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While many of us were more than happy to get vaccinated as soon as a safe option became available to us, there is a considerable portion of the U.S. population that is still opposed to the idea. Yes, the anti-vax movement is still going strong, despite realities like vaccine passports making it difficult to operate without getting jabbed. It’s also causing experts to rethink whether herd immunity is a realistic goal, at least in the foreseeable future.

As of now, about half of adults in the U.S. have received at least one dose of the coronavirus vaccine, but hesitancy is still widespread. One UCLA survey, which interviewed 75,000 people over the last 10 months, found that 38% of respondents were worried about the side effects and 34% said they didn’t think the vaccine was safe. Among registered voters, one in four Americans says they will not receive any COVID vaccine.

Observing the recent stagnation in vaccination rates across the country, experts are now trying to persuade as many people as possible to get inoculated. But what is going to convince people to get the shot if they are hesitant? Actually, the solution might be simpler than you think.

Public service announcements about how safe and effective the vaccine is are no longer enough. But the UCLA study reported that roughly a third of unvaccinated people said a cash payment would make them more likely to get a shot. Amounts as low as $25 showed promising increases, but respondents were most willing when $50 or $100 was offered. And it looks like some states have already come to this conclusion prior to the study’s release. In West Virginia, Gov. Jim Justice recently announced that the state would give young people $100 savings bonds if they got vaccinated. Justice said the state needs to stop the virus “dead in its tracks,” adding that if it could do that, “these masks go away, the hospitalizations go away, the death toll and the body bags start to absolutely become minimal.”

Another strong incentive? A return to normalcy. Over half of respondents said the promise that they wouldn’t need to wear a mask or socially distance in public, as long as they were fully vaccinated, considerably increased their willingness to get the vaccine. Some states have adopted this approach using a bit of positive reinforcement (or soft bribery). Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer has linked the state’s reopening policies to vaccine progress. If the state reaches a 60% inoculation rate, then restaurants and bars can increase their occupancy. At 70%, Whitmer has promised to lift mask orders for residents who have received both doses. And it seems to be working.

Currently, just over 33% of Michigan residents are fully vaccinated, but the numbers show a steady ascent with 43% having received at least one dose, according to state data. “As I’ve said a couple of times now, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but we’re still in the tunnel,” Whitmer said at a press conference last week. “The only way out is forward.”

Still, the UCLA study found that a quarter of unvaccinated respondents say they don’t trust the government’s motives, while 14% say that they don’t believe COVID-19 is a threat to them. This is the segment of the population that is considerably harder to convince, if not impossible. But, as experts have said, the goal now is to reduce the severity of the spread, hospitalization rates, and to get as many people to get vaccinated as possible. This doesn’t require a 100% participation rate — but it certainly wouldn’t hurt.

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On Thursday, President Joe Biden and Dr. Jill Biden visited former President Jimmy Carter and Rosalynn Carter in Plains, GA for the first time since Biden took office. According to CNN, the Bidens wanted to “stop by and say hello” since the Carters were unable to attend the inauguration in January. “It was great to see President Carter. It reminded me that I was the first person to endorse him outside of Georgia,” Biden told reporters of the very wholesome meeting. “We sat and talked about the old days and he introduced me to a friend of his, a reverend he wanted me to get to know, and Rosalynn was great, too.”

This would normally not be a headline-worthy story. But after the visit, the Carter Center shared “a wonderful photo” of the couples smiling and enjoying each other’s company. And the closer you look at the picture, the more obvious it becomes that something is very, very off. The Bidens appear to be looming over the Carters, who are not only incredibly tiny but also seem to be seated in miniature chairs. Everything in the room looks proportional to Carter’s small stature, but both Bidens tower over the furniture and the former presidential couple.

The image prompted reactions like, “This is a beautiful photo. Genuine smiles,” and “LOVE THIS. I love the Carter Family and the Biden Family,” and “Dude what is with the size difference between these people what the hell is going on here.”

What is going on here? Is it a bad Photoshop job? Are Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter — who are 96 and 93 years old, respectively — just very small people living in a human dollhouse? Is Biden larger than we thought? (He’s around 6 feet tall.) The internet exploded with theories, jokes, and memes.

