at some point and drag myself to bed at 2 a.m.
Daily Total: $85.93
Day Three
7:30 a.m. — Wake up, same morning routine. I hastily read over some materials to prep for our investment call later.
9 a.m. — We have our monthly investment committee meeting. These are usually very informative, but can drag on. When we were in the office, I used to look forward to these, as we’d get a great catered breakfast spread, but today I make do with coffee from home.
1 p.m. — The morning flies by, as we have to update a number of things based on the investment meeting, with a lot of emails back and forth with our investment teams and both internal and external managers. I break for lunch with a friend. We take advantage of a great place in Midtown with an affordable lunch menu. I catch her up on my breakup, and to her credit, she doesn’t tell me “I told you so,” which I totally would have deserved. I can’t talk about it without crying, so we switch gears and strategize on how she can find a new job instead. The market is super hot right now. I promise to put her in touch with a couple of recruiters I know. $17.50
3 p.m. — I spend most of the afternoon drafting up various pertinent points to email out to our UHNW (or ultra-high net worth) clients. Someone from my team will polish up the emails and send to compliance for approval before they can be sent out.
7 p.m. — I take the subway uptown to a friend’s place for dinner ($2.75). We have delicious homemade lasagna and the tiramisu I pick up from Eataly ($15.90). She is stressed about having to move because she got a great COVID deal and now the rent has gone up so much. I know I will be facing the same in the summer, which gives me some anxiety. We end up having a glass of wine and watching some old episodes of 30 Rock. $18.65
10:30 p.m. — Get home by subway ($2.75) and am super full. Resist the urge to veg out on the couch. Instead, I brush my teeth, wash my face with a mild cleanser, put on toner and moisturizer, and get into bed. This is as much of a nighttime skincare routine as I’ve got going on at the moment. $2.75
11:30 p.m. — I alternate between reading a book (Empire of Pain, about the Sackler family and Purdue Pharma) and writing down random things I have to do tomorrow on my phone. Finally, it’s lights out around 12:30 a.m.
Daily Total: $38.90
Day Four
7:30 a.m. — Wake up, same morning routine, and remember to put in an order for biotin as I just ran out. $15.99
10 a.m. — A fund manager we work with is hosting a webinar on the outlook of 2022. I tune in, but also multitask by working on a pitch we have to present to a big prospective client. Send it off to marketing to flesh it out properly.
11:30 a.m. — I run a few 10-minute individual check-ins with various members of my team. Since we haven’t been in the office for so long, it becomes even more crucial to do a “non-agenda” check-in on a regular basis. Everyone is doing well, which is great to hear!
1 p.m. — I pick up Thai food from a truck nearby using my MealPal credit. $4.76
3 p.m. — I booked a trial Spanish class with a teacher online. I took it in high school and have always loved the language. This is one of the things I decided to pick back up in 2022. The trial class is free and I really like the teacher, so I will be doing an hour per week with her. We agree on a time, and it will be $25 per class, starting next week.
5 p.m. — My concentration starts slipping as I get an email informing me that something from Amazon is being delivered to my ex’s house. He shared my account and I regularly ordered stuff for him. I wonder if it is too late to cancel, and then reflect on whether that is too petty of me? I end up not canceling, but it’s affected my mood more than I thought, so I have another good cry session. Surely, I should be cried out at this point?
6 p.m. — Talk to a couple of friends on the phone — they are the best. I snack while I talk — some carrots with hummus, seaweed snacks, chocolate pretzels, and cereal.
9 p.m. — I drag my sorry ass to the gym. I do a 30-minute run on the treadmill, followed by 10 minutes of abs and 10 minutes of stretching. I’m not miraculously transformed from working out once, but I do feel somewhat accomplished.
11:30 p.m. — Showered and in bed, listening to some random celebrity gossip podcasts, the kind of mindless drivel that effectively puts me to sleep.
Daily Total: $20.75
Day Five
8 a.m. — Wake up and luxuriate in the feeling that it is finally Friday. I don’t have any meetings today, so it’s a slower start in general. I listen to a few podcasts as I work.
11 a.m. — Not having a real dinner means I am hungry earlier than usual. I toast some bread, make a sandwich with some turkey slices, cucumber, and tomatoes. I have it with the French onion soup from Trader Joe’s.
