13 Sexy Songs to Play Next Time You Get It On

March 05, 2020DMT Beauty

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The 13 Best Songs to Have Sex To

While you need at least two people’s physical frames for something to be considered actual sex, it doesn’t end there.

What distinguishes good sex from bad sex is … well, everything else. It’s the context: where you are and how you feel, the lighting and the smell, whether you’re doing it up against the wall or in a plushy king-size bed.

One particular aspect of sex that goes under appreciated? Sound. As with cinema, when it comes to sex, the soundtrack can make all the difference. Putting on some music while you get it on can mask the sound for any people nearby, pump you up or relax you, and give you a tempo to move your bodies to.

The right music can turn some ordinary sex into an extraordinary and memorable experience, but not all music is a great fit. Regardless of what you typically listen to, some music is just better suited for doing the deed — whether it’s the lyrics, the instruments or some ineffable sexy quality to the song.

To help you experience the musically assisted sex of your dreams, here are 13 songs that are certified sexy (with an alternate option for each if you’re not feeling the main choice).

After playing these tracks during sex, you might not be able to think of them the same way again — you’ve been warned.

The Best Songs to Have Sex To

The xx - “Intro”

Best for: Pre-sex makeouts

“Pale British indie trio” doesn’t exactly scream “hot” to most people, but listening to “Intro,” the first track on the xx’s debut album, will make you a changed man. It’s lush, it’s soothing, it’s dreamy. It’s like falling back onto the perfect couch (if the couch were actually a hypnotic trance). There are longer mixes of this song, and no, you wouldn’t be in the wrong for seeking them out because, like sex, 130 seconds just isn’t long enough.

Or try: Interpol - “Untitled”

Looking for another intro track to a critically acclaimed rock album? Interpol’s “Untitled” has a slightly different vibe — sparser and more driving — but it’s a great kickoff as well.

The Weeknd - “High for This”

Best for: Sex with some kinky vibes

It seems nobody has released more sex music in the past decade than The Weeknd, but if you’re not familiar with his earlier work, you’re missing out. Before he became a household name, the man born Abel Tesfaye was putting out darkly sultry R’n’B sex bangers like “High for This.” There’s something undeniably hot about his BDSM-tinged, drug-fuelled orgy music, and “High for This” is a standout in that regard.

Or try: The Weeknd - “Can’t Feel My Face”

His early stuff might be sexier, but his later material isn’t exactly chaste. It’s much less sparse if you like a fuller beat.

Frank Ocean - “Pyramids”

Best for: Hour-long tantric sex sessions

Most of the songs on this list are in the three-to-five-minute range, but by comparison, “Pyramids” is a tantric masterpiece. Think 10 minutes of non-stop brilliance, to be more exact. The lyrics are decidedly more “strip club” than “ancient Egypt,” but in Ocean’s hands the song is no less epic for it. And that keyboard riff? Pure sex.

Or try: Frank Ocean - “Nature Feels”

A standout from Ocean’s debut mixtape that samples MGMT’s perfect “Electric Feel,” “Nature Feels” isn’t available on Spotify, but it may be worth making the extra effort to hear.

Beyoncé - “Partition”

Best for: Sex before a night out together

For one of the most famous people in America, Beyoncé got impressively open about her sex life on “Partition,” a song about having car sex with her husband in a limo en route to the club. The song’s sexy vibes don’t begin and end at its eye-popping frankness, however, as the taut minimalist beat spills over into a booming bass thrum, and the chorus’s supplications whisper in your ears. Oh, and there’s some French voiceover about female pleasure, too.

Or try: Kanye West ft. The Weeknd - “Drunk in Love (Remix)”

With all due respect to Bey, Jay-Z’s verse ruins the original. Here, Kanye drops an unbelievably earnest sext to Kim K before The Weeknd (yes, him again) croons us home.

Drake - “Passionfruit”

Best for: Sex after a night out together

Drake’s been on the “sexy jams” circuit for years now, but perhaps none of his songs fits the mold better than “Passionfruit,” whose beat sounds like someone dipped a preloaded iPhone ringtone in a vat of honey.

Or try: Kanye West - Fade

“Fade” has some of the vibe of the “Passionfruit” beat — pitch shifted way down — and a lot of house music energy. If you can handle Post Malone and auto-tuned Kanye, this is a lot of fun. Also, that video...

Marvin Gaye - “Let’s Get It On”

Best for: Sex when you haven’t seen each other in a while

This list wouldn’t exist without the man who basically put songs about sex on the map. Lots of sexy songs are long on raunch and short on actual passion, but with “Let’s Get It On,” Marvin Gaye showed everyone how to do a sex song right. You can feel the aching sense of longing in his voice as he exhorts his would-be partner for some loving after “trying to hold back these feelings for so long.”

Or try: Marvin Gaye - “Sexual Healing (Kygo Remix)”

Purists will scream, but the beauty of Marvin’s voice is it sounds good in basically any context. If straight Marvin feels a little too slow and dusty for you, this boppy Kygo remix might hit the spot.

Childish Gambino - “Redbone”

Best for: Celebration sex

Donald Glover, aka Childish Gambino, hit a home run with the soulful and seductive “Redbone,” a song that feels like it might have time traveled to us from Marvin Gaye’s era as a pump-up jam beyond compare. Of course, given the lyrical content of the chorus, white people should not sing along, but who the hell is singing along to a sex playlist during sex?

Or try: d’Angelo - “Untitled (How Does It Feel)”

Looking for similar throwback vibes with a slower tempo? This slinky-smooth d’Angelo jam is what you’re looking for — it feels like lazy morning sex with your spouse on a day off.

Fleetwood Mac - “The Chain”

Best for: Edging sex

Like any good sexcapade, “The Chain” is a masterpiece in the slow build to an ecstatic, overwhelming ending. Each verse eventually brings back to the beginning, kind of like… edging? This is a pick that won’t work for everyone, but if your tastes veer guitar-based as opposed to R’n’B, the climax of this song is climax-worthy all on its own. When the bass comes in at 3:05, well, try not to finish prematurely.

Or try: Talking Heads - “Naive Melody (This Must Be the Place)”

“Classic rock” as a genre isn’t long on sexy songs, but this gem might just qualify for both. The beautiful, unflinching beat is stuck halfway between upbeat and haunting, and as lead singer David Byrne sings, “I guess I must be having fun,” the less we say about it, the better.

Mark Morrison - “Return of the Mack”

Best for: Tempo-matching sex

This song from ‘90s British R’n’B singer Mark Morrison, a diss track about a lover who spurned him, absolutely radiates sensual energy even with harsh emotions of its subject matter. The pounding boom-bap is a great BPM match for a rhythmic sex session either at full speed or half-speed, and you might have to bite your tongue to keep from trying to moan along mid-thrust.

Or try: DJ Khaled ft. Rihanna & Bryson Tiller - “Wild Thoughts”

If you’re feeling ‘90s nostalgic, the Santana-esque riff in this song, paired with Rihanna’s breathy admissions of horniness, could do the trick.

Sade - “The Sweetest Taboo”

Best for: Hooking up with an old flame

Sade is one of the best singer-songwriters of the 20th century, and her genius lives on into this one. Songs like this are love-lorn bops designed to make even the saddest thing sexy (and vice versa). This is your pick for sex with an ex you should know better than to keep going back to, but damn it, the sex is too good to say no to.

Or try: Sade - “Is It a Crime”

Ahh, what the hell. Like Marvin Gaye, Frank Ocean and The Weeknd, Sade is the type of person who deserves two options. Double-dipping here is most definitely not a crime.

The Notorious B.I.G. - “Big Poppa”

Best for: Roleplay sex

With Biggie’s butter-smooth voice, a recitation of the dictionary would sound sexy. No surprise, then, that his anthemic tribute to a slightly kinky relationship would come off outright devastatingly raunchy. It doesn’t hurt that it’s backed with a beat so sensuous that it would be a come-on as an instrumental. Which...

Or try: The Isley Brothers - “Between the Sheets”

...if your tastes lean more ‘70s rock, good news: The “Big Poppa” beat was sampled from an equally sexy Isley Brothers song.