Just a reminder that the Bidens got the vaccine before most of us, and they have already grown to 1.5x the size of a normal human. https://t.co/uhoI1G5imZ

— Josh Jordan (@NumbersMuncher) May 4, 2021

CANT SLEEP BECAUSE OF HUGE BIDENS pic.twitter.com/QtSkqDMf1I

— Luke Mones (@LukeMones) May 4, 2021

This may be an inappropriate observation, but it looks like the Bidens are ventriloquizing the Carters here https://t.co/RRXqh2s9RE

— Derek Duplessie (@dnduplessie) May 4, 2021

i can’t stop laughing at big bidens and baby carters pic.twitter.com/WIJxcqThra

— Vincent Martella (@VinMan17) May 4, 2021

Several photographers and experts weighed in with answers. “Even though the natural physical changes during old age may be playing a role here, I don’t think ageing shrinks you that much. Also, the scale of Jimmy Carter’s feet compared to the rest of his body is weird — sort of like a reverse statue of David,” said Carly Earl, a photo editor for The Guardian Australia. 

She said that the photo was likely taken using a wide-angle lens, a feature available on many cameras and iPhones. “When taking photos in a smaller space you often don’t have room to move far enough back to get everyone in the frame, so you use a lens that can take it all in,” Earl explained. It’s very likely that at least part of the explanation here is the fishbowl effect: the Biden’s are on the end of the wide-angle photo, and the Carters are in the middle, making them appear (comically) smaller.

However, Jonathan Alter, who wrote the biography His Very Best: Jimmy Carter, A Life, also said that there is a difference in size, given Carter’s age and height. Even when they were in the White House, they weren’t “tiny people,” but they were “in the medium-to-smaller size among presidents and first ladies,” Alter told The Washington Post. 

For such a sweet, posed photo, there’s a lot going on here. Some Republicans have already called the Bidens hypocrites for posing without masks, even though the CDC has said it’s safe for fully vaccinated people to gather indoors. And many people have worried about Carter’s health, although Biden told reporters he’s “gotten better.” But when Biden’s head is roughly and alarmingly twice the size of Rosalynn Carter’s, it’s difficult to focus on anything else.

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In the early 1970s, when Maya Wiley was in first grade, attending a de facto segregated, underfunded public school in Washington, D.C., a boy named Carlos — Wiley described him as her “little boyfriend” — showed up at her door every morning and walked to school with her. But one day, he didn’t show up; it was like he’d “disappeared,” remembered Wiley. A year or so later, her best friend Charlene — “we ran the streets together” — disappeared from Wiley’s life, too. 

Wiley asked her mother where all her friends were going. Why couldn’t they play together anymore? Wretha Wittle Wiley, a civil rights activist, explained to her daughter that Charlene’s family had moved after the landlord had increased their rent, and that a similar thing had happened with Carlos’ family. Although Wiley was too young to fully understand that there was a name for why her friends and neighbors were disappearing from their neighborhood of Adams Morgan — gentrification — she was old enough for the experience to make a lasting impression on her, one that still informs how she views local government’s responsibility toward preserving the homes and livelihoods of its most vulnerable citizens, even as it works to expand public projects. One reason gentrification was accelerated when Wiley was a child in Adams Morgan was the construction of a nearby Metro stop, which made the formerly working class neighborhood more desirable and accessible to people with more money. It’s not that having more access to public transit was a bad thing in itself, says Wiley now, but it’s that no one in city government thought about how to protect the homes of the people who already lived there. Eventually, their landlord increased Wiley’s family’s rent, and they also had to move out.

Realizing from a young age that her city wasn’t invested — or investing — in her livelihood deeply shaped Wiley’s career and her sense of how local government should work. It was also a big influence in why Wiley is now among the top contenders running to replace Bill de Blasio as Mayor of New York City.

“I think for all of us, our early experiences absolutely shape our understanding of the world and what we want to do in it,” Wiley tells Refinery29. “It was a traumatic experience to just have a friend disappear. You don’t even get to say goodbye. You don’t know where they end up. Even as a little kid, you know it’s wrong, that there’s something unfair about working hard and not being able to afford the rent. … So, my experience was literally losing a whole neighborhood, and one that shaped me.”

“It was a very personal and emotional experience,” she adds. “But as a civil rights lawyer and as a racial justice advocate, I also [came to understand] how all of these were decisions being made by people in government. And it hurt us — it hurt us.”

