The answer to this title is simple:
Always.

We have a tendency to consistently try to make ourselves or others “feel better.” We are driven by compassion and empathy, but these two can often be misdirected and instead, we project our idea of “okay” onto ourselves and other people.

What would it look like for us to simply feel whatever it is that’s coming up for us?

When we are sick, we know to take medicine to feel better.

But what if we are emotionally sick or in pain?

There is no medicine to take. There is no concrete action that is always available to us.

Often, seeking out a solution to our pain will simply cause us to put off the inevitable process of feeling our feelings.

All of the articles I have written have the same underlying truths behind them:

That we must show up for all of our emotional experiences, no matter how painful they are, or they are destined to continue manifesting in our lives in different ways.

That it is normal, expected, and human nature to have times when we are not okay.

That we judge and shame ourselves more harshly than anyone else does for our emotional experiences.

If I go through a break up with a significant other and refuse to allow myself to feel that pain, I am likely to cause harm to the next person I date or sabotage my relationship with them.

Actively processing and allowing ourselves to show up for our emotions is what heals all wounds.

Is this comfortable? Absolutely not.

Is it vital for emotional growth? Without a doubt.

How often do we respond to the question “How are you?” with a simple, “I’m fine,” or even, “Not great but I know this too shall pass so I’m fine.”

But are you really?

​​In the fall of 2015, I was in one of the most emotionally dark places of my life. I had gone through a painful breakup, tried to rebound with multiple male friends, and found myself empty and alone. 

I didn't start to truly heal until I sought out a therapist. I had previously told myself that I didn't need therapy because I literally am one, but I had dug myself into such a deep hole of emotional despair and I didn't know how to to climb out. I had made myself at home there; I hung up curtains.

This therapist emphasized the importance of allowing myself to feel. Of sharing openly at 12-step meetings that I wasn't okay and that I was scared and lost. Of reaching out and telling people about my pain. Of writing my truth instead of stifling it.

It is only then that I not only started to heal, but I began a journey of emotional growth that I didn't know I needed or was capable of.

We must start to shed the shame that surrounds not being okay. We must let go of the notion that if we are feeling pain of any kind, we are weak or doing something wrong.

You are not alone in your dysfunctional ways of thinking and feeling!

It’s how most of us have been raised, conditioned, and told is normal.

Normal is fine, but healthy is a different story.

How can we learn to let go of the narrative that we must run from or distract ourselves from our feelings in order to be okay again? Those feelings aren’t going to go away. Not now, not ever.

There are definitely actions you can take to release yourself of emotional pain or self-centeredness, but most of those actions have an element of focusing on yourself before you start focusing on others.

Let’s look at yoga as an example.

The practice of yoga teaches us that pain is impermanent, down to a physical level, and emphasizes the importance of leaning into the discomfort of a pose in order to release the hold that it has on us.

I am not suggesting that we must wallow and feed our pain in order to walk through it. I am doing my best to convey the concept that the only way out is through, not around.

Yoga promotes intentions such as non-judgment, self-compassion, loving kindness, and surrender. It does not perpetuate the maladjusted behavior patterns like control, self-will, or being “stronger” than anyone else in the room.

The focus is on you and you alone, but by being present with others on the same journey, we wind up with a significantly more profound connection to everyone else in the class.

Try bringing some of the principles of yoga off of this page or your mat and into your life.

It's not easy, but it's worth it.

It is okay to feel pain.

It is okay to feel scared.

It is okay to feel uncertain.

It is okay to feel grief.

It is okay to feel lonely.

It is okay to not be okay.

Yes, it will pass.

Yes, it is impermanent.

But you can honor your emotional experience by being present for it, not by distracting yourself or avoiding it with every fiber of your being.

Just for today, show up for whatever you're feeling.

Happy weekend!

Subtitle: 

We must unlearn old behaviors of suppressing our emotions.

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Working Through Shame

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We must show up for all of our emotional experiences, no matter how painful they are, or they are bound to continue to manifest in dysfunctional ways.

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There is nothing that bothers me more than when I feel as though I’m being spoken down to, patronized, or belittled.

As a 28-year-old therapist, I get this often.

This can happen in a professional environment such as a networking event, among my peers, and even and especially my own family.

What I’ve realized, though, is that most of my interpretation of this condescension exists solely in my head. It exists from my deep-seated fears of not being good enough, of being too young to excel at what I do, and of never adding up to my own expectations.

When I was in a training about non-reactivity, the facilitator asked us what our emotional “triggers” are. I have seldom looked inward at my own triggers unless they pertain to drugs and alcohol, although I’m not quite sure I even believe in triggers anymore.

(Rather, I believe that people, places, or situations can trigger an emotional response in us that we may not know how to deal with, and ultimately end up drinking or using drugs as our primary coping skill).

Emotional triggers are very similar.

If you’ve ever thought, "that person puts me in a really bad mood,” or even, “this situation just ruined my day,” this is for you.

People, places, and situations don’t ruin our day. They don’t actually do anything to us.

Our reaction to these factors are what sets us off.

Our reaction is the only thing we have control over.