Ariana Grande ft. Nicki Minaj - “Side to Side”

Best for: Sex with a forbidden crush

In a genre that’s been dominated for decades by horny male musicians, Ariana’s anthem might not be the sexiest, sound-wise, but bullies its way on via sheer audacity — the lyrics are about how hard it is to walk after getting a serious pounding from her new beau. And Nicki’s verse, where she talks about riding d*ck like a bicycle, doesn’t hurt either.

Or try: Lizzo - “Juice”

Looking for another female-driven sex song, but one that’s a bit more laid-back and sensual? Lizzo’s got some juice for you to squeeze. Warning: This track will get stuck in your head.

Ginuwine - “Pony”

Best for: The best sex you have all year

This song basically is sex. Even if you haven’t seen Channing Tatum giving his all to its undeniably filthiness in “Magic Mike” or “Magic Mike XXL,” a few seconds of listening to its absurdly catchy mechanical bullfrog-croak beat will deliver the message. The lyrics are sexy, but they almost don’t matter with a song that sounds this much like intercourse. Put this on and ride slow, low and dirty. You won’t regret it.

Or try: Ginuwine - “Pony”

That’s right — the same track, again. In the realm of sex songs, this one has no equal, no alternative, or rival. Put it on every sex playlist, ever.

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7 Manly Things That Haven’t Been Canceled ... Yet

February 07, 2020DMT Beauty

#DMTBeautySpot #beauty

How to Be a Man's Man in a Culture That Hates Masculinity

You don’t have to look very hard to realize that modern society is going through a breakup with masculinity.

While macho men used to be all the rage, in recent decades, culture has shifted away from glorifying them in a big way.

The driven CEO is now seen as an abusive anger case. The creative, visionary rockstar is now seen as an out-of-control sex addict. Police are seen as violent enforcers of the status quo, politicians are seen as sexist and power-hungry and so forth. Everywhere you look, once-respected emblems of masculine power are being recast as villainous entities.

As a result, it can be a deeply weird time to be a guy. Hearing that your heroes are now the bad guys is a deeply unpleasant experience, and hearing that you might be one of them, too, is another level of frustration altogether.

So how can you truly be a man in a culture like this, where are all the things you were taught to emulate growing up are now seen as neutral traits at best, if not outright evil at worst?

Luckily, you can still be a man with old-school values, but you might have to approach them in a slightly different way.

Let’s explore seven ways to be a man’s man, today.

1. Be Stoic

One of the things that modern society deplores most in men is a tendency towards anger and violence. Increasingly, there’s little tolerance for men who hurt, intimidate and otherwise traumatize those around them with aggressive emotional outbursts.

And while it might feel like that’s a demonization of a distinctly male trait, that overlooks the fact that manly men have prided themselves for centuries on just the opposite behavior.

Being able to control your temper is what separates the men from the boys in many cultures, and learning how to do that the right way — not hiding your feelings but controlling them — is the mark of a real man. That doesn’t mean hiding or denying your feelings, but rather working on controlling them so they don’t control you.

2. Be Brave

The man who stays home, pursuing no ambitions and confronting no evil, is not one likely to make the history books. Historically, great men have taken risks, and making bravery a part of your persona is about as manly as it gets.

The world is a dangerous place, and vulnerable people are still in need of protection. If you’re in a position to help others by way of using your toughness — that so-called problematic, masculine trait — you could be capable of making a big difference.

Intervening when you see someone being harassed on the street might be scary, but what would a manly man do in that situation? Would he walk by quickly, pretending he hadn’t seen anything, or would he try to stand up for what’s right?

3. Be Chivalrous

The concept of chivalry has fallen out of favor alongside the rise of feminism. However, that doesn’t mean that men should never offer help or protection — it just means if you’re going to offer it, it should be from a place of respect, not one of being patronizing.

No, she doesn’t need you to hold open doors for her or call her “sweet madam,” but if a guy is making her seriously uncomfortable, the chivalrous thing to do is intervene. Doing your part to protect women from varying forms of harassment is a form of chivalry that few (if any) women would be against, regardless of where their political leanings lie.

4. Be Skillful

The men you look up to — the rockstars, the athletes, the successful businessmen — are famous because of their talent. In cases where they’ve been “canceled,” it’s because society hates cruelty, and these men were cruel because they felt like they could get away with it.

The fact that abuse is harder to get away with today isn’t proof that the world has no room for male talent. Instead, male talent needs to recognize the humanity of other people if it wants to continue being adored. Pursue your passions while being kind hearted, and you will be loved the way you deserve.

If you’ve been hearing that it’s harder for men to succeed today, consider that succeeding in a context where smart, capable women are intentionally left out of things isn’t much of a success at all — it’s like being proud of winning a race when you started halfway to the finish line. A real man isn’t afraid to compete, and doesn’t blame his setbacks on others.

5. Be a Leader

The concept of being an alpha male might be on the way out, but that doesn’t mean the world doesn’t need successful men who can be leaders.

Good things don’t happen by accident, and you need to work hard to make the world a better place. The men who have fallen from their pedestals in recent years aren’t being thrown away because they’re men, but because their leadership styles were toxic and stunted people’s growth. You can still be a leader as a man, but directing in a way that lifts people up rather than beating them down. Older ideas about discipline, punishment and so forth are exactly that: old.

Want to be a true leader? Learn how to inspire those around you. Help them grow, and don’t shape them to your liking until they fit into a narrow vision of what success looks like.

6. Be a Good Listener

A way to be seen as a leader is to learn how to listen.

A real man is someone who effects positive changes in the people around him, whether they’re his family members, friends, coworkers, or simply acquaintances. Being able to be there for people — caring about their well-being, lending a helping hand when necessary, letting them know you’re there for them — that’s the kind of thing that people get remembered for.

It’s the kind of thing that legitimately affects how many people will show up for your funeral.

7. Be an Individual

People might have pretty narrow-minded ideas of what a man is or isn’t, but when someone talks about a guy’s “rugged individualism,” surely they don’t mean that he’s a giant coward who spends his whole life trying to fit in.

If you really believe in the ideals of manliness you claim to espouse, you should feel comfortable wearing whatever you want, styling your facial hair however you want and generally not giving a damn about what men are or aren’t supposed to be able to. Dance, cook, sing, cry, talk about your feelings — or don’t, if you don’t want to.

Whatever you do, if you want to be a real man, don’t look around and try to base your model of what that is from the guy next to you. Look inside, figure out who you are and who you want to be — work on being that guy.

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7 Heartwarming Moments of Healthy Masculinity in Pop Culture

November 08, 2019DMT.NEWS

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What Healthy Masculinity in Pop Culture Looks Like

Pop culture is full of examples of toxic masculinity — violence, jealousy, bad parenting, and so on. It’s hard to watch a single movie or episode of TV without seeing a guy set a bad example for the younger generation of men, and frankly, it’s the protagonist nearly as often as the villain.

Culturally speaking, we haven’t reached a point in the stories we tell where men are allowed to be people first and foremost. We end up with movies and TV shows where men have to be strong at all costs, fight and save the day. Those guys who stumble, cry, or put others first are often characterized as weak and laughable, the butts of a giant cultural joke about gender.

But through all the bad, there’s still some good that takes the form of lessons about how to be a good man in our cultural narrative, like diamonds of progressive masculinity in the rough of regressive, chest-thumping machismo.

While these men aren’t perfect, they give us glimpses of what a broader vision of being a man could be. But who are they, exactly? Here, we shine a light on seven pop culture moments that teach us about what masculinity could be.

And, of course, spoilers below. You’ve been warned.

1. “It’s a Wonderful Life” (1946)

Healthy Masculinity Moment: George foregoing his trip to Europe to keep the Savings & Loan afloat

It's a Good Example Of: Using your life to help others

Runners Up: Atticus fighting against racism in “To Kill a Mockingbird” (1962), Bobby’s level of care for the tenants of the building in “The Florida Project” (2017)

We might recognize the character whose whole life is about helping others as more feminine-coded than masculine — think the robot nanny in “The Jetsons” or Theo’s love interest telephone in “Her” — but some men in pop culture live to serve, spending their lives assisting those around them.

Nowhere does that resonate more than in Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life,” the 1946 Christmas-themed masterpiece. The movie takes the question of just how much one good-hearted person can impact the world quite seriously, as a little divine intervention allows protagonist George Bailey (James Stewart) to see just what his hometown would be like had he never existed.