Perhaps another reason why seeing all her friends disappear was so formative for Wiley, was that it was also at this point in her life that Wiley lost her father, George Wiley, a civil rights activist, who died in a boating accident for which 9-year-old Maya and her brother, Dan, were present. Wiley’s mother encouraged her children to talk about and process their feelings, rather than staying silent and treating it as taboo, she has said, explaining how important that was for her ability to heal. It was also an approach that seems to have helped lead Wiley toward a life of public service and speaking on issues that affect vulnerable people. After receiving a law degree from Columbia University, Wiley worked at the NAACP Legal Defense and Education Fund, at the ACLU, and as an assistant U.S. attorney for the Southern District of New York. She was also a co-founder and the president of the Center for Social Inclusion, a group devoted to ending structural racism. From 2014 to 2017, she served as counsel to de Blasio, before chairing the NYC Civilian Complaint Review Board (CCRB), where she recommended the city bring charges against Daniel Pantaleo, the police officer who killed Eric Garner, a move that was critical to Pantaleo’s eventual firing. Over the last few years, she has appeared as a political and legal analyst on MSNBC, where she convinced ex-Trump aide Sam Nunberg to comply with Robert Mueller’s subpoena, and gained a national following — one that might help her win the biggest local election in the country.

New York City is at a turning point. The departure of a two-term mayor — even one as polarizing as de Blasio — is always a major event, but at this point in history the city is in a precarious position for other reasons: Not only has the coronavirus been devastating to the population in terms of its human toll, with over 32,000 deaths and hundreds of thousands more cases, but it has also had a catastrophic impact on New York’s economy. The city lost 631,000 jobs to the pandemic in 2020; restaurants and other businesses shuttered, leaving empty storefronts; the subway lost billions in revenue, cutting service; and at the same time that many wealthy residents left the city, service workers were left to fend for themselves with few government protections. Unemployment and an evictions crisis have served to exacerbate inequality. The Mayor of New York has often been called the toughest job in politics, but never more so than it is now. So, who could possibly want it?

As it turns out, a lot of people — including Wiley. In this heavily Democratic city, many acknowledge that the true mayoral election will take place not on November 2, but on June 22, with the Democratic primary — and there are a lot of people running in that primary, 13 to be exact, including current frontrunners Brooklyn Borough President Eric Adams and former-presidential candidate Andrew Yang. Among this crowded field, Wiley may not stand out for her political experience (or headline-making tweets), but she does for her ambitious, comprehensive plans, including her cornerstone policies, like the New Deal New York, a $10 billion investment meant to reinvigorate the city’s economy at a time when 1.5 million New Yorkers can’t afford food and the unemployment rate is double the national rate. She also has a plan to end the eviction crisis, which affects Black renters at twice the rate of white ones, and an interagency plan to redirect $300 million from incoming NYPD and Department of Corrections Cadet classes toward stipends for informal caregivers. Following a year of massive protests against police brutality and calls to defund police departments, Wiley has also suggested cutting the city’s “bloated” $6 billion police budget by $1 billion a year.

For Wiley, many of these plans, like the one for caregiving, come from a personal place. “I’m a mother,” she says. “My mother was a working mother. And I am a working mother. And so many women carry the burdens both of being breadwinners and caring for family members — literally unpaid work. When I was first thinking whether I should run to be the next mayor of New York City, one of the big factors that was calling me in was the fact that this city is becoming far too expensive for far too many people. And childcare is actually one of the top costs of living in the city.”

After Wiley’s mother developed Alzheimer’s, she suddenly had to care for her, as well as for her two daughters — all while working full-time. “I’m one of the lucky ones, and it was bone-crushing. And so many women, their bones are being crushed every single day. And many of them are struggling and working long hours and still aren’t able to pay the rent, still not able to get the childcare they need, and then COVID hits, right? And women lose a decade of gain in the labor market. Either pushed out in order to help care for their kids who are struggling with online learning, or literally losing a job.”

So many women carry the burdens both of being breadwinners and caring for family members. Their bones are being crushed every single day. And many of them still aren’t able to pay the rent, or get the childcare they need.

maya wiley

Wiley has a solid set of ideas aimed toward the monumental task of rebuilding the city after a (hopefully) once-in-a-lifetime crisis. But can she prevail in such a crowded field? The most recent polls show Yang in the lead at 26%, followed by Adams with 20%, city comptroller Scott Stringer with 12%, and Wiley with 10%. Stringer, however, is facing serious and disturbing allegations of sexual assault from former intern Jean Kim, and has been losing support, including major endorsements, which could give Wiley a boost. Of the scandal, Wiley says in a statement: “I believe Kim and admire her strength and courage to come forward to tell her story.” Other still-in-contention candidates include former Sanitation Commissioner and City Hall veteran Kathryn Garcia and progressive, former-nonprofit leader Dianne Morales; some observers speculate that Wiley and Morales are splitting the progressive vote. However, with 14% of likely Democratic primary voters still undecided, and the first debate still to come on May 13, there is still some opportunity to move around in the polls in the coming weeks. And while Yang is benefiting a lot from his name recognition, which is at 76% to Wiley’s 46%, that is already changing as more voters tune in and become more educated on the race in the weeks before the primary: Wiley’s name recognition seems to have jumped by 10% between mid- and late April, while Yang’s has remained virtually unchanged. Another wild-card factor is that this will be New York City’s first primary to feature ranked-choice voting, something that could be important given the crowded field of candidates.