For years, it was much easier for me to accept my own lack of control over drugs and alcohol than it was to accept my lack of control over other people and their thoughts, feelings, and actions.

I would consistently blame external elements for my state of mind or mood.

But why am I giving all of my power away to someone or something that is objectively neutral?

I subscribe to certain Buddhist beliefs, especially the notion that of everything being innately neutral and that we as humans bring meaning to these things.

I realized in this training that my emotional trigger is not feeling good enough.

My emotional trigger doesn’t have to do with anyone else “making me feel” not good enough, because no one and nothing can make me feel anything.

In the wake of admitting powerlessness over other people, I have regained power over myself, my thoughts, feelings, and ultimately, my reaction to life.

We are not passive recipients of our own lives.

We need not be swayed by the weather, toxic people, traffic, condescension, or intolerance.

What you think of me does not make me who I am.

What happens to me on a daily basis does not alter my state of mind.

My reaction to it is what makes me, me.

We need to be aware of our own emotional triggers before we can even begin to alter our reaction to them.

For me, when I feel as though I’m being patronized, I need to look inward.

Why is this conversation triggering my insecurity?

What, in me, do I need to work on so I can release this anger and anxiety that’s welling up inside of my chest right now?

Is it about the person, or is it about what they remind me of?

Is there a person in my life who this person is triggering a memory of?

And ultimately, do I feel  as though I am not good enough?

If not, there is absolutely no reason for me to internalize anyone else’s negativity.

We get to free ourselves from the bondage of other people’s perception of us.

If control is your trigger, think about that next time you’re stuck in traffic and feeling yourself get more and more stressed by the minute.

Stop blaming your internal experience on an external situation.

Look inward, and dive in.

There’s always more room for growth.

Subtitle: 

How to stop blaming your internal experience on an external situation.

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Working Through Shame

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When we identify our own emotional triggers, we get to free ourselves from the bondage of other people’s perception of us.

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This is one hits me right in the heart.

Even writing the title, I can feel a part of myself tensing up.

Over the weekend, I was watching a segment of Oprah’s “Super Soul Sunday” with Brené Brown.  I have read, watched, and listened to so many Brené pieces that I genuinely didn’t think she was going to say anything that surprised me.

Then I heard her say,

“In order for forgiveness to happen, something has to die.”

I remember reading that line in Rising Strong, her book from 2015, but it didn’t resonate with me then the way it does now. Maybe that’s because, at the time, I was in the trenches, picking up the shattered pieces of my broken heart after I had self-sabotaged and thrown a wrench into my beautiful life.

I was so privy to pain, even if it was of my own making, that I didn’t stop to think about forgiveness, closure, and letting go. I always thought that I would be in control of the closure. Making amends, talking it through, or getting back together eventually.

This past Sunday, that line hit me right in the gut.

What has to die?

She continued to expand on the notion that we need to go through the stages of grief in order to truly experience forgiveness or closure.

That’s when I remembered this painfully accurate quote:

“Closure happens right after you accept that letting go and moving on is more important than projecting a fantasy of how the relationship could have been.” -Sylvester McNutt III

In order to truly experience closure, we need to truly and internally allow the idea of “what could have been” to die.

This also reminds me of something I heard in early sobriety:

“You can’t be in love with someone’s potential.”

Which means we need to grieve, and this seldom is a graceful process. 

Denial, bargaining, depression, anger, acceptance.

I don’t know about you, but I tend to bounce back and forth through the first 4 stages before finally landing on acceptance. Surrendering to the pain, surrendering to the grief, and accepting the reality of the situation as it currently is.

When I stay angry, I inhibit myself from flowing through the stages of grief. I harbor my resentment about the way a relationship or situation “should” have been, and construct barriers to landing in that sweet (but painful) spot of acceptance.

Thus, forgiveness and closure go hand-in-hand.

I need to forgive myself, the other person, the situation, the reality that I refused to accept for the longest time, the opinions of others, the unsolicited advice, the gossip, the rumors, the way that everything turned out.

I need to stop telling myself that I’ll experience closure after a conversation or an agreement. That I’ll one day wake up and say to myself, “wow, time really does heal all wounds!”

It doesn’t.

Time doesn’t do anything but pass unless we’re willing to do the difficult work of leaning into the pain and feeling it. Dealing with it. Healing from it.

I need to grieve the life I was planning.

I need to grieve the naïve but hopeful romantic in me, who never knew the pain of heartache.

I need to grieve the family I acquired from my significant others.

I need to grieve the part of myself that still held onto the delusional notion that I was in control of the way my life ends up.

I’m not.

I need to forgive myself for that which I did not know at the time.

I need to forgive myself for consistently doing the best I could with what I had.

I need to forgive those throughout my life who held parts of my heart, and who have chosen not to hold them anymore.

I need to forgive the critics, the gossipers, the bystanders.

I need to grieve the idea of who and where I wanted to be,

And I need to forgive the real me.

And when I close the door on closure,

I open the door to myself.
 

See hannaheliserose.com/blog

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Forgiveness and closure go hand in hand.

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Working Through Shame

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In order to truly experience closure, we need to internally allow the idea of “what could have been” to die.

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