It’s a grim vision, a place worsened in so many ways, big and small, but what makes George special isn’t just the massive ripple effect he realizes his presence has had in retrospect, but the actions that make up his day-to-day, along with the moral code that informs them: that helping others is of paramount importance. People deserve to live good lives no matter what economic class they’re born into, and there’s a beauty to self-sacrifice.

2. “Sex Education” (2019)

Healthy Masculinity Moment: Otis helping Adam work on his issues with sex

It's a Good Example Of: Getting real about sex and sexuality

Runners Up: Chiron reconciling with Kevin in “Moonlight” (2016), the fireside chat between Mike and Scott in “My Own Private Idaho” (1991)

As men aren’t usually taught to have a healthy relationship to sex, that can compound the already important role that sexual desire plays in their psychological makeups.

Being able to talk openly and frankly about sex in a real way that accepts difference, embraces weakness and confronts fear, like Otis Milburn does all throughout “Sex Education,” is the version of masculinity we should strive for.

Rather than using his newfound power to his own advantage, Otis is genuinely trying to help those around him (even when they don’t have any love lost for him, as in Adam's case). It would have been all too easy for Otis to use Adam's moment of weakness against him — to belittle him or demonize him or spread rumors — after all of Adam's bullying.

Instead, conscious of how awkward sex can be, he treats Adam like any of his 'clients' — meeting them where they are, and trying his best to work with them on developing a relationship to sex and sexuality that makes sense for them — whatever that may be.

3. “Mulan” (1998)

Healthy Masculinity Moment: The Emperor’s respect for Mulan

It's a Good Example Of: Men respecting women as people and equals

Runners Up: Kenneth treating Peggy with respect in Season 4 of “Mad Men” (2010), Ashitaka’s treatment of Princess Mononoke in “Princess Mononoke” (1997)

Plenty of TV and movie history focused on stories of romance. It’s the infamous plot where aboy meets a girl, featuring a dramatic arc that ends with a kiss, sex, love, or marriage. As a result, when men treat women well on screen, it’s not necessarily because they respect them as people so much as because they’re wooing them.

While it’s true that “Mulan,” Disney’s 1998 animated classic about a young woman who pretends to be a man in order to save her aging father from compulsory army duty, ends on what feels like a romantic note, this particular moment — when the Emperor and her fellow soldiers bow to Mulan after she’s instrumental in thwarting a Hun attack — is anything but courtship.

Rather, the Emperor recognizes that Mulan’s courage and intelligence were crucial to defeating Shan Yu and his henchmen. Yes, it would have been simpler for the Emperor (and more in line with classical machismo) to celebrate her captain’s role in the fight, washing his hands of the complications of her presence and encouraging the massive crowd in attendance to do the same, but “Mulan” is a movie that’s smart about gender in many ways.

The Emperor’s deference is part of that intelligence — a recognition that things like a person’s name, outfit and private parts aren’t nearly as important as their spirit and their actions.

4. “Stand by Me” (1986)

Healthy Masculinity Moment: Two forest conversations between Chris and Gordie

It's a Good Example Of: Helping another man grow as a person

Runners Up: Sean never giving up on Will in “Good Will Hunting” (1997), Pacha’s kindness to Cuzco in “The Emperor’s New Groove” (2000)

Teenage boys are ruthless, and tween boys aren’t much better. When it comes to castigating the weak, being part of a group of young boys can feel like running with a wolf pack — even among your so-called friends, you’re constantly on your guard, studying your peers for signs of weakness that you can pounce on.

That’s visible throughout much of “Stand by Me,” Rob Reiner’s coming-of-age classic about a group of boys in 1950s Oregon on a hunt for a dead body. But it’s two moments utterly detached from that quest that show us a beautiful vision of male friendship as Chris and Gordie, deep in the a forest, get real about their lives and their aspirations.

Self-appointed leader Chris’s willingness to cry in front of Gordie when talking about the unfairness of life is a deeply touching moment, and his later appraisal of Gordie’s skills, helping him see a writerly talent in himself he hadn’t yet become fully conscious of, is what sets Gordie’s future in motion.

Chris reassuring him that he isn’t a failure as a son, but rather that he’s a talented storyteller with a unique gift, is a personal leap forward for him that might never have come without that moment of honesty as a youth.

5. “Call Me by Your Name” (2017)

Healthy Masculinity Moment: Elio's father talking about love and loss on the sofa

It's a Good Example Of: Involved, loving, tender fatherhood

Runners Up: The fireside convo between Elsie and her dad in “Eighth Grade” (2018), Sandy taking in Ryan in Season 1 of “The O.C.” (2003)

“Call Me by Your Name” is a fascinating study into male love, as leads Elio and Oliver spend the movie falling for each other in and around a gorgeous villa in 1980s Italy.

But as heady as the passion is between the Italian teen and the American grad student, perhaps the most beautiful moment in the movie comes not from flirtation or romance, but from fatherly love. It’s Sam, Elio’s father, who takes the time to speak with his son about love, heartbreak and sexuality, all from his perspective as a man in his 50s.

Film and TV are bursting with examples of terrible fathers, whether physically absent, emotionally absent or all too present in their violence and cruelty.

RELATED: How to Be a Better Father

Elio’s father in “Call Me by Your Name” shows us a vision of a deeply intelligent man whose kind and measured approach to life has allowed his children to experience a culturally rich and beautiful life. He understands the depth of feeling, the importance of sharing your truest self and the necessity of being willing to talk to your children about their pain, even if they aren’t yet capable of being active participants in the conversation.

It would have been all too easy for Sam to skip this conversation, but his willingness to press on and fully engage in it makes it a rare example of truly loving fatherhood.

6. “Parks & Recreation” (2012)

Healthy Masculinity Moment: Andy playing with Diane’s daughters in “How a Bill Becomes a Law”

It's a Good Example Of: Men being secure enough in their masculinity to seem weak or effeminate

Runners Up: Mr. Rogers mourning the death of his childhood dog in “Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood” (1970), Rogelio crying with his wife in “Jane the Virgin” (2018)

Nick Offerman’s Ron Swanson in “Parks and Recreation” is one of contemporary television’s most traditionally masculine characters, portrayed as an over-the-top hodgepodge of traits gesturing towards a stodgy American manhood that’d feel cartoonish in anyone else’s hands.

Offerman’s real life exterior (woodworking, scotch, mustache) gives the role a deep believability, with his progressive views on masculinity helping to express a surprising amount of comfort with gender role reversals.

During the show’s fourth season, in the process of fixing a pothole, Ron and Andy (Chris Pratt) meet Diane (Lucy Lawless), Ron’s girlfriend, and her daughters. While Ron is initially put off by the girls’ princess-themed playfulness, Andy jumps right in and is quickly covered in makeup, looking distinctly effeminate, immediately referring to himself as a princess. Though Ron scoffs at this display, he’s eventually roped into it, begrudgingly allowing the girls to make him up in over-the-top pink and turquoise face paint.

Though he gets embarrassed when Diane laughs at his new look, his willingness to play along (as well as Andy’s excitement to take part) is an incredible example of progressive masculinity. And when Diane turns the tables by asking him out for dinner later in the episode, he’s not too proud to accept with a smile. Small wonder that (spoiler alert!) Diane ends up marrying him in the next season.

7. “Magic Mike XXL” (2015)

Healthy Masculinity Moment: Richie’s stripper friends supporting his creative transformation

It's a Good Example Of: Group male bonding and support

Runners Up: Basically the whole of “Queer Eye” (2018), the prisoners banding together in “Paddington 2” (2017)

Most of the examples on this list have described healthy masculinity in one-on-one situations. Even characters like George Bailey and Coach Taylor, two people all for helping everyone they met, often extended that help to one person at a time.

The underlying implication here is that healthy masculinity is rare to begin with, but trying to enact it with more than one or two men present can seem impossible. Surely a third or a fourth guy in the mix will scoff at the supposed weakness or effeminacy on display and ruin the whole project, no?

But there’s something beautiful about a group of men coming together and opening up in front of one another, growing as a result.

“Magic Mike XXL” is a fantastic example of that dynamic, as Mike and his fellow strippers go on a road trip that sees them baring their souls to each other as much as they’re baring their bodies to the paying customers. It’s hard to believe that the scene where Richie uses a water bottle as a makeshift penis while sensually stripping in front of an innocent cashier could feel heartwarming instead of skeezy, but it does.