Karen Hinton, a communications consultant and de Blasio’s former press secretary, believes the ranked-choice system could hurt leading candidate Yang, and help someone in Wiley’s position. “I think ranked choice helps defeat Yang, because I think he has a very defined universe of supporters, and then there’s everybody else. It’s basically white Manhattanites,” Hinton tells Refinery29. “You have a lot of undecided voters. So, when it comes time to choosing your second choice, your third choice, that could help because I don’t think Yang will get a majority. Then, that could help push up numbers for the other candidates.” 

Helen Rosenthal, a New York City Council member who has worked for three different New York mayors and who endorsed Wiley back when she announced her run in October, agrees with Hinton that Wiley still has time to make an impression on voters. She also believes Wiley will truly focus on the job, unlike some predecessors.

“Her eye will not be on running for president,” Rosenthal tells Refinery29, referring to de Blasio’s ill-fated presidential run. “Her eye will not be on an intern,” she continues, referring to Stringer’s scandal. “She will be thinking about how New Yorkers experience life and how the city can stand on its own. … A good mayor is thinking about New York City and what’s best for New York City 24/7. They’re eating, breathing, sleeping New York City. You’re not thinking about, What is my signature public policy reform that everyone in the nation will think about and think is great? You won’t be thinking, like [Michael] Bloomberg, I gotta get out of here on the weekends and go to my private island. You’ll be riding the subway. You’ll be spending time in all of the very diverse communities.” 

Rosenthal says she remembers running into Wiley at an event for a political club in Morningside Heights about three years ago, where Wiley gave a talk on criminal justice and everyone swarmed around her afterward asking to take pictures. Impressed with her, she asked Wiley then if she had plans to run for mayor. “She said, absolutely not,” Rosenthal recalls. “I remember feeling super-disappointed and just sort of like, ‘Ah, you should really run for mayor!’ And so when she announced, I was just thrilled that she had come to that conclusion herself.” Rosenthal adds that it would be incredibly meaningful if Wiley broke through the “boys’ network” permeating New York City politics.

Were she to win, Wiley would be the first woman mayor of New York City, after 109 men have held the position. She would also be the second Black mayor, after the late David Dinkins. These would be notable accomplishments, so it’s little wonder that her campaign has created a video where Gabrielle Union, Yvette Nicole Brown, and Dr. Brittney Cooper, among others — many of whom are not New Yorkers, attesting to the national attention her campaign has gotten — urge voters, “It’s time to put your money where your mouth is, New York City, and elect the first Black woman to lead this city.”

But exciting as a public statement like that can be, it’s also not enough to win an election, something that Wiley knows well. “Symbolism is not enough,” Wiley said at an event in Brooklyn on April 9. She was surrounded by a couple of dozen members of the Local Employees 1199 of the Service Employees International Union (SEIU), which represents over 200,000 healthcare workers, a key endorsement, and supporters — like Rep. Yvette Clarke — the majority of them Black women. “Calling us queens is not enough. Recognizing we are qualified is what we demand.” She continued, gesturing around her, “These women put me through my paces — [they said,] ‘I don’t want to hear that you care, I want to hear that I’m going to be able to pay the rent, and when I pull the dollars out of my pocket there’s something left over to buy food.’”

Clarke, wearing a pink suit and flashing the Delta Sigma Theta sorority sign (both she and Wiley are members), formally endorsed Wiley, and spoke of the historical importance Wiley’s leadership would take. “We have a unique opportunity here in the city of New York to make a difference and to join the ranks of such cities as Atlanta, New Orleans, Boston, and Washington, D.C., where Black women have taken the helm and have demonstrated confidence, ability, and compassion,” Clarke said. Rita Joseph, a New York City Council candidate, echoed Clarke when speaking to Refinery29, “New York is such a progressive city; we need to lead by example. Normally we do, but we haven’t.” 

It’s hard to overstate how important it would be to have a Black woman — one who intimately knows the plight of working mothers in this city, because she is a working mother; one who doesn’t only prioritize the needs of Manhattanites, because she lives in an outer-borough — as New York’s 110th mayor. Wiley’s leadership feels like it could change everything, even as it could also signify a prioritization of the kinds of things people have always cared about most: friendship, family, and connection. When asked what helps ground her as the race heats up and among a fraught news landscape, Wiley brought up her family, as well as regular Saturday night Zoom gatherings with a group of friends where they talk and support each other. After the Clarke event, Wiley walked home — she lives in Prospect Park South — to her husband, daughters, and four cats for some much-needed family time. “We protect family dinner, so we have a family dinner every night.” Now, she is cherishing those close to her as major parts of her campaign, hoping these very things will help her rise to the top so she can implement her plans to strengthen New York City and take it in a more equitable direction. 