1:30 p.m. — I have my therapy session online. I used to see my therapist in person, but everything is online now, of course. She’s been very supportive in helping me navigate my emotional mess, but there’s really nothing to it but time. I know it was the right decision, but it just sucks. It also doesn’t help that he reached out and tried to start conversations as if nothing happened. He texted me to say he missed me as we were best friends, he even suggested to “scale back” from talking multiple times a day, to at least weekly. I just can’t. Like my therapist said, I need to take care of myself first, and that means not having any contact with him. Session is free with my insurance.
3:30 p.m. — Taking advantage of a slow day, I impulsively decide to go visit my friend who owns a beauty salon. I buy us coffees and a lemon tart to share. $16.85
4 p.m. — The place isn’t too crowded, and we catch up as she does some experimental designs on my nails. She never charges me, but I put in $20 to the general tip jar they have. I wish I had more, but that’s all the cash I have on me. $20
7 p.m. — Get home and finish up loose ends for the week. We start our self-assessment/goal setting next week, which I am dreading, but that is a future problem that I don’t have to deal with just yet. I get ready to head to my friend’s place in Brooklyn. $2.75
8 p.m. — I get two bottles of wine and they get Thai food for us to share. We catch up, play some board games, plan trips that are basically still fantasies at this point, and generally have a great time. $30.12
1 a.m. — I call myself an Uber home ($22.45 + $2 tip) and pass out. $24.45
Daily Total: $94.17
Day Six
9 a.m. — It is FREEZING out. I stay cocooned in my blanket for an hour or so, mindlessly scrolling the internet and texting various friends.
10:30 a.m. — Finally up and get myself ready to run some errands. I go pick up a book from the library, go to TJ Maxx to get a new coffee mug, as I broke one a few weeks back, and grab two sweaters that look cute. I will probably return at least one, if not both. I want to walk around a bit more, but it’s so cold, so I head home. $57.84
11:30 a.m. — Go to my building gym for a quick workout — a dumbbell-based strength routine from YouTube. I place an order for some Chinese food as I start my stretching routine. $28.94
1 p.m. — Showered and munching on food. It’s not as delicious as I thought it would be. I put more than half of it away, as I have an early dinner and don’t want to spoil my appetite.
6 p.m. — I don’t know where the afternoon went. I read for a bit, tidied up, cried a little, which led me into a nap. My friend comes to pick me up, and we head down to Chinatown for AYCE hot pot. I’m so glad he has a car. I probably wouldn’t have left the house otherwise.
8 p.m. — We have to wait for over an hour for a table, but it’s so worth it. It’s the perfect meal in this cold and we leave feeling very satisfied. My friend talks about leaving NYC for good. He’s been traveling quite a bit during COVID and I think he’s actually going to make the move and become a permanent nomad. Super happy for him, but I also know that no matter how much I dream of that lifestyle, I will end up missing the comfort of a place I can call home. $54
10 p.m. — I get into bed early but can’t sleep. When it’s late and quiet, I find myself dwelling on my ex and the past and what I could have done — very unhelpful. I put on a podcast and finally drift off.
Daily Total: $140.78
Day Seven
9 a.m. — Another cold day, but at least it is sunnier. I FaceTime my parents. They live abroad, so we try to catch each other on the weekends. I miss them a lot since I haven’t been able to visit for more than two years now.
11 a.m. — I text with a friend who lives upstate. I was supposed to head up to her today and stay overnight, but the weather forecast is not great and I am worried the train service may be impacted. Decide to take a raincheck and plan for another weekend instead.
1 p.m. — Since my plans got derailed, I really don’t have anything to do today. It is not great to be idle, though. I tidy up a little around the house and sit down to hone in on some positive habits I want to develop this year. Writing things down has always calmed me. I also heat up the second of my Trader Joe’s French onion soups and have it with some toast.
6 p.m. — Try to watch another episode of Yellowstone, but I’m just not into it yet. I’m also not super hungry, as I wasn’t very active at all today and the pastry was quite filling. I snack on some popcorn and chocolate.
9 p.m. — Look at my calendar for next week and plan out my days, including my workouts. They don’t always get done, but having it on the calendar makes me want to be more accountable to myself. I toy with the idea of asking some friends to become accountability buddies.
11 p.m. — Lights out at a decent time! It’s so hard for me to go to bed early on a Sunday night, but it does affect my Monday mornings if I am not well-rested, so I am really trying to do better. Another positive habit I hope to establish!
Daily Total: $10.11
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