The pure ecstatic energy of seeing all his stripper buddies glory in their friend’s new and fresh routine — as they’re in the process of deciding to reimagine their stripper personas in ways that are more true to themselves than stock male stripper characters — is a real and broadly applicable lesson in what being a man can be.

There are far, far more ways to be a man than just donning the same old handful of outfits, trying to be something you aren’t.

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Every Classic Way to Spice Sex Up, Ranked

November 08, 2019DMT.NEWS

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Every Classic Way to Spice Sex Up, Ranked

‘How to spice up your sex life’ lists are a well-worn trope of the relationship advice industry by now.

They’ve been a perennial favorite of both men’s and women’s advice magazines for decades, and now that digital publishing is all the rage, you can hardly throw a Google query about sex without accidentally running into one.

The only problem is, they’re all more or less saying the same things. There are only so many things you can realistically do to ‘spice up your sex life’ in a way that’s realistic and easy to attain, pleasurable enough to be worth trying, and fresh enough to be different from what you’re already doing.

Of course, every now and then, something new — think the increasing normalization of sexting — comes along and gives every sex and dating expert out there a new weapon in their arsenal. But until the next trend pops up, you’re basically pulling at straws.

Essentially, that’s how now-infamous Cosmo tips like “give him a grapefruit blowjob” happen: Some days you have to write a fresh better-sex advice list and you don’t have any new advice.

To give you a realistic sense of what you actually can do to spice your sex life up, we read just about every spicing your sex life up guide out there and then put together a list of the 20 most common tips — then ranked them from best to worst suggestions. You’re welcome!

20 Classic Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life, Ranked

20. Play Sex Games Together

Spice meter: 4/10 Realism meter: 7/10 Pleasure meter: 5/10

There’s a whole industry of sex games out there, from basic sex dice to much more elaborate board games. But if you need a set of instructions and a deck of custom sex cards in order to have better sex, you might consider sex therapy, which is probably more useful for couples whose sex lives are this level of uninspired.

19. Try a New Position

Spice meter: 2/10 Realism meter: 9/10 Pleasure meter: 5/10

Depending on how adventurous (and knowledgeable) you are, you might have tried all the sex positions you’re interested in already — but if not, throwing in a few new ones here and there is an easy way to get some novelty in the mix. That being said, a new position or two is unlikely to set your sex life on fire.

18. Try Getting Flavorful

Spice meter: 5/10 Realism meter: 9/10 Pleasure meter: 3/10

Lots of hokey sex advice involves using food or other flavoring agents somehow. Eat whipped cream off each other, used flavored lube or condoms, give your partner a blowjob with mints in your mouth, things like that. Sure, it might push your boundaries a little bit, but unless you’re sexually aroused by baking ingredients, it might be more mess than magic bullet for your sex life.

17. Make It Last Longer

Spice meter: 4/10 Realism meter: 7/10 Pleasure meter: 6/10

Lots of bad sex is bad in part because it’s over all too soon — but that doesn’t mean sex that lasts for two hours is magically amazing. Sure, slowing things down can open up new understandings of what sex can be, but if you’re not in tune with each other’s desires, longer sex is just going to be… bad sex that drags on too long.

16. Have Sex to Sexy Music

Spice meter: 3/10 Realism meter: 10/10 Pleasure meter: 4/10

Sex to music might be a necessity if there are often other people home — but if you’re not doing it already, putting some sensual tracks on while going at it can open up a fun new dimension. It won’t revolutionize anything, but it’s an accessible way to change the tone of your sex — pun very much intended.

15. Try Using Handcuffs

Spice meter: 9/10 Realism meter: 4/10 Pleasure meter: 5/10

Curious about dipping a toe into the world of BDSM? Handcuffs seem like the sex columnist-approved option for beginners. Whichever material you’re choosing, they give you a taste of what it’s like to use restraints (and a potential built-in roleplay scenario) without demanding you tie intricate knots in the heat of the moment or purchase cumbersome equipment.

14. Have Experimental Sex

Spice meter: 5/10 Realism meter: 9/10 Pleasure meter: 5/10

Every other ‘spice up your sex life’ list seems to suggest tweaking sex in some weird and unique way. Having sex without kissing, without using your hands, in the dark, without making a sound, you name it — a sex advice columnist has suggested it. It’s hard to rate them all as one suggestion, but the main constant is they don’t require much from the participants — and they likely won’t fix your flagging sex life, either.

13. Try a New Location

Spice meter: 5/10 Realism meter: 8/10 Pleasure meter: 6/10

Sure, trying a new position in the same old bed you always have sex in can be fun — but trying the same old positions in a brand new location is the real spice hack. Whether it’s a different room in your home, in a forest, a parked car or a public washroom, sex in a new place will be instantly memorable — and often refreshingly hot.

12. Get a Hotel Room

Spice meter: 7/10 Realism meter: 5/10 Pleasure meter: 7/10

Hotel rooms are arguably just a subset of “new locations,” but they’re a common and unique enough suggestion that they merit their own entry on this list. Why? Because whether you’re in your own city or not, hotel sex is hot. You feel free: You won’t have to clean these sheets or even make the bed if you don’t want to, and it’s an easy in for role-playing — as a well-to-do couple, two people having an affair, a celebrity and a groupie, etc.

11. Watch Porn Together

Spice meter: 5/10 Realism meter: 9/10 Pleasure meter: 5/10

So long as one of you has internet access, this is hardly a tall order, but finding porn that you both find arousing might be tricky. That being said, a conversation about what you like to watch could dig up some fresh erotic territory to mine, and making porn-watching something you can share rather than hide from each other can be both genuinely hot and strengthen your relationship.

10. Experiment With Erotica

Spice meter: 6/10 Realism meter: 8/10 Pleasure meter: 5/10

Similarly, getting into erotica together can be a lot of fun — and unlike porn, you’re not constrained by the limits of what’s been filmed. There’s easily available erotica for literally every kink and fetish — and if you can’t find exactly what you’re looking for, well, you can try your hand at writing it.

9. Be Spontaneous

Spice meter: 6/10 Realism meter: 8/10 Pleasure meter: 6/10

As with having different kinds of ‘experimental’ sex, being ‘spontaneous’ is both great and useless sex advice. Then again, spontaneity is often at the root of great sex. Even if you’re used to your significant other not being in the mood, giving it a shot here and there could lead to a pleasant surprise — and keeping that spirit of spontaneity and excitement in the air is a core tenet of a spiced-up sex life.

8. Try Sex Blindfolded

Spice meter: 6/10 Realism meter: 9/10 Pleasure meter: 6/10

Buying a blindfold — or using a blindfold-like piece of fabric you have lying around — is a bit more actionable than ‘Be Spontaneous,’ so while blindfolded sex is less important to a couple’s overall happiness (and frankly will be decidedly unsexy for many), it slides in one spot ahead. Why? We’re so used to sex having a visual component that undoing that (whether you, your partner or both) can deeply reset how we experience it. (Plus, if you’re roleplaying, wearing a blindfold and imagining a scenario is cheaper and easier than springing for costumes.)

7. Try Using Sex Toys

Spice meter: 6/10 Realism meter: 7/10 Pleasure meter: 8/10

‘Sex toys’ is a pretty broad category, but if you’re not already incorporating any into the sex you have with your partner, opening up to the possibility can really take things to the next level. Most sex toys aren’t particularly kinky, and using them with a partner might require a bit of courage from guys who are more insecure in bed, but they can absolutely up the orgasm factor in a hurry.

6. Try Roleplay

Spice meter: 7/10 Realism meter: 8/10 Pleasure meter: 7/10

Roleplaying isn’t for everyone, and for it to be sexy, it has to be done well. (Plus, some people will find costumes or props hot; others will just start laughing.) But if you can figure out what kind of roleplay dynamic works for both of you, you’re well on your way to having incredibly hot sex a lot more frequently.

5. Try Mutual Masturbation

Spice meter: 4/10 Realism meter: 10/10 Pleasure meter: 8/10

Lots of couples resort to not having sex when they’re too tired or not feeling well — when instead they could be jerking off next to each other. Accepting that not all sexual moments in a relationship need to involve penetration can help make sex a constant (or at least more consistent) presence in your relationship, rather than a series of all-too-short, infrequent romps.