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Outfit Details:
Doen Dress, Maison Michel Hat, Hermes Espadrilles, Linus Bike

With so much of our time spent outdoors now, I’m almost never without a hat and sunglasses, two of the most important warm weather essentials. Of course, I always lather in sunscreen while doing my morning skincare routine, but by adding both accessories you are sure to be on your way to staying protected from the strong spring and summer sun. I have always loved wearing a hat, especially when made from natural woven fibers, and I’e rounded up some of my favorite styles below, along with my go-to sunglasses I wear year round.

The post My Favorite Sunglasses and Sunhats appeared first on Julia Berolzheimer.

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On Monday, a (very bizarre) video advertisement shared by the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) Twitter account became the subject of controversy (and some mockery). In a lengthy video, a Latinx CIA employee is shown making a very heavy-handed pitch to millennials, replete with every “woke” stereotype imaginable. The tweet, which starts with the hashtag #WednesdayWisdom (it was first posted last Wednesday), includes a quote from the employee: “I am unapologetically me. I want you to be unapologetically you, whoever you are. Whether you work at #CIA, or anywhere else in the world. Command your space. Mija, you are worth it.”

In a full version of the video, titled “Humans of CIA,” a camera follows this nameless woman officer around the CIA headquarters for a full two and half minutes. She describes herself as “a cisgender millennial diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder,” and uses the word “intersectional” while walking past multiple portraits of old white men. At age 36, she said she suffered from “imposter syndrome” and also “refuse[s] to internalize misguided, patriarchal ideals about what a woman can and should be.” The video was short of using every woke-ism apart from maybe “hot girl summer” and “bestie.” But fear not, because this agent is clearly #thriving #goals #CIA.

The apparent use of woke bait as a recruiting tactic obviously created “discourse.” (The CIA knows this.) The video made a lot of references to things like marginalization, feminism, and mental health, which prompted conservatives to argue how empty the use of identity politics really are. However, non-conservatives, or in this case, Tom Morello of Rage Against The Machine, fired back, explaining that the issue isn’t just the very blatant woke bait — it’s the fact that an organization that has thrived on war crimes, torture, and silencing the opposition is trying to recruit the very communities that they’ve destroyed most.

Silly me I thought the CIA was evil because of their 70 years of war crimes, assassinating heads of state, torture, and crushing people’s movements around the globe, and it turns out the real problem was a woke pamphlet https://t.co/MYcNFLjd5s

— Tom Morello (@tmorello) May 3, 2021

Actual quotes from this new CIA recruitment ad:

“I am a woman of color”

“I am a cisgender millennial”

“I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder”

“I am intersectional”

I think it’s safe to say the contemporary American left has failed.pic.twitter.com/ruUzWSeIur

— Aisha Ahmad (@aishaismad) May 2, 2021

the CIA cynically uses the language of democracy, resistance, education, anti extractivism & dozens of other lefty concepts too it doesn’t mean they’re all tainted & need to be abandoned. Indeed, co-opting otherwise useful political currents to push empire is kind of their thing! https://t.co/KkVgblsHaW

— Adam H. Johnson (@adamjohnsonNYC) May 3, 2021

In case anyone needed a reminder, this effort to rebrand the CIA as a fun start-up recruiting fresh young minds is just a distraction from their storied history as a killing machine. The organization has a long track record of participating in a global drug trade and experimenting on human beings in America and Canada using illegal substances, and it has long been suspected of playing a role in the death of civil rights activist Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., among, you know, other issues.

So, sure, the CIA can absolutely try to tell young people to command their space, as long as that space includes abolishing the systems of violence that they created.

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Healthy Relationships: Why I Left – I Was Always Losing

As told to Veronica Wells-Puoane of NoSugarNoCreamMag.com

I met him at the Velvet Room in Atlanta—at the club. I was 25-26. We’re always taught that’s not a good place to meet people. However, I’ve known quite a few people, in my family actually, who met their spouses in the club. So that didn’t discourage me from meeting him. I was not interested to be honest with you. He wasn’t really looking for that either. We kind of got hooked up by friends. We were with a group and we met and had a good time. Great guy. He came across that way in the beginning. But I was ready to go.