4. Have a Quickie

Spice meter: 8/10 Realism meter: 7/10 Pleasure meter: 8/10

Sometimes spicing sex up means going back to basics rather than evolving. So if your sex life is ailing, getting it on like a pair of frantic teens can be just what the doctor ordered. Whether you’re doing it in public or at home, squeezing a hot and heavy sex session into as short a timeframe as possible can help rekindle some of the early-days magic you’re now sorely missing.

3. Give Each Other Massages

Spice meter: 6/10 Realism meter: 9/10 Pleasure meter: 8/10

There’s a reason “happy ending” massage parlors and massage-themed porn exist — in the right context, massages can be intensely arousing and erotic. With nothing more than a little massage oil, your average weeknight naked times can turn into drawn-out erotic experiences that leave you feeling both relaxed and sexually satisfied. (Plus, yes, there’s a roleplay angle.)

2. Try Sexting

Spice meter: 7/10 Realism meter: 9/10 Pleasure meter: 7/10

If you spend a lot of time apart from your partner — say, almost any couple where at least one person works full-time — you probably text them a fair amount. Want to keep the flame alive? Turn those texts sexy. Whether you’re shooting off “I want you” with some sexy emojis or sending full-on nudes, sexting is a low-cost, low-effort way to explore your desire and arousal even when you’re apart.

1. Try Dirty Talk

Spice meter: 8/10 Realism meter: 7/10 Pleasure meter: 8/10

Dirty talk is basically sexting’s logical evolution. It might be awkward, initially, to say the same kinds of things in the heat of the moment — but saying them and hearing them while you’re actually having sex can turn so-so sex into intensely hot sex, without you needing to do anything except use your words. As far as spicing your sex life goes, that’s as good as it gets.

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7 Innocuous Things Guys Say That Will Instantly Ruin a Date

October 18, 2019DMT.NEWS

#DMTBeautySpot #beauty

Things You Should Never Say While on a Date

Words can be incredibly powerful.

That’s the idea behind “the pen is mightier than the sword,” the concept of spoiler warnings and the reality that every day, somewhere on Earth, someone is on a first date. Unfortunately, that someone is probably saying something that’ll immediately convince the other person to end things at the end of the evening (if not sooner).

And while anyone is capable of saying rude, stupid and gross things regardless of their gender, the phenomenon of a date-endingly bad sentence escaping someone’s lips is one that feels ... pretty gendered. Think about it — how many guys do you know who’ve decided a date is a dead end simply based on one thing the other person said? Regardless of what your friend group looks like, probably not too many.

Women, on the other hand, have oodles of stories about this kind of thing. In order to get a sense of how guys stick their feet in their mouths, we spoke to regular people out with the hands-on experience to help get an idea of some seemingly innocuous things guys say that leaves their dates with zero desire for a second date.

1. “I’ve never felt super compelled to travel far outside my hometown.”

Why? It sounds like you’re close-minded

Lots of people don’t feel compelled to do stuff, but laying down that you think one of the most interesting things a person can do with their life isn’t for you in the very early going is going to function as a red flag for tons of people. It’s basically up there with saying you have zero interest in listening to any type of music, or you just hate food. A turn-off, right?

Pro-tip: Save revelations about your unique opinions for the second date, or later. As first dates are for establishing a connection, unless you hate travel so much that you can only possibly date fellow non-travellers, you might want to keep your hot takes stowed away for a little longer.

2. “I review a lot of sex toys for a living.”

Why? You sort of sound like a creep who is obsessed with getting it on

Look, sex toy reviews are important. Without them, the world wouldn’t know which sex toys to buy. But early on in a first date? Yeah, that’s not the best time to bring up your relationship to sex, even if it’s part of your job description.

You have no idea how the other person feels about sex stuff, and many women are likely to be on guard for guys getting overly sexual early on as a warning sign that they’re focused on one thing only — sex.

Don’t be that guy — hold off on getting sexual too early, and it’ll be extra nice later when your date brings it up before you do.

3. “I have to get home soon, my kids are waiting for me.”

Why? You immediately come off as a liar (and a bad father)

Unlike your thoughts about sex, your parental status is something you should reveal in the early going. Specifically, you should reveal it before the date — if not on your actual online dating profile, then at least between your opening message and when you set up the date itself.

Whether someone has kids or not is a huge factor in determining what it would be like to date them. Think about it: Would you love to find out the person across the table from you has two kids midway through your first date?

Dropping the kids bomb like that means you’re either a terrible dad, or the kind of guy who thinks revealing he has kids too early will scare people off of random hookups. Neither is good.

4. “Your eyes are beautiful … just like my mother’s.”

Why? You sound like you have serious mommy issues

Our brains are hyper-competent at recognizing human faces, meaning we can easily recall facial features of those we know that remind us of the ones we’re looking at.

But just because you notice something doesn’t mean you should reveal it immediately, especially if that means revealing you noticed your date looks like someone else. Especially if that someone else is someone you shouldn’t be attracted to in any way … like your mother.

5. “Oh, we’re not splitting it? I figured you’d be paying for yourself.”

Why? You sound like a selfish cheapskate

Due to the relative financial parity between women and men now as compared to past decades — women still make less than men by a fair amount, but they’re closer than they’ve ever been — certain straight guys might feel less compelled to pay for a date, whether that’s a few drinks or dinner and a movie.

Besides how rude it is to tell the person to pay for themselves on a date you likely invited them on, refusing to treat someone with politeness and generosity isn’t exactly a promising sign for what you’d be like as a more serious partner.

Sure, you have no guarantees on a date, but treating it like a battle zone is only going to make for a lot of failed dates. If you want the other person to like you, you have to be likeable yourself, starting with offering to pay for things. If your date wants to pay their own way, that’s their prerogative, but foisting the cost on them when you took the lead is going to be read as an insult every time.

6. “You must eat a lot of soy sauce, right?”

Why? You’ll most definitely come off as a clueless racist

If you’re a non-Asian man hitting on an Asian woman, assuming they consume one of the common sauces on the planet as a point of conversation isn’t exactly panty-dropping material. Not only is it an incredibly weak-sauce brag (literally), it reveals that your assumptions are way off base, and that you probably know little to nothing about Asian women.

That principle applies more broadly regardless of who you’re dating. If you approach a conversation about something they’re more familiar with than you are by attempting to play up your relative competence rather than by asking them questions about their experience, you’re quickly going to be dismissed as a brainless blowhard.

7. “Yeah, I have a sibling, but they’re disabled so I don’t really bring them up.”

Why? You sound like a soulless monster

Discussing how many siblings you have and what they’re like is a time-honored first date conversation. It’s not particularly interesting in and of itself, but how someone talks about their siblings can reveal interesting things about them. Do they have a chip on their shoulder from being the youngest? Are they loving and caring and gentle souls?

In the case of this example, do they literally view a close family member as lesser than simply because of something out of their control? That kind of tell is less of a red flag and more of a straight-up deal-breaker.

If you genuinely think certain people “don’t count” because of their gender, sexual preference, race, mental health, or any other category they belong to, you need a date with a therapist, not a Tinder match.

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The 9 Most Overrated Sex Acts of All Time

October 02, 2019DMT.NEWS

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Most Overrated Sex Acts

Sex is great, there’s no denying that. The arousal, the plateau, the climax — all great stuff. There’s the sweatiness, too, and what your hair looks like afterward.

But despite all the wet and wonderful things in the wild and wacky world of sex, if we hold up for a moment and take a genuine, clear-eyed stare at it from a reasonable distance, it’s hard not to recognize that some consensual sex acts are, well, frankly overrated.

Yes, there are lots of sex acts that have been skating by on the strength of “hot by association” for too long. These actions have somehow convinced people they’re sexy and fun, when really they’re boring, overly complicated, or just unrealistic and plain stupid.

To bring those down a peg, here are the nine sex acts we’ve deemed the most overrated (and why we believe that).

1. Reverse Cowgirl

The genius porn director who first concocted the Reverse Cowgirl position was either a maniac, a demon or both.

Minus the presence of one or more cameras pointed at a couple, this is probably the least exciting, least logical sex position there is. How come, you ask? Well, a hypothetical third-person viewer can see the top partner totally naked and doesn’t have to look at the bottom partner at all. And yes, that’s totally great in straight porn for dudes who are concerned at seeing a man’s face while still erect, but you could replace the guy in a reverse cowgirl with a floor-mounted dildo and it would be more or less the same experience.

2. Piledriver

Another porn-popularized sex position that’s dumber than the Reverse Cowgirl is the Piledriver. Who in the universe wants to be upside down while getting f*cked? The mind boggles.

And besides the giant crick in the neck the receiver is going to get, the giver is going to have cramping thighs and calves in no time. Why not just invent a sex position where one of the participants is doing a wall sit, calling it “The Brutalizer” or something? Even sexier.

3. Missionary

On the other end of the spectrum, there’s boring old Missionary. There are lots of fun variants of missionary, but if you’re just doing basic missionary by itself, you’re either in the process of losing your virginity, or you are literally a diagram of what sex looks like in a pretty chaste medical textbook.

Missionary is wildly boring, and the fact that couples continue to use it past the first time is indicative of a wide-scale failure of sexual imagination on the part of the world’s population.

4. 69ing

What’s fun about 69ing? It’s almost impossible to cum while simultaneously having enough self-possession to actively pleasure someone else.

If one of the people involved in a 69 orgasms, it’s almost certainly because they’ve stopped contributing and have just casually slipped into the role of pleasure-receiver — at which point it’s not a 69, it’s just upside-down oral mixed with lies.

69ing is a great way to keep sex going for a bit longer when neither person wants to do anything hyper-energetic (or if neither person wants to cum but both people want to experience some pleasure), but let’s be real: That’s probably a pretty rare use case for most people.

5. Tantric Sex

F*ck off, Sting. Some of us have to work day jobs.

6. Any Kind of Water Sex

It’s totally fine if you’re into having sex in the water, but can we acknowledge for a second that water sex is almost always harder to pull off than sex should reasonably be?

Whether it’s shower sex, bathtub sex, hot tub sex, swimming pool sex, ocean or lake sex (hopefully no one’s engaging in river or swamp sex), water sex is full of opportunities to slip on something, get water in your mouth and eyes, drown, or get bitten by something (and not in the good way).

And that’s not even getting into the fact that water is an anti-lubricant, meaning all that wetness is going to make penetration harder, not easier. Yeesh.

7. Sex on the Beach

You might think a good solution to the unpleasantness of water-based sex is to have sex on the beach. It’s such a cool concept there’s even a famous cocktail named after it!

You’ve got the water nearby, you’ve got the open air, you’ve got … an infinite amount of sand getting into every nook and cranny of both of your private parts. You know what, on second thought, no beach sex. No beach sex, ever.

8. Titty-F*cking

Where’s no actual scholarly research behind this statement, it’s not totally crazy to say that titty-f*cking was also invented by the porn industry.

For starters, only a certain percentage of women can even achieve the requisite boob-closeness to make the friction necessary sexual pleasure possible. Secondly, the … exact center of someone’s sternum isn’t exactly pleasure location numero uno, meaning the penis-haver is getting a sort of 2/3 or 3/4 penetration experience, leaving the boob-haver with more or less nothing.

If you like breasts so much, suck on them, lick them, squeeze them, gently (or not so gently) bite the nipples — don’t stick your dick in between them.

9. Facials

How would you like it if sex always ended with someone squeezing a jet of warm, salty paste at your face? It’s like a fun game of sex Russian Roulette that might require an eye-wash station and/or a quick shower to get it out of your hair. Be a gentleman and cum somewhere else.

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Are You an Alpha Male or Just a Bully? Here’s How to Tell

August 31, 2019DMT.NEWS

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Are You an Alpha Male or Are You a Bully?

You don’t need to be an 8-year-old getting your lunch money stolen or a shy teen getting stuffed into a locker to know that the world is full of bullies.

They’re all over the place — the jerk who wants to get into a fight after you cut him off in traffic, the patron who belittles low-paid waitstaff or the boss who micromanages employees within an inch of their lives. Somehow, these full-grown adults never really learned that bossing everyone around and subjecting them to terrible tendencies for their amusement gets less and less forgivable with every passing year.

And if the first step to overcoming any obstacle is recognizing the problem, well, the problem for a lot of adult bullies is that they don’t yet recognize that’s what they are. If they’re ever confronted with the reality of what they’re doing, they’ll write it off as other people being just being too sensitive, or they’ll frame it as just being harsh but fair in their eyes.

While bullies can come in any shape, size or gender, one of the ways many bullying-prone men convince themselves they’re in the right is by assuming the mythical title of “alpha male.”

And while the term has positive connotations for many people, regardless of whether they subscribe to any other beliefs about wolf-pack dynamics, modern human society, unlike packs of roving canines who need to kill other animals for food, doesn’t rely on so-called alpha males to maintain its stability.

Due in part to the invention of things like cooperation and democracy, humans are capable of getting by without an angry jerk whose breath smells like elk blood running the show at every moment of the day.

So if you go around describing yourself as an alpha male, there’s a decent chance that you’re actually a bully who hasn’t come to terms with his impulses to control and belittle other people. Don’t believe it? Let’s go over some scenarios.

How to Figure Out If You’re an Alpha Male or a Big Bully

Example: Dominating a Conversation With a Date

You Think It’s an Alpha Move Because: Impressing women is one of the classic alpha male traits (somehow, alpha males are always straight). And, their logic goes, you can’t impress someone just by sitting there silently. That means the alpha male must be a guy who conveys how great he is in conversation — name-dropping, bragging and being funny are all on the table. He’s not going to be some beta male who just lets a woman talk all over him, is he?

It’s Really a Bully Move Because: This may surprise you, but listening (and asking questions) is actually an incredibly sexy trait that a lot of guys overlook. Meanwhile, dominating the conversation, even if what you’re saying is funny or cool, will likely leave your date wondering why they bothered coming out. Prioritizing how you think you look over how someone else actually feels is a classic bully move to make.

Example: Criticizing a Coworker for Doing a Bad Job

You Think It’s an Alpha Move Because: Ensuring the health of the pack by picking off weak links is one of the alpha male characteristics many guys love to mention. In a business setting — a much vaunted environment for the alpha — this can take the form of speaking out against mediocre or sub-par performances to ensure that everyone’s work is held to a high standard.

It’s Really a Bully Move Because: Even if the self-proclaimed alpha male in this scenario is the other person’s boss, haranguing someone in front of their peers is a horrible management style that’s more likely to lead to them quitting than getting their act together. The bully is all about show — appearing to be better, appearing to be in control. If results were what was most important, this guy would use one or more private conversations to deal with the issue, not a mass email or a meeting.

Example: Complaining to a Salesperson

You Think It’s an Alpha Move Because: If there’s one thing that defines beta males, it’s getting stomped all over. No matter who it is doing the stomping, betas are used to letting someone else be in charge, even if it goes against their wishes or desires. In everyday settings, that plays out as letting people get away with bad service or rude treatment. Being an alpha male, however, means not putting up with that kind of stuff. This guy will call out anyone making him wait, bringing him the wrong order or otherwise forcing him to settle for less than his expectations.

It’s Really a Bully Move Because: People in low-paying menial jobs have it hard enough as it is without adding frustrated and demanding customers to the mix. Getting loud and aggressive in public over a minor issue is one of the worst examples of toxic masculinity. Even if you think you’re being relatively diplomatic about it, there’s a good chance you’re coming off a lot angrier than you realize. Unless the employee is being explicitly rude to you — and even then, there’s a good chance you’re misinterpreting someone who’s burnt out and struggling as an insensitive jerk — it’s best to approach such an interaction with as much politeness as you can manage.

Example: Being a Dick on the Road

You Think It’s an Alpha Move Because: Asserting your dominance in car form gives you a sense of primal power. Cutting people off (or shaming people who cut you off), aggressively honking or giving the finger are just some things on the list of ways to punish people for supposed misdeeds. And given the potential consequences of bad driving, shaming people for their screw-ups and carelessness could get it through their thick skulls that they need to take driving more seriously once and for all.

It’s Really a Bully Move Because: Unless you’re in a sports car commercial, driving sucks. There are lights every few feet, the road is crammed with a million other people who don’t care about you and the possibility of injury and death lurks around every corner. People are doing the best they can, and there’s a gigantic difference between reckless endangerment and a bit of indecision. But a lot of road aggression isn’t a choice so much as the inability to just be chill about stuff. Putting your own emotions, instincts and anger first and notions of politeness or understanding second? Let me do a quick check … oh, that’s a bully move!