My friend was like, ‘So you aren’t going to get his number?’

I said, ‘No, I’m good.’

She got his number and assured him I would call. I called him a few days later. And we would talk every day from that point on.

I admit we moved pretty fast. He had a son prior to me. I met his son pretty early. I met his family.

But after talking to him I was really intrigued that he was already in therapy. I thought, ‘Wow, he’s doing the work.’ He knows he’s broken, he knows he’s hurting and he’s taking the steps that are needed in order to fix those things. I was attracted to that because that’s rare. We don’t often hear that. A lot of people stay in their brokenness without seeking help. I was intrigued with his strength in that moment. He was very vulnerable about the things that he was going through and he shared a lot of that with me. And I was in support of it. I really liked that about him.

NSNC: Is he a Black man?

He’s Hispanic.

It was honestly a turn on. You don’t hear about a man of color doing that. I was impressed, I was happy. I thought ‘Good that’s less work that I have to do.’

And we were on and poppin’ from there.

NSNC: What was your first challenge or first inkling that something wasn’t all the way right?

I remember very vividly. One of my best friends is a guy and he was having a birthday dinner and there was an issue with me going. I let him know that he’s my best friend. I’ve known him literally since first grade. I have this group of friends, all of us have known each other the same amount of time and we were celebrating him and he had a problem with it. He asked 50 million questions–Who is he? What is you guys’ relationship? Mind you, in the four months we’d been dating, he’d heard me talk about him before. But I guess now, it was too close for comfort.

I feel like he literally started an argument with me so I wouldn’t be in the mood to go. That’s the vibe I got. And I didn’t go because I was in a bad mood at that point.

That was the start of it. It continued throughout the years after that.

I thought ‘Good that’s less work that I have to do.’

NSNC: At what point in your relationship did you get married and what made you feel like marriage was a good idea?

About three years in, we moved in together. I’m a Southern girl. I was raised in the church so moving in with a guy without being married was as lot for my mom. I didn’t care so much to be honest with you. I was going with the flow and being open, which was something I struggled with previously. And I told myself that I’m going to give it my all. I’m going to try my hardest. I’m going to be committed to this.

Four or five months after we moved in, he proposed to me.

I had a public proposal. You would imagine that when you get proposed to, you would feel like, ‘Oh my God, I’m so excited. I’m so happy.’ That wasn’t me. And people ask me often. Why I said yes, why I married him. And the answer I can come up with is because he asked me. It was the natural progression of things. We were in an exclusive relationship for three years. We were living together. It’s kind of the next step. You get married, you have kids, you live happily ever after. And that’s just how I felt. I wasn’t deeply in love. I just thought this is what you do.

NSNC: Do you think if he had asked you in private, you maybe would have answered differently?

I don’t think so. And I’ve thought about. I think I was in that same place of this is next. He invited my whole family up. They were there, they were happy so I felt like yeah, this is what I’m going to do.

NSNC: How did things start off in the marriage?

I regretted it immediately.

He had custody of his son and his mother wasn’t very present in his life, so I took on that role. We had a little family. Things were going well. But as soon as we got engaged, he said, ‘I don’t want your friends throwing you a bachelorette party.’ We were fighting on the honeymoon. And it was a really bad one. He wanted to get tattoos of names and I was totally against that. We fought that whole weekend in the beautiful island of Puerto Rico. And I remember thinking, ‘Is this how my marriage is going to be?’

It progressively got worse. I was embarrassed which is why I probably didn’t leave sooner before it got really, really bad.

NSNC: What would you have been embarrassed about?

I had a big 200 guest wedding. So I felt like a failure. My entire family is here witnessing what is supposed to be one of the biggest moments in my life. I truly felt embarrassed, which is why I couldn’t share with anybody what I was going through. I was ashamed of judgment.

I regretted it immediately.

NSNC: When you say things got bad, what does that mean?

Things really took a turn when I enrolled in school to get my master’s degree. In hindsight, I can see a lot more now. I didn’t realize we were in competition. Everything I’m doing is for us. This is a win for us. I’m trying to better myself for us. But to him it was you’re becoming better than me or you’re trying to do more than me. I think he felt you’re setting yourself up to be without me.

Eventually after we had been married for two years, he started having an affair. I didn’t find out about it until later but it started when I was going to school. We had a study abroad trip that was two weeks. And me being gone two weeks, I guess, drove him crazy and he had to find someone else.

I could tell something was different. I didn’t want to accuse him of cheating initially but I could tell something was wrong because he became the most mean and hateful person I’d ever met. And I’m trying to piece together in my mind, what did I do? What changed? I’m thinking I’m spending too much time in school. And it was crazy because I was commuting to school to go to class and then I would be home in time to do dinner.

In my eyes, I was doing everything to be the picture perfect wife. I was praying like crazy. I was reading The Power of the Praying Wife. This is what I signed up for. I’m trying to play the role. And I can honestly say I played the role. In my eyes, I don’t feel like I did anything wrong to him.

Now, was my purpose probably faulty, yes in hindsight. But I decided to play that role because I took it on. We were going to win and be successful.

NSNC: Did you ever confront him about the affair?

I will admit this: I went through his emails. Now, I’m a very smart woman, I’m a bright woman. I knew what I was looking for, I just needed to find it. I was so deep in the idea of proof. I wanted to find it. That’s what I wanted to happen so I could feel like I had a reason to leave. Not saying that I didn’t have one before. I had plenty. But for me, I just needed that and I said, ‘Then God, I will leave.’ And God gave it to me.

I went through the emails and it was right in my face. I didn’t have to search hard.

I wasn’t looking at his email at first. I was looking at my credit card statement. And I saw a purchase that had just happened for $100+ at dinner. And I’m sitting here on the couch. Why is my card being swiped at TWO urban licks?

So I immediately called, interrupted dinner. Because now I have to act out. I really don’t remember the conversation. It was a blur. All I remember saying was I want to be reimbursed for that dinner you just paid for. Make sure you give me my money back.

He came home that night, he denied, denied, denied until I harassed him enough to where he finally admitted it. I had met the woman before. She had actually come to a pre-wedding dinner that we had. I was very aware of her. She was someone he met in school because he decided to enroll in school after I did.

And again, I’m not stupid. I knew the type of woman she was. And it just so happened to be true.

Now I have to act out.

I didn’t leave immediately. I was actually in shock that it happened. I knew what I was looking for but I was like, ‘Wow, he actually had the guts to do that.’ I found out around October. And Christmas was when things got physical.

This was the first time that had ever happened. The first, last, and ever. I don’t even know what we were arguing about. Of course after I found out [about his affair], I was very cold and standoffish. I wasn’t mean but I didn’t want to communicate with him. I was moreso trying to figure out what I was going to do, my plan.

I did tell him I was leaving. But he didn’t believe me because I was still there.

I don’t know what started the fight but I can remember being in the laundry room. This was Christmas night. We’re in the laundry room and he’s on top of me, hands on my throat. I remember him yelling at me, ‘You fucking bitch, look at what you made me do.’

That’s all I remember him saying, repeatedly.

Initially, I was fighting back. I remember seeing some scissors. I had all kind of thoughts in my head. Then I just stopped. It was like something just snapped in me. I just stopped and laid there. And when I stopped, it’s like something snapped in him and he stopped.

We did not speak any words to each other, period. He got up, he left. I went to bed and we acted like it didn’t happen.

I didn’t call the police mainly because he had been arrested before and I still wanted to protect him.

We were living in Atlanta, I’m born and raised in Macon, and after that incident, I remember calling my mom. I never told her what happened [with the abuse]. She knows that he had an affair. But I said, ‘Mom, I’m moving back.’ And every weekend I would take stuff, little by little, out of the house until the final day when I left.

It was very anti-climactic my leaving. I think he thought I was coming back. And after about a month, he realized I wasn’t coming back he then decided he wanted to fix his life.

NSNC: To get you back?

Yeah. But I’m done. And when I’m done, I’m done. I’ve always been that way. There’s no looking back, there’s no looking back. I’m done.

He’s tried to get back together as recently as last year. It’s been three years since I left.

He was in therapy by himself but he refused to go with me while we were together. But once I left, he wanted to go with me. With my personality type, it’s too late. You should go for yourself and I went for myself but not together as a couple.

Look at what you made me do.

NSNC: How did you feel leaving? Did you feel relief? Did you still feel some guilt or regret about having to leave?

I was scared. I can tell you now, I understand why women stay. I used to be one those women who’d say, ‘Just leave. I don’t know why women continue to stay.’ But it was very hard for me to leave. And it wasn’t so much him so to speak, it was more of a security thing. And it wasn’t like he took good care of me. He really didn’t. But it was the idea that there’s strength in numbers and two is better than one. I didn’t have a plan. I didn’t know what I was going to do.

I knew my mom would always welcome me back. But I was 31-32 at the time and I have to move back home and start over? All those things went through my head. But it was worth it.

We had one final argument in front of his friend and the way he talked to me—the disrespect. I just…it was like, ‘Brittny, what are you doing? Just leave.’

That same friend watched me pack. I had been taking stuff home every weekend and I said, ‘This time I’m not coming back. Whatever’s left is left. ‘And I left so many things because I could only get what I could physically carry.

His friend was watching me with tears welling up in his eyes because he was hurt but he understood. Eventually, he helped me with some of the big boxes. I left and I didn’t look back.

I advise any woman, don’t be afraid. That parachute opened for me so quickly. It’s like the blessing started pouring in. I was like ‘I see you, God. I know. This is what you’ve been waiting for me to do. I needed something drastic and I got something drastic. I got what I asked for.’

It’s hard to explain but I tell people, if I had to tell people why I left in one statement, I felt like I was always losing. It’s hard to explain but I wasn’t getting the jobs I wanted, nothing would ever happen for me. I was having a hard time with my friends. I was having a hard time emotionally. Everything was a struggle and it shouldn’t be that way. I know marriage is hard but it’s supposed to be a good thing. We’re supposed to be blessed together. And the fact that we weren’t, there was always an issue. He was losing a job one week, I’m trying to take care of everybody the next. Everything felt like I was losing. And I didn’t start to win until the day I left.

It was right before my birth day. I won’t forget it because I said, ‘I’m not spending another year here.’ I said, ‘I don’t care what I’ve left.’ And I left so much stuff. But I realize though that sacrifice was so worth it. I had to start over but it’s okay.

I understand why women stay.

NSNC: Were you scared that he would follow you or try to retaliate against you for leaving?

Yes. When I moved back home, I stayed at my mom’s house four months and then I was able to get my own place. Because, like I said, the blessings opened. I never let him know about any of that. I was afraid that he would find where I was, he would come to my door and I could be dead.

He thought I was crazy for feeling that way. But I have seen enough things and heard enough stories of people snapping. He snapped on me a couple of times. I don’t know what’s he’s capable of. I never let him know where I was.

NSNC: He didn’t remember choking you?

He acted like it didn’t happen. He did eventually apologize to me, for everything. And I felt like it was genuine. And that made me feel good for him. That’s not going to change my mind but I’m happy that you have come to the conclusion that you were wrong, that you ruined your family. You’re going to have to live with that for the rest of your life.

NSNC: What would you say you learned about relationships as a result of that marriage? And what did you learn about yourself finding the strength to leave?

The relationship taught me that everything isn’t linear. There’s not a storybook that fits everybody. And I say that because had I not been in that vision of ‘this is how it’s supposed to go,’ we probably wouldn’t have even dated that long. I really did learn to live by my own rules and own standards instead of what society thinks and how my mom feels. I know she loves me regardless of what I choose to do. But I had this stigma in my head. We’re living together, we’re having sex. I feel bad. We have to get married. And that was the worst mistake I’ve ever made. I can say that wholeheartedly.

What I learned about me? I don’t communicate as well as I thought I did. I really kept a lot of things inside. And because of that, I can’t even say I gave him a fair shot because I wasn’t honest about how I felt. I’ll take responsibility for that part. I was going with the flow and I wasn’t 100 percent sincere. I wasn’t 100 percent committed in my heart. I was committed to being what a wife was supposed to be. But he was not the man for me and I kept trying to force myself into that.

I also realized I wanted to be chosen and he chose me. That’s something I never would have admitted before but I did. Every woman wants to at least feel accepted and desired. I wanted to be chosen. That’s why the cheating thing hurt so bad. I thought you chose me. Why are you out here still looking?

I didn’t start to win until the day I left.

NSNC: What would you say to other women who may have been in your situation? They know the relationship is not right, they know they should leave but they haven’t taken the steps to do so.

It’s kind of like that meme that goes around Instagram. “Do it scared.” It’s okay. If you’re screaming, crying, it’s okay. I can assure them that the parachute will open. It’s almost like God is waiting for you to take that step. You’re blocking your blessings when you keep hurting yourself because you know you’re better than that. And if you know you’re better, you have to do better. You have to.

You have to leave however you can leave.

One other thing for me, I thought about my little cousins. I thought about the women in my family. They’re looking at me. They look up to me. I cannot show them that this is okay. I can’t be that woman. That’s not how I was raised to be, that’s not who I am at my core.

If anybody woulda told me I’d be 35, single with no kids, I would have been like, ‘You lyin.’ But this is the happiest I’ve ever felt in my life. I won’t take it back for anything. I am totally pleased.

One final thing to women, don’t let it make you bitter. I am open to love again. It can and it will happen again with the right man. But you got to move the wrong one out of the way first.

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Jacqueline Samaroo, Khareem Sudlow