What Is an Alpha Male, Really?

What is an alpha male? At the end of the day, it might not be anything. The scientist who invented the term has since admitted it might not actually even exist in wolves to begin with.

Instead of worrying about how to be an alpha male, or where you stand in a ranking of most to least dominant, ask yourself whether you’re secretly being a bully. Are you constantly putting your own needs and feelings ahead of everyone else’s? Are you prioritizing how you look during a problem-solving process over whether a problem actually gets solved?

If you’re grudgingly answering yes to those questions, congratulations! Acknowledging the problem is step one when it comes to solving it. The work of de-bullifying yourself might not be easy, but it has begun … and that’s something the bullies still bragging about being alphas can’t say for themselves.

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What Incels Get Wrong About Chads (And Why That Matters)

August 07, 2019DMT.NEWS

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Debunking the Chad Myth

Every lonely guy out there — when he’s not thinking about how frustrating it is to be alone — must, at some point, think about the guys who aren’t. We have all kinds of words to describe them: ladies’ man, lothario, ladykiller, Romeo, Don Juan. And, in recent years, online incel culture has given us a new one ... the Chad.

What is a Chad?

It might be a little bit out of step with the other terms, giving off a bro-ey vibe rather than a smooth and seductive one, but the Chad isn’t much different in real-world terms. Basically, he’s a guy who has no trouble getting dates.

His physical prowess, stunning good looks, bountiful riches and overwhelming self-confidence mean he has a steady stream of willing, desirable sexual partners at his disposal. In short, when it comes to dating and hookup culture, he’s a king among men.

He’s also a bit of a fiction. Of course, if you lined up every guy in the world and ranked them from most to least successful at dating, there would be some wildly successful guys at the front of the line. But what percentage of guys has this essentially frictionless dating experience? What percentage of guys never gets rejected or dumped despite asking people out constantly? What percentage are handsome, muscular, rich, confident and successful all at once?

Realistically, it’s almost zero.

But if you’re having no success when it comes to dating, it’s easier to analyze the world using an easy us-versus-them dichotomy than it is to realize that, like so many things in life — mental health, gender, inherent goodness — dating success is a spectrum, not a binary. Sure, there are guys with tons of success and guys with none, but much more common is, well, everything in between. And when you realize dating success is more about shades of grey, not black and white, you might also realize that it’s easier to move from one shade of grey to another than to switch polarities entirely.

Every guy who looks like a stereotypical Chad from a distance was probably someone who struggled (at least a little bit) in the early going. It’s possible to be rich and shy or handsome and an asshole; you can be muscular and ugly, too, or confident and horrifically dweeby. You become good at dating not by divine right, but with practice and self-improvement.

Chad vs. Incel: Why It’s a Fake Binary

It might be hard to imagine this if you’re used to years of strikeouts, humiliation and loneliness, but the guys who have success getting dates and hookups and Tinder matches aren’t some faraway ideal no one else could ever hope to emulate.

What they are is guys who are comfortable with who they are, and with what dating is like.

When doling out dating advice, it can be cruel to imply that it’s somehow simple or easy to start having success in that arena. If the person on the receiving end of that advice has spent time struggling to make anything work, how easy or simple can it realistically be?

It might not be easy to get comfortable if you haven’t been comfortable. It’s like trying to find a job — all the jobs want someone with work experience, but if you don’t have any, how do you get some to begin with? While you’re out here languishing in single-ville, guys who’ve already been in a bunch of relationships are probably getting more thrown at them.

There are two schools of thought here. Of course, you can fake it until you make it. And sure, there is something to that — pushing yourself to act chill when asking someone out might not be the easiest thing ever, but if you can successfully convey some confidence, you’re probably more likely to get a yes than if your limbs are shaking.

The other option? You do some work until you’re in a place where you can’t help but feel comfortable.

Besides the evil Chads waiting to steal away anyone you might have a crush on, another big lie that incels tell themselves is that their celibacy is a permanent condition. The truth is, every person is in flux. We’re all in the midst of growing, changing, evolving. Yes, you might not notice a lot of changes from one day to another, but five years from now, you’ll be someone noticeably different.

So why not make your future self someone other people will be excited to date? This isn’t rocket science. You don’t need to be a millionaire, a bodybuilder or a stereotypical Adonis. Instead, you just need to be a good guy who’s comfortable in his own skin and has a handful of things going for him.

At a loss about where to start? Sketch out a plan for self-improvement. Bone up on fashion tips so you can start dressing better. Hit the gym and get in better shape. Get on your hustle and try to push your career forward a bit.

Perhaps most important, put some work into you. Meaning, try going to therapy. You might be one of those guys who thinks that kind of thing is just for weirdos, psychos and freaks; you might be one of those guys who thinks that kind of thing is for people going through something serious.

But even a handful of therapy sessions can prove incredibly helpful for just about any person. You can learn so much about yourself — who you are, why you do the things you do, what you fear and what you aspire to — and you’re likely to come out the other side feeling much more comfortable with who you are.

That kind of psychological calm is impossible to fake, and it’s something that’s incredible to date. Knowing the person on the other side of the table from you has a modicum of self-awareness and groundedness is a big turn-on.

Incels might be wrong about the specter of the looming Chad, but that’s easy enough to figure out. The more interesting thing they’re wrong about is that you can’t change — this idea that you’re doomed to stay as unattractive as you are currently for your whole life, trapped in lonely amber.

The ball is in your court. Are you going to start working on the person you want to be five years from now? Because once you start on that journey, you’ll be surprised at how quickly your dating luck changes.

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Why Being Angry Might Be What’s Keeping You Single Right Now

July 31, 2019DMT.NEWS

#DMTBeautySpot #beauty

How Your Anger Might Be Whats Keeping You Single

It’s Friday night and you’re out on a first date with someone you met on an online dating app. You don’t have any friends in common, but she’s decently attractive, you have a few overlapping interests, and she managed to make you laugh once or twice. When she suggested getting drinks, you thought, why not?

You’re in a dimly lit bar and trying to figure out how you feel about her. She’s made a few jokes so far that made you feel a little weird — jokes about how men are scum, jokes about how every guy she’s ever dated was an idiot, jokes about how she killed a male stripper once — and you’ve noticed you’re enjoying yourself less.

As she puts her hand on your knee you remember a story you’d heard recently — a buddy of yours was drugged and raped by a woman. And on the news yesterday, you’d heard about a guy who was recently murdered by his ex-girlfriend. You take a sip of your drink and fake a smile. Your date’s still talking, but you decide, however good she might be in bed, it’s not worth it.

You tell her you have to go to the washroom, stand up, and head for the door, walking quickly just in case.

Most likely, you’ve realized by now that this isn’t a real scenario of a guy on a date with a man-hating feminist — it’s a gender-flipped one, a thought experiment exploring what it’s like to be a woman on a date with a misogynist man. One of the biggest turnoffs for women today is a straight man who hates women, and whose anger towards them is palpable.

Over the past few years, between the #MeToo movement and various other technologically mediated cultural shifts around gender roles and relations, the reality of male physical, sexual and emotional violence towards women has gone from being an open secret to an ongoing headline-making discussion — and the role of male anger towards women as the root of that has come to the forefront.

We live in an era where men can no longer misbehave and expect to get away with it. Not too long ago, men who acted with impunity towards women were safe in the knowledge that the accusations wouldn’t be believed, that the police wouldn’t investigate, that the jurors wouldn’t convict, or that the media wouldn’t cover it. That is thankfully no longer the case.

Today, women take to social media when men harass them; the popularity of Instagram accounts like Bye Felipe and Twitter accounts like SheRatesDogs is a sign that broadly speaking, women are conscious of the extent male cruelty and callousness like never before.

Part of that consciousness is the increasing awareness that male anger towards women isn’t a final product, it’s a seed. Every man who’s ever been violent toward a woman — every man who’s beaten a woman, raped a woman, killed a woman — began as someone who was angry towards women.

That’s not just conjecture. School shooters, murderers, and domestic terrorists so often have domestic violence charges or convictions on their records that it’s a confirmed part of scholarship around how male violence functions. Women are increasingly aware that men hurting the women they’re close to is step one on the path to worse violence.

That’s not to say that every man who’s cruel to a woman will end up committing violent or criminal acts, but spotting the red flags that a guy harbors ill will towards women in general can be an absolute deal-breaker in the early going of a courtship.

So, here’s how it might play out for you. You think your date is going well, but then you start trash-talking a female pop star, deriding particular women as sluts, or saying someone deserved to be harassed because of something they did or said. You think you’re just making conversation, but all of a sudden,the woman sitting next to you starts making plans for an early exit.

That might feel like an overreaction, but in a climate where the worst-case scenario for getting involved with a guy is, quite literally, violence or murder, it makes sense that women would be increasingly sensitive to signs that a guy doesn’t like women. It could be that he thinks female success isn’t as deserved as male success, or that women shouldn’t be able to act the way they want, or worse, that male-on-female violence is somehow justified.

Recognizing that those opinions aren’t neutral or natural or chill but rather explicitly anti-women is the first step to working through that anger. Step two might be a bit more complex. Once you’re capable of recognizing that you are angry towards women, you’ll need to work on figuring out why, and work on changing that.

Going to therapy would be a good start, as it’s possible that your anger has roots in past experiences such as feeling unloved by your mother or a mother figure at a young age. You could also be dealing with trauma from a difficult relationship with a female sibling, a bad breakup with an ex or a series of rejections or humiliations that left you distrustful of women in general. Of course, a healthier approach is recognizing that your issues were with specific women or specific women’s actions, not all women.

If you have women in your life you’re close to or who trust you, opening up to them about this could also help you work on your anger issues. You shouldn’t expect a female friend, relative, acquaintance or coworker (or stranger!) to help you work through the fact that you feel anger towards women, but it’s possible someone in your life who wants to help you will be willing to talk to you about gender and how your perception of it is impacting your life.

What you should absolutely do is to start listening to women. Whether that means reading books written by women or watching movies made by women, following women on Twitter or listening to female-led podcasts, make a significant space for female voices and opinions in your life.

So many men who experience a deep frustration with or anger towards women deal with the problem by increasingly turning away from meaningful interactions with them. But all that’s likely to do is leave you ignorant of what being a woman is really like and substituting your own frustrated reasonings to try to explain their actions.

The upshot is that, increasingly, the likelihood that you’ll get turned down for a reply, a date or a kiss won’t be because you’re lacking in looks, strength or manliness. It won’t be because of the size of your dick, your car or your wallet. It’ll be because your anger toward women is more obvious than you think.

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5 Types of Men Women Find Attractive (And Always Land Dates)

July 19, 2019DMT.NEWS

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5 Types of Men Women Find Attractive

Pop culture and online forums have depicted this vision of idealized masculinity that we think we need to become in order to be lucky in love.

If you want the people you ask out to say yes, you need to strive to be the perfect man — handsome, muscular, rich. A real man’s man, essentially. And frankly, If you’re all of those things already, you probably don’t spend too much time reading posts about how to get more people to swipe right on you.

The real truth about dating success is that, because everyone wants something a little bit different, your best bet isn’t to transform yourself into a totally different person. Instead, you must find the best version of yourself and work on becoming that.

Yes, there’s more than one type of dream guy. You might know that already, but it’s genuinely something that lots of guys don’t seem to realize.

Meaning, in a room full of 30 guys all trying to be the same guy, the guy who goes in the opposite direction is going to have a whole lot more success on dating apps. Why, you ask? Well, because all the people who find that confident macho man thing a little over-the-top and are looking for something different will notice him immediately.

If you’ve been wasting time wondering how you’re going to be the type of suave, classically attractive guy who could become the spokesperson for a cool beer company, it’s time to switch up your thinking. Instead of that, you need to figure out what the most date-able version of you is, and work on becoming that guy.

To give you something to shoot for, here are five types of guys who don’t struggle to get dates. Sure, they might screw those dates up or leave a trail of burning wreckage behind them as they screw over one partner after another, but each one of these men possesses desirable traits that make people want to go out with him — and make people willing to overlook his other flaws.

1. Wise Guys

The phrase “wise guys” has a number of different meanings, so it’s important to clarify what’s meant here first. This isn’t mafia-style “wise guys” at all, it’s not the biblical three wise men and it’s not sarcastic guys, like, “Oh, you’re a wise guy, eh?”

What’s sexy are really, genuinely wise guys — guys who have wisdom. That means you understand the world, you’ve seen things and learned from them. It means you know that speaking is less important than listening, and you’re not one to make rash decisions.

Wisdom is often associated with age ... and surprise! Lots of people find older guys sexy. Perhaps you’ve heard that the word “daddy” has sexual connotations these days?

But you don’t need to be greying at the temples, or bald and out-of-shape in order to be a wise guy. You just need to be someone who’s thoughtful, knowledgeable and willing to share what he’s learned.

Attempt to be a wise guy if: You’re experienced, knowledgeable, confident

Don’t attempt to be a wise guy if: You’re insecure, young, hot-headed

2. Fun Guys

Lots of dating advice advises guys that the best way to their crush’s heart is to make them laugh. And there’s some truth to that — if you can make someone laugh, there’s a good chance they think you don’t totally suck, which is a step towards attraction.

But the upshot of all that “funny is sexy” talk has been that some guys think flirting should be some kind of joke-based target practice … and that is not sexy. Nobody wants to feel like you’re funny-ing them to death.

What’s really sexy is fun guys. Guys who are fun to be around. And that can take many forms — the guy who’s always planning parties, down for anything, lives and breathes stupid puns, or the guy who’ll immediately befriend half the room at a party before the night’s barely begun.

Attempt to be a fun guy if: You’re friendly, funny, spontaneous

Don’t attempt to be a fun guy if: You’re self-serious, egotistical, stand-offish

3. Successful Guys

That’s not to say that serious can’t be sexy, either. You may have heard that celebrities are attractive, and a big part of that is that, well, success is sexy.

When you can do things that other people can’t do — when you can blow people’s minds, drop people’s jaws or make them stop and stare — you’re going to have a much easier time dating.

That doesn’t mean that being good at anything will do, of course; the world’s most talented male roller-blader isn’t necessarily swimming in first dates.

But a guy who’s good at something and who has translated that talent into tangible success? Who’s won awards, nailed down impressive jobs and made big money? That guy is sexy.

Attempt to be a successful guy if: You’re good at something, you’re driven, you’re ambitious

Don’t attempt to be a successful guy if: You’re easy-going, allergic to stress, unable to commit

4. Generous Guys

It’s clear that rich guys are sexy, right? Or are they? The idea that rich guys are some kind of dream catch comes from a mistaken idea about what, specifically, is desirable in a rich guy.

Money alone isn’t it. Rich guys are often sexy because they’re successful to begin with, and the possibility that they’ll spend those riches on you is tantalizing. But what that means is that it’s better to be a generous guy with not a ton of money than a selfish jerk with wads of cash.

That’s because generous guys are dream dates no matter how much money they have. They’re thoughtful, they’re kind and they care about other people’s experiences and feelings. This is the real dream — someone who’ll get you flowers, who’ll help you move and who’ll pay for dinner.

Attempt to be a generous guy if: You like making people happy, giving gifts, doing things for others

Don’t attempt to be a generous guy if: You’re selfish, ego-centric, hate splurging

5. Healthy Guys

There are lots of ways you can be healthy. Often, guys imagine this category filled with muscle-bound macho men, but the truth is that the oiled-up brolic bro is really only attractive to a very small number of people.

What’s really attractive? Guys who know how to take care of themselves. That could mean muscles, sure, but it could also mean great cardio, a healthy diet and no substance abuse.

It could also mean you know how to take care of yourself in the emotional sense. This is something a lot of guys struggle with. Talking about our emotions and processing our feelings is just not something most guys are taught growing up.

But if you’ve been able to overcome that hurdle — if you’ve been in therapy, if you’re comfortable crying here and there, if you’re not afraid of tough emotional conversations — you’re really quite the catch. It’s the 21st century; cavemen are very passé.

Attempt to be a healthy guy if: You’re well-adjusted, in good shape, love the outdoors

Don’t attempt to be a healthy guy if: You’re dishonest, always angry, over-rely on drugs or alcohol

No matter who you are, there’s a version of you who’s capable of going on lots of dates. You could worry that you’re undesirable in any number of different ways, but there’s more than one way to be sexy — and once you figure out which way works for you, you’ll be well on your way there